“I Desperately Want Another Baby But My Husband Does Not”
About two years ago, he said he was ready to have a baby. I was too, so I was delighted. We agreed that we would only have one. We discussed it and thought that would best fit our lifestyle, allowing us to enjoy being parents, while also allowing us to continue traveling and doing the things we like to do together.
Luckily, I got pregnant pretty quickly, had an uneventful pregnancy, and, a little over a year ago, our baby was born. This last year has been amazing. It hasn’t been all puppies and rainbows, but, overall, we’ve had a fantastic time being parents. We’re both totally in love with our little one, and my husband is head over heels, doting, fun, etc.
Here’s where I need the advice. I thought I’d be fine with one, but after having our first and getting through the first year relatively unscathed, I feel so passionately about having a second, for so many reasons. I love being a parent. I’m better at this job than any other I have and I feel that being a mother is what I was always meant to do. I love my baby so much that I want him to have a sibling. I want to see him be a big brother. I’m afraid of something happening to him and my no longer ever being a parent. I’m worried that someday, when we’re both gone, he won’t have anyone in his immediate family left. Or that, when we’re older, all the burden will fall on him alone.
My husband knows that I would now like to have a second. He said he’s thought a lot about it and he really, really just wants one. He’s been pressuring me to get rid of all the baby stuff, but so far I’ve been resisting. It seems silly to get rid of it this soon. I just feel as though, if he changed his mind once about even having kids, maybe he’ll change his mind again.
So I guess my question is: How do you think I should approach convincing him to have a second (if we get lucky again and can have one)? And failing that, how can I move on, not feel resentful, and just find happiness with only three of us? — Wants a Second
I absolutely do not think you should try to convince your husband to agree to having a second baby. If your husband is feeling certain that one is enough, that is as valid a choice as your desire to have a second. And unfortunately for you, the one who doesn’t want more kids has the upper hand, because it is better — for a family, for a marriage, for everyone involved — to only have one child and wish for more than it is to have two children and wish you’d stopped at one. And even if you did manage to convince your husband to try for a second, there’s no guarantee he will feel as happy with that choice as he has with the decision to have your first one. You are banking on that with zero indication that that’s a realistic scenario, and there is too much at stake to make a gamble like that.
If your husband were giving ANY wiggle room at all — if he were saying he wasn’t certain or that he needed more time or that there are some aspects about having a second baby that appeal to him — that would be something; but he’s not saying those things. He is telling you with certainty that he is done. Yes, he came around to the idea of having your first baby a year after you were ready, but he’d been saying all along he was open to the idea of having a child. He has never told you he is open to the idea of having a second baby. He has given zero indication that this is a scenario he will ever embrace, and yet you are “desperate” and “obsessed” over it.
You need to let it go. I know it’s hard. But this obsession isn’t healthy. And it’s taking away from the focus you could and should be giving to the family you already have. Most of the reasons you give for wanting a second baby — enjoying parenthood, being good at it, doing something you were meant to do — are things you are already fulfilling and can continue enjoying with having just one child.
You ask how you can “move on, not feel resentful, and just find happiness with only three of you,” and my advice is to enjoy the moment that you’re in. Enjoy your child’s life and your role in it. Relish being a mother, and realize that even having just one doesn’t mean you are any less a mother than a woman with 10 babies; it just means you have more time and attention to give to the child you do have, not to mention to your hobbies and interests outside parenthood. (Remember who you were before you became a mom? She’s still in there). Focus on all of those things. Focus on what you DO have rather than on what you think you’re missing. And if you simply can’t stop the resentment from creeping in, I’d suggest seeing a counselor to help you process your disappointment so you can enjoy these precious early years of your child’s life without a cloud of resentment hanging over you.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I loved Wendy’s answer. I’d wait a few months and see how you feel then – the ‘obsession’ with having a 2nd sounds like it might be temporary. I can see how one could change one’s mind after having the first and I really feel for you if that’s the case, but basically you’ve only wanted this for a few months (compared to years of being fairly sure you wanted just one). Waiting a few months will also give your husband time to think it over. Maybe you had a really positive reaction to the ‘baby year’ with your kid and your husband wasn’t quite so enthusiastic about that phase? I’m not saying he’ll change his mind (it seems like he’s been pretty consistent), but if anything he’s more likely to if he’s given time. And maybe you’ll be less enthusiastic about having a 2nd kid a few months down the line.
I was also wondering how much of this has to do with your new role as a SAHM? Do you feel, on some level, that staying home with just one kid isn’t legitimate? There’s no minimum number of kids you need to be a SAHM, and in case you’ll probably need to find something else to keep you busy in a few years.
A-frickin’-men, Wendy!
The most important thing to me here is that the LW is in a legally binding relationship that she entered into knowing her husband might not want any kids, or one at most. This sudden baby fever after a year of caring for an infant does not trump that. None of her “reasons” for wanting a second kid weigh anything in the balance of potentially wrecking her marriage.
Legally binding? She’s not bound by his wants and needs. His are NOT more important than hers. She shouldn’t pressure him for another baby and destroy the marriage but nor should she give up on her own wants and needs.
There’s other options here, ranging from counselling to divorce.
But most importantly, counselling a woman to ignore her own feelings and desires rather than exploring and perhaps making peace with them, and exploring the limitations of life, puts us back in the nasty 1950s.
This is not putting women back into the nasty fifty’s at all. When it’s a choice and not a requirement then it’s not the same thing. Some may like what you don’t.
Since you mentioned wanting your child to have a sibling, I just wanted to give a little perspective from a 55-year-old only child. 🙂
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I love him so much that I want him to have a sibling. I want to see him be a big brother: I’ve done fine without a sibling. Haven’t regretted being an ‘only’ at any point in my life. I have a circle of longtime friends that I couldn’t be closer to if they were my sisters and brothers. And ‘wanting to see him be a big brother’ – well, that’s what you want. You don’t know if that’s what he would want.
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I’m afraid of something happening to him and my no longer ever being a parent: Don’t know how to answer this, as I’ve never thought about having a second child as a ‘spare’ in case the first one breaks. 😉
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I’m worried that someday, when we’re both gone, he won’t have anyone in his immediate family left: By the time you’re gone, his immediate family will likely have expanded to include a wife, children, and maybe grandchildren. They’ll all be there for him.
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Or that, when we’re older, all the burden will fall on him alone: I’m living that now, with two elderly parents. Logistically, would it help to have another person around to share some errands with? Sure. Emotionally, would having a sibling diminish the pain of seeing my parents age? Not at all. Again, I have my dear, close friends to lean on.
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Your reasons for wanting a second child are, to be honest, rationalizations for extending what’s been a fun and fulfilling year for you. You wouldn’t be harming your son in any way by keeping him an ‘only’.
As the mom of an only, I just want to thank you for this comment. Like LW’s husband, I don’t want more children, but I sometimes have worries like the ones you addressed above. It’s so reassuring to hear from a happy, fulfilled, grown-up only child.
I’m a 37 year old only child. I have always loved being an only child! Yes, there are practicalities I have to think about regarding my mom’s future care, but I factor that into my life and I consider it a privilege rather than a burden.
Do not ever force or convince someone to have a child that is not wanted. Ever. The child will grow up knowing he or she is not loved by someone. Do you really want a child to experience that?
Oh man. My husband at the time (now ex) used to pressure me like crazy for another baby. It was so stressful and also so confusing, since he initially was the one who said it was fine if we just had one (a thought that seemed taboo to me at the time). There were times I even gave in and said we could try, and would then be relived beyond belief when I didn’t get pregnant. It’s not why we split, but I’ll tell you–it was a huge relief to have the pressure removed from my life once we did split. I just didn’t want another one. I had so many reasons and felt like they were all incredibly valid and incredibly selfish and felt so guilty about it. To have the one person who was supposed to have my back disagree with me on such an important topic was horrible. HORRIBLE.
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Another point to make is I met several women when my daughter was younger who all had only children. One of them desperately wanted another but her husband didn’t. Another desperately wanted another but they couldn’t get pregnant. The one whose husband didn’t want another spoke of it CONSTANTLY. Always complaining about him and his selfishness, etc. She was so focused on that imaginary second child that her husband was denying her that she seemed disinterested in her actual, existing child. I’m sure she loved her son very much but honestly, it was a huge turn off in a friend and I didn’t enjoy hanging out with her very much.
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All that said, I do feel for you. I know it must be incredibly frustrating to want to share this experience with your husband again and not be able to. Try to focus on enjoying the wonderful years ahead with your husband and son. Whether or not you have more kids, these upcoming years with your son are a once in a lifetime experience–you’ll never get his younger days back, so don’t let them pass you by. As the mom to a 10 year old, I can attest that time just flies.
I just want to comment on the fact that before you got married he wasn’t 100% sure that he wanted a child. That was a pretty big gamble going in, and you’re really lucky that he changed his mind on that. I have a friend who is married and her husband is very much against having a child and she *thought* she would be ok with it but now she’s realizing that she really wants a kid. They have MANY other issues in their marriage that I won’t mention here. Essentially she feels stuck.
There really is no simple answer here. You can sign all the “no kids” contracts you want. It doesn’t mean that your feelings won’t change. I will say that I did not want a second child until I had him. I was so over the moon about my first that I didn’t think it would ever be possible to love like that again,,,,,until the moment I saw his face. Honestly I think if your child is one year old, it’s probably too soon for your husband to consider going through it all over again. But he may feel differently in a year or too. You might also. I would try to enjoy the present and leave the future open. Because you really don’t know.
I would just like to point out to the lw that just because the first year with the first baby was relatively easy that doesn’t mean that the first year with any future baby would be just as easy. I have three kids. My first daughter was like your son, she was a piece of cake, nursed fine, slept well and was just generally a happy baby. My second daughter was the complete opposite. She was a lot more work than the first one and by the time she came along was busy trying to keep up with a three year old. And my last baby wasn’t as easy as the first or has hard as the second. They are all different, and have always been different. I don’ regret having any of them, but you just need to know that easy babies aren’t a guarantee.
With both of my kids I found that things slowly got easier the year that they were three and the year that they were four was much easier than the year that they were two. Five is even better and the ages six to 12 tend to be the easiest. I personally, wouldn’t have wanted a new baby the same year that I had a toddler. That would have been a nightmare. Many parents handle it but I’m glad that I didn’t have to handle it.
A-freaking-men indeed. Especially to the part about year 1 being a cake walk compared to years 2 and 3. And, Wendy, for what it’s worth, my experience was that years 4, 5 and 6 were mostly pretty awesome. Then the sass starts. I’m in year 10 now, so I’m knee deep in sass.
I think I’ve said this before here, but I get so tired of people arguing for more kids so that the only will have someone to “help” them take care of aging parents. And this is coming from someone who’s been called selfish (yes, selfish) by people who claim to like, even love me, for only having one child. First, I have a brother and he will be no help at all with our parents. If I’m lucky, his wife or kids might, but who knows?
Second, you don’t know what’s going to happen. Life’s like that. For all you know, a second child will have special needs and then you’ve possibly saddled your oldest with caring for a sibling long after you’re gone. There are plenty of reasons to have a second child (or more), but this isn’t one of them.
We tried to have a second child when our son was four and nothing happened. We had secondary infertility. One thing that helped a lot was that we already had our son and we looked at him and felt lucky to have him. We felt that if we were going to have only one child we were lucky to have the one child that we had. I think that if you look at your son and feel lucky it will help more than if you look at your son and feel that something is missing. Practice feeling grateful for what you do have rather than obsessing on what you don’t have. You are incredibly lucky to have a beautiful son that both you and your husband love. You are lucky to have enough income to stay at home with that son. You are lucky to not worry about how you will feed him and clothe him and shelter him and educate him. Try looking at your son as a gift in your life, a very lucky, fortunate gift that many will never have.
This is a case of you can’t always get what you want. It’s great having one child worked out well for you and your husband so far, but I do agree with others that your reasons to have a second child/give your kid a sibling are misguided a bit. My husband was raised as an only child (he has half brothers who are much older and from many states away) but both his parents really wanted a second child. He has a rare genetic disorder and any future siblings would have very likely had it as well, so his parents decided to stop at him. His mom wanted a second child despite the risks, but she had to let it go. She focused on loving her one child, instead of what she couldn’t have. Even if you did have a second child, you never know how the difficulties that could come with that child, and when one parent isn’t even on board with that, resentment will grow. There’s nothing “wrong” or weird about having one child. There are always going to be people who wished they had one more, but it’s better not only to bring in a wanted child, but a child who is wanted by both parents.
I’m a completely functional only child… if I do say so myself;) I don’t think I would have enjoyed a little sibling at all, and it would have seriously curtailed some of the opportunities I had growing up with my parents (travel, etc.).
I agree with what everyone is saying about fixating on a second child, but I wanted to put out there another option (maybe??). You say being a parent is the most fulfilling thing you have ever done, and not that it isn’t hugely different with your own child, but have you ever considered childcare as an option in your future? Maybe your one of those baby people who has a gift with the little ones and would provide other mothers a welcome respite. If you are concerned about your kid being lonely maybe take care of another baby or toddler a few days a week in your own home. Expand your parenting circle, surround yourself with that new baby smell, and make some cash at the same time. Just a suggestion. In the meantime, focus on the kid you have and good luck!
I don’t have a lot to add – there are plenty of wise words here. Your husband knows how you feel; give it some time (at least several months) before you mention it again, and really think about Wendy’s advice.
We always knew we’d be “one and done” with kids, and that’s still the plan 18 months in. I feel some of what you feel, LW, in terms of the joy of parenthood. I don’t want another baby, but I can understand why people do. When your baby is still an angelic innocent little one, it’s easy to idealize how they would handle a sibling. But it doesn’t reflect the reality of what people experience as adults (see above). I’ve encountered some judgment on our decision to only have one child, but children aren’t “gifts” to one another. They are individuals who deserve to have two parents want them and love them. They are individuals who may (probably will) not turn out to be your ideal. Also, just because you had an easy pregnancy and birth experience the first time, it doesn’t guarantee anything if you decide to try it again.
I would also add that now would be a good time to be especially careful about birth control – it will really damage your marriage to have an “oops” pregnancy.
Don’t be resentful of lacking something that is so uncertain. It’s not like your husband is simply refusing to swing by the baby store with you. There is no guarantee that you can get pregnant again and if you did, there’s certainly no guarantee that baby #2 would be as effortless as baby #1. What if baby #2 caused complications that had you bedridden and unable to completely take over household and SAHM duties? What if baby #2 had a collick, or was otherwise not as easy-going as baby #1? I imagine it would put a huge strain on your marriage. Looking forward, what if you or your husband favored one child to the other and had trouble balancing your attention between the two of them? I have seen this so many times (or heard many stories from emotionally scarred adults) and it pisses me off that parents aren’t more self-aware about the obstacles of having multiple children. Each additional child changes the dynamic of a household and affects the personalities of the children (read about birth order- it’s fascinating).
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I could go on, but I’m on my phone, so I’ll just wrap this up by saying that I completely agree with the sentiment that you should NEVER have a child if you’re both not 100% on board with it.
I am a SAHM of three children and I give zero F’s what anyone else’s opinion in my life is. I plan to stay home until all of them start school and then go back to work PT.
My husband only wanted two children but I pressed for a third and he agreed, he now tells me he is glad I pushed for it. I think sometimes we don’t know we really wanted something until we have it, but it works the other way too….we don’t miss something we chose to not have.
Just quickly, I found many replies here and the original response to be very negative, judgemental and one-sided. Many assume that a child only brings about so much negativity such as sleepless nights, financial strain, marriage strain, but what about the positivity? If a parent sees so much joy in being a parent, why do we start to pick apart her reasons for wanting another by analyzing her choice and dissecting it to mean something else? Maybe she just loves children and loves her family and wants another. Why can’t that just be good enough?! Frankly, I think she has every right to talk about it in a way she is comfortable with and throw away all this negative talk from this website and all the judgemental comments.
I really disagree with the response. I’ve researched this issue throughly. There is nothing abnormal about a mother/wife wanting children. I find it disheartening that many people basically tell the women to “get over it” and “it’s unfair to pressure your husband into more children.” It’s equally unfair to deny your significant other their right to another child. Emotions and biology are a huge factor that cannot be controlled. I also have that pull for more children though I have 2 already and husband who is against it. Unfortunately, I hold a lot resentment over it. It seems crazy to contemplate breaking up a happy marriage because of this, especially when the person you love is who you want another child with. My suggestion would be to express your feelings to your husband. Don’t give up on something you feel so strongly about. It’s not fair for you.
THANK GOD someone finally said that the response to her post is totally BS! I’ve been reading all the comments thinking wtf are they talking about and couldn’t believe the judgements being made and this attitude of suck it up and accept that he doesn’t want another one blah blah blah. Unbelievable. I really feel for the writer and believe her feelings are totally valid and that she’s completely in the right and all she got was blasted with a million ppl telling her she’s wrong. I 100% agree with Lindsay, Ryan and Sandra. And P.S. If it were left to men the human race would probably be extinct. Most men are not chomping at the bit to have kids…yes there are always exceptions but most of the time it’s the woman who wants to have children, it’s bio 101.
That’s ridiculous. some of this may be good advice, but to say “it’s better to have one you love that another one you regret” is just silly. I have SO many friends with accidents, married and unmarried, and I have never heard one person ever say “yeah i really wish I didn’t have my second/third/fourth child.” Ever.
Who is going to admit to a friend they wish one of their kids hadn’t been born?!
As a long time therapist ( many decades), I think I have probably seen a representative sample of what people “really” think….and I can say that by a large multiple, more people are happy about the children they end up having than not. I have also listened to too many heartbroken women who had one or even no children because of a spouse’s limit, only to see that spouse later change his mind and have children with a much younger partner. If LW’s husband is so sure that his decision won’t change, is he getting a vasectomy? He certainly has autonomy over that.
I read this, and it seems like every article on this subject always ends up like this. The husband is usually the one who doesn’t want more children and the wife does. (Of course in many cases it’s the opposite scenario but I’m just speaking to what I’ve seen and experienced). My thought is this: why should she just accept what her husband says? Why does his desire to not want more kids supersede her own desire to have more? Why should she be ok and give up? What if this is her life’s mission and purpose? She does the bulk of the work at home with childcare anyway.
I speak from the POV of someone who does want more kids. I have two. I want three. My husband is adamantly opposed. I resent him for it. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. Somehow I’m just supposed to roll over and be ok with this. It doesn’t sit well with me. Just like it’s not good for a marriage to pressure one into having kids, it’s also not good for a marriage for one to give up the dream of having more kids and live with the pain and anguish of what might have been. It’s not an obsession, it’s just a desire of the heart. Many of us are wired this way.
Have you considered getting a dog?! If you have playfulness left and enjoy raising little beings, bring a puppy into your family. Might genuinely meet your craving for giving more love, makes your mentally incomplete family of 3 into that perfect family of 4, and way less stress on your husband. I am not kidding, I think you’d love adding a dog to your household!
So, I’m an only who decided to have an only. There were many, many factors in this decision and my husband I were luckily on the same page. That said, my child is 3 now and half of his peers have recently acquired new siblings. I’ve had a few (very few) moments of wondering about our choice and I have found it very helpful to speak to people with siblings about what childhood was like with them, and what adulthood is like with them. I also visited a few online forums about siblings. Based on this super scientific research, I have concluded that whether having a sibling improves your life (in childhood, in adulthood, while parents are ill/gone) is essentially a coin flip. Also, watching up close the transition the older child experiences when a new child comes home is, uh, eye-opening. Kudos to all the parents who navigated it, but I am very happy I don’t have to deal with it. So, I’ll say the quiet part out loud: as a parent, having one is infinitely easier.
And, as an only child, now dealing with aging parents, I do not think it’s harder for me than my husband (who has 3 siblings). His family has had a lot of fights about how to handle aging parents. I have a lot of weight on my shoulders, I suppose, but no one screaming at me that I’m wrong. I’ve also had 40 years to prep. I am also closer to my parents than my husband is to his. I am, to be completely honest, glad I didn’t have siblings of my own.
The fear I share the most with LW is “what if something happens to my child” but dwelling on that is the way to madness and it is something to talk to my therapist about. It’s not for my son or my imaginary second to make me feel better about. I also suspect that anxious voice would not be quieted by the arrival of a second child. It might get worse, in fact.
I understand where LW is coming from. I had no idea how much I would absolutely be fulfilled by and love being a mother until I had my first baby. Then I had my second baby, who was the opposite of the first, and it just made me love being a mom so much more. I work full-time, always have, but my family is my world. Those babies are grown now but I’ve always regretted not trying for a third. Have that second one and don’t look back — even if you have to have it with someone else.
I don’t think the first child would thank their mom for that… no one wants to grow up in a broken home and the trauma has a very lasting impact… Your children’s happiness should come first..
I disagree with Wendy on this.
We have 4 kids, all intentionally (we are Catholic, so can only use NFP or “fertility awareness methods” when TTA, and it has been effective when needed…however I do think going a natural route subconsciously opens you to having more than maybe you would have otherwise.) We had 3 boys all in a row (18 mo and 2.5 y apart) and they are best friends…. it has been such a blessing (granted, they broke a lot of things when little, but, a blessing, now that they’re bigger😅)… Then, almost 5y of secondary infertility before having a little girl this year. In spite of the age gap, they treat her like a princess, just delight in entertaining her… So proud when she grins. I am not getting any younger, but we both would still like to have another, to give her a friend close in age. (I know, I’m biased. Kids are the best!).
That said….Your concerns about your only child having no one when you’re gone and possibly having a heavy burden are valid. Also, practically speaking, having more kids is more opportunities for grandkids, and potentially a fuller busier fulfilling old age for you. One kid might move across the country, only to be seen every 3-5 years. If you have two, or a handful, odds are good *someone* ends up within a 2 hour radius, such that you can see each other with some frequency, and maybe give your grandkids their own sense of place and rootedness, by actually knowing their family. Most importantly though– your children are what live on long after you’re gone. If you can raise one or two or five who are good, kind, productive, etc and they each have two or four or five and on and on… You tip the balance of goodness in the world. That’s a much more permanent way to make the world a better place, and certainly more meaningful than a few extra vacations.
Obviously, you don’t want to do something deceitful and wreck the marriage. You two do need to be on the same page, as the marriage is the cornerstone…. But, I would pray for him. And perhaps consider more natural methods over BC…I do think it softens people over time, having sex more closely linked to its purpose. Mostly- try to make friends with people who DO have multiple children, and are happy about it. Surround yourself with people that will slowly normalize the fun and activity and adventure that is having a couple (or even a lot!) of kids, such that it becomes natural not weird, and he becomes more open to it over time…Like, hey the Joneses have 3 and they’re thriving. The Smiths have 4 and haven’t lost their mind :)… Good luck!
I’m one of several siblings even though I am very individualistic and not very close with them, I’ve got 4 kids myself. The last one was a surprize. Otherwise, never in my family life was there a question to have just one child. Kids means work, lots of work. But why are we living and what are we leaving — children. So I totally disagree with Wendy.
Having said that I have no idea how to approach the husband. One option is a hard line which has significant risks up to divorce. Maybe try to understand husband’s detailed concerns regarding second child. How big are they how valid. Are they real blockers. Slowly and thoroughly work through them. Looking at my kids I clearly see benefits for them in having siblings. It seems you have easy time with your first. If anything having second one sooner rather than later is easier both on parents and for the kids. They play with each other instead of constantly bugging parents for attention. Logistics does become harder later with after school activities though. Also with time and age people’s hormonal level change, people become more calm and accepting. So can your husband. But having another child later is harder. So, try to convince your spouse now with the promise of him becoming more accepting later.
Good luck.
Having just had our first child, and not quite sure yet if we want a second one, it’s been really interesting reading the comments to this article, thank you. Lots of great advice!
For me, what should drive the decision to a second child is the children’s well being first and foremost.
I agree there is no guarantee at all that having brothers and sisters will make a child happier. It completely depends on the children themselves (personality wise) and most importantly on the family dynamic instilled by the parents. Siblings are not necessarily close or supportive, may it be in childhood or to take care of ageing parents. It’s equally as important, if not more, to learn how to make good friends and find a good spouse.
It is almost certain however that having a second child which is not wanted by the other partner and that could risk the marriage and family dynamic will create unhappiness for the first (and second) child. Therefore if one partner doesn’t want a second child and there is already a great happy family dynamic then stopping at one is the reasonable choice. Your first child will not thank you and might resent you for breaking the family to have a second child (what’s with that crazy advice to go ahead and have one with someone else?).
To answer some comments that LW’s feelings of wanting more children are as valid as her husband’s of not wanting any: you are right. Both feelings are valid. And yes you might always miss having more. However, I (and this is entirely personal/cultural) think that the children’s well being is more important than their parents feelings. The trauma created by an unhappy childhood are really hard to erase whereas the parents (who are adults) can find a solution and compromise to keep their family as happy as possible through therapy. After all, the happiness associated to the number of children you have is entirely a matter of perspective and can be worked upon, contrarily to the trauma of an unhappy childhood over which you’ve had no control and for which you didn’t have the necessary maturity. If you thought you couldn’t have any children then you would be over the moon and feel incredibly lucky to have one, even if it means no grandchildren. You might feel some regret not having any more but it would much easier to accept. And as suggested in other comments you could find satisfaction taking care of other kids.
To conclude, the LW should seek therapy with her husband to explore the reasons behind their desires for one or more children and seek a compromise which they can accept going forward. And if LW’s husband is firm in his desire, LW should try to appreciate the incredible luck she’s been blessed with!
You need two enthusiastic yeses for a kid. Otherwise, it’s no. I would see a counselor. A grief recovery class may be helpful. It’s not the same, but you can still be a cool aunt to a lot of kids who need a good, loving person in their lives. I love to reach out to neighbor kids and kids in my circle. Have you hung out with mothers of toddlers? It’s a completely different experience and pushes many parents to the brink. My husband is an only child. It was a relief when his last parent passed that he clearly made the decision to follow her wishes and didn’t have to argue over inheritance or decisions. I know families of five kids or more that bicker incredibly over even smaller decisions. I know families of 10+ kids that do not like each other or get along and can be incredibly hurtful to each other. There are no guarantees except: you chose your husband. Do you still choose him? Is this just baby fever? I personally didn’t set out to have one child, but my ex’s choices and a divorce at age 35 resulted in it. I love that I can dote on my child and give him advantages. He’s a good, kind child. I know other good, kind, only children. My son now has half-siblings but isn’t close to them for a myriad of reasons. I don’t envision he would be able to lean on them for support in the future due to their disabilities. My child may have to share the responsibility for looking out for them later in life. Your next theoretical child could also have disabilities and require a lot of support instead of providing support to your first child. There are no guarantees in life. We are really, really bad at predicting the future. Make the best of what you have and make peace that this is the life you chose. Divorce is always an option. I will say: time sharing your kid is the worst unless it’s the only option to provide them with a stable, safe life when they are with you. You both adapt and it’s healthier than a high-conflict environment, but it hurts your heart. Is one baby full-time with a partner you love better than a divorce and a second child but having to share custody and time with your ex? Our default is 50/50 if both parents are local. Blended families also are more likely to fail and much more complicated as you bring in exes and stepchildren into the mix. Stepparenting is not for the faint of heart. It is so different in ways I did not expect. I try my best but it’s been incredibly, insanely difficult. Good luck. I’m sorry.