“My Fiancé’s Mother and I May Be Estranged Before the Wedding”
The problem started after we moved to a new house. I had a box set aside for things that were to be given away to charity. In another room, I had a box of shot glasses that I had been collecting for over 10 years and that held a lot of sentimental value to me. Somehow, Jane put this box with the charity items and gave my collection away. I was, and still am, heartbroken about this and very upset with Jane over it. She maintains that before she took the box to charity, she asked me to look through it, so it’s not her fault. I say that there’s no reason I would ever think that something of mine would be in the giveaway box if I had not put it there. In an effort to avoid discord I tried to put this behind me, despite her lack of apology, and made excuses for her, thinking that perhaps she was embarrassed about it, and went on as before.
Fast-forward to a few months later, and the tension in the house has been rising due to Jane’s continued lack of employment and her seeming lack of any efforts to find any. During this time, a friend of mine let slip that Jane had told her that I was being very immature about my disappearing shot glass collection and that she had done nothing wrong and had absolutely no intention whatsoever of ever apologizing, and that if I thought that I was owed one then I was mistaken. I am FURIOUS about this, and this new information combined with my frustration with the employment situation caused a humongous argument with Jane and she moved out — after a year of living here rent-free — still refusing to apologize, and I no longer want anything to do with her.
My fiancé has thus far been very supportive of me in this and defended me to his mother during this period of turbulence. Unfortunately, he now wants to start inviting her over again and doesn’t understand that I do not want her in the house. I feel that until I get an apology, there’s nothing that we need to say to one another and while I will not prevent him from seeing her, I don’t feel I’m obligated to play hostess to her. He says that they were just shot glasses and I need to get over it.
How can I make him understand that this is not about the shot glasses anymore and rather about his mother’s total lack of regard for me? My fiancé and I are planning to be married at the end of March next year and I feel that giving in now will set the tone with her for the rest of my life and I am not going to be walked on by anyone. Am I being immature? SHOULD I just “get over it”? Or am I right to put my foot down over the principle of this matter? — Shot Blown
As you say, you and your MIL are going to be in each other’s lives for many, many years. You’re going to spend holidays together and birthdays, and who knows how many family get-togethers and reunions. She’s the mother of the man you love, and if you have kids together, she’ll be their grandmother. You owe it to all of them to do your part in creating a harmonious home family dynamic. This means picking your battles, and frankly, this battle you’ve picked is kind of a silly one to base a potential estrangement over.
Yes, your MIL-to-be should have apologized! Absolutely. But for whatever reason — pride, shame, fear of you — she didn’t. Her reaction — to shut down and then to bad-mouth you behind your back — was childish and hurtful and I am definitely not excusing her. But she did ask you to double-check the box she was taking to charity and you didn’t. Can you appreciate how she might see you as partly responsible for the loss of your shot glasses?
Look, if I were you I’d apologize. Do it for your fiancé who has these two stubborn, self-righteous women he probably desperately loves and wants to please at each other’s throats. Swallow your pride and apologize for him so he can go into his wedding and marriage without a crazy estrangement between his wife and mother already at play. Tell your future MIL that you’re sorry you didn’t look through the charity boxes like she asked you to and you’re sorry you put all the blame on her for your missing shot glasses. Explain to her that you were overly emotional because there was a lot of sentimental value in that collection and the shock of losing it made you over-react. Apologize for letting things get so blown out of proportion and tell her that you always appreciated the help she provided around your home while she stayed with you and you hope you can put this episode behind you and repair your relationship from here. You may not necessarily get the apology you desperately want in return — though it’s definitely possible! — but I bet you’ll get the respect and regard you say you’re missing from her.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I’m behind Wendy 100% here. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, aren’t there a lot worse things that could come between you and your MIL? Is one tiny mistake (with or without apology) worth causing tension between you and her for the REST OF
YOUR LIFE? You guys don’t have to be besties, but for the sake of your poor fiancee, move past it and accept that accidents happen.
I agree with Wendy. But you need to grow up and get over yourself. This is your fiancés family! Just keep the peace .
I’m starting to feel like Wendy’s answers should be multiple choice, with the options being the following:
1. Of course you should MOA.
2. Grow the fuck up.
3. Use common sense.
4. You need therapy.
Clearly, they can be used in combination.
I agree with Wendy about picking your battles. From your description of your future-MIL, she has never give you any reason to think she would deliberately do something to hurt you. It was a mistake. She said she asked you to look through the boxes before she took them and you did not. Perhaps you are mad because you feel like she is dismissing your feelings by not apologizing for taking your shots glass that have sentimental value to you. Truthfully they are just stuff! Those memories will always be with you as will your MIL for a long time. Should she have apologized for the mistake? Yes. But I think this has gone beyond her wanting to. You are being immature in the fact that you never let it go. If you had just talked to her and explained why you were so upset about losing your shot glasses, perhaps your future MIL would have been more understanding. You really never let the issue go and it has probably been that black cloud over your household all that time until you heard the latest news that put you over the top. Let it go for the sake of your future husband. It’s his mother. He is not going to take her out of his life. At least he defended you but remember it’s his house too. You don’t have to be best friends but having a civil relationship will go a long way with both your future MIL and husband. BTW, I’m married too, so I have some experience with MILs.
The MIL didn’t do this with any malice. There are MILs out there who are evil witches. Wendy is right on when she says to kiss and make up now before there are grandkids who will be caught in the crossfire. I know, I am one of those grandkids. My mother brainwashed us that Nana was an evil witch. After I became an adult, I found out from one of my cousins what the original argument was about, which caused such an estrangement that I saw my Nana twice before my father died, and never after he died. To think I missed out on knowing this wonderful woman who loved my cousins with every fiber of her being. Is it worth it to deprive your children of this love, so that you can be “right”?
I also agree with Wendy, you need to put this behind you. If not for you & your fiance, do it for your future children. Grandparents have a special role in children’s lives and to cut her out of you life would really be penalizing them more than you can imagine.
My brother didn’t speak to our family for almost 10 years because of a similar situation & now that we’ve been back in contact, I am happy to have met my teenage nieces but it pains me that our family had missed out on the best years of their lives.
I agree with Wendy that you need to let this go, because it was a mistake on her part. If she knew you wanted to keep them and donated them anyway, then I could understand being upset with her but not to the degree that you want her out of your life and the life of her son (and possibly future grandchildren).
However, I don’t think your hostility over this is solely due to the shot glasses – I think it’s the fact that she lived with you for so long without gainful employment. You seem to be trying to be mature over allowing her to stay with you and your fiancé, but your words to describe the situation point to the fact that you weren’t as “okay” with it as you are trying to convince yourself, and I’m assuming your fiancé. Having her live with you for that long of a period of time _is_ a very big deal, and I think you need to be honest about that if it happens in the future. I’m not suggesting you throw her out on the street, but if that is the underlying cause of tension that will result in you making “mountains out of molehills”, then you need to address it if the possibility of her living with you and your fiancé comes up again.
I’d like to point out that you say that you initially put it behind you and moved on after she didn’t apologize, but that your MIL told a friend that you were “being very immature” about it, and that she has “no intention of ever apologizing”. So she obviously knew that you two were in a bit of a standoff about the shot glasses, and that you were holding out for an apology. So yes, you WERE being immature.
I’m one of those people who argues with family and then goes back to living peacefully like nothing ever happened. In my family, it’s unacceptable to hold grudges. You just don’t erase family from your life. In fact, people will get on the phone with you and yell at you if you refuse to come to a family function because you’re mad at someone else in the family. You come anyway and be civil, then work out your problems later! There would have to be an extreme circumstance like stealing a large sum of money and blowing it on cocaine, leaving me homeless, before I’d consider creating longstanding tension. She’s your MIL (or soon will be), and she’s family now, so petty arguments about who’s right and who’s wrong don’t hold water. Extend the olive branch. If you can’t swallow the thought of apologizing, borrow an olive branch from my family tree and let your fiance invite her over and pretend it never happened. You can be cool but friendly at first and work back to your old relationship over time.
I agree with you here. Coming from a family with both large issues (stealing large sums of money) and small issues (sister-in-law / mother issues) there are definitely things to hold a grudge over and not…things are civil between my SIL and Mom, but their relationship is strained for really stupid reasons related to immaturity on my SIL’s part (I was an eye witness to it all).
LW, don’t ruin a potentially good relationship with your MIL because it will only cause strain for the entirety of your fiance’s family and potentially create resentment for you with his siblings, especially over something as “seemingly unimportant” as shot glasses. Do not put your fiance in that situation.
I agree totally with Wendy and the other commentators. I have a mother whom I love dearly, but who can be a very difficult person to get along with. This would be the type of thing that would happen with her, and would turn into a long grudge and source of endless frustration. So I feel for you. However, being on the other side of the fence (the one with the difficult parent), I have to tell you that I would be heartbroken and panicked if I had to be in the middle between my mother and my fiance. I am fortunate, as my fiance is an incredible guy who is pretty laid back. He has never put me in the middle and understands that I love my mother, and that is the way she is. You cannot change somebody. But you can change how YOU react to them. I know its hard, but for his sake (and your own in the long run), let it go. Be the bigger person and bridge the gap. At this point, you are only making things more difficult for the bigger victim in this scenario, your fiance. I thank heaven for my SO’s calm-head, his support and his attitude towards the these types of situations with my parent over the years.
Get over it. Marriage is a unification of families, too. If your mother/or other family member had made the same mistake, would you be willing to banish them from your life forever? Treat your fiance’s family like your own, because from here on out, you’re stuck with them.
Yeah, you really wouldn’t want to ruin a lifelong relationship over something this small. Its not like she did something malicious or cruel and isn’t apologizing for it–she made a completely innocent mistake when she was trying to do a favor for you. If I were her, I definitely would have apologized, but I also would be very upset if I felt like you were holding any type of grudge about something that I did completely inadvertently. I understand you being annoyed, but really, you don’t want to allow her in your house over this??? That’s really, really overreacting. You’d think she’d have thrown all the shot glasses at your head or something, from how badly you want an apology and how angry you still are about this.
Right answer Wendy!! Life is too short to spend it being angry, trying to prove a point, or letting your pride get the best of you. Stop trying to prove to everyone that you won’t let your MIL walk all over you. She probably isn’t trying to anyways.
I mostly agree with Wendy, but I think rather than just apologize to your MIL, sit down and talk with her about it. If you’re able to have a calm, rational, ADULT discussion, maybe you’ll also get the apology you were waiting for.
Sheesh. Remind me to not start a collecting hobby.
I agree with Wendy. And the MIL is right. She asked you to look in the box and you didn’t. The whole fact that she asked you to look in it should have tipped you off that maybe there was something in there of yours. If that’s the only thing she does wrong, then you’re pretty lucky, especially after reading some of the other letters about in-laws.
But you have to realize that telling your husband that HIS MOTHER can’t come over to your house (not because she’s cruel toward you or has no respect for you, but because she accidentally took your shot glasses away), is ridiculous. People who say they can’t move on unless x happens (like an apology) are creating those circumstances. You can move on whenever you decide to move on. And you should, before irreparable damage is done to your relationship with your husband and his family.
Charity sold ’em that quickly? That sucks, but…you need to clear the air. You don’t want to start your marriage with that much tension. Like everyone else said, she’s going to be in your lives for a very long time. She probably felt bad, but looking at the stuff she couldn’t have known it was important to you.
You felt probably felt bad too because if you had double-checked the box it wouldn’t have happened. 🙁 I think if you do what Wendy said and extend the olive branch, you’ll probably get your apology. Not 100% certain, but MUCH more likely. She feels bad, but got on the defensive when you got angry at her.
And as long as your fiance knows inviting her over =/= living with you again, it should be fine. I would nudge your fiance (and you can pitch in too) to help her along the way to employment if she will accept it.
I’m going to play devil’s advocate here for a second to prove a point. Let’s say she was 100% in the wrong for donating your collection (you say that SHE said she asked you to double-check what was in the box, not that YOU remember this happening). In those circumstances, yes, it would be totally immature and selfish that she outright refuses to apologize for something that, presumably, you would be happy to forgive her for if she had. In this situation, there are two very big things that you have no control over: 1. this woman is immature and dysfunctional, 2. this women gave birth to the man you’re going to marry. She may very well be a mooch on you and other family members forever (you say she made up for it by helping around the house, but the fact that you included this information in your letter makes me think you’re a tad resentful which would be very understandable), and she may never apologize for anything hurtful she ever does to you for the rest of your natural lives. But if that’s the case, you have absolutely no control over her actions and as long as your husband wants his mother in your lives, the respectful and kind thing to do is to allow her in without a big fight. Plus, if you refuse contact with her you’ll be missing out on the wonderful things she can offer to your future family along with the aggravations, and that would be a shame. Unless she’s downright abusive or dangerous, I would just suck it up and be the better person here. It doesn’t make what she did any less right or you any less of a person for backing down, but it does make the whole situation easier. And when dealing with in-laws, easy is a very worthy goal!
Ya, LW is being immature. Sounds like the shot glass thing was an honest mistake. Her MIL probably felt bad about staying at her sons house in the first place and was trying to help out as much as she could so she wouldn’t be a burden on them. She made a little mistake and you jump all over her for it? Try and imagine yourself in her position. Being middle aged and underemployed/homeless is not something anyone plans for, but it’s happening more and more these days. If you can’t rely on your family who can you rely on? Sounds like MIL was moving around houses so she wouldn’t put too much pressure on any particular family member. I think LW is being a brat. Imagine raising a son, and all the sacrifice that means, and then later when you are going through a really difficult time feeling like you can’t rely on him for support because he’s living with a childish brat…
Does anyone else think it’s weird that this woman ‘in her late 20s’ is ready to wage an all out war with her future MIL over some freakin’ shot glasses? If that ain’t the biggest red flag for the relationship, I don’t know what is.
LW, please take Wendy’s advice and then run don’t walk to the nearest therapist to find out why freakin’ shot glasses would cause this much grief in your relationship with your future MIL. Because it is really about the shot glasses or some other problems in your relationship, life, etc that are manifesting as ‘she gave away my shot glasses’ ?
Maybe you don’t like that your MIL is living with you for extended periods of time or maybe just maybe it’s about who gets control of the fiance, after all men always marry their mothers; or it could be some other unhappiness that you have in your life that you don’t want to deal with directly and this battle is easier to face than the real one.
(This is the LW) Thank you for making that point. Yes, they were just shot glasses. But do you know what else they were? Mementos from a time in my life that I will never get back. I travel every year with my mom for my birthday and I get a shot glass every place I go. Every time a friend of mine travels, they know to get me a shot glass as a souvenir. This was my tradition WAY before I met my fiance. This was 10+ years of memories – gone. I know that I still have the memories, but these shot glasses were very sentimental to me. THIS is why I was originally upset, but not why I am angry with her.
I get that those things have sentimental value to you because they represent traveling with your friends/family. But the question I have to ask you is… what if you had children and they had broken the glasses, would you be so angry with them that you would kick them out? (far fetched I know) Or what if something happened to your house and they were destroyed? What would be your reaction?
My point is…material objects DO NOT make memories, people do and memories of the fun times you had during the travel are stored in your heart and brain, not on a shelf in the symbol of a shot glass.
I ultimately believe that your particular problem has nothing to do with the shot glasses but with something else and I think you should step back from the situation and think about what it really is that you are upset about. If you want to keep thinking it’s your MIL, *shrug* go ahead but I guarantee you will lose a lot more than some shot glasses.
Nope, I’ve been there many times and realized that it wasn’t what they did but how I felt about or in the situation.
Once I figured out what was eating me up, I was able let go of the hurt/resentment/anger in the situation and move toward a resolution that made me feel better. Also, I knew for the future what boundaries I needed to set for that person so I wouldn’t wind up in the same situation.
Best of Luck, though.
NaturalBlue/LW,
I just want to address what you said about the 10+ years of memories being gone. Many moons ago when I was a teen, my family and I move across the country, from Illinois to Arizona. Our moving trailer was stolen, absolutely everything we’ve ever owned was gone. Keepsakes and all. Trust me, I understand sentimentality. But, never had memories been so important to me. I’ve said all that to say, the memories do not lie in the objects themselves, you still have them. You’ve had every right to get upset, sad even. But, reconsider the grudge. You’re going to end up creating many more negative memories if you continue to do so.
I TOTALLY get where you’re coming from LW. I have a father-in-law who has the best of intentions, but his stubbornness and unwillingness to listen make it hard to get along with him. However I feel you need to provide some clarity here. When you say that “you don’t want her in the house” do you mean that she’s not to live in the residence again, rent-free or that she’s never to step in the premises again ?
If it was the former, I would say that this is a VERY reasonable request as a newlywed couple. A marriage is hard enough to work in with two people, and having someone there interrupts all dynamics you are trying to form. I don’t think Shotglass Wars would have occurred in the first place if your MIL wasn’t there interrupting the dynamic of you preparing your home – who decides that there should be TWO boxes given to charity when it was explained that there is only ONE. It’s hard for a man to be accommodating to his future wife with his mother around. Even if you have room for her, having someone else in the nest with you, even if they’re the ideal roommate, is encroaching, and your fiancé should support that.
If it was the latter, then her banishment until apology is totally unreasonable on your end. Would you want your children to not have you in their homes because their spouse doesn’t want you in the house? She may never apologize for what happened, but you need to accept that. Do you need to apologize to her in return? I think issuing ultimatums regarding the relationship of your fiancé and his mom does deserve from humble pie from you. That doesn’t mean that you should cowtow to her every whim whenever she’s a guest in your home, but you should at least say hello when she enters and say goodbye when she leaves. Giving her the cold shoulder/silent treatment/home banishment now will be harder to repair once you start having children, so don’t deny your potential future children visits from Grandma over shotglasses.
Sadly, the collection is gone and sadly, your future MIL is here to stay – literally, if you allow her to. Be good to your fiance and, even if you’d like to wring her immature, feckless little neck, you’ll have to be the bigger woman and find a way to smooth this over with her – for his sake. That’s what families have to do sometimes.
Keep the peace with his family as much as possible. Your life will be much smoother and easier if you can find a way to get along with her and everyone else for that matter.
Try not to hold grudges… be the bigger person and talk things out with her or whomever upsets you in the future.
This is the LW. For the record, it isn’t about the shot glasses anymore, I was simply explaining the background of what happened. I was upset about them, but my problem is that even if it was an accident as you have all asserted (and which I 100% believe), why would that not merit an apology? If you bumped into someone on accident, you would apologize. Especially since, up to that point, we had a very friendly relationship. Wouldn’t you apologize to a friend if you accidentally did something that hurt them? If you had a friend that accidentally hurt your feelings and then called you immature for wanting an apology, wouldn’t you be even MORE hurt?
Also, for the record, my fiance was way more agitated about her living with us than I was. I was the one defending her to him, telling him that we couldn’t just kick her out and we needed to help her. Even after all this happened, I told her that she didn’t need to move out (although I understand that it would have been uncomfortable after our fight). I have seen her several times since then and have been perfectly civil and nice and have not said anything to her or my fiance about any of this (nor have I ever banned her from coming to the house, even though I was uncomfortable with it at first) so I don’t feel that I’m being a “brat”.
I do agree that I’m just going to have to find a way to get over this since there will never be an apology and I don’t particularly want to be mad at her for the rest of my life. I DO NOT agree that I should be the one apologizing, but I will do my best to swallow my pride on this and MOA. Thank you for your advice, Wendy.
I don’t think you’re being a brat either. I have a MIL who can be the sweetest woman ever and then say the craziest things to me. And I generally have to be the one to apologize, as Wendy said, for my husband. But I may apologize for my tone of voice or for starting an argument … I will not apologize for the things that I said because I meant them. Also consider, once your MIL-to-be realized the mistake, she may have gotten upset with you as a defense mechanism because she knew you would be upset with her. Doesn’t make much sense but it does happen. So, see if you can find something that you feel comfortable apologizing for … raising your voice, carrying a grudge, starting an argument … and then like you said. Let it go. This will be the first in a long line of bizarre MIL situations to come, trust me 🙂
Great answer!
I don’t think you necessarily need to apologize, at least any more than a “sorry that we haven’t been getting along” sort of deal. The MIL sounds like one of those people who doesn’t like to admit they are wrong or who isn’t good with apologies, so she wanted to justify why she did what she did. That sucks, but the reality is that having an ongoing feud with your in-laws can be really detrimental to your marriage and can mar what would be fun times at holidays and family gatherings. I don’t think that trying to make the peace is about YOU apologizing to HER, but more about not creating a really rough relationship. Because you’re going to have her in your life for a very long time.
OK – I get it now. It wasn’t the fact that the shotglasses are gone. It’s just that she didn’t apologize that the incident occurred. For her to apologize would mean that she would need to assert responsibility that the incident occurred. She has already repeated that it wasn’t her fault, so there is no chance that she would apologize and accept the responsibility for the incident. For her to apologize would also mean that she empathizes with your loss of the shotglasses. Although I personally feel sorry that a sentimental collection like that which was developed for over 10 years are now gone, maybe your MIL just cannot develop the empathy for your loss. She may not apologize just for that as well.
Just accept that some people don’t want to be burdened with responsibility or empathy and recognize that your MIL is just one of those people.
I think she doesn’t want to apologize because she doesn’t feel that it is her fault. She told you to check the box, doing her part to make sure that something like this didn’t happen, but you opted against it. I don’t really know what else she could have done, so I think its a little silly to put all of the blame on the lost shot glasses on her, instead of just realizing that it was just an unfortunate thing that happened. I still think she should have apologized, or at least expressed that she is sorry that it happened, even if she doesn’t feel that she is at fault. But, if she felt your anger toward her from the get-go and didn’t feel that it was deserved, I can understand why she would be withholding an apology.
I wouldn’t apologize to her if I were you, I would just be the bigger person and try to forget the whole thing ever happened. Maybe she behaved in an irksome manner or a way you don’t fully understand, but that happens. Cutting her out of your life isn’t going to accomplish anything.
Totally get where you are coming from. But what I have realized is that some people just will not apologize. I don’t get it either – like you, if I know I hurt a friend or family member I will apologize even if I felt that I did nothing wrong – because obviously I did something wrong or the other person wouldn’t be so upset.
And I just went through this with a friend. We were having a bit of a heated email exchange when I finally wrote that I couldn’t continue the emails because I found the whole thing to be upsetting and hurtful. And then we talked and I again told her that I was hurt by what she had said/done. Her response? It was my fault for taking her words/actions the wrong way. She did nothing wrong, it was all my problem. We’re not so close friends anymore and never will be.
The point being, some people just refuse to acknowledge they hurt another person and will never, ever apologize for it.
I’m with you. Move on, put it behind you, but I definitely don’t think you need to apologize.
What I don’t understand is how on earth she didn’t reflexively apologize in the moment. If it had been me, and someone said, “Oh my god that box was my box of souvenirs from around the world, you were supposed to save that” the FIRST thing out of my mouth would be, “Oh my god I’M SO SORRY!” followed by frantic calls to the charity to see if they still had the box.
But anyway. I would try to just let it go and get on with life. Good luck 🙂
Sorry, but you just did not seem to get it. And another thing about the mother living rent-free with the two of you: I do think that if you have the financial means to support that, you HAVE TO do it. She raised your partner and did not expect anything in return. The fact that your partner wants to kick her on the street should be a big warning sign for you. I couldn’t even imagine my mother not having the security of a roof over her head after all she has done for me. You should both grow up!
Like a few others have said, it doesn’t sound like she gave away your collection with the intention of hurting you. I’d guess that she feels embarrassed and maybe inadequate that she’s had to depend on her children to support her while she’s out of work, and straining your relationship even further was the last thing she wanted to do. I think everyone would have been initially shocked and sad that their collection was gone, and you were entitled to those feelings, but don’t let that start you on the wrong foot with your fiance’s family for the rest of your life. Yes, she acted poorly afterward by talking about you behind your back, and she most likely does not feel that she needs to apologize. I’ve been there – that can be really frustrating. But it’s critical to your own sanity (and that of your fiance) that you extend forgiveness to her, even without an apology. Maybe you can send her flowers or invite her over for dinner… do something kind that will melt the ice in a less awkward way, and THEN talk about it and put it in the past. And by put it in the the past, I really mean forgive and let it go. Don’t bring it up in the future during arguments, don’t make her feel bad about her mistake six months from now, or bad mouth her to other people. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you’re acknowledging that what the other person did was OK or didn’t hurt you; it just means that you are choosing not to let it control your life or your relationships. That you’re prioritizing a peaceful family relationship over a life of bitterness and grudges. You’ll be so much happier, even if it’s hard at first.
Did you ever consider just going to the Goodwill/Salvation Army/etc and buying the glasses back? You may not be able to recover your entire collection, but most of what is donated at these stores is later sold at the same stores. But regardless, shot glasses, or any material item for that matter, are not worth causing a schism in your family. Please apologize and move on.
I agree with Wendy’s advice. I think, based on your description of your MIL’s behavior and the way she lives her life, you’ll have plenty of opportunity in the future for a rift. Yes, you may be blowing this out of proportion this time, but she is a grown ass woman with grown ass children and she can’t keep a job, mooches off all her kids, and talks behind family members’ backs. Something like this will probably happen again, so be the bigger person this time. It will do wonders to keep your husband on your side.
People are really too hung up on material things. In the end, yes it sucks to lose your shot glasses but what you are really losing in this fight is a relationship with a real live person who has the potential to be there for you in ways that a bunch of pieces of glass will never be. Sure it may bring back memories to look at a collection. but in a few years more than likely they will just be dust collectors that you store in a cardboard box up in the attic cause you don’t want the kids to break them. Forgive your mother in law. Especially if shes a nice person for the most part. A strained relationship with her is not worth it.
Wow, over shot glasses? Really? I agree with Wendy, you need to get over it and take the high road. I hate to think of the many things you fly off the handle about with your poor husband.
A lot of people are jumping all over her for being immature and not seeing the MIL’s point of view, but how many people can really see another person’s side of things ALL the time, especially when it comes to the people closest to us? The shot glasses may seem like a tiny thing, and perhaps they’re not as a big a deal to the LW as she makes it sound. The point is, there’s all this tension built up and it’s hard for the LW to see what’s what anymore. The LW is upset, but she’s not being a huge immature brat- she’s just a little emotional. I think we can all relate to that.
So let’s give the LW a little credit for her side as well and hope she takes Wendy’s very spot on advice.
Hey, I’m all for realizing the fact that MIL’s can be annoying, BUT unfortunately, you are stuck with them. Unless your fiance decides he never wants to speak to her again, well, you’re stuck…You can’t say anything & yes, that is your home but it’s his home too & really, the matter at hand isn’t all that big.
One thing I’ve learned in one very nasty divorce, one very sudden foreclosure, and many many moves – most of which I had no control over – is that stuff gets lost or somehow gone. Some of it is sentimental, irreplaceable or simply wonderful. But in the end, it’s all just stuff. That was a tough lesson for me to learn because I love my stuff. But that’s not what makes us who we are.
I won’t comment on the relationship issues here; that’s been done rather well, IMO. But please don’t ever put the stuff in your life before those relationships. It’s just stuff.
I’m not going to touch on the politics of fighting over shot glasses or whatever. I disagree with Wendy that you should apologize to your MIL.
Your MIL drifts between houses, preferring having no stability to having to be responsible. She has lived with you multiple times, collectively a long period of time. Then, she does something she doesn’t mean to do, but it causes you severe distress. She should at the very least be sorry that she caused such grievance to you, if she cannot be sorry for not thinking twice before donating what was obviously a beloved collection.
I don’t think you owe her an apology for anything, because she doesn’t understand the value of apologizing for the sake of saving a relationship even if the apologizer thinks the apology-receiver is being petty. Your MIL is not willing to validate your feelings or try to find some middle ground in order to save your relationship, so I wouldn’t either. Obviously, everything has to be on her terms, or you can just go screw yourself… so I don’t blame you for kicking her out!
I do think that you should try to maintain some sort of benign relationship with her, outside your home. I think that it’s okay to be once burned, twice shy. Remember that this woman doesn’t give a damn about your feelings if she happens to screw anything up – don’t let her live with you again, but please do try to be cordial and redevelop at least a basic friendship with her so that you don’t end up being the Bad Witch Who Stole Her Son.
I’m with you Britannia. Be careful of this MIL. Be careful of this fiance. Your life is going to be like this episode over and over again. Is it worth it?
I don’t comment here often, but I want to address something: Not the shot glasses or the apology, but the MIL’s unemployment. I’m guessing I’m close to the MIL’s age (I’m 47). Frankly, MIL is a loser and a moocher. A grown woman who can’t look after herself and expects others to put a roof over her head is pathetic. I don’t care what anyone says about the economy: I put my resume on Careerbuilder 4 months ago, just for the heck of it (I’m not really looking), and I get calls/emails about jobs DAILY – gigs located all over the US that pay at least $50K. (Real jobs, not those goofy fake ones, ha!) One of my close friends, also 47, got laid off in April, and within 6 weeks had 3 offers paying over 100K.
LW, regardless of how you resolve the immediate situation – and this advice goes for everyone here: Do not allow other adults to manipulate, guilt, or shame you into providing for them. There is no reason for an able-bodied middle-aged adult to be chronically unemployed.
I agree Misslisa. Good answer.
This seems to be a case where the LW is stuck between *being right* and *getting what she wants*. I read that she wants an apology as the price of restoring the balance and family harmony. And I read that she wants to be right about who her MIL is (stubborn, proud, unempathetic, underhanded, passive aggressive). I learned that I can ALWAYS *be right* about anything I want, but sometimes being right is less important than *getting what I wanted* in my life. It often comes down to the choice. If LW wants a better functioning family, I agree with Wendy’s advice. If LW wants to be right, then it’s important that she understands that was her priority and her choice. The nice thing, though, it’s never too late to change your mind about it if you realize that you’ve made the wrong choice.
This is the one time I don’t agree with Wendy’s advice. If it was simply about a few shot glasses here or there, I would say “get over it,” but a large collection that’s been building up for a while and was separated from the donation boxes? That’s ridiculous. And then to go behind LW’s back and talk to a friends of LW telling her how immature she is? That’s immature of the MIL and I wouldn’t let her in the house either. It’s as much the LW’s decision as it is the fiancé’s.
All the LW can do from here is start over with her collection (unfortunately) and put them in a place of high regard. As for the MIL, she needs to get off her high horse and start showing respect for one of the bridges that can so easily be burned.
I know this hurts and I understand LW is sad about her loss, but I think she needs to take a step back.
MIL made a mistake, but she did ask LW to double-check the boxes and she opted not to, and she still doesn’t seem to acknowledge that mistake on her part.
Then she and a few folks here make a big deal about MIL talking “behind my back” and I want to take issue with that. Come on, you’re not 12. You know women talk with their friends, especially when there’s something going on, they vent about their feelings, frustations, struggles, etc. — you know we ALL do it, every single one of us. That’s how we think through situations. You can’t take it that personally. And besides, I don’t think it was that big of a deal what she said to the mutual friend — she said LW was being immature about the collection and she wasn’t going to apologize. And separate from the apology/no apology issue, when LW was stubborn and hostile toward MIL when you both made mistakes that led to the shot glasses being lost, that was immature.
Now, I think it would be big of you to apologize, but if you don’t, I think that will be ok too. Probably if you just start acting nice to her, invite her over, be kind, then she’ll respond accordingly and you guys can just go back to normal. Just get over it and be nice.
as someone from a broken family, i would say that you need to (almost) always put things behind you, be the bigger person, and make it right no matter what. i have NEVER met my family, save for a few that i have only met once or twice. i have a mom (one of 5 children), a dad (also one of 5), and a sister, and that is it. i actually have an uncle that lives in the same town i do, and refuses to speak to my mom so i have never met him, or his children, or his children’s children. i dont even know what they look like. i could have potentially dated a cousin and i would have never known. i have always envied people who have a family, so i would say not to take for granted what you do have, and let it go.
RUN! SAVE YOURSELF -WHILE YOU CAN!
IF you both are fighting now over shotglasses… there is no point in going further, cut bait and move on. There will be endless battles in the future, with no clear winners
Life is long when your waiting for that blessed day your MIL drops dead.
I agree Kimberly. I was shocked that so many readers were focused on “an apology”. I was focused on “Why is your mil living with you?”
Seriously? I’m pretty sure the comments ha e been overrun with other uncaring, selfish MILs. Your future MIL is a freeloading, inconsiderate hag. I’d seriously reconsider the next step in your life. Have you laid down any base rules with your fiance? Like how long she’d be allowed to live with you in the future? How much money he’s willing to shell out for her laziness?
And you’re not even married. Her lack of remorse and level of interference is only going to get worse after marriage – not to mention after grand babies…
I agree Michelle. Boundaries need to be set with this woman. Why does she get to lounge around while the LW is busy working? What would these readers say if instead of a MIL it was the fiance’ older brother? The MIL sounds heathy, just a great manipulator of all of her children. What happens when this woman retires–she’ll have no money for retirement and then what?
I 100% disagree with Wendy! You absolutely DO NOT owe your horrid MIL an apology. You are justified in feeling that your space was violated by what she did. I recommend journaling (in a locked computer or other safe space) to vent your feelings. And I recommend finding it in your heart to pity what a pathetic, toxic creature she is. You’ll feel better if you can acknowledge that she is mentally ill and deserves pity for her apparent disability. Make sure you set clear boundaries with people like her, when they are an unavoidable part of your life, and stand firm on those boundaries. Do not let her move in with you. Do not let anyone make you compromise healthy, comfortable boundaries. And so not ever feel the need to apologize to a toxic person. You deserve to be respected, and your partner should support you. If he doesn’t, then end it and move on. Life is too short to let yourself be abused and mistreated.
Stay strong, sister!
I think wendy is wrong on this one.
The MIL does not automatically get grandparent rights, and she’s been chronically freeloading non stop off and on, at your exspense.
She’s had no right to touch, move any boxes at all in your home. So why she put out your special collection is beyond me.
She could, and should, as the person who constantly free loads, be willing to step up and properly apologize and mean it. All OP is looking for is a genuine apology. Not that hard.
Instead she’s being called immature, like be so for real.
What’s silly is not apologizing.
I think it’s time you and hubby set the boundary that grandma act like an adult and house herself. No more free ride. Especially if she’s going to act, and behave that way.
Sometimes you have to forgive even when people don’t deserve it. And it is HARD.
I lived with my MIL and FIL for a while. I had a special small Music box that I had received when I was 10 years old for my birthday. It was from Disneyland and when you turned the crank it would play it’s a small world. Growing up in a dysfunctional family I mainly had bad memories and very few gifts. This was one of my treasured items. One time MIL gave the music box to my husbands niece to play with. She was 3 or 4. My husband took it back, put it on the high shelf and told his mother it was not a toy to be played with and it was special to me.
Month later the next time I picked it up it was broken. MIL obviously had disregareded our instructions and let my niece play with it and break it. I was heartbroken. It felt like the one good memory I had was now garbage. My husband yelled at his Mother. She was a bad listener and was 100% in the wrong. His Mother was sorry but it was devastating.
I forgave her but it still makes my heart break. Some people don’t deserve forgiveness but we don’t really have a lot of choice than to hold a life long grudge. You can be the bigger person. And know that you are doing it for your husband and not for your MIL. And even if you let her into your home you don’t have to spend any real quality time with her. Just be polite and leave.
Good comment Suz. No apology. Set boundaries or this kind of behavior will go on for the rest of your life.