“I Want to Move And My Wife Doesn’t. Will This End Our Marriage?”
I have offered for us to periodically fly back to see family, or take 700-mile drives (one way) from neighboring states. I said that if we moved, she could take an easier job, retire sooner, and have more of what she wants, all while not compromising our standard of living and perhaps even improving it (with lower cost of living). She said “no”. She suggested we sell our house and buy two places, one for her near family and one where I want to be (not in CA). This is tantamount to ending the marriage since each of us would very likely spend 98% of our time where we live.
This appears irreconcilable, the gap between us Grand Canyon-wide in its breadth, too wide to meet in the middle and also because there is no viable “middle.” The marriage is suffering from other problems, but I never expected such a thing like “where to live” to be the wedge that could destroy decades of marriage. No matter if we live in or out of CA, resentment will live within the person who is not living where he or she wants. I feel very trapped, with no possible good “out”. — Looking for a Way Out
I like your wife’s idea of selling your house. Only, I wouldn’t buy new places just yet. I suggest you rent a small home for your wife to live in, near the family she wants to be close to, and you rent a small home where you want to live, outside of California. Give it a year, maybe two, and see if your hard lines in the sand wiggle a little. Your question, as any longtime reader knows, is one of the most asked about of any I get. Usually, the question arises early in a relationship, often before marriage or within the first couple years. What is different about your situation from most I hear about is the longevity of your relationship, and I would imagine that, after decades of marriage, if your foundation is not strong enough to withstand a year or two of living separately (with regular visits if you can manage) and your feelings for each other are not warm enough that you miss each other and feel more willing to find a compromise to be close again, then you will have a very clear answer about the future of your relationship and what the “right” path is for you. At the very least, you won’t feel trapped, you’ll gain a different perspective, and the distance — both literally and figuratively — should clear some of the confusion you’re currently feeling.
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I am intrigued by LW1, and hope we are provided an update at some point. LW, if you are reading the comments, I would love insight as to why you want so strongly to move now. You give absolutely no indication of that in your letter, and your wife’s reasons for wanting to stay are quite explicit (wanting to stay close to daughter and possibly grandchildren + other family).
Probably MAGA, sent over the edge by prop 50.
I suppose it doesn’t matter to the advice given, but I really wonder what the many important reasons LW1 had to move. I mean San Francisco is pretty expensive and he’s no longer working so I can understand if he’s feeling financial pressure, but he doesn’t really say that’s a reason other than his wife could retire earlier, which she apparently doesn’t want to do. And he doesn’t mention anything else hes tried or thought of to ease the financial pressure while living in California so I’m a bit skeptical that it’s a big enough problem to break up with his wife over. And it really seems pretty reasonable to want to stay in the same place you’ve lived for decades which is also near your daughter and grandchildren.
In any case Wendy’s advice sounds good. It doesn’t sound like he’s really that interested in staying married, but this way they can get people used to the idea and save face, because they “tried.” And, hey, you never know he may find that being alone isn’t so great after all.
But yeah, i have “many reasons” I have to leave the state, but canl even if it means leaving my wife and daughter after living there for many years, but I cant actually say what they are just seems strange.
I don’t think thats it cause she did offer to move up to 3 hrs away. He explicitly wants out of the state, my guess is it is politically motivated not financially driven.
This is my guess. I’d also bet those political differences are much more of an issue than where they end up living.
Wendy’s advice makes sense. I’m wondering if you’ve discussed your plans with your daughter. I ask because usually at this point in life, folks (parents or their kids) are moving closer together, typically for the eventual care of the parents or for proximity to grandkids. I say this as someone who expects to move closer to my parents in several years, as they continue to age. But they stayed within a couple of hours of my hometown, so I feel that the obligation is mine to move. If they moved across the country, I’d take that to mean that they felt confident that they could care for themselves considering the energy and expense it would require from me to do that.
I’m wondering if you could rent something across the country and stay in part time? My stepmom’s sister just retired and she spends a month at a time in Florida several times a year. I think she gets her fill of Florida without having to live there full time and leave her whole family.
This letter is strange. ‘Trapped’ in CA and living anywhere within the state will be unacceptable. CA is an awfully big state. If he has problems with neighbors or wants distance from ex co-workers, for some reason he is unwilling to explain, he can easily achieve that moving to daughter’s location. I’m going to take a wild guess that this is political — LW is an ardent Trump supporter who can’t stand to live in what he regards as an ultra-liberal state. If he is this hard assed about it, I suspect wife is secretly hoping he leaves.
His explanation is just super glib and super selfish. He is just retired. His wife is still working. That is ample reason to stay where her job is until she is retired, at least. But… the super glib ‘she can do her work anywhere’. But… perhaps she enjoys the people she works with, perhaps she has a great employer, perhaps seniority there has perks, perhaps at her age she isn’t eager to start fresh with a new employer, in new location, with a staff where she knows nobody. Those are all very reasonable concerns, which LW just brushes away.
CA is a big state but A LOT of it is very expensive with high costs of living. The entire Bay area is super expensive, even if you drive a ways from SF itself.
Yes CA is expensive, but they’ve managed it for decades and LW’s wife is still working. No mention that they can’t afford it. Unless he just got tired of working and selfishly retired on his own without adequate retirement income/savings and now needs to move to economize, I’m not buying that reason. It is kind of selfish and presumptuous that if he convinces wife to quit job and move, that she would then be the one to get another job to make the finances work.
I live in the Bay Area. While it can be significantly more expensive than the rest of the country, there are also lots of places that are more manageable and affordable the farther you get from San Francisco. I live in Oakland and my rent is no different than what I paid while living in an East Coast city. As for California’s politics, only the coasts are ultra-liberal. The Central Valley, for example, is incredibly conservative.
It’s hard for me to understand how LW’s many important reasons trump staying in CA near his wife, daughter, and grandchildren. Nothing in his letter suggests any conflict that cannot be solved through compromise. I wonder what his deeper reasons might be.
Yeah I’m guessing if they can afford to buy two places it’s not the money. It really would be a shame if this guy was so racist, and homophobic that he couldn’t live in CA anymore. That just isn’t a stable individual.
CA’s liberal politics was my suspicion too. His wording is almost exactly how my uber-conservative parents talk as they prepare to retire and leave the state.
That was my guess, too, especially since in the unedited version of his letter LW mentioned most wanting to move to the southeast.
Ron, this is 100% my take on this letter.
-From a fellow SF Bay Areac resident.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with that comment. Poor wife.
I don’t understand the LW either. If he had given some (or at least one) reason why he wanted to leave, it would be easier to give advice.
We moved 12 hrs from both of our entire families (mine and husband’s) 2.5 yrs ago. We have two daughters (17, 22). The youngest is a senior in HS and everyone is always asking if we will move back to the home state all the time. And honestly, it kind of depends on what my girls do. I want to stay close to them (within a few hours anyway). But it also depends on where my husband gets work. I’m sure the wife does want to stay close enough to visit regularly, especially if there are grandkids!
LW- I hear your pain. My husband is tired of CA too. And we have lived in the Bay Area for our entire lives and go back several generations here on both sides. To stay in CA, Sacramento is a great bet, up and coming, centrally located, many old beautiful parks and neighborhoods. Even the AAA Giants. If you leave and want to be close, Reno is the obvious next choice – similar to Sac. I like Wendy’s advice if you can swing it without getting whacked by the capital gains issue. Maybe roll the $$ over into a rental property you could live in for now and rent out later?
If you’re fortunate enough to have made money on your home, what’s wrong with paying capital gains taxes on that profit? No different than if you had made it in the stock market, and lower than if you had made it working a job! Plus, coming from the Bay Area, you will be able to buy a nicer place with the after tax proceeds just about anywhere else in the country or heck, the entire world except maybe London or NYC. Be glad you aren’t in your twenties and trying to get started there.
No, Reno is full. No thank you.
LW – Unless your wife is highly specialized with in-demand skills, you cannot guarantee she will easily find work elsewhere. Ageism is a real problem in the working world. If she is close to retirement age, many companies will be less interested hiring her since she might only be there a few years before leaving and they have to replace/train someone new.
Plus, losing her seniority would probably have a very negative affect on a lot of things, including pay, time off, job security, etc.
This is a great point about the wife’s job. Especially in today’s market, she will have a difficult time finding another position if she moves. I got a sense that the LW is completely ignoring this fact.
LW – I suggest looking into the Reno / Tahoe / Carson City areas. I live in this area and find it very easy to take day / weekend trips to SF all the time. The cost of living is much lower and the mind set is a bit more conservative than in CA. There are tons of new apartments being built mostly in Reno. I agree with Wendy to try to find an apartment. Maybe one that would do a month to month lease. You could see how it works for you and your wife and then commit to your living situation then.
We don’t need more Californians driving up rental costs in Reno and then complaining about Nevada not being California. If they want out of California, they can go to Tahoe.
LW – This sounds like my parents a little bit. We moved my whole life and my parents always talked about moving to South Carolina or Naples Florida when they retired. But my siblings landed in the north east and we now all are married with children. My mom does not want to leave the grandkids and the aging parents far away from their children is a real burden down the road.
So here is what my parents do. They downsized their home here and are renting snow bird homes for the time being. They didn’t want the upkeep of two homes and like the flexibility of traveling to different locations. Until you know exactly where you want to go, I think it is a great option to test out places and test out communities before you commit.
One other thought. My parents have friends that have moved 3 times since retiring. They thought they knew what they wanted but got there and realized it wasn’t for them. By renting for long periods, you can see if you really want to live in “The Villages” or you would rather be in a more remote place. Without knowing you, I can say you clearly have an itch and are feeling confined. Find a way to scratch it without blowing up your whole life.
Haha! The Villages is my worst nightmare!
OK so you have numerous reasons for wanting to leave CA…but you can’t tell us? I feel oftentimes when men don’t want to list out their reasons for something it’s because they are complete bullshit and they know it. If you are near retirement age, I think you are vastly overestimating your wife’s ability to get another job. (Age discrimination???) Even if she is self employed, its not so easy to just up and move a business. I like Wendy’s suggestion, but one thing is missing here, which is if you waited until she retires, you could live in one place part of the year, and another a part of the year, without the need for two households. This is totally a thing, (ever hear of snowbirds?), and I think a pretty good compromise. You could stay in CA this time of year, for the holidays, and then spend the rest of the year in another state, or country even. The options are endless really, but it sort of sounds like you are looking for an easy way out of this marriage. In addition, there is no rule you can’t go on vacation yourself, if you are that tired of CA, and retired, why not just go and see if being somewhere is really what is keeping you from being happy. Less expensive than a divorce I bet.
I anticipate the daughter writing to Dear Wendy asking “Am I wrong to feel more connected to my stepmother than to my father, who insisted on moving out of state and breaking up his marriage?”
My parents retired to Florida and my husband had his own business in the northeast in my hometown. We traveled to Florida for holidays/vacations but when my mother needed care, I got a job in Florida -she refused to move back to hometown. My husband and I had commuted to each other for 20 years, and I retired back to my hometown with my husband. It can be done if folks want to stay married.
I am also inclined to think it’s the politics… or the diversity… because if they can afford it, the Bay area is pretty much the most amazing part of our country!
While I feel pretty judgmental about this guy, I must admit, as a progressive, I can’t wait until my spouse retires and we can move from the southeast (hopefully to California!). We’ve been stuck here for the past 6 years and the Bible Belt conservative Trumpism pushes me over the edge. And the weather is awful in the summer and not great enough in the winter to make up for the downsides.
While we don’t want more Californians in Reno, you can move to Income Village on Lake Tahoe and everyone will be happy – your wife will be 3 hours from your daughter, you’ll be out of California, and we won’t be getting any more Californians in Reno.