“My Friends Think My Boyfriend Has a Secret Family”
He’s Korean and I feel that he’s ashamed of me because I’m white – he also fibbed about his real name (he was “ashamed” to tell me his Korean name). Everybody says he’s cheating or has a wife and kids, but I don’t want to believe it because he treats me better than how my ex-boyfriend treated me. I’m stuck in a weird spot and I’m scared to say goodbye to him because he has been so great to me other than the not seeing his apartment aspect.
What should I do? I know you can’t tell me directly; I just want to know thoughts on this. My friends all give me the same advice – dump him! But that’s much easier said than done. When I tried to break up with him, all I did was cry for weeks and lose my appetite. I guess my question is, how can I help him trust me? Is this even a trust issue? — Feeling Pathetic
What do you mean I can’t tell you what you should do? Of course I can. Move On Already! What I can’t do, unfortunately, is force you to take that advice, which is sad because I know you know I’m right. You know your friends are right. You know in your gut there’s something majorly off about this guy. Two years together and you’ve never seen his apartment?! He doesn’t want you to know where he lives because he’s afraid you’ll STALK him?! Who says that to a significant other? Who thinks that about a significant other? Worry that your girlfriend will think you’re a slob. Worry that she’ll make fun of your empty refrigerator. Worry that she’ll tease you about your decor. But worry about her stalking you? That’s not normal.
You know your relationship isn’t healthy. And you know you should MOA, but you probably won’t. Why? Because you know it’s going to hurt and you can’t stand the idea of creating your own pain. But, guess what. You’re already creating your own pain. By staying with someone you know isn’t honest about who he is, you’re creating your own kind of hell. By staying with someone who at best worries about you stalking him, and more realistically, worries that you’ll ruin his marriage, you’re creating your own pain. You’re telling yourself you don’t deserve any better. You’re telling yourself you don’t deserve a genuine relationship with a man who wants to share his life with you.
Your boyfriend doesn’t even want to share his address with you. Think about that.
And if you still want to stay with him, the only thing I have to say is: good luck, babe.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I’m a little speechless, LW. It’s almost irrelevent if he’s married or not…he won’t share where he lives with you and it’s been over TWO YEARS?!?! Whatever he’s hiding, he’s made it clear that you only get a FRACTION of his life, and its been like that for 2 years. Wendy’s right, you are now creating your own pain, and only you can provide the relief by MOA. Yes, breakups suck, but spinning your wheels in this relationship and waking up years from now realizing how much time you wasted with this guy will be much MUCH worse…
I think Wendy nailed this one.
The only reason he won’t let you come over is because he is hiding something. If it was just clutter he could clean it up and most roommates would at least be polite if he had you drop by so that he could introduce you. There is a huge difference between meeting his roommates at their apartment (have you ever met them at all?) and being a nuisance in their apartment. He’s hiding something major that he knows is a dealbreaker so trust that he knows a dealbreaker when he’s living it and MOA.
I think this is a classic example of when people really do know what going on, but choose to look the other way. Like Wendy said, never having seen his apartment after years of dating is beyond odd, it’s unacceptable. It screams, “I’m hiding my wife and kids”. When his wife found out, which she most probably will, you couldn’t actually look her in the eye and say, ” Sorry, I didn’t know.” Because really, honestly, deep down inside you know. You know something is wrong. Move on to someone who is willing to make you a part of their entire life, apartment included. Yes.. you’ll be sad, but as my grandma used to say, you weren’t born in love with this person, so you’ll get over it in time. Good luck.
I think Wendy nailed it, but I have to add, what the hell is wrong with this guy if he continues to date you if he thinks you could potentially stalk him? Maybe it’s just me, but everytime I’ve been confronted with a person who has the creepy aura of a potential stalker, I do everything I can to push them out of my life, not, you know, date them. If that’s his reason, HE is the screwed up one, not you, and run away!
Okay, I thought this was a few months and then I read the letter again. Break up with him! Two years?!
First I’d demand to see his apartment to see how much he squirms about it.
Just because he treats you better than your ex doesn’t mean he treats you good. It means you’ve had the unfortunate occurrence of dating two guys that aren’t right for you. Most of us can share in that experience. Like Wendy said, move on already!!! The next guy has potential to treat you a million times better than your ex and current combined! The pain of break ups is very really and it happen. Get yourself a therapist that can help you through it and you’ll come out of it just fine.
Don’t settle.
Wendy said it all…besides, you say he “treats you better than your ex-boyfriend treated you.” I think you should make this guy another ex-boyfriend, so you can think the same thing when you are with someone BETTER – “Wow, this guy cares about me AND lets me into his home. That’s much better than my ex-boyfriend!”
You need to set the bar higher!
Sometimes letters like this just leave me staring at my computer screen in awe of the things I have just read.
Seriously
Dear Women of the Universe,
“He’s perfect except for he cheated on me. Twice. With my friend.” “He’s better than my ex.” “He’s better than being single.” “He’s really great when he’s not lying to me.” ” He’s really great except he lives with his girlfriend.” “With his wife. And their three kids. And a labradoodle.” “He’s really great except his “ex” is expecting their second child.”
None of these men are really great. None of these men are perfect for you. Better than your ex is not good. Better than being alone is not acceptable. Raise your standards. You deserve a man who can be your partner in a relationship, who will treat you well and meet your needs. And who will love you. And make it clear that he loves you. By wanting to show you off to his friends, to family, to his apartment (?!?). By not being married. By treating you well, and by being really damn sorry when he screws up. And by actively working to make things right.
And if you don’t have someone in your life who meets your standards, that’s okay too. It’s okay to be single, to grow as an individual and learn to love yourself. It’s also okay to not want to be single, to feel lonely sometimes. But its not okay to date this guy. Or that asshole. Or the married dude.
Dump him. Listen to angry girl music. Eat Ben and Jerry’s. The whole pint, in one sitting, from the container, we won’t judge. Then go find men other than the ones you are currently dating. These dudes are not working out for you.
Love,
Morgan
Maybe the boyfriend lives with his parents and is too ashamed to tell her. Has she met his family? As an Asian myself, the culture generally accepts children living with their parents for many many years after university. My fiance’s older brother who is 30 still lives in his parents basement by choice.
*flabbergasted*
Koreans are generally not accepting of outsiders, as compared to many other Asian cultures. It’s very possible he still lives at home, and is unwilling to confront his parents over his “foreign” girlfriend.
da nile is more than just a river in egypt.
(that saying works so much better in speech than text….)
Did you just hear that? Yeah it was my head hitting my desk.
LW – you do not want advice. You have been giving it from multiple corners and even though you admit it is correct, you have chosen to ignore it. You are ignoring it, because you continue to wait around for someone to say what you want to hear. You want to friends and this community of strangers to say “Oh don’t worry about his behavior, I am sure it is just a cultural difference and that everything will work out for you to live happily ever after.” I can just say that no matter what is happening in his mind or life (be it embarrassment over your ethnicity or because you are his piece on the side) it doesn’t matter because NOTHING is going to change! You are going to continue being miserable until he dumps you.
There’s a reason why you *feel* pathetic.
If you need to have the truth plain as day in your face, hire a Private Investigator to find out the story. Maybe confirmation of his crappiness will give you the strength you need. You had to know that by writing to Wendy (and us) that we’d give you tough love. Woman, take charge of your damn life and MOA!!
Pretty sure he didn’t tell you his real name because if you knew it, you could goole it and find his marraige announcement!!! MOA!!!!
He obviously has a wife. He lied about his NAME for crying out loud. 2 years and you’ve never been to his apartment screams of double-life. I’m sure she’s never met any of his friends or family either, as indicated by her saying he’s met hers. This guy very obviously has a wife.
I feel sorry for this letter writer. Clearly she has such low self-esteem she doesn’t think she deserves a real relationship. What kind of person would use the excuse,”I can’t tell you where I live because I’m afraid you might stalk me someday?” That is beyond weird. Nevermind the, “I can’t tell you my real name because I’m ashamed that it’s Korean.” I hope she gets therapy and some self-confidence. She more or less admits she isn’t strong enough to leave him even though she knows she should.
LW, you don’t need us to tell you what to do. You know what you need to do. Summon your inner strength and do it. I assure you, you do have more power over your life and your decisions than you feel right now.
There should be a way to be able to reach through the computer and shake some sense into this LW, then give her a big hug and walk her to the nearest therapist.
One of the worst thing someone can do in a relationship is waste your time; one of the worst things you can do is let them. You are now complicit in whatever deception he is perpetuating since you allow it knowingly. For two years of your life. Two YEARS! The eighty year old version of yourself would kick your ass for it – and you would have to take it. We all are granted a finite amount of time. I can’t believe you would squander yours in this way. If you don’t demand better for yourself – exactly who do you think will?
LW, I think you need to add one more word to your vocabulary: reciprocation. He saw your apartment, it’s only fair that he reciprocates by letting you see his. He’s met your family, it’s only fair that you meet his (if they’re geographically close, but even then, after two years, it should have happened). I’m just wondering because I couldn’t understand from the letter – do you know his real name now? Do you even have his phone number? Or all communication is initiated by him? (I’m only asking because I knew a guy like that).
Reciprocation doesn’t exactly mean keeping score. But after two years in which he hasn’t reciprocated, the scale is pretty tilted. He obviously trusts you way less than you trust him.
How come you showed him where you live without fearing he might be a stalker? What were you thinking? *sarcasm* – I’m just using his line of thinking.
I think that he’s had plenty of chances in the past two years to see that you’re a trustworthy person. If he can’t see, he’s blind and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Or, maybe he didn’t want to date you seriously from the beginning, and wanted to see how long you can put up with this shit.
LW, before you move on, you have to have a very open and honest discussion with him, and you have to find out why he doesn’t trust you. If he still won’t tell you, that’s your sign right there that you have to move on. If his explanations make a lot of sense (although, honestly, I can’t come up with any examples of extenuating circumstances) – yeah, I don’t see this happening.
Have you ever brought up the topic of moving in together? Bring it up casually, in a hypothetical scenario, see what he says.
Good luck, LW
There is nothing I can really say about this that hasn’t already been said by the other insightful commenters, so I’m just gonna go ahead and use two of my favorite phrases to describe my reaction to this letter, “Yikes. WTF?”
Good gravy in a nutshell LW! You say you feel pathetic. Well, you’re feeling like you are. Pathetic. You’ve been given a ton of advice from friends/family, and you CHOSE to ignore it. You could have taken that very good advice at any time and you CHOSE not to. You are blind, my dear. Absolutely blind. Willingly blind. Why? Is the sex really that good? Does he shower you with jewels from the oceans? Take you on fabulous vacations? Treat you like a princess (or concubine)? No. Then honestly, it’s time to get with the program.
He’s hiding something, and that something is his real life, and ultimately YOU. You don’t know any of his friends because his friends know his wife.
My question for you is this: Do you respect yourself? Honestly? If you do, then you will walk away from this partial relationship in order to give yourself a chance at a REAL relationship and a real life. Right now, your life is on hold all because you claim you can’t walk away from a guy who won’t let you into his real life. As they say… “these boots were made for walkin’…”
When (not if) you break up with him, instead of feeling miserable that you lost him, focus your hurt on the ways he’s treated you during your relationship. He’s lied about basic personal information, been deceptive about where he lives, evaded innocent questions… you deserve better than that! Turn your pain into indignation and use that to get over him during the hard parts.
I don’t even want to think about what your ex-boyfriend was like if this is an improvement. Please believe me that you can find someone who actually treats you right, welcomes you into his home, and is proud to introduce you to his family. And the sooner you break up with this guy, the sooner you’ll find that great one.
I love it when Wendy brings on the tough love.
LW, I know some of these comments sound kinda harsh. But I think everyone wants you to understand that you deserve better. We’re just hoping you’ll defy Wendy’s prediction, break up with this guy, and set higher standards in your future relationships.
Good lord woman. Forget about your boyfriend not being able to take you to his apartment and your address after two years of dating. How about the fact that he hasn’t given you his Korean name, because he is ashamed of it. Think about that – you didn’t even know this guy’s legal name until you managed to get it out of him indirectly.
I don’t care if he’s the best boyfriend you’ve ever had. Some time in the past two years, he has to give you at least something to demonstrate a level of trust that he’s in it for the long haul and is considering a lifetime commitment with you. Have you met his parents? Do you know his address? How about his FULL legal name. If you don’t have that, you can’t be assured of a commitment with him.
No wonder you’re feeling pathetic – you are certainly acting it. DTMFA.
You know when I first say my boyfriends apartment? Oh lets see the third date.
Hope it’s just a wife and kids and not severed heads in the refrigerator. Just saying it could be worse.
Being Korean, I can tell you that there are probably cultural things going on here that are a lot more likely than him having a secret family, but that’s still not good news for you. Him not telling you his “real” name is pretty minor since he probably considers his American name to be just as real. The fact that he’s embarrassed of his Korean name tells me that he probably hasn’t come to terms with his Korean/Asian-American identity. The fact that he compartmentalizes you may be because he is either trying to keep you a secret from his family ( he may live at home, or with a cousin/brother, or dating a white girl is a way to rebel against his Korean identity/family. If it’s the latter, run away. He’s not emotionally mature enough for a real relationship. If it’s the former, run away. You’re either a placeholder until he meets somebody his family would approve of, or he’ll marry you in an act of rebellion. This isn’t the happy ending you think it will be because somebody who has to hide you from family will not be making an emotionally mature decision. Instead, you’ll be stuck with a man-child for a husband, with in-laws who will make your life miserable. Strong, emotionally healthy people who choose to make life decisions that goes against their family’s desires live much more transparent lives, and they don’t hesitate to stand up to their family for the sake of their partner. Your boyfriend may be great, but he’s not there yet, and staying with him will only result in heartache for you, whether he leaves you for who his family wants, or he stays with you in shame.
He is living with his parents, who don’t approve of non-Korean girls in the family – this seems like the most likely scenario.
Not a fight you can win if he’s not 100% there with you to fight it.
I’m so sorry. This is not your fault. People should not lie. Try, if you can, to glide away from this, taking all the good stuff with you; and leaving the bad. He must be pretty special if you have been putting up with this shit- believe me, there are people out there; and you will find one, who are just as special and will actually let you into their lives. He’s already dirtied his ticket- tell him to get off now.And good luck with the rest of your journey-but don’t even think about taking this guy with you.This is not fair, you didn’t ask for it or deserve it,but do yourself a favour and stop before this hurts you more.
Newsflash, you aren’t feeling pathetic. You are BEING pathetic! And deep down, you know this to be true — that’s why YOU wrote into Dear Wendy…
Look, clearly something is up. Maybe he IS married. Maybe he IS embarrassed that You aren’t Korean. Maybe he is secretly gay and secretly married to Tom Cruise… There are a million maybes. But at the end of the day, it’s all the same.
He just isn’t THAT into You. He just isn’t really truly there for You. And deep down, You know that You deserve better. So do something about it. Say goodbye. MOA!!!
LW,why the hell are you with a guy who won’t give you his home address because he’s afraid you’ll stalk him?! WTf?!?! This wouldn’t be normal behavior for two people who are just friends and sure as hell isn’t normal for two people in a relationship.
Who knows why he won’t give you his address.Who cares?Maybe his “roommates” are his parents or wife and kids.Maybe he’s a drug dealer.Maybe he really is paranoid and is worried you’ll stalk him (in which case he’s nuts anyway for staying with a girl who he thinks would stalk him…grounds for breaking up with him anyway).Maybe he’s a CIA agent.The point is,you’ve been with him two years and he doesn’t trust you enough with basics.Dump him!
I can understand him feeling embarrasssed about his Korean name and could understand if he preferred you to use his American name.But you should at least KNOW his Korean name.
You KNOW this isn’t normal behavior for your boyfriend(and I use that term VERY loosely in your case).All your friends have told you to move on.Everyone here is telling you to move on.Just because he treats you “better” than your ex(what is “better”?) doesn’t mean he treats you well.And a guy who will not let you into his life is not the guy for you.
My money is on him living with his parents who would never accept him seeing a white woman. Reality is that most cultures are as racist or not more so than your worst red neck.
People who I won’t invite home or disclose my address to because I am afraid they may stalk me: the homeless guy outside my law school who begs me for cigarettes and change every day, the guy I dated in 8th grade who called me and left messages telling me he was going to open his wrists if I didn’t call him back in seven minutes (… my mom got them, I was in the shower …), people I meet at work (I clerk for the public defender’s office), etc.
People I will invite home and/or disclosure my address to because I have invited them into my life by sharing with them my emotions and vagina: my significant other.
See the dichotomy, LW?
Follow him home and find out what’s up. It won’t matter that this messes up your relationship anyway because you’re going to need to get out of this regardless.
I’ve worked with many Koreans over the years, here in New Jersey. Does the Korean boyfriend go to Korea for a month-long vacation every year? Then the family is shopping for a bride. That means he will never never never marry you. I’ve seen it happen so many times, and the American girlfriend is shocked when the guy breaks up with her 6 months after the vacation because he’s getting married to his Korean bride, who he’s met only once.
Obviously if he’s married he’s a creep, but I actually think the disapproving and overbearing parents/family explanation is very plausible. From the description (and his excuses) it does not sound as if he’s a very smooth operator. I doubt that he’s playing multiple women, because you have to be a way better liar than he is to pull that off for any length of time.
But if he does live with family (might be siblings or cousins who would tell the older generation – he might not live in mommy’s basement), and if he lacks the courage to stand up to their disapproval of him dating a white woman, then the relationship has no future.
If he keeps insisting on his excuses when she tells him she knows he’s lying, then there’s nothing to do except break up. And if he does come clean and either he is married and/or he is unwilling to stand up for himself and her to his family, then same thing.
I think I have the definitive answer:
I know this is going to be hard for people to understand, but immigrants put a lot of pressure on their children to marry within their culture. I wouldn’t be surprised if the reason he doesn’t bring her around is because he knows he probably is getting a lot of flack from his loved ones for seeing an “American”. Depending on the age, parents can exert a lot of pressure creating lack of comfort on his part in bringing her around. Trust me, it is very likely this guy is suffering from a lot of anxiety from the prospect.
Another thing people should understand is that many foreign cultures are not so loosey goosey with dating as Western society. Many of these cultures typically discourage bringing a boy from bringing female friends around until you are serious about marrying them.
Bottom line is to do what you have to do, but applying American norms to this situation is probably the wrong thing to do. If you really like this person, stick it out. They will eventually come to accept you.
He’s never going to marry you. It doesn’t matter what the reason is. Several plausible explanations have been given above but basically it boils down to the fact that he is using you and you are letting him. You are just procrastinating. You’re screwed either way. Pain now or pain later. Living a lie seems to be enough of a life for you.
I guess I’m bad but I didn’t read through the millions of comments, just a half million or so. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO WOULD FOLLOW THIS PERSON A FEW DAYS? Screw stalking, I’m just too curious to want to know what the heck was going on. When you get a gut feeling it’s usually right. Who knows what’s going on but I couldn’t let a mystery like that leave without finding out who I’d been doing the last 2 years.
I’m a Korean-American guy, and I read this differently. Does he live with his parents, and maybe he’s ashamed of that? Or perhaps he lives in a crappy place and is embarrassed to show you?
2 years is incredibly odd, but I also think that women have great intuition and you should already know the answer?
Btw, I don’t really believe in cultural stereotypes – my family is incredibly status conscious and conservative, but I married a Latin woman. I think family pressure is much less an issue these days in a globalizing world and a world where, frankly, the U.S. is losing a lot of eminence vis a vis the RoW.
Hire a Private Investigator to get his address and go there.