“I’m Afraid My Boyfriend’s Going to Propose Soon”
Now, barring all of the stupid boy competitions going on here, I really think he was somewhat serious about getting married fairly soon. We have talked about getting married before, we both want to, but we just have never put a real date to it, and he hasn’t asked me yet. To me, marriage is this far off fairytale. It’s this sort of daydream that I think about, but have never thought of what will happen if it ever actually comes up — if I ever have to actually pick a date…wear a ring on my finger, etc. I just sat there, after he said that, and was speechless. So my question is: After you’ve found the guy, how do you know when you are ready to get married? I know that I want to marry this guy, but I am right now feeling a little panicked that this might actually happen. (In a year and a half, no less!) — Not Quite Ready for the Aisle
If you feel like you aren’t ready for marriage yet and your boyfriend’s comment freaked you out, then you really need to have a discussion with him about your ideal time-frame and make sure you two are on the same page — or, at the very least, aware of what book you’re each reading, you know?
Marriage is a big commitment, and that can feel scary, but if you know in your heart you’re with the right person and you know you want to marry him one day, don’t worry too much about feeling scared or freaked out about making it real. Talking all this over with your boyfriend will help some, but these feelings of, “Oh my God! I’m really doing this!” may not go away until weeks — maybe even months — after you tie the knot. And that’s fine. As long as you let your boyfriend know that your feelings are only because you take your love for him and your commitment to marriage so seriously, and not because you doubt your choice, you and he will be fine. But … on the flip side, if your feelings are because you do doubt your choice, then, obviously, you need to be truthful about that first to yourself and then to him before you agree to marriage. Listen to your heart; it probably won’t lead you astray.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I’m with Wendy. The idea of marriage, even to the right person, was terrifying. And I think that’s a good thing; a sign that you’re taking it seriously. By my estimate you’re 22 or 23, so really there’s no rush to get engaged or married.
12-12-12 would definitely be a mistake. Not only is it a Wednesday, its also two weeks before Christmas. Talk about a stress NIGHTMARE!
Seriously, though. Wendy is right. Its o.k. to know that you want to marry someone in the future but aren’t ready to get married just yet. Just sit down and talk to him about it – who knows, maybe he feels the same way and was just joking in the name of brotherly competition.
I totally relate, LW! I am head-over-heels, Beyonce-level “Crazy in Love” with my boyfriend, but the idea of him actually proposing at this point makes me a little queasy. He’s 27 and 3 years older than me, so he’s quite open about his desire to get married by 30. I can definitely imagine our wedding, and sometimes I even catch myself getting fixated on other girls’ engagement rings on the train. But the thought of seriously committing this early in my 20’s scares the *bejeezus* out of me!
Once the year mark passed, I made sure to sit him down and run defense on the situation. I clearly let him know that as much as I could imagine getting married to him, that the time was not right, and if he asked I wouldn’t have an answer for him. We happily agreed to “let things be” for a while, and we both are aware that we can’t get engaged until we are both on the same page.
Too bad there’s no 13-13-2013, otherwise you could totally get married then! (or maybe 11-12-2013? Tell his brother to suck on that!) ;P
Do tell him. And do it nicely. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.
It sounds like if you wait too long, he might propose too soon, and you’d have to say no (or yes, and not have your heart all the way in it). That’s something you definitely don’t want.
I have the same feelings. But have even less commitment than you! Regarding that I don’t live with my boyfriend. I know I want to get married, I know I love my boyfriend & want to be with him, but it terrifies me to think of getting married anytime in the forseeable future! Luckily enough, he’s on the same page as I am, but we know this because we’ve discussed it.
So take Wendy’s advice…talk to him! If you already know deep down he’s “the one” then you’ll be fine.
Hahahha, I just had to comment on this- My birthday is December 12th, and just so you know, Wendy’s right, it’s a TERRIBLE time for a celebration! It’s super stressful to try and plan any non-holiday related get together during that time.
I am thinking that more needs to be said about this competition issue. I would make it clear to the boyfirend that you do not want to always wonder if he married you just to one up his brother, and that if he wants to talk marriage, you are willing but only on a different day than 12/12 and in no way have it tied to the borther’s wedding.
I can relate as well. I wanted to get engaged to my now fiance so badly. I couldn’t wait to get engaged. We went and looked at settings for my heirloom diamond and I was so excited. Then my mom (who was the holder of said diamond) accidentally let it slip that he had come to get the diamond. And I freaked out a little bit. I started thinking about how long forever was. And started thinking all of the what ifs. After some thinking and some advice from Wendy, I realized that she was right, and nothing in the world is for sure. By the time my fiance actually proposed, I was feeling much better, and we are getting married in August. I still have moments where I realize how huge of a decision it is, like once the invitations were printed, and there was no going back. (Although a friend kindly assured me there is going back until you drop them in the mailbox and can’t pull them back out.) But now I know I don’t want to go back. I was also comforted knowing my super analytical dad was the same way before my parents got married, always asking my mom if they were doing the right thing. They’ve been married almost 30 years now. Its totally natural to feel a little nervous, so don’t beat yourself up over it and give yourself time to feel ready!
One of the keys to a relationship is communication. Tell him how you feel.. talk it out together.
My fiance and I knew we would be engaged someday but we did not rush it and let it all fall into place. When he proposed I was ready for it, but we had talked about it many many times before.
Right now, just live in the moment and soak up each moment. Have peace that you believe you have found the one.
Best Wishes & keep us up to date!
I think that part of this is that you’re still relatively young to get married for a college grad and that you moved in together right after graduation. That small independent period between adulthood and moving in with someone can really help to get your life priorities in order, and missing that discovery period might be causing some anxiety here. I’m not saying that you should move out just to ‘find yourself’, but it could explain your apprehension.
Having that said, a bit of marriage panic is pretty normal. We all go through it to some degree. Also, I wouldn’t entirely brush off this whole ‘competition with his brother’ thing. Make sure that he’s doing this for you and not his ego.
Whenever I read letters on Dear Wendy, the first thought I have is, what would I do in that situation. I honestly just freaked myself out a bit too thinking about my boyfriend (of only 5 months no less) proposed to me. I’m 25 and I think I found a good, no scratch that, AWESOME one, but I’m just not ready to be married yet.
I don’t think that says anything of you not wanting to be with him, but honestly, if you feel like you’ve found the one, then waiting for the “right’ time to settle down will honestly be just a drop in the bucket.
I wonder what it is like to be young and think of marriage like a far off fairy tale. I have a hard time understanding how people give all of themselves to a person and act like they are already married when in fact they aren’t….it’s so confusing to me. Marriage (to me) is a life changing experience because you are now going to live with each other and begin your life with each other together. If you already began your life with that person then what are you so afraid of? I’m so confused!
You sound like you’re just not ready for marriage yet and that’s fine. I think you’ll know you’re ready when you go from thinking about it as having to pick a date to getting to pick a date and from the idea of having to wear a ring on your finger to getting to wear a ring on your finger. The words you use to think about engagement and marriage say alot about your readiness.
If he asks you to marry him before you’re ready you can tell him you love him and would love to marry him sometime but you’re not ready to be engaged yet. You can tell him that you think he’s the “one” but you’re not yet ready for marriage. If this relationship is “the one” it will wait until you’re ready and it will be strong and beautiful. In the meantime you can tell him how you feel about marriage and your relationship.
I agree with all of the comments being made about how making a lifelong commitment can be really intimidating! However I have to wonder if the responses would be the same if the roles were reversed and the LW was writing in to express her concerns that her live-in boyfriend isn’t quite ready for marriage yet. I recall at least one or two DW letters in the past where comments have come down pretty hard against boyfriends not being ready to make that commitment, i.e. comments about how getting married should be the easiest decision ever and not being totally ready if you’re already serious and living together means it will likely never happen. I know the details of each situation are unique, but am I the only one who thinks there is at least *somewhat* of a discrepancy in these reactions? I totally understand the LW’s perspective here – just wanted to point this out!
If the reason he wants to be married so badly is not because he is all-encompassingly in love with you, but because he is competing with his brother, absolutely DO NOT marry him (at least not yet).
I don’t think I could marry someone I didn’t live with first. There are so many things you go through as a couple that you would never have to deal with if you lived apart (finances, chores, little annoying nuances that come with having a roommate, etc). That being said, I also think it’s necessary to communicate about a marriage timeline if you have successfully lived together for awhile. What do you want accomplished before you get engaged? Is it a career? A certain amount of money saved up? Maybe thinking about your goals and discussing them with your boyfriend will help take away some of that anxiety.
This one is right up my alley! I agree with Wendy… you never feel 100% ready to commit yourself to someone. Even if you are madly in love, your subconscious drives you crazy with doubt and worry. It is even worse once the process is underway and dates have been set and invitations sent. The added pressure just makes you scream “AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING!?!?!?!”
Here is how I finally got my logical male mind to rationalize it… and I have been offering this advice for decades to help others through it. It’s a simple reversal:
Instead of asking myself, “Can I live with this person for the rest of my life?”, I asked myself, “Can I imagine my life without this person in it.” That was all I needed to be able to stand at the altar and make the life vow. A “couple decades and some change” later, I STILL cannot imagine living my life without my wife.
Hope this helps you through the jitters!
I love your advice and have been following this page for a couple of years, but oh… it’s all – my boyfriend this, or my potential boyfriend that, career or boyfriend, family or boyfriend, my boyfriend is gaslighting me, my boyfriend won’t let me go on holiday, my boyfriend expects me to pay more rent. Yadada.
Girls! There is more to life than some drippy guy. You are not defined by your relationship status. Finding ‘the one’ often happens when you aren’t even looking and my god, if they disrespect you in any way, even once, they aren’t the one.
Also, if you’ve been dating since you were 16-20 consider your choices. I look back at my choices then and cringe. People grow and change. It’s part of the human condition.
Know yourself, mature and grow, before choosing your lifetime partner.