“I’m Beginning to Feel Like My Boyfriend’s Mother”
In the last few months, I feel like our relationship has begun falling apart. He quit his job back in July to pursue a business, and the added financial and career-related stresses are not helping. I am trying to be as supportive as I can, but over the last couple months I’ve noticed increasing co-dependency and selfishness on his part. For example, he will ask me to get him something or lend him a hand when he is perfectly capable of executing said task on his own. Yesterday he called out to me from another room to get the razor he left on the counter while in the shower, a literal arms-reach away.
From a selfishness perspective, he cannot seem to help me out without direction. And when I do give direction, he only half listens. He also seems to fail at taking initiative to help me. For example, a couple weeks ago we were leaving for Christmas out of town (driving) and several things needed to be done. I asked him to get dog food for our sitter and he failed to do so, happy to let me figure out what to do as we had to hit the road and didn’t have food to leave our dog. He sat on the couch while I packed the car. Then, at our first stop on the road as we were getting ready for bed, I asked him to help my daughter get the pullout bed out while I brushed my teeth. I came back into the room to find my daughter lying on the bare mattress with just a pillow while he was lying in bed playing on his phone. He got pissy when I asked why he didn’t grab the linens and at least give them to her!
I’m frustrated and feel that, without help from him, I am like the train conductor of our life – or, even worse, his mother! I don’t know what to do. — Not His Mother
Well, the obvious reply is: Have you discussed with him how you’re feeling? If you have, what is his response? Does he say one thing and do another? Did he talk to you about quitting his job and “pursuing a business” or did he just do it without consulting you? It seems fishy that mere months after moving in with you — and, I assume, merging finances, or at least, merging household expenses — he took an enormous step like quitting a job to pursue a business — a step that he must have known would put some financial, if not emotional, strain on him (and, by extension, you).
Did he think moving in with you allowed him some financial freedom he didn’t have previously to quit his job? Did he talk to you about it? Are you feeling resentful about this step he took? Because I sure would be if it weren’t something I was really onboard with. Moving in with a partner — especially one who has a child who lives with her fifty percent of the time — is enough of a transition without adding such a big one on top of that so soon. It sounds like he hadn’t yet adjusted to the demands of parenthood and that perhaps the two of you — well, three of you, really — hadn’t yet figured out what his role would be as a father-figure in the home, as evidenced by his total disregard toward your daughter in the examples you used.
If you haven’t already, you need to be really clear about what role you see him playing in your household. How much help do you want with your daughter? What sorts of tasks do you expect him to take on in regards to raising her? What financial role do you expect/need/want him to play? How long are you ok with his business pursuit being a financial strain on him/ you/ the household? Really, these are all questions that should have been discussed extensively before you moved in together. With a child involved, there should have been total clarity about expectations and roles. Maybe there were and what you are describing is fairly new behavior. Maybe your boyfriend is depressed. Maybe the business venture is not going as planned and he’s worried. Maybe the way you think you’ve been supporting him isn’t the kind of support he needs.
Clearly, he is not supporting you in the way you need. You have to communicate this to him, stat. The two of you need to get on the same page immediately — like within a couple of months — or I think you need to call this cohabitation experiment finished and move on. As a mom, you don’t get the luxury of figuring things out at your leisure. Your daughter deserves a home where she is emotionally, physically, and financially supported, where she feels safe and cared for, and where roles are clearly defined and respected and relationships are not on trial. That does not sound like your home currently as you describe it.
If you feel like you’re mothering your boyfriend, that needs to change ASAP, and you need to focus on the child whom you are an actual mother to. She deserves better than this, and I think you do, too.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Sweetie you ready have someone who needs your help, attention and finances and that’s your daughter! Please do not let her see you accepting this type of bullshit from anyone, but particularly someone who is supposed to be a loving partner.
WWS but i just want to add, if he’s genuinely depressed you are not responsible for helping him out of it. He is. And if his depression is hurting you and/or your daughter (and that includes not being responsible around the house) then you should leave him for your daughter’s sake if not for your own. This is not a good relationship role model for your daughter. I’m guessing you only tolerate this guy as much as you do because your ex was even less responsible. You’re not married, you don’t have any responsibility to try to make this work. I’m sure he knows, he just doesn’t care.