“I’m Engaged But I’m Not Ready to Be Monogamous”
When we first got together, we had an open relationship. He wasn’t particularly interested in dating or sleeping around, but I had just gotten out of long relationship and I really just wanted to see what was out there. I quickly fell in love with him, but I wanted to feel single, and I was honest about that. I had a history of cheating, and wondering what else was out there and I was determined to find out. Around eight or nine months in, I decided I was ready to fully commit to him, and I told him that I was ready to be monogamous.
Well, here I am three months out from a wedding to this wonderful man, and I’m wondering if that’s actually true. I meant it completely when I said it, but I’m not certain I’ll actually be able to keep it up. I want my soon-to-be husband to have all my heart and soul, but I also want the freedom to pursue and satisfy my sexual curiosity when I meet someone I’m attracted to. I don’t know if this desire is out of line or selfish, but it’s the conclusion I’ve come to. I guess my question is, how do I ask for this? Is this something I should pursue at all, or should I just let this go and be satisfied that I get to marry the love of my life? Is there any way for me to suggest this without breaking my darling man’s heart? Is there any good time for this talk, or is pretty much any time equally bad?
I’ve had one person say that this conversation needs to happen before the wedding, sooner rather than later. Another has said that me wanting to sleep with other people is the last thing my fiance needs to be thinking about when we say our vows and that I should wait until after. I would very much appreciate any advice you could provide. — Sexually Curious Bride
You sleeping with other people may be the last thing your fiance wants to hear just before your wedding, but it’s the first thing he needs to hear. I’m sure on some level you know that, but you’re afraid that if you come clean, you’ll risk him deciding he doesn’t want to marry someone who isn’t sure she can be monogamous. And that is a very real risk! But it would be dishonest of you to keep your feelings a secret and marry him knowing what you know about yourself. Your fiance may decide he’s OK marrying you despite your desire to sleep with other people, but he deserves to make that decision will a full disclosure from you before you walk down the aisle.
I do not suggest sweeping this under the rug and trying to be satisfied with “marrying the love of your life,” as you say. You have a history of cheating, and given that your husband-to-be doesn’t fulfill your sexual needs and you’re already questioning whether you can remain faithful to him, it’s only a matter of time before you cheat again. Why go into a marriage with the deck stacked so high against you like that? It isn’t fair to you and it most certainly isn’t fair to your fiance. And if breaking his heart is what concerns you, just imagine how broken it will be when he learns of his wife’s infidelity. At least a broken engagement is much easier to get over than a cheating wife and broken marriage.
As for when to bring this up to him, there’s no time like the present. Simply sit him down and tell him that before you commit your lives to each other, there’s something you need to tell him that may affect his decision to marry you. Explain to him how much you love him and how you want nothing more to grow old with him, except maybe to grow old with him and to bone everybody to your heart’s content on the side. Tell him that while you meant it when you said you could be monogamous, on second thought, you aren’t so sure you do. Ask him if there’s any way he would consider an open marriage where he has sole dibs on your heart and soul and first dibs on your body, but everyone else can have a piece, too. If he’s open to that, great. And if not, then you may lose the love of your life, but you’ll gain sexual freedom forever and ever.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
WWS.
Seriously, mismatched sex drives are a major source of problems in LTRs. And, like Wendy said, it´s not fair to either of you to enter marriage with the way you´re feeling.
WWS! LW, you need to have this conversation with your fiance today, if possible. You need to be honest with him about your sexual needs. He may be agreeable to opening your relationship, but you won’t know until you talk to him.
He deserves to know immediatley. It may break his heart but he deserves to make the decision to get married with full knowledge of you and your wants and needs. He deserves the chance to walk away if this won’t work for him. If you love him you won’t pull this on him after getting married. If you love him you need to respect him enough to be honest even though he may never marry you. If you marry him under false pretenses you know that you’ll probably be divorced within a few years and he not only won’t be the love of your life, he will likely despise you.
Like Wendy said he might not want to hear it before the wedding but you owe him that conversation before you get married. If you wait until after you’re going to run the risk of either getting a divorce or staying in a marriage that makes both of you miserable.
I’m also in the tell him before the wedding camp. Not the week of the wedding. Like. NOW.
First, you should smack the person who told you not to bring this up until after the wedding. Couples needs to be on the same page BEFORE they get married.
Then, WWS.
Beyond that, I’m really curious whether your biggest concern is mismatched sex drives or the desire for an open relationship. Wanting the “freedom to pursue and satisfy” your sexual curiosity when you meet someone you are attracted to sounds like a desire for an open relationship. Maybe that stems from your mismatched sex drives, but it sounds more like you’d want an open relationship even if your sex drives were more closely matched up.
Regardless of which it is, you need to tell all to this man. It is completely unfair of you to keep this information away from the man who you plan to marry.
Talk to him now. If you don’t, you will be entering into a marriage based on a lie. He must have the choice. Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if you married someone thinking you knew who they were and it turned out they lied to you when they promised to be faithful? If he does choose to leave, he will do so with his dignity intact, and you will have been honest. You owe him that.
I’ll marry him instead!
If this is truly about mismatched sex drives I think you need to have a frank discussion with your fiance about your lack of satisfaction sexually and BOTH of you need to work together to meet in the middle. My fiance and I have very different drives, but we talk about it often and both of us give a little (and some times a lot) so that we are both happy.
If you just want “freedom to pursue and satisfy my sexual curiosity” when even and with whom ever you are sexually attracted to- I don’t think you are ready for marraige.
Eh, to me personally marriage does mean monogamy. But there are many, many healthy, happy, mature marriages out there that are open, so I don’t think its my place to make my personal standard the standard for everyone.
It sounds like this girl has never been happy being monogamous, so I don’t think for her this is a case of cold feet or feeling like she still wants to sow some oats. This is probably just how she is.
Its entirely possible that they could have a happy, mutually fulfilling, open marriage. But the only way she’s going to know if that’s possible is to ask him if and how he would like that to work. Not wait until they’re already married and then spring it on him. That’ll just put them on the fast track for annulment.
I agree. Marraige to ME means monogamy, but that doesn’t mean it does for everyone. Based on what the LW has said about her fiance, he is not okay with an open relationship and they only way their relationship will survive is if he steps up his game in the bedroom. And I really don’t think that is enough.
To each his own, but it doesn’t sound like your fiance’ would be willing to have an open relationship which is why you are afraid to tell him before the wedding.
Tell him now. Don’t wait until the wedding, or until you cheat.
I’m wondering what his very, very, very low sex drive is? Once a week, once a month, once a year? Maybe he’s gay and if you have an open relationship he’ll have one too. Would you mind if both of you were seeing men on the side?
Man, if my husband told me after our wedding that he didn’t want to be monogamous, we’d be heading for an annulment. Surely you realize that an open marriage is something that he could easily refuse to do and that could easily make him not want to be married to you anymore. Therefore, he needs all the facts before he jumps into this. Otherwise, it makes you seem very shady.
I don’t know LW. I question your love for this man. Here I am also a few months away from a wedding and my fiance and I have never had sex with each other or with anyone. We don’t know what each other’s sex drive will be but when we get to that point I know we’ll compromise. Never, ever ever would either of us even think about wanting to stray from our marriage. To us sex belongs in a marriage and no where else. It’s not “just sex”. It’s love. It’s the one thing in this world that will we will experience with each other and with no one else. And what an awesome thing to experience and share with the man of my dreams forever! No matter if we do it 10 times a week or 1 it will be special and between us. And we’ll talk about it and discuss our desires. If one of us has a fantasy we’ll tell the other and see what we can do.
I think you have two choices.
1. Marry him and remain monogamous and share your body with your husband only.
2. Break up and share your body with everyone that wants it.
Truthfully I think the answer is in what your moral values are. I don’t think I can answer what you should do. Only you can.
I think though that she shouldn’t feel bad about her desires. What sex in a marriage means to her vs what it means to you or me or whoever isn’t the question here. It’s what they both want and desire. It’s not just about moral values. She shouldn’t be ashamed of what she wants, but she should be truthful. It also doesn’t meant she loves her fiance any less than you love yours.
I’m sorry, but sex is not that easy that you will just “compromise”. If you haven’t had it then you don’t know all that it entails, no matter how much you talk about it beforehand. I respect your decision to wait until marriage and I think that doing so can make sex a lot LESS complicated, but you won’t know your desires until you have it and your partner may or may not wish to embrace them.
I find your reply unnecessarily rude and reeking of condescension. Kudos on your life choices; I hope they make you happy but I missed the part where that gave you license to judge anyone who might choose differently
“Break up and share your body with everyone that wants it”
umm…SERIOUSLY?? What part of a single person having sex outside of marriage (which she would be if they broke up) equals having sex with EVERYONE who wants it?!? Congratulations you have just insulted the majority of adult Americans by implying they have zero standards when it comes to sex.
I don’t need to be able to read tone when you write “depending on your moral values” – you can’t really backtrack on that one. Your post reeks of judgment. I think it’s ridiculous to wait until marriage, but I would never presume to judge someone else for their decisions, regardless of how silly I personally think they are.
I can’t imagine any underlying tone that would make your initial response anymore palatable…unless it was sarcasm.
“‘I just want the freedom to pursue and satisfy my sexual curiosity when I meet someone I’m attracted to’ I was just saying, she has a choice to do that if she wants by breaking up with him”
Yeah. No. You said:
“Break up and share your body with everyone that wants it”
If you don’t understand the difference between the two and why the second one was rude and insulting, then I am kind of at loss… just because a person chooses to have sex with more than one person or have sex outside of marriage/relationship does not mean they want to “share their body with everyone who wants it”.
Also, I find it rich that you chastise me for not knowing you well enough to interpret your “tone” based on “text on a page” but you feel comfortable enough using “text on a page” to question a stranger’s love for her fiance simply because she shares different values than you.
The idea that love = monogamy, and vice versa, is one of the reasons why a lot of couples have to deal with adultery. It’s awesome that you’re no longer interested in men now that you’re with you’re fiance, but a lot of that has to do with your personal experience. As you said, he’s the only man you’ve been with so you don’t know what else is out there.
I’m on the very monogamous end of the scale. I’ve only ever wanted to be with one person at a time, and this meant going years without sex because I wasn’t in a relationship. Not everyone is that way. A lot of people (and yes, women) enjoy sex for it’s own sake. And when they fall in love with one person, that doesn’t always go away. When I first met my BF (soon to be fiance) I was freaked out when I realized I still had an attraction to a mutual friend. I didn’t want to be capable of those feelings now that I had met the love of my life, but I was and I needed to accept that. People who don’t accept that they may be attracted to people outside their marriage, people who assume they would never cheat because they’re “good people”, don’t figure out how to deal with their attractions. These are the people that get drunk and just slip up, because they never thought they were capable of it.
You can want to sleep with someone that you don’t love. You can love someone and still want to sleep with other people. And if you’re very thoughtful, you can love someone AND STILL SLEEP WITH OTHER PEOPLE. The norm may be monogamy, but it’s not the only “moral” option.
just an FYI, when you say to someone that they are “cheapening” something, thats pretty condescending and not going to be well received, just like your above comment…
You don´t. You can say, as others have, “I wouldn´t have a non monogamous relationship” Or something along those lines. Without the disparaging adjectives.
First of all, you didn’t have to bring the word morals into it. Just because you think the only right thing to do is be in a monogamous relationship doesn’t mean other people do. You can still be moral and want to have an open relationship.
You also told her to either suck it up and be in a monogomous relationship, or go out and have sex with as many dudes as she wants. There is a middle ground, if she and her fiance are both ok with it. Just because it’s something you wouldn’t choose, doesn’t mean she is immoral.
It’s the way you said it. You said, this is my opinion, and based on my opinion you only have two choices, which are to stay completely monogamous or to break up and sleep around. But that is not the case. As many others have mentioned, she has the option of discussing this with her husband and potentially coming to compromise (whether that’s a poly-amorous marriage, compromising on sex activities together, whatever). The point is, there are more options here than just those based on your opinion. There is nothing wrong with sharing your beliefs, or saying that you don’t understand where someone else is coming from, but there IS something wrong with telling someone that their only options are based on what YOU think.
you can say something like, in my life i think that being monogomous is special and it makes sex more important and more emotional for me. then you might add in, i dont judge others who have sex outside of monogamy, just for me its such a special experience that i dont want to share it with just anyone.
saying that not being monogamous cheapens the experience of sex says to anyone else who does have sex with multiple people that they are cheap, you know? you can definitely share what you believe and how you live your life without giving off that air that anyone who doesnt sucks at it.
You SHOULD satisfy your own desires (as well as your partner’s of course, but making sure that YOU are satisfied is equally important)
I think you are putting way to much into what sex is going to be, and there is a very good chance you will be dissappointed at first until you figure out what works between the two of you. I would suggest to start double clicking the mouse if you don’t already, and start finding out what works for you so you can help him help you, because it can destroy him mentally.
It’s great that you and your fiance have openly discussed what you expect from each other in your marriage. Very few people have that. However, as many of the other commenters have noted, while marriage means monogamy for most, it does not mean monogamy for everyone. It seems you tried hard to not be judgmental in your response, but it definitely comes across with a tone of superiority and knowing-better-than. People can be in open relationships and still love their main partner deeply. In fact, this kind of relationship takes at least just as much communication as the type you described you and your fiance have.
I also feel that Wendy’s response was a bit judgmental, though I know her writing style is done to elicit a certain response. However, if I were the LW, I would feel incredibly ashamed after reading her response for even thinking about an open relationship when the only thing the LW should be ashamed for is contemplating not being open with her fiance.
LW – if you want to change the verbal agreement (to be monogamous) of your relationship, you need to do so before your wedding when it becomes a legal contract.
While I respect your decision to wait and your views on sex, I don’t think that everyone believes the same thing. Actually, I know not everyone does – because I don’t (and I’m part of everyone). I don’t think we should necessarily judge the LW for what she thinks/feels/desires. A lot of people feel that same way and kudos to her for wanting to be HONEST about it. Now, I definitely think she should talk to him before they get married because he has the right to know but I don’t think her wanting an open relationship makes her a bad person.
And also, only in technically “recent” times in history (I’m not talking the last few years here just to be clear) has sex been about love. Sex and sexual desire is one of the purest, most carnal desires humans and other animals have ever had.
I feel like you’re bragging about your relationship, which is definitely NOT helpful for the LW. It seems a bit obnoxious and judgmental. Hate to say it, but your choices do not guarantee that you’ve found the “key to happiness” and you’re going to live happily ever after because you refrained from sex.
Just bugs me to hear/read about ppl who feel they know what’s right for another person based on their own experiences; everyone is different! Doesn’t make you any better b/c you waited. I respect your choice, but please be wiser in the future when placing your beliefs on others.
Sorry to sound harsh…
It’s unfortunate that it comes out that way, though. I know you’re defending your comment b/c you did mean well. I understand that you didn’t mean any harm, as long as you understand how misleading the comment could seem for the LW. Just make a note how it can could come across wrong… That’s the sucky part of the internet.
Sarolabelle, as much as you’re going to get eaten alive for this comment, I have to agree with you a bit. Marriage is entering into a forever partnership with someone in which you work together on EVERYTHING. Satisfying each other’s sexual desires shouldn’t be impossible to do just between two spouses. If you have to have other people to satisfy your desires, you don’t have a strong marriage.
Ok, so he has a low sex drive. She could just tell him she needs more sex and tell him specific fantasies she has. If he values the marriage and monogamy, he will compromise too and work to please her in the bedroom so she doesn’t need anyone else. If her fantasies absolutely cannot be fulfilled without fucking multiple random dudes, she’s not ready to be anyone’s wife.
The major problem I have with her comment is not that she thinks that…it’s how…holier than thou and judgmental she sounds about people who believe anything but what she stated.
I’m not going to argue with that. I’m not about slut shaming or anything like that. But I really think that what she was trying to express was that two loving spouses in a good marriage ought to be able to compromise on bedroom matters so that they are both satisfied. If it means he has to get himself in the mood more often or act out scenarios he wouldn’t normally be able to, I would think he would be willing to do that. Women do it all the time! Hell, I did it when I was in a relationship. I have a fairly high sex drive but my work hours are really weird and sometimes I was really tired when he was really horny. I would have to put effort into getting in the mood at first but after a few minutes it was well worth the effort because we were both enjoying it. And neither of us needed to screw anybody else, which is also much safer in terms of STD’s and stuff.
I have no problem with that. The only problem I have is how judgmental and frankly kind of bitchy she said it. There are more productive ways to get her point across.
Anna, I agree. I think Sarolabelle’s comment came off a little harsh. But, I sort of get what you both are saying.
When you really and truly love someone you DO have to make some sacrifices. That is a very adult realization. That NO… you can not get everything you want!! I can not pretend to know what it is like to have a strong desire to be with men other than the man I love. That’s just not my personality. Sure, my head can be turned by someone attractive, but that’s what it stops for me. HOWEVER, I can understand what it is like to compromise and yes, make sacrifices. Having an adult relationship requires being an adult. And not getting whatever you want, whenever you want it.
THE LW may need to decide what is more important 1) Marrying him or 2) Not marrying him and being with whoever she wants. If she is having this much reservation about telling him, open relationships are probably not his thing.
it’s in the way you phrased your comment, like anyone who didn’t believe what you did is fundamentally wrong and like you are shaming her for believing something different than you do. There are respectful ways to say what you said and you just didn’t do that.
Opinion: For me and my fiancé, sex is something that should take place only between us forever and ever.
Holier than thou: If you are interested in an open marriage then you do not love your fiance because love and sex are equal and if you had morals you would understand that.
Get it?
anna, my perspective on marriage is similar to your and sarolabelle’s. but, the point of my comment as least was that it doesn’t matter what we want out of a marriage. it only matters what she and her future husband want. if they are both ok with an open marriage, then it’s fine.
what makes each of us happy in a relationship is very different. people shouldn’t feel bad for what makes them happy. they should feel bad however for keeping secrets like this from their SOs. that’s the quickest way to undermine a relationship. especially if you are going to go with an open marriage. if you can’t trust the person to be honest with you about what they want and are comfortable with, things are going to fall apart quick.
Exactly my thoughts. There are a few instances where an open marraige might work- but I just don’t think this LW is ready for the life long commitment that marraige is meant to be. She isn’t even married yet and yearning to sleep with other men. I’m getting married with in the next year and I am pumped that this is my for sex partner.
“If her fantasies absolutely cannot be fulfilled without fucking multiple random dudes, she’s not ready to be anyone’s wife” See, I disagree with this. While I intend to remain monogamous in marriage, some people are completely OK with their wife sleeping with other people. In fact, some men like to watch it happen. Everyone has their quirks.
Yeah, this is what I mean by my comment.
If you and your husband end up having a happy, sexually fulfilling marriage, its not because you’ve waited for marriage, its because you’ve talked exhaustively with each other about your values and expectations when it comes to sex
This is what the LW needs to do.
Not everybody has the same attitude towards sex, love, and monogamy. That’s okay. We don’t all have to have the exact same value system. But we should share the same values as the people we marry. The only way you can do that is by talking about it first.
You’ve found someone who wants to wait and wants a monogamous marriage, like you do. She needs to be with someone who would be happy in a non-monogamous (or monogamousish to steal from Dan Savage). That could be her fiance, but she won’t know unless she opens her mouth.
I think she has more than 2 choices. In fact, I know she does. She can share her body discriminately with men she wants to share it with and/or that her husband approves of. It’s not monogamy vs. open your legs for the next guy who asks.
People who aren’t in open relationships don’t understand them. I can’t understand them. But I know that “break up so you can bone everyone” isn’t really a helpful suggestion, especially if she doesn’t WANT to bone everyone. Just the occasional someone. Can that work? Can her partner be on board? What sort of boundaries and rules do there need to be to make it work and keep their relationship healthy? This is stuff they need to talk about before the wedding, ASAP.
Now I do think if there is a small mismatch in a couples sex drive or what they like then yes there definitely is usually an easy compromise that works for both people, or if it is just when, where, and how you are going to do it. But there is a lot more to sex then just saying oh if we don’t match we will compromise, there are some things in sex that you just can’t compromise, and if that happens you have to be willing to let go of that person, but instead some people are willing to stick it out for “love” and be miserable with each other. Now this girl on the other hand is the exact opposite, she knows exactly what she wants, and knows that she can’t stick it out for love, but is willing to be in a potentially miserable, and hurtful relationship, instead of finding somebody that matches her. So don’t assume that compromise will overcome everything, because it most certainly won’t. I don’t disagree with your approach to it either, and if it works out for both of you that is great.
You shouldn’t marry someone who doesn’t know who you are. And your fiance thinks that you are happily monogamous, which you aren’t. Going into marriage with different terms and expectations than what was agreed upon is grounds for annulment, or a divorce if this secrecy last for years. Tell him now so he knows who he is marrying.
hey you guys! just wanted to say hey to everyone in the middle of my awesome vacation at my house. haha. friday night i went to my family’s lake house in wisconsin, back monday, out for dinner and drinks in chicago, and now today were going to one of the taste fairs…
ill read over all the letters (and the weekend open thread about food… of course im gone the weekend we all talk about food.. sigh) sometime soon so please be extra insightful!! haha
You know that saying ‘once a cheater always a cheater’? I strongly believe that cheating behavior has very little to do with another person, wanting to satisfy a ‘need’ or incompatible drives. Sometimes its something else that drives us to cheat. Inability to commit, fear or sometimes not having been taught self control as a child. This is true – I have a really great friend who was the channel of love for her parents as they dealt with their unhappy marriage and got everything she ever wanted; this girl had never been taught self control and as a result was 150 lbs overweight all her life. The simple concept of saying ‘no’ was just so difficult and foreign to her, she couldn’t deal with it. She had to teach herself how to separate want from need in her teens.
What I’m trying to get at LW, is that rather than chalk things up to sex drive, talk to a relationship professional. In fact, I think that this couple of all couples, should go see premarital counseling.
I totally agree with Wendy and everyone else that says “TELL HIM NOW”…
One thing I wanted to add (and forgive me if this has already been brought up, I have only skimmed the comments) is has his “VERY LOW SEX DRIVE” been addressed… at all? Is there something medical going on? Has he spoken with his Doctor? Have you been very honest and told him you need to have more sex to be happy? Maybe he has a lot of stress, but would be perfectly willing to make changes to make you happy.
I have a fairly high sex drive. And when I don’t? I fake it. I rarely turn it down (even when too tired or whatever). I am never upset that I did. I think it is really important and a huge key to a happy relationship. There is nothing like it to bond two people and make them feel close mentally/emotionally (which is why so many people are fond of monogamy, I think… because it can be so deep and emotional). So, if your fiance knew how much you felt this part of your life lacking, maybe you two could work out a way to step it up. He clearly loves you very much. Give him the chance to make changes, if possible.
I definitely don’t see this is the end all solution to your problems. But, maybe more frequent sex within your relationship would quell some of your bed hopping desires.
Either way, you need to both be on the same page. Right now, he’s thinking you’re at the part of the story where you two live happily ever after. You need to let him know that you’re not there yet.
LW, you seem like you’re trying to convince yourself that your fiancee is the greatest thing since sliced bread but it isn’t really working. Marriage is difficult enough when you’re both on the same page but you and he are reading different books. I can use the term “Thou does protest too much” to describe how I reacted to your letter.
Be open and honest with him and for gawdsakes, do it before you get married so he can have a choice. You seem to only be considering your needs in this, he has them too.
LW, do you think you’d want to be monogamous if your fiance had more sex with you? Or do you think you *need* multiple lovers or whatnot? I don’t think your answer makes a difference in terms of moving foward – WWS re: that – but I’m just curious. Maybe there’s another guy out there you’d want to be monogomous with. Or another guy out there who is down with an open relationship. Or maybe this guy would be ok with an open relationship? … I don’t know. Also, I thought this was funny, “I want my soon-to-be husband to have … access to my body whenever he wants it.” Like an easement of sorts? Ha.
You are not ready to be married. It’s really as simple as that. If you love this guy, let him go, you owe it to him. Marrying him will be a disaster (for him, especially).
Re wedding: STOP! That’s unfair to both of you. Poly or open marriage could be the solution but try it before getting married. I know a few couples that lived that way for several years, had kids etc. All of them are now divorced but have no regrets and had years of happiness.
LW, you need to be honest with yourself. You are going to have sex with someone outside of the marriage. You can “try” to be monogomous now but think about 5 years, 10 years, 15 years. If you are having such a strong desire to have an open relationship now it will only magnify as time goes by. You need to talk to your fiancee now. You need to be on the same page about this now and not live a lie until your secret is found out and then the outcome will be far worse, and more painful, that it will be now. You need to be completely open and honest. Tell him exactly how you feel about him and why you want to marry him and be completely honest about your feelings towards sex outside the marriage and your desire to want to continue to pursue sexual experiences outside of those with him. Let him make the decision. He might be ok with it and put certain boundries around the behavior or he might flat out call the wedding off. Either way you have to let him make that decision. If you truly love him don’t hurt him by being in a marriage with him, where he thinks you are faithful, only for him to find out years down the road and be crushed. And it won’t be so much the act of sex with another man that will crush him, it will be the dishonesty and lies and disrespect behind his back.
See if he’s open to an “open” marriage. He might just surprise you and say yes. Monogamy ISN’T for everyone, you know…
I think, LW, you really need to have a talk. A lot of talks. And you should have been having them from the beginning. Having an open relationship is possible but it requires an exceptional amount of trust and communication that some people are not capable of. You will have to figure out if you and/or your fiance are capable of that. I don’t really have a lot of advice that others haven’t said, but I might talk a little bit about my experience to see if anything strikes a cord.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years, although our relationship has been monogamous we have discussed that some day it might not always be. We have lucked out in the fact that our sex drives are pretty well matched, but they might not always be that way. As weird as this may sound, we have talked about whether or not we would be willing to negotiate an opening of our relationship in some “what if” situations. I feel comfortable in the thought that I would be willing to listen to my SO’s thoughts, needs, and open up the relationship on terms I felt comfortable with.
I have also figured out that one of my biggest turn-ons is being seen as super sexually desirable, especially by men that I don’t know at all. Especially attractive men I don’t know. Why? Who knows… but I know this about myself, and I have explained it to my partner. Maybe this is a part of our “sexual curiousity” I don’t know. After a lot of discussion (this is over like weeks/months) we have come up with a plan that works for both of us at this current point in time.
I like going out either with my SO or my friends, wearing something super sexy, and dancing/grinding with guys that I find attractive. Then I go back home and have the best sex with my SO. It satisfies my turn-on of feeling desirable, and my partner has found that he now enjoys the fact that other men want me but I end up going home with him. We have discussed the idea of me making out with other guys, and he is comfortable with that. I think I would like to try it eventually, but for now our plan is working well.
Maybe at some point I will want to do more, or he will feel a desire to be with someone else at various stages of intimacy. Point is, I feel comfortable talking about it with him and finding a point where we both feel comfortable and happy. You will have to figure out if you and your fiance can do that, and if you can’t then it might not be the best relationship for you.
Good luck!
“I don’t want another boyfriend and I don’t want to be truly polyamorous; I just want the freedom to pursue and satisfy my sexual curiosity when I meet someone I’m attracted to.”
In other words, you don’t know if you will even ever want to cheat, but you want permission to have the option, while keeping your husband at home nice and neat for you?? Yes LW you are selfish. However, that doesn’t mean your fiancee doesn’t deserve to know that he’s marrying a selfish, maybe-going-to-cheat-on-him person. He dealt with you and an open relationship once, maybe he’ll do it again, or maybe he’ll decide he’s sick of your bulls*t and it’s time for BOTH of you to find people (in your case, multiple people) who are more sexually in tune with each other.
I had a thought I wanted to add to the whole sarolabelle debate above, but I wasn’t sure where to include it.
I know that today, with folks like Dan Savage screaming from the rooftops about open relationships etc., everyone is very PC about non-monogamous relationship and sexual kinks. This generation of Westerners is extremely concerned with being “non-judgmental” about alternative sexual lifestyle choices, and I can appreciate that in a way. I don’t think it’s good to hate others based on what their sexual choices are, even if they are not in line with your own. And I understand that different people have different values.
But, I have to say, I think that at least some of this newfound entitlement to have all sexual (and other) urges and proclivities filled at all times and “settling” for nothing less is somewhat reflective of an unrealistically selfish view of life that is bound to lead to a lot of suffering. What I mean is, monogamy is a sacrifice for everyone, even people (like myself, I admit) that derive a lot of satisfaction from committing to just one person at a time. It’s a sacrifice, but so are a lot of things worth having. I think that in this race to make sure that every sexual urge is satiated because damnit we’re entitled to that, other valuable things can fall by the wayside. That is, happiness is more than just getting everything you want, sexual or otherwise, at every moment you want it.
Anyway, I feel like I could definitely expand more on this idea, but I don’t have time to write much right now. Hopefully some of you can see what I’m getting at. I think it’s sad that the LW would discard such a potentially amazing relationship because of some skewed idea about her sexuality that may be derived more from a culture of selfishness than genuine, innate, constructive sexual desires. However, with where she is at now, I do think this guy deserves to know the truth so he can find someone that is better suited to him.
I am really confused and slightly irked about this letter writer. It could be that I’ve been on a lot of pain killers for the last two weeks. And steroids, so I’m in a very, very grumpy mood. (Which, in the interest of full disclosure: on top of the ‘roid raging, I’m also dealing with hormone fluxuations)
LW, you say you’ve been with this guy for 3+ years and other than the first 8-9 months, you have been 100% exclusive, even with the incompatible sex drives.
You are getting married in 3 months and you’re unsure of whether or not you can handle being monogamous.
To me, an outsider, it kind of looks like cold feet, even though you say you want to be married to him and you love him and say you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy. Kind of.
Another part of me wonders if maybe you really are the type who can handle a more “non-traditional” relationship. I don’t know. Can HE handle one?
My current SO can only handle one so long as he is the only male in it. Which is fine with me because honestly, because what I am missing is female companionship and I haven’t had a steady girlfriend since 2005 (and that one came complete with her own fiance, so it was a complete).
You need to really sit yourself down and decide if this is what you want because you’re scared to be tied down to someone for life or because you truly feel sexually incompatible with him. Realize that he may not be willing to allow an open marriage (my 1st husband was 100% against it) and may call off the wedding. Ultimately, you do need to be true to yourself though. A called off wedding is far less embarassing and cheaper and less stressful than a divorce.
I haven’t read everyone’s comments yet, and I’m not judging her preference for open relationships at all, but I just wanted to say that I’m a little annoyed when people think they can magically have everything they want without having to make any sacrifices or work to make things happen. This LW wants to have her wedding cake and eat it too, which might be fine, or it might be too much to ask of him. But she also wants to slip around and not even talk to him about it right now because she wants to avoid this awkward conversation. Seriously, relationships are sometimes work, and you can’t assume that you’ll just be able to get what you want all the time.
LW, if you want to have a good relationship, you need to realize that the relationship that you’ll have if it’s opened up is completely different from the relationship you’re in now. You arrive at the decision to marry hopefully after realizing that things are working out for you two, but things are not going to be worked out in three months. Even if you open up your relationship, you’ll need a good while to make sure that your new set-up works. Marriage is not just about loving each other. It’s about having an arrangement that works for both of you. You’ll need to basically start dating each other all over again to find out. BUT you can’t just ignore this. You have two options as I see it: 1) Talk to your fiance, postpone your wedding, and try to make an open relationship work. 2) Talk to your fiance, postpone your wedding, and figure out if you can handle being with only him forever. If not, leave.
I spend too much time on reddit. This post makes me think of when I randomly came across one day. Most of the posters said their relationship woes could have been avoided by paying attention to the signs, and making decisions BEFORE they got married. There are people on there who haven’t had sex for years, because their partner decided they just were done with sex. Or their partners treat it as a chore, or do it reluctantly, etc.
If the problem is simply his lack of sex drive (so if it was higher you’d be fine, and wouldn’t want to open things up), go read some of the posts there. Look at what a difficult time some of those people are having, because they decided that lack of sex would be ok, they’d find a way through. Most of them are MISERABLE. Sex is important, and both partners need to be fair on it.
It sounds like LW just craves variety (in addition to more frequent sex), and that’s not simply fixed by more sex. Do the right thing, tell the fiance IMMEDIATELY. What if he doesn’t want an open relationship after they are married? Does LW simply accept this and not sleep around? Probably not, since she’s already thinking about cheating. So then they’re going to have problems, likely ending in divorce. The friend who advised LW to not mention it until after the wedding is an idiot.
It sounds like you are simply too young to be married. I totally get that open relationships can work, but don’t BOTH parties need to be willing participants? Being sexually attracted to other people is normal, but it’s not healthy to think that the only way you can be happy is to act upon those urges. Buy a fucking vibrator.
LW, even if your fiance magically decides to continue with the wedding and let you fuck around town, I don’t think you should get married. Wait a few years. See if your desire to bone everyone you have a connection with fades away. I just… it’s one thing to broach the possibility of an open marriage to save an existing marriage. That totally makes sense to me. Or an open relationship with no intention of signing a marriage contract. But this particular situation… it just doesn’t make sense. Go find a man who will be happy to be in an open relationship. I guarantee they’re everywhere!
OK LW, here’s the thing, your fiancee obviously wants a monogamous relationship with you. You have compromised the past 3 yrs by remaining monogamous but are concerned you will cheat, so you want to approach your fiancee about an open relationship. Here’s the problem with that: even if your fiancee agrees to allow you to sleep with other men, you will always know he would prefer monogamy. And as you know, compromising on your sexual desires can lead to regret and fear. With that in mind, do you really think your fiancee will be happy the rest of his life knowing that you are sleeping with other men? Probably not, just as you probably won’t be happy sleeping with only him for the rest of your life. I’m not saying what is right or wrong, but I think you know that this isn’t going to end well. You need to have a really serious discussion with yourself and then your fiancee.
I’m sorry that this is probably not the answer you want to hear. I wouldn’t even approach him about an open relationship. I think you need to end the engagement. People will agree to things that they later regret when they think their relationship is on the line. Do you want this man, that you adore, to agree to a life that will make him unhappy just so that he doesn’t risk losing you?
Absolutely follow Wendy’s advice. He may even be relieved to hear he’s not going to be the sole person responsible for satisfying your insatiable sex drive. You’ll never know unless you talk it out with him. Good luck to you both!
To answer the actual question, obviously you cannot marry this man without talking to him about this first. Of course he needs to know that you want an open relationship and decide if that’s something he wants before committing to marrying you. And if it’s not something he wants, unfortunately you’re going to have to call off the wedding.* Love is not enough to make a relationship work if there are major incompatibilities.
But I have to add, contrary to what other people are telling you, the fact that you want an open relationship does not mean that you don’t truly love this man, or that you’re not ready to be married, or that you’re selfish or immature or slutty or immoral or whatever everybody else has been saying. Consensual non-monogamy and polyamory are perfectly valid relationship styles and more common than a lot of the monogamous folks probably want to believe. They can absolutely work, but *both* (all) parties have to be on board.
*Honestly, you should probably call off the wedding, regardless… even if he is willing to try an open relationship, you should give it a real try together before committing to getting married, in case he decides it’s not for him after all.
Hey, LW! One thing that you didn’t seem to address is HIS thoughts on this. Does he know you’re so unaligned? Or does he think it’s fine? If we’re talking once month low, has he seen a doctor? What are your actual expectations (weekly, 3 times a day). None of us, including Wendy, know how big this chasm is. And it makes a difference.