“I’m Not Attracted to my Girlfriend Since I Lost Weight”

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for four years now. When we started our relationship, we were both overweight, she a lot more than I. For the past year I have been working out like crazy, and I’ve lost so much weight. I love my new body and am extremely happy with the changes I have made in my life. She, on the other hand, is still overweight and is making no effort to lose weight. I’m just no longer physically attracted to her. She’s a great person with a great heart, but I’m just no longer happy with our relationship. Please help. — No Longer Attracted

 

If you aren’t attracted to your girlfriend and you aren’t happy in the relationship despite your girlfriend’s “great heart,” then you need to move on. If the person you’re with has to change in order for you to be happy with her or him, and that person is not interested in changing, there’s no point in sticking around. Related: you knew she was overweight when you started dating her. If you’re upset that you’re dating someone you aren’t attracted to, whose fault is that??

I have been married for three years, and six months ago I lost my job and have had part-time temp jobs ever since. They are keeping me busy and bringing in some money to help with the bills. My husband is taking a trip to visit his family overseas. I have never met them, but I wasn’t invited to go with him. I have told my husband that I feel bad that I don’t get to go. He said we can’t afford it. He paid $1200 for his ticket, and then he bought gifts for an additional thousand dollars. I asked my husband, since he is going to be gone for three weeks, if we can at least buy my cousin a ticket to fly here and keep me company while he is gone. He told me NO and that I haven’t contributed enough to the household for him to buy my cousin a ticket. It made me feel I am not good enough. — Not Good Enough

 
Good enough for what? Good enough to be treated decently? I would be more offended that he has no interest in introducing you to his family than that he won’t buy a ticket for your cousin to come stay with you for three weeks. And why do you need someone staying with you? You’re a grown adult, right? Do you have physical or mental issues that require aid? If not, there’s no reason a grown adult can’t live on her own for three weeks. But that’s not what this is really about. This is about your not feeling loved by your husband and that’s what you need to address when you sit down and talk with him about the state of your marriage.

Tell him how much it hurts that he’d rather spend money on gifts for his family instead of a plane ticket to fly you with him to meet them. Ask whether he truly sees you as a wife, or simply as a roommate whom he expects to be contributing her equal share of the household expenses. Because in a longterm marriage there will be times when one person contributes more financially, and, if he’s keeping score and is penalizing you for your lower financial household contribution, that’s not really a marriage. At any rate, it sounds like you would benefit from some couples counseling and should consider a trial separation down the line if things don’t improve.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

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