“I’m Obsessed With an Ex I Dated TWO Years Ago”
Here’s the problem: I CANNOT get over him. I think about him all day, everyday. I dream about him. I stalk him on social media. I stalk and Google his girlfriends. I compare myself to his girlfriends (he goes through a lot of girls). I haven’t had a relationship since him and I’m convinced it’s because I can’t get over him. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know that I will NEVER EVER EVER be with him nor do I want to be. But I’ve become obsessive in thought about him. And every time I try to cut him out, he creeps his way back in. What. Do. I. Do? — Obsessed with My Ex
It sounds like you’re projecting a lot — if not all — your romantic fantasies onto this guy to avoid the reality of putting your heart on the line and getting to know someone new. You dated him for a month? Two years ago? Yeah, MOA because whatever it is you think he means to you isn’t real. It’s a distraction — a distraction from pursuing something that is real. I imagine you’re avoiding reality because deep down you know that it hurts sometimes. A real relationship has the potential to truly break your heart and that’s scary. On the other hand, a real relationship has the potential to reward you in ways you probably haven’t even let yourself imagine (at least not for the last two years).
The truth is, if you can’t move past that distraction on your own and get back in touch with reality, it’s probably time to see a therapist. For whatever reason, this little one-month relationship has left you unable to trust your own judgment, which is a scary feeling for anyone. If we can’t trust our own judgment, what’s to protect us from getting hurt again? You need to learn to deal with that fear and move on. Dating and having relationships is a risk. But the promise of something REAL and substantial is worth that risk. It definitely beats living in a fantasy world where nothing ever progresses or changes.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Well, first of all you need to delete this guy from your Facebook. In fact, you need to block him entirely so you can’t just “stalk” him and his new girlfriends.
I have been in similar situations. Not to the extent of 2 years, but definitely up to 6-12 months. Normally I’d tell you to find someone else to distract yourself from the original guy, but I think in this case that is a BAD idea. The LAST thing you need to do is replace one obsession with another one. So in this case I’m going to wholeheartedly endorse the therapist idea. I think there might be something more at work here than just a lasting crush on this guy.
AAAAH.
Defriend him on facebook. Stop following him on Twitter. Block that page, if need be! All social media. Then I’d try to get over him, wait, and then SLOWLY put your toe in that dating pool.
I am so happy to not be on Facebook and go through stuff like that. She says she doesn’t even want to be with him but can’t stop thinking of him.
I think you’re right that having access to all this online info on him is poisonous & she should cut all digital ties with this guy…
I agree with you guys. I’ve been much happier since I deleted my Facebook account. Snooping on other people and worrying about why nobody has responded to your latest status update is so unhealthy.
Block and delete him from all social media! That’s the first step. Talk to a counselor about where this obsession is stemming from. If you’re not already, spend lots of time with girlfriends or family members you love. Read. Get active.
Get all dressed up, every day. Do your hair, your makeup, always leave the house feeling confident that you are hot shit. Do something you’ve never done before! Go Zip-lining! Take a day-trip to a neighbouring city! You just need to find some passion in life. Make it all about YOU cuz you’re awesome without this douche from two years ago.
When you’re content in your own life, the right person will come along 🙂
Besides therapy, which would probably be a good idea, I’d suggest staying off the computer for a while, or only sticking to safe sites where you know he won’t pop up. Also, while you shouldn’t get out there into dating just yet (it wouldn’t be fair to whomever dated you), you really should get out there, period. See if there’s local events to join, like a community baseball team or a book club or something. Fill your time with thoughts completely unrelated to him. Make plenty of new, fun friends.
“It sounds like you’re projecting a lot — if not all — your romantic fantasies onto this guy to avoid the reality of putting your heart on the line and getting to know someone new.”
I don’t see it this way at all – she knows that he’s not a good guy, but in spite of everything negative that she knows about him, she can’t get over him. It’s hard to say if this is one of those situations where “you want what you can’t have”, or if she hasn’t dated many guys (“first love”), or if she has a history of abuse, depression, etc. and a strong need for the type of positive attention that he gave her.
Whatever the reason(s), I agree that this obession needs to be addressed through therapy.
Get thee to a therapist, LW!!!
I went through a really bad breakup about 6 months ago, where the guy totally and completely broke my heart. One of the hardest things about that was there was a period of several months where I just felt like I couldn’t trust my own judgment AT ALL. Because I’d obviously so completely misjudged this guy who’d just stomped on my heart and didn’t somehow see the breakup coming. So, I do sympathize how hard it is to trust people after a crappy breakup. But what really helped me is to realize that at the end of the day, this breakup actually had nothing to do with me and would have happened regardless of who he was dating at that time (i.e. there were external factors that led to his decision to break up with me completely out of the blue). It sounds like a similar thing is true for the LW (given that the guy has a long history of cheating). Maybe this realization would help the LW get over him?
An obsession only takes over because you want to feed it – so you have to actively stop feeding the monster and let it die if you don’t want it anymore. Getting rid of an obsession with a bad ex is a lot like getting rid of an obvious bad health habit, like smoking – it takes different methods for different people. Some people can do it cold turkey. They cut off any connections that would feed their obsessions, trinkets from the past, internet network associations, etc., and then just MOA. Others need to substitute their cravings with something else – a hobby or another guy. Still others need that last big indulgence before they can give it up – have you given your heart the permission to cry over him, even though your head knows that he’s really not worth it? If you can truly and honestly say to yourself that you’ve tried everything in your power to get over this obviously-not-good-for-you-ex, and you are STILL obsessing, then please go see a therapist regarding your feelings. Yet recognize that just because those exes want to creep back in, it doesn’t mean that you automatically have to give them the permission to be there – you don’t have to accept the friend request or voice mail message if you don’t want to. If you want him out of your life, be sure to exercise actions that support you cutting him out and MOA.
I love your comparison to quitting smoking because you are absolutely right. As a smoker (and one who has quit in the past, but obviously not very successfully), I can understand where the parallels are. You have to find the way to “quit” this guy, LW. It may not be the same as what we are telling you or your friends tell you, but it doesn’t hurt to try different methods. I agree with most of the people on here that a great first step would be to block him from all of your social media and try to find new hobbies to submerge yourself in. Pick something you are interested in and find a group.
Fantastic response SGMcG~
LOVE the analogy! As someone who’s working on quitting smoking, I have a trick that I think might work for the LW. As I started trying to quit, it wasn’t working initially because I would have these cravings that would come out of nowhere – how can you prevent something when you don’t know the trigger? So I started writing down when a craving hit me, whether I gave in or not, what was happening, where I was, what I was thinking. Turns out, I smoke when I’m bored and out of habit. I just always assumed before that I did it when I was stressed, so I tried to quit smoking last summer when I was off school…which was dumb because I was really bored. So if I change my patterns but still keep busy, it’s easier to quit. Figure out when it is you obsess the most, and that will help you break the pattern.
Dear LW,
I would love to offer advice but I honestly feel out of my depth with your situation and truly hope you will seek out a trained professional who can better help you with this issue.
The LW has been fixated on her ex for a period of time 24 TIMES LONGER than amount of time she actually dated him.
In addition, it appears that she already knows what she is doing is unhealthy; it seems she continues to do it not because she wants to but because she doesn’t have the control to stop.
While I think most people can relate to a certain degree about the difficulty in letting go of a past relationship, this is such an EXTREME case that I don’t know if commiseration is necessarily what the LW needs to hear. I worry that it might “normalize” what she has deemed(seemingly rightfully) as obsessive behavior.
In the same vein, if an LW wrote in about being “obsessed” with his or her weight, I wouldn’t respond with anecdotes about my own weight struggles or to an LW “obsessed” with pornography I wouldn’t share how I sometimes use sex as an escape from reality.
In the past, I’ve kind of had a tendency to be preoccupied with the last person I dated until I met someone new. As soon as I got a new crush or love interest, the constant thoughts about my ex would trickle away. I wish this wasn’t sometimes the case, but its just like…I need to think about something! When I’m bored, I like to think about boys. If I don’t have a current one, I think about a past one. I wonder if you’d met someone you actually liked since you dated him if you’d be having this issue….Its hard to say because your case seems kind of extreme.
I agree with this…& also wish it wasn’t the case, but it’s just easier to walk away from the last one if you’re walking towards the next one – even if you know he’s not “The One.”
Because I know this about myself, sometimes I’ll just cultivate a celebrity crush or re-read a book that has a great love interest (HEATHCLIFF – gah, I love him) so that I don’t involve real, actual humans in my break-up ritual.
When I broke up with my last boyfriend, I watched like every Justin Bieber interview on YouTube. I blush now every time I hear one of his songs. Seriously.
Totally agree with Wendy in regard to seeing a therapist. It’s pretty clear that, regardless of how hard you’ve tried, this has become an obsessive compulsion that has become difficult, if not impossible, for you to control. I think you could really benefit from sitting down with a counselor to help you figure out WHY you developed this obsession and learn healthy ways to get past it and move on with your life. You’re missing out on so many experiences because of this obsession! It’s interfering with your normal, day-to-day life!
And yes, you are absolutely using this obsession as a wall to hide behind. This focus lets you take the focus off of yourself – you don’t have to analyze why you haven’t had a relationship in 2 years, you don’t have to think about your own flaws or issues, and you don’t have to get hurt. Except, really, you ARE being hurt by this. You’re hurting yourself by wasting so much time on an obsession that will never, and should never, come to fruition. You’re hurting yourself by not getting out in the dating world and meeting a man who is right for you. You’re hurting yourself by living in denial and not facing your fears and your demons. Looking at and analyzing your own issues isn’t easy – a LOT of people are living in denial – but wouldn’t you rather be a confident, self-aware, in-touch-with-who-you-are kind of person? Please, take every step possible to become THAT person, and not the feeble impression of yourself you are right now.
I can relate, i was in the same situation.
De-friending on facebook did not work for me.
So I deleted the whole thing, permanently. I am not on facebook anymore.
Did you always have facebook? Delete or deactivate your account…it is not the end of the world.
Second, forgive yourself and forget the loser. Forget the loser, his life is his problem, but you should forgive yourself. Your obsession is a result of the embarrassment you feel at having been taken, having been foolish. You want to answer the question “Why was I not good enough for this loser?”
So forgive yourself, delete facebook, and when you feel like stalking him on facebook step away from the computer for a while.
I agree. Honestly, I am not such a strong person when it comes to love, but when a guy breaks up with me. He BREAKS UP WITH ME. I literally fall of the face of the earth for that person & they do as well for me.
I usually deactivate my Facebook until I’m “ready”, then as soon as I get back on I delete them with no problems. I don’t call them, or talk about them, & I specifically tell any mutual parties to not inform me of their shenanigan’s or them of mine.
& guess what, they usually end up calling/contacting me after a while.
I just think, if you’re going to let me go, you’re going to really know what it feels like to let me go, & turns out they don’t like it too much 🙂
It’s been said, but – THERAPY! (I seriously think that 99% of the population would benefit from therapy.) With behavorial therapy you could be free of this obsession in a matter of a few sessions. Then you can start adressing why you are attracted to jerks. I was, in particular, struck by your statement that he convinced you that he was in love with you, and then you fell for him. I’ve fallen into that trap before, and it never ends well. With a little work on your self esteem you can start building relationships where you are with the person because YOU love THEM. Not because you need someone to love YOU. Good luck!
I just had to say I LOVE your name!!! Has to be one of the funniest friends episodes ever!!!
This is unrelated..but cute banana icon!
I agree with you Princess… Therapy is such a great tool that many would benefit from… you aren’t crazy or ill if you seek help… That stigma bothers me.
Thanks! That friends episode is one favorites! Even though it was kind of in the winding down stage of the show when they were introducing new characters to keep in interesting – Phoebe and her “princess bananahammock” always makes me laugh.
LW, I won’t say you ‘need’ therapy. Maybe it would help, or maybe you can make the commitment to yourself to change your own behaviors. Stop stalking him. Stop Googling his girlfriends, flings and conquests. When you have the urge to do these things, go out for a walk, do situps, drink a glass of water, call a friend, read a book–anything else. I suspect that once you stop forcing yourself to look at him, to compare yourself to these other women, then the fantasy will lessen.
Speaking of comparisons, I have another one for you. These other women, who seem to come and go so quickly from his life? They probably got used and cheated on, too. They left his life, too. Still obsessing about being in their shoes, reliving all that pain and stress?
Lastly, about those fantasies? Try substituting someone else–anyone else–in those daydreams. Even a shadowy, mysterious figure. Don’t visualize this guy in your fantasies any more. When he shows up, tell yourself “Self, he’s not part of my life, fact or fantasy” and indulge those romantic dreams with images of another, worthier person.
Last thought–get busy. There’s a very old expression:the devil makes use of idle hands. Find more, new, creative ways to occupy your time and your mind brake a class, volunteer, join a gym, learn a new hobby, try online dating, anything. But when you fill your life with positive things, your mind fills itself with good thoughts. Then you’ve put yourself on the path of a great, fulfilling life, and oftentimes that’s when you find that wonderful person with whom you can share your already great life.
Good luck.
“I haven’t had a relationship since him.”
This, to me, was the line to pay attention to. We ALWAYS obsess about our last, especially when we see our last moving on (and on, and on, and on) yet we are standing still. You desire the perceived desirable, and him being successful with women gives the perception he is desirable. You don’t need therapy. You need to get your ass out there and start dating. It’s as cliche as it is true, but nothing gets you over the last one like the next one.
I wish I could “thumbs up” this several times.
Yes, yes, yes.
I can relate to your behavior, I definitely keep way-too-close an eye on some ex’s sometimes. It sounds like you would benefit from a break from social-media all together. Get rid of your twitter, facebook, google searches…except for your essentials (like e-mail) just STOP going online for a couple months. After sometime has passed, you can return, but I am guessing you will kick the online-stalking habit. Good luck!
I went through something similar, although I had dated by evil ex for 2 years and stalked him for a loooooong time afterwards. What helped me move on was just. moving on, even when I didn’t feel like it. I stopped talking about him, this was before facebook but I would have de friended him. I did have his email password and was checking his email, stopped that as well. I also did all sorts of activities to keep my self busy and find new and more interesting friends, mostly through joining all types of clubs at school and trying new groups I knew he wouldn’t have approved of before. I also went on dates, even though I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. It was hard and sometimes I felt like a total fraud but it did help because it reminded me I was a desirable, independent and fun person as well. After a much shorter time than I would have expected I stopped obsessing, even though I still thought of him often. I then started thinking of him less often and now, 9 years later, I only think of him in context to an event or when telling a story.
Make your own life and memories where he is not involved in any way and you will have less reason to think of him. Then fake not caring until it is true. And quit torturing yourself by stalking him and his girlfriends! That is the hardest part because there is nothing stopping you but you. Just remember you are independent and worthwhile for yourself, not because of what he thought of you.
Unless you have been stalking this ex for the past 48 years i don’t know how comparable your situation is to the LW’s. I just think the emotional investment in a relationship of 2 years is HUGELY different from that of just one month.
I think you can be just as emotionally invested, you just won’ have as much history; some people get close to people much faster than others. And intense emotions can happen anytime. You can have your heart broken by a guy you dated for a week or for a year.
I wish that wasn’t true, but unfortunately it is.
One practical thing I’d say is to plan what you’re going to do when the thoughts/obsessions about him pop up. Do you tend to scour the internet late at night looking for dirt on him? Make a rule that you’ll get off the computer at 10 and get out a good book, watch a movie, or call a friend. Are there places you can’t go without being reminded of him? Make new memories there, or cut your losses and decide you just can’t deal with going to [x place] right now.
But I really think you need to do some introspection, either with a therapist or alone. I find that for me personally, I tend to latch onto something to obsess over when I’m really avoiding thinking about something else. So I’ll obsess about every detail of a relationship (past or present) because that’s “comfortable” instead of facing my real worries about my career, family stuff, whatever. Is there an issue in your life that you’re afraid to face head-on? The diversions are only keeping you stuck spinning your wheels without moving forward.
Good luck!
Literally, I just read this quote from J.Lo on her impending divorce and I thought that it kind of sums of the feeling of leaving behind an unhealthy relationship and moving forward:
“Really the most important relationship that you have is with yourself. Life is really about change. And sometimes that can be scary. But the truth is, you have to do that. You have to push yourself so you can breakthrough your own boundaries and try new things and do new things.”
This is completely unrelated but… J Lo is getting divorced? Where in the world have I been?
My theory is that she will be the Elizabeth Taylor of our generation, just with less talent.
When you obsess over a guy who’s long gone, it definitely has more to do with you than the guy. I think sometimes the inability to get over someone from the past has to do with the fear of moving on and starting over (as Wendy indicated).
There is something comforting and familiar with holding on to a past relationship, even if it was a bad one.
The prospect of being with someone new is scary and unfamiliar because that ‘new’ person is a mystery until you meet them!
In order to get over an ex, you have to be willing to DO THE WORK to get through it. And it is work! It might mean going to therapy, as others have suggested. It might also mean having some discipline and challenging yourself to do other things to keep you distracted and pushing forward. It won’t be easy at first, but once you start taking little steps to move on (like deleting and blocking his online profiles for starters) you will begin to feel better. Pretty much, you just have to decide that you’ve had enough and you want to move…and then you will…
Good luck!
I’ve had times when I’ve felt really obsessed with a crush. I think the easiest way to get over it is to date that person for longer than a month because then their flaws come rushing to the surface and you can’t idealize them anymore, but obviously that’s not practical or applicable to this situation. I think it helps to focus on reasons why you wouldn’t be compatible with that person. Seems like you already have a list of reasons. Just imagine yourself dating him and that he’s cheating on you all the time, how that would feel and how you would probably want out of the realtionship at that point. I had an obsessive crush on a guy who sounds a little like your ex. He went through a lot of women and cheated on most of them. I was so into him *at first*. I ended up dating him for two years, becoming aquainted with all his faults- he had many- and I ended up breaking up with him because I felt like he wasn’t trustworthy. What I’m saying is, I probally could have saved myself a lot of time and tears by just really focusing on what I knew about him from the begginning. I was attracted to him because I thought he was a free spirit, but I soon found out that there’s a fine line between free spirited and being a totally irresponsible crazy pants. Lesson learned.
I went thru a similar situation a year ago. I found that getting rid of Facebook really helped, too, and it’s funny how much I don’t miss it at all now. Therapy is fine if that’s your thing- personally, I can’t stand the idea. Also, I know people say it a lot, but try to find something else to focus on. Try volunteering- I found walking dogs at the humane society to really help take my mind off my sad patheticness. Plus, it’s hard to be sad and depressed when there’s a puppy in your face demanding some belly rubs and lovin’. Focusing your attention on other people’s needs helps you get some perspective. Make a committement to something else and stick with it. If a volunteer opportunity requires 10 hours a month, sign up for 15. And don’t crap out. Just a suggestion.
You should definitaly get rid of all ties to this guy, because just having that access to view his personal life is like having a double chocolate cheesecake in the fridge when your on a diet; torture. I also agree with Wendy and the other commenters about seeing a therapist. Also one thing that helps me getting over people (and it may not work for some) is too remind myself about all the wrong the guy did to me, or why we broke up because why would you want to be with someone like that?
What you’re doing is torturing yourself.
Stop doing that, which obviously hurts.
To help you with that, envision that bat-shit-crazy chick we all have stories to warn others to stay clear of. See what I mean…? Good.
Don’t be her. Otherwise, have fun with your life!
I went through something similar before I started dating my current boyfriend. I was obsessed with one of my best friends for like 2 and a half years. The thing is, he was pretty awesome. I thought he was perfect for me. He was also the first guy I really, really liked…and he liked me too, but not enough to ask me out. It really messed me up, and the only way I was able to get over it was by starting dating my current boyfriend. I don’t know if it’s the best idea for you to start dating right now, but it worked for me because I was so sick of thinking about this guy when I met my current boyfriend. Meeting him helped me realize that there would be other guys that I would be attracted to, something that I had been afraid of. I am not attracted to guys very easily at all, so I was afraid of never finding anyone else.
If you’re afraid of that, LW, please don’t be. There are plenty of wonderful guys who would LOVE to be with you, if you just give them that chance.
BTW, this reminded me of an article on TF that I saw – – maybe it could help you? It’s worth a read. Best of luck!!!
Kind of a similar situation went through middle and high school being best friends with a guy, nothing more and within the past year, I started realizing I was really starting to like him, however he has a girlfriend and so I forced myself to just get out there and date other guys and not allow myself to think about him!
Why can’t it just be as easy as the guys liking us when we like them and everything ends up happily ever after?! hahaha 🙂
I was in a somewhat similar situation because I was obsessed with a friend of mine in college for over a year. He was the most amazing person I had ever met! (so I thought). After about a year, it turned into a FWB situation and then a few months later we had a fight and he told me he didn’t want to talk to me again. I was depressed for the better part of the next year.
Therapy helped. I also wouldn’t suggest jumping into a new relationship right away. I think it’s useful to come to terms with yourself as a whole, unattached person before being in a couple. Sure, flirt and go out, get used to the idea of people being attracted to you, but don’t get into anything serious until you’re in a healthier state of mind, where you know who you are completely separate from this person and your obsession with him.
I truly hope this letter is fake, but if it’s not:
You dated a guy for 1-2 months (??) he “professed his love for you” then dumped your ass, that was two years ago & you STILL can’t get over him???
Girrrl, if this isn’t fake I hope you are no older than 18!
Stop stalking him, stop thinking about him, pretty much, get a life!
Delete him from all your social networks, etc… & pretend he doesn’t exist.
It’s not EVER going to happen again! & if he did come back to you, why on EARTH would you subject yourself to more torture?
Maybe you haven’t dated since because you’re too busy wallowing & obsessing over this guy. WELL STOP!
Get. Over. It
That’s really harsh. I dated a guy 10 years ago (albeit when I was 18) for 2 months (and then off and on for two years)and we were deeply, tragically in love until we broke up/he cheated on me/college drama. He’s now married (for 2 years, maybe?) and I’m living with my BF. But when I thought I saw him in my city last week, I looked him up on facebook to see if he had moved here, and I saw him and his pretty, incredibly pregnant wife — and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that, and my thoughts are not nice thoughts, and I haven’t been able to get him off my mind. I feel like I’m never going to stop feeling that way about this guy and he was a horrible human being. So two years after we broke up? I was still a wreck and still knew deep down that I still loved him, even though I hated it. Some people are just like that, and nothing can make it go away, or at least nothing I’ve tried.
You don’t have to want to “wallow[]” or “obsess[]” over the guy to do it, and you can’t just stop. and you can get over him, and move on, never look him up and say you don’t care, but whenever anyone brings his name up, it will still hit you. Not sure what she’s supposed to do about that.
Ok. You had a two year, two month relationship, that does not compare to a month. A two year relationship ending in cheating & dumping, I would say, is a *little* more serious than a 4 week fling.
Whether or not you can’t stop thinking about your ex because you saw him with his very pretty wife, well, I wouldn’t exactly be giving you the same advice.
If you read the letter correctly you’d realize that it was not me that said she was “wallowing & obsessing”, she herself admitted to the act. Therefore, my advice is harsh, because even though I know it’s difficult when it comes to love, I find it ridiculous to waste TWO YEARS of your life obsessing over a person (you barely knew) & dated for a month. I would say the same thing to anyone.
I think it’s pretty obvious that she hasn’t dated since, because she’s so fixated on this one guy & making obsessive fantasies about him.
In order to snap her out of it, I was harsh. I think sometimes you have to be harsh to get through to people.
Exactly, she has already admitted she is wallowing and is acknowledging a problem and seeking constructive advise for how to proceed. Harshness is sometimes appropriate when giving advise, but this girl isn’t hurting anyone but herself, and repeating back to her what she has already admitted is hardly helpful.
I hardly repeated back to her, I simply let her know that a very likely reason she hasn’t gotten over it is because of the way she’s carried herself.
I’ll agree that the top line of my post was a little too much, maybe the last one too. But I stand by what I said. I pretty much said the same thing everyone else said, just with a little more attitude. However the intention was the same…
Just for clarity (and so it didn’t seem my response was just my latent desire to talk about myself, thought maybe it was a little), we only “dated” for two months, when I found out he was cheating on me (with one of my best friends). Which lead to dumping and crying and taking back and dumping and crying and “moving on” and hooking up and dumping and crying, mostly in one week increments at first (each week got a -ing) and then on to more sporadic contact . This is the guy when I saw his WIFE was PREGNANT, it was like someone knocked the wind out of me.
i learned something in therapy that may help you, LW. it’s called “thought stopping.” whenever you catch yourself thinking or daydreaming about this guy, tell yourself “STOP.” say it out loud if it helps. concentrate on thinking of a big stop sign. then replace the thought of the guy with something more pleasant – a day at the beach, for example. the trick is, you have to know beforehand what your replacement thought is going to be, so you can have it ready. after doing this a few times, it gets easier to control your thoughts. practicing meditation can also be really helpful for learning to clear your head.
HOWEVER, please do not take this advice, and then decide that you don’t need to see a therapist. because you do. i promise, you will benefit from it, and probably relatively quickly. look for someone with experience in cognitive-behavioral techniques.
According to cognitive behavioral therapy, obsessions are due to cognitive distortions – irrational thinking patterns that are fundamentally rooted in an assumption that goes so far back you’re not sure when you made it. These assumptions often have deeply painful implications, which is why the distress from something can linger far longer than it appears it should.
One way to tease out the faulty painful assumption is to consciously ask yourself “why” and challenge your own justifications, debunk them with rationality, and replace them with more logical thoughts.
For example, when my ex moved on very quickly, I also Facebook-stalked him. If I had known how to question my irrational assumptions, it would’ve gone like:
“Why do I keep looking up his girlfriend on Google and following him on Facebook?
I’m comparing myself to his new girl.
Why do I compare myself with her?
I want to know if she makes him happier than I could, if she’s prettier or friendlier or in any way better than me.
Why do I care if he thinks she’s better than me, especially since I don’t want to date him?
If she’s better than me, and I’m not even good enough for a jerk like him, that must mean I’m really unworthy.
Why does it matter if I’m unworthy?
It means I will never be loved by anyone, not even jerks.”
That last line about “never being loved” is the cognitive distortion – it’s both the source of the pain (a condemnation to a lonely life!), AND it’s also highly irrational. How am I so sure no one will ever love me? I have no crystal ball, I don’t know what guys may think of me, and to try to predict other people’s thoughts or future actions is irrational. The more rational thought to replace it with is, “I can’t guarantee someone will love me or not, but there’s always the possibility that it will happen, independent of my past history.”
Once you uncover the distortion and recognize the warped thinking behind it, it loses its hold on you because you can’t believe in it anymore.
1. Block him on social networks RIGHT NOW.
2. Delete all pictures you have of him saved on your computer and tear all the hard copies up. Don’t think, just tear. (You can maybe save that one picture of him where his eyes are cross eyed and he has a double chin and he just looks awful.)
3. Burn all the love letters he wrote you 2 years ago. Oh, there aren’t any? That’s right… remember he never really cared about you!
3. Write down a list of all the negative things about this guy (I mean ALL the negatives… from “manipulative, egotistical jerkoff” to “chubby ankles”) and read it every time you begin to fantasize about him.
4. Date someone else. Date lots of someone elses. Sign up on all the free dating sites, pay Wendy to write a kickass profile, WHATEVER IT TAKES just go on lots of dates with lots of guys!
5. When some of those dates are inevitably bad, laugh about it and know you have a few hilarious “bad date” stories to tell your friends.
6. Learn to do something new. Something you never ever thought you’d ever do. Drive a stick shift, make sushi, go skydiving, learn to tap dance… It will feel amazing.
Fake it until one day in the near future, you’re on a date with a fabulous guy, making sushi for him (that you never thought you’d ever be able to do!) and you see this crumpled piece of paper in the corner of your eye, peeking out of your purse, entitled “Rob is the Worst Human Being On The Planet.” You smile to yourself as you toss the paper in the trash bin and get back to rolling sushi with the hottie standing next to you.
Loved your post sobriquet. It gave me hope.