“Is it Grief or Is He Just Not Into Me?”
Though I felt a bit uncomfortable with it, I knew right away I had to (and wanted to be) the person that would be by his side, though we had only begun to get serious. (I had never met his family beyond brief introductions.) I attended everything with him, giving him space but letting him know I was there if he needed me. He wanted me over nearly every night, contacted me frequently, and I could tell he really appreciated my being there for him. His mother, obviously completely distraught, started to lean on him, her only child, for many things. He is living with her. And I know this is necessary.
The thing is, it’s been just over a month now since his father passed, and things have changed between us. We still speak daily and see each other multiple times a week, but there is an obvious change in the dynamic between us. I am worried you will judge me as sounding selfish for feeling this way, but I feel this is a very hard situation to be in when one’s trying to develop a new relationship.
I’m struggling with knowing the difference between him being distant because he’s upset about his father or whether he’s just not feeling the relationship anymore. We haven’t discussed his father at all because I feel it is his choice to bring it up when he’s ready and I’m not going to initiate it. (He was not someone to wear his heart on his sleeve to begin with).
I think at this point I am kind of an escape for him, someone to make him smile and take his mind off what he’s feeling. I feel sad for him all the time and wish he’d be more vulnerable, but I know that everyone experiences grief differently and this may just be how he’s responding. I really like him and want to stick this out, but my insecurities are telling me he is pulling away.
Do you think I’m wrong for feeling this way? — Dating Grief
There are major stressors in life that are bound to affect, if not totally change, relationships and top among them is a death in the family. That your relationship has been affected by death so early on, before you had a chance to create much of a foundation, is tough, but it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. There are three C’s you need for your relationship to succeed: compatibility, compassion and communication. Any relationship has to have them — among other things — to succeed, but in a situation like yours, you need an extra big dose of each.
First, you need to figure out whether you’re truly compatible. If you’ve been friends for several months and hit it off as soon as you started dating, that may give you some indication that you are. Do you enjoy doing the same things? Do you have fun together? Do you always have stuff to talk about? Maybe it’s hard to answer these questions while your boyfriend is grieving, but in the moments he “escapes” his grief in your company, ask yourself those questions.
Something that your boyfriend will need now more than ever is your compassion. And part of that means reserving judgment and analysis of his feelings. It would be understandable if you decided that this is all a bit too much for you and you’d rather go back to being friends until he’s had a little more time to process his father’s death.
If you do decide to stick things out a few months, you have to allow your boyfriend to express himself in whatever way he’s able. So much of his emotional reserve is being used up in the grief compartment. That doesn’t mean he can’t or doesn’t have feelings for you; it simply means he may not have the means to express them in a way you want them expressed. Be patient. Be compassionate. Give his grief time to settle.
Finally, you need to communicate. Don’t wait for your boyfriend to initiate discussions — especially ones about your relationship. He’s probably worried that you feel like you HAVE to stay with him now, out of pity or whatever. Maybe he feels guilty that he isn’t very much fun at the moment. Maybe he’s afraid he’s going to lose you — this person he felt great potential with — because he isn’t able to be the sort of partner he’d like to be.
He has plenty of reasons to feel insecure and to want to protect himself, which may account for any “pulling away” you might be feeling. If you care about him and want to see if this relationship can go somewhere, tell him that. Tell him you have different expectations now than you did before his father passed away suddenly, but they still include spending time together and getting to know one another.
You need to understand and accept that he probably won’t be able to give you the kind of attention and focus you’d get if he weren’t grieving. This may be especially hard since the attention he gave you in the beginning was one of the things you liked most about being with him. The upside, though, is that the intensity of his grief will eventually lessen.
The emotional reserve he devotes to it will begin to be redirected, and if you are a compassionate person with whom he’s compatible, much of that emotional reserve will be redirected to you, this woman who stuck it out through the hard times so early on, and your bond will be stronger for it.
And if you decide that you can’t be with someone who isn’t able to direct his attention to you now, that’s fine. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human. You’re in a tough position. Be kind to yourself. Recognize your own limitations and act accordingly. Just make sure you’ll be able to live with the “What if?” question you’re bound to ask yourself if you bail now.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Wendy, this is one of the best responses I’ve ever read from you.
I 100% agree with Wendy.
To me, it sounds like your relationship has a chance of coming back from this, and if you’ve got the 3 C’s Wendy mentioned, I’d say to try to stick it out.
I’ve never lost a parent, but I can tell you with 100% certainty, that if/when I do, I’m going to be over my head in grief for way longer than a month. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is still very much in mourning- I wouldn’t read into it too much.
I lost a grandparent 6 years ago and some days the grief is overwhelming still 😔
Very sad, and a very tough situation to be in. I’m glad Wendy is here to answer something like this.
While I think that your boyfriend (of three months) is still very much mourning his father, and stepping into the head male role of his family, I also think you are a bit clingy – if I’ve read the letter correctly.
Let things take their course. Ease up and just be there. If the relationship works, it works. You can’t force something when one party is mourning the loss of someone significant in their life.
The only thing I would add is that, while grief is a separate issue from your relationship, you can use it as a learning opportunity. You are learning things about how he functions under stress, and how he handles horrible events. As for how to distinguish grief from his feelings for you – don’t be afraid to bring things up sometimes. For example, if he seems sullen, you could ask if he’s got something on his mind. Sometimes grieving people need permission to talk about what’s going on – especially with someone fairly new. Don’t specifically mention his father, just in case he wasn’t thinking about him. And don’t ask “what’s wrong?” because it could come across that you don’t see the death as a big deal anymore. Direct your questions to what is going on with him at that moment, without making suggestions, and you should be fine. Good luck, LW!
“The thing is, it’s been just over a month now since his father passed, and things have changed between W and me. We still speak daily and see each other multiple times a week, but there is an obvious change in the dynamic between us.”
It’s only been a month since his father died unexpectedly, and while your boyfriend isn’t as attentive to you as he was previously, he’s not withdrawn from you as evidenced by the fact that you speak daily and see one another multiple times a week. He is clearly still interested in you, but you need to be sensitive to the fact that he’s dealing with a lot right now. Life doesn’t go back to normal the minute the funeral is over, and not only is he dealing with his own emotions, as the only child, his mother is leaning on him a great deal, as well.
Be patient, and like Wendy said, his grief will lessen over time.
LW, my father died unexpectedly (heart attack), and I can share how his death affected me. It’s funny, I had called him that morning, at 7:15 am on my way to work. My mom said he was taking the trash out but that he was on his way back in – she could see him through the window walking up the driveway – if I wanted to wait a second. I said, nah, it’s ok, I just got to work and am about to hop in an elevator, I will call him later. I got to my office, took my coat off, got coffee, and at 7:30 am my mom called me back to say my dad had had a heart attack, he was being put in an ambulence right then, and I should come home right away.
I’m sure everyone reacts to death differently, but, if your boyfriend is anything like me, maybe this will help: The initial days / first couple of weeks after my father’s death was hard but NOT the hardest. In hindsight, it was the easiest (or least hard) part of grieving. You’re so busy crying and making plans and taking time off work to be with family that, though you don’t know it yet, it hasn’t hit you. It hasn’t hit you at all yet. The stage where your boyfriend is – one month later – was the hardest for me. Everything is supposed to go back to “normal” – and everything looks “normal” – but you’re not normal. Sure, you’re not crying every day anymore. You’re functioning. Looking at you, no one could tell your father died a month ago. The visitors, the cards, the meals from friends, the time with family, the time with nothing to do but think about the good times, your bereavement leave, etc. — all that ends. And you’re back to work, back to living, back to normal.
That’s when it was the hardest for me but you couldn’t tell. I went out, I made plans with friends, I laughed, I ate, but I was kind of numb. I remember a friend commenting, “Gosh, you’re handling this so well, you’re so strong, I’d be a mess,” but I grieving, I was a mess on the inside. I mean, at some point, you stop crying — it’s impossible to cry all the time — but that doesn’t mean you’re not affected or that you’re not a mess. And for someone like me – I was insanely close with my father – I talked to him about everything and turned to him for advice and validation for everything, more or less – it was, and still is, really hard. I also had NO interest in intimacy for months. I’m not really sure why. I think a part of me felt guilty for enjoying life.
I would guess you’re boyfriend is at his lowest right now. He’s also probably doing a lot of soul searching. A couple months after my dad died, I had a lot of “what’s the point of life?” thoughts. What’s the point of living in this city if I’m not near family? If I were to die tomorrow, would I be happy I spent the last few years in this office? What do I really want out of life? … I know it sounds cliche, but death forces you to have these big life discussions with yourself.
Wow, that was a long comment. And with most of my comments, I’m not sure what the point was, other than to share my experience. And to echo what others have said more succinctly: it’s only been one month; your boyfriend is probably at his lowest right now. …
I think your comment will help the LW immensely – thank you for sharing, and I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry for your loss, Addie. And thank you for sharing this. You described my experience better than I’ve been able to articulate and it’s been 9 years since my mom died suddenly. We were extremely close, talking on the phone nearly every day and the person I called about anything and everything in my life. That initial mourning period was like a fog for me. I was so focused on organizing the funeral and grieving with my family that the loss itself hadn’t hit me. When I went back to work and fell into my routine, I realized just how different my life was. For me, there was that sense that things were supposed to be normal but there was a new normal and I didn’t like it. I’d go out with my friends and they’d be laughing and I was a mess inside. And as time went on and I was still struggling, I felt guilty for not being happy or for wanting to talk about it more and so I clammed up and put a fake smile on my face. My close friends obviously saw through this and encouraged me to talk to them (giving me the permission I felt I needed). It took me a long time to come to terms with what happened but it is still hard to not have her here with me.
LW, Wendy’s advice is spot on and Addie’s insight is wonderful. Show your bf some compassion and understand that he may just be, as Addie mentions, at his lowest right now. Grief is messy and there aren’t always clearcut answers for why someone is acting or feeling a certain way. Be patient with him during this difficult time.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I’m so sorry for your loss. I imagine you’re still feeling the loss in many ways. I too, feel a lot of anger in addition to/in place of sadness sometimes and it’s kind of unsettling. I hope your comments help the LW.
“I think a part of me felt guilty for enjoying life.” Yes, that’s what I came here to comment. I had this reaction, too. Everything was colored by their deaths (mom, dad, sister) so that I just couldn’t figure out how to do anything. If I laughed, I immediately felt like I betrayed them somehow. You know in your head that it’s not right, that they wouldn’t want that, but it’s hard to break out of that loop. Grief is hard and it’s personal and there is only so much others can do to help you.
Addie Pray, my experience with my father’s death was similar to yours. He passed away in May of last year. I’m surprised at how often I think about him, especially since he and I were not very close. (Typing this is making me cry at work.)
I guess my point was that the death of a parent us hard.
Thank you for sharing this Addie. I’m so sorry for the loss of your father.
Thanks for sharing, AP! It’s definitely a useful perspective. I’m so sorry about your dad, but your insights ring pretty true. From what I’ve experienced and what I’ve seen others go through, it’s facing going on with everyday life without that person in it that is the roughest, especially because you’re required both socially and professionally, to re-engage by a certain date.
LW here. Thanks for your honest and thoughtful response. (And that goes for all the other great advice as well.) I still don’t know the best way to phrase it, but I am sorry for your personal loss.
Reading over my submission now, it is about two weeks since I sent it – I already have a different outlook on the situation. His “distance” comes in waves, but in between we have periods of intense closeness too. He still is very closed off about his feelings. Soon after I wrote I tried to lightly bring up the topic of both how he was dealing with the death of his father and also how he felt about us. I didn’t get much of a verbal response. But he continues to show me that he does indeed want to continue a relationship, and despite this awful situation we can both make each other happy.
You seem to be handling this really maturely!
I had two things I wanted to add:
1. He is numb and it will take time for him to thaw out.
2. You can ask him if there’s anything he needs, or wants, or doesn’t want right now. He might want more time alone, or less. He might want to be silent while you’re together, or talk a blue streak. He might want to go out with you and get hammered. He might want permission to be & seem really angry or depressed.
Ask him.
Your comment about not being interested in intimacy brought back memories. My husband and I had only been married 13 months when his mother passed away. We knew it was a possibility because she had cancer but it still happened suddenly.
Both of us were young and this was my first real experience with death of a close family member so I didn’t know how to be supportive.
I remember being puzzled that he wasn’t interested in intimacy but I didn’t push. The next year my father passed away suddenly so it was his turn to be supportive of me.
Like everyone on here has said, be available and be compassionate and don’t push. Let him grieve in his own way.
My husband´s mother died 15 months ago, after a long fight against cancer (she was first diagnosed about 8 years earlier). Before her death she was a month in ICU, unconscious. So everyone knew it was coming, but still when she passed away it hit the whole family hard.
As I´ve mentioned before, my husband is terribly noncommunicative (more closed than a doll´s butt as one of his friends says), and even today there are times when he goes into our room by himself to cry or just to be alone for a while, and I know I have to respect that, even though I´m more the talk it out type of person.
LW, your BF not only lost his father, but he lost him in a terrible, sudden way, without time to actually process beforehand that it was happening. What he needs now is time, to process, to mourn, to be with his family. In your place i think I would talk to him, saying that as much as I would love to be with him, that it was entirely up to him what he needs/wants in this hard time. Maybe he needs some space, maybe he´d rather you stay with him. But I believe it is his decision.
When my husband and I lost 2 people within a month last January and February, everything changed. After the initial grief brought us closer together, the more longterm grieving separated us for a time….
After the funerals, the tears, and the conversations, I went one way and my husband went the other. I felt that there was never a better time to live life–I wanted to seize each and every day and live my life for the people who had passed. My husband on the other hand, felt dejected about life and it began to all seem to random and meaningless for him. He struggled so very deeply with depression, and I felt at such a loss.
Everyone will react differently to grief. Some people will be completely changed by it. My husband and I were both very changed by our experiences and it changed the very nature of our marriage. You are in the beginning of a relationship, and I think that Wendy’s advice is very sound. But know that this will take a while to settle and more than anything be patient.
Maybe even trying to getting to know him like he’s a new person–talking and stuff like that. Most of all, don’t lose your confidence because of this. His reactions may be different and he may be buried in grief, but you are still the same, and your being there probably means the world to him.
LW, i havent ever had an experience with losing someone, but i can imagine that a month is not enough time to be better again… i mean really, if you look at just a relationship, a month is usually not enough time to get over just that (they use that term- grieving the loss of the relationship), and this is so much more. i mean try to imagine a relationship that had lasted your entire life and then ended suddenly. and then change the dynamics of a relationship to one of a parent/child… one month just isnt enough time. i think wendy has amazing advice and so did people on here who have gone through it… take that to heart and just try to put yourself in his shoes. would you be able to re-engage after a month? i know i wouldnt…
I think it’s also good to take into account this is your boyfriends first holiday season without his dad, on top of him dying very recently. My husband lost his dad to cancer in March. Six months later he seemed to be doing pretty well. Once November and December rolled around, well, he’s been a total mess. Neither one of us realized the holidays would be so hard to get through… This is probably a double whammy for your bf. Be as compassionate and patient as possible. Even if you don’t end up with this guy forever, you are doing a wonderful thing for him by being his support system through this extremely difficult time.
My mother passed away almost 10 years ago. While she had been sick much of my life, and had been in and out of the hospital for over a year before she passed, it still felt sudden. I had just started dating someone I was friends with, and I still remember how strong he was for me during that time. I also remember being a wreck also after the first month, once things had returned to being routine. In my case, I was emotionally erratic, and he knew to be patient with me, and you need to do the same here. He is still coming to you and that is huge. If I’ve learned anything about guys is that they rarely do things they don’t want to. Like with all new relationships, give this time.
This helped alot, Im 18 and my boyfriend is 21 and his father just passed away out of the blue. I really appreciate you taking time to explain how to make it work and if were not comfortable how to let them know.
Hello, im 19 yrs. old and my boyfriends father passed away on our 2 month anniversary from a sudden heart attack. I knew i had to be there for him (and wanted to). I didn’t really know his dad, or anyone else in his family, so going to the funeral was really awkward for me; but i knew i had to go. For him. Its been three months now and my boyfriend still seems distant.
I feel relieved that i found this letter and response, because i really don’t know how to deal with this. When i read this letter, it felt like someone knew exactly what i was going through. Wendy’s response is going to help me so much. I just feel like some of this weight is lifted. I only hope that we will get through this and his pain will subside, because it kills me to see him this way.
Please please talk to him about his Dad, it’s the weirdest thing ever when people close to you treat it like an elephant in the room and will likely feel to him that you have no understanding or just don’t care what he’s going thru
My sister died suddenly a few months into a new relationship. My partner was so incredibly caring and was my rock. He supported my whole family in practical ways plus emotional support. My love for him grew through this time and I knew he’d be with me no matter what life threw at us. I married him and since then we’ve lost many close family members and friends. We’re still each other’s rock