“Is My Husband as Bad as He Seems?”
My husband never came to any of my appointments when I was pregnant or did much home improvement to prepare. I was really sick and couldn’t do much. I guess I have a fair amount of residual resentment from that. He’s been an involved parent since the kids were born — helps with nights, watches them when I work, buys lots of toys, obviously loves them – but rarely changes any diapers when I’m home, or bathes them, or brushes their teeth, or clips their nails, or helps feed them, and he doesn’t pay attention to their tired cues or enforce bedtime unless they’re literally screaming from exhaustion. He calls them jerks, stupid, and tells them to shut up. I’d say for at least six months after they were born, he didn’t clean at all.
My husband does drive them an extra half hour each way to his parents’ house when we need them for childcare, and he comes home early when he can if I need help. I take them to my parents’ for dinner once a week, so he has that night off completely. I have also taken them camping, to weekend activities, and on walks, etc., so he has time off. I can count the free evenings and times he’s taken them places without me on one hand. He doesn’t contribute more monetarily to the house than I do.
Recently, he’s been telling me that I act like I do so much more than he does, that he has a long commute and doesn’t get any free time (he literally said this after I left the house with the babies on a Saturday before 8 and came back at noon), and how dare I ask if I can have an evening off to see a friend, because I didn’t explicitly offer to give him a free evening in return.
I feel like I am doing all the cooking, almost all the cleaning (he’ll do 15 minutes a day sometimes), and the majority of the childcare, while making sure he gets time off. He also likes to throw in my face that we only live where we do because it’s where I wanted to live, which is true, but he only brings it up when he’s mad, and he has never mentioned wanting to move or being unhappy here.
What I’m wondering is: Am I crazy for feeling stonewalled/taken advantage of/like he refuses to put in work or wants to be a family? Am I blowing this out of proportion? I think about leaving him all the time, but it breaks my heart to think about not seeing the kids all the time. — Losing My Mind
I hardly ever do this but: leave him. There are a million reasons to leave him and two of them are your twins and their well-being. Find a lawyer and get all your ducks in a row, figure out what you want to ask for and how best to protect your children and your assets and then leave him. You are NOT crazy, you are not blowing this out of proportion. Your husband is abusive and emotionally manipulative and the top priority is protecting your babies and yourself in whatever ways legal counsel suggests is most appropriate. If you can swing it, find a good therapist to guide you through this transition, and lean in to your community and family for support. You’re going to have a lot to juggle, but you can do this and the three of you will be so much better off for your courage.
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It will only get worse-as if it could. He is not a partner. Please leave before you burn out, collapse or get sick. He sounds horrible. My heart goes out to you.
They live where she wanted to live, he works full time with an hour commute, (she seems to think that jobs grow on trees and he should simply get another one) while she works two days a week. They had the kids that she wants, when she wanted them but she still feels resentful that he didn’t remodel the home while she was sick and laid up… she would be doing him a favor !
This couple definitely has a communication problem (among other things)! Suggesting this woman break up her family without even addressing that and thier dire need for some professional intervention/counciling is careless and a disservice to the children involved. You are off base on this one, Wendy. It’s actually a bit alarming that you are giving out advice like this.
Does abuse have to be physical for it to be a reason to “break up” a family? This man is verbally abusing his babies and his wife. This is WAY more than a communication problem.
Hes rightly resentful of her at this point…
The verbally abuse and name calling towards the children is a deal breaker. The fact that you don’t see that is astonishing.
He’s abusive. Abusers don’t deserve extra chances, especially when there are children involved. How long should they endure his treatment until it’s enough? How much does he get to mess up those kids before you’d be satisfied?
When a woman is in an abusive relationship counseling is not advisable. In many ways it can exacerbate the abuse and make things worse. We may not know all of this women specific details, but she’s getting good advice. One way to figure out if you were an abusive relationship is to look at the wheel of power and control.
Thats good advice, actually. Does she seem to make all of the major decisi9ns to suit herself and then demand that he rearrange his entire life to suit, looe where they live and wether or not to have kids for example ?
It’s a disservice to the children that he’s calling them jerks, stupid, and tells them to shut up!
Personally, as one of these women, I am
Disturbed by your response and why it is appropriate to stay in a relationship with abuse.
I am glad I was one of “this woman “. I am a person of value and I don’t let people shut me down. I found the hard & depressing way that I am a much better person when I live by my personal worth values.
I agree with you! The only red flag I saw was calling his children names, That needs to be explored.
The other examples take place during arguments, That time period brings out the worst in all people . These two need counseling.
They both desire time away from the twins. Mixed messages about who is responsible for what.
An excellent counselor and motivation to work on the marriage could avoid divorce court as the only solution.
Wendy only knows the wife’s perspective.
Nothing at all about the husband or his perception of what is going on.
He wasn’t “joking”. He was being passive aggressive and abusive. He was fully telling the truth.
Hes also not a good husband or father. You are being over backwards, giving him “nights off” and he isn’t even touching the bare minimum of parent participation.
You need an immediate divorce. Hes a punk and he won’t change. You also need to demand a 50/50 custody split, so you get time off and space to rebuild yourself and career.
He will not change. No amount of therapy, begging, crying, screaming changes entitled men who are like this.
Sorry, but she should get 100% custody. Sounds like he doesn’t want the kids (and never did) and he doesn’t need to be calling them jerks without someone to intervene on their behalf. I mean, who calls a 1½ year old a jerk?!?!
No way should he get 50% custody when he’s verbally abusing them. Supervised visitation maybe, if he can behave himself.
He should NOT get 50% custody! He is verbally abusive to them as babies & that will only get worse. How could you even think that he needs them 50% of the time?! As a nurse she doesn’t have to work to build her career. It is right there waiting for her. She might need to relocate to be closer to family if they are able & willing to help her. But, I have to tell all of you that having been through something VERY similar with my daughter depending on where you live the courts don’t give a darn about verbal abuse & even neglect. My grandson was neglected, left alone with a burning fire pit last year when he was 2 & fell into it receiving burns that needed skin grafts. We are still dealing with them & visitation has never been stopped or even paused! Despite the father’s story of what happened changing multiple times. Don’t count on the courts caring the way you think they will. Unless he out & out doesn’t want any visitation he will get it & probably 50/50. The courts are very big on father’s having “rights” currently. The best route would be to go to counseling & have it documented by a therapist that yes he says these things & treats the children this way. That he is unwilling to change & thinks that it is perfectly acceptable. That custody would be extremely detrimental to the kids & it should be short visits only at least for the time being while they are so hands on. The court MIGHT listen but it might not. Mom also needs to get recordings of him saying these things. Even videos to show his expressions etc. She needs much more than just her saying this is what he does. She HAS to prove it. Even then the court can ignore it. My daughter took in text messages where he ex admitted to doing things, admitted to lying & the court ignored it all. So it is NOT cut & dried that this will end up well & those babies might be forced to go with him without mom there to protect them. It might be mom has to deal with this another couple of years until the kids are big enough to tell her what is happening when they are there.
The small crumbs he throws you aren’t enough to stay, and without a doubt, verbally abusing the children is enough to end this marriage on the spot. The emotional abuse isn’t far behind and it will mess those kids up for life. Refuse to let your kids become his verbal punching bags. Woman up, and leave. Once you’re free and clear you’ll wonder why you waited this long to do it.
Wendy is 100% right on the mark here. It’ll only get worse and verbally abusing BABIES is a deal-breaker every time. Get out now!
Sorry, but she should get 100% custody. Sounds like he doesn’t want the kids (and never did) and he doesn’t need to be calling them jerks without someone to intervene on their behalf. I mean, who calls a 1½ year old a jerk?!?!
Another nurse here. And a family attorney’s wife. Yes leave. Yes this is abuse. Yes it probably will escalate.
However, please record him screaming at the kids, calling them names etc before you do. Get your ducks in a row. Otherwise he will get unsupervised visitation and you won’t be around to protect them.
Great advise!
What did I just read? I am in shock if this is a real letter and the writer is so blind as to the level of abuse she is experiencing.
1) What reason does she have to assume her husband was joking when he said he didn’t want kids? He didn’t go to her doctor appointments during her pregnancy, doesn’t do much to care for the children, and regularly says he thinks life would be better if they hadn’t been born.
2) He “obviously loves them” but “calls them jerks, stupid, and tells them to shut up”?
Goodness. Letter writer, I hope you seek support and can get out of this marriage. This is likely to only get worse. Record your husband saying these things and save your money for a lawyer. This man doesn’t love you and he doesn’t love your children. This is not love, and your children should not grow up being spoken to this way.
PS- Perhaps you come from an abusive family, and that is why you think these comments are normal and okay. They aren’t, and if this is the case, it is even more important to seek therapy–for yourself, not as a couple.
You are absolutely right to tell this LW to get her ducks in a row to get out, which indeed you rarely do. To the person who thinks there are communication problems and they need counciling (counselling), what communication skills does a parent who does not attend medical appointments with their partner carrying twins need? He is communicating loud and clear already: he didn’t want children, he calls them stupid jerks, he does the bare minimum (caring for children in her absence), he’s said he is not willing to change his work/commute. Any counsellor worth their salt should confront this and enable them to go their separate ways. Research shows what damages children most is conflict between the parents. So unless she is going to agree with him that they would be better off without those stupid jerks, how exactly would counselling help?
Two years ago, if you’d told me I’d be sitting in my cozy apartment, watching my eight-year-old son build Lego towers on the living room floor while I sip coffee in peace, I’d have laughed—or more likely, cried. Back then, everything was crumbling. My marriage had unraveled slowly, held together only by habit and our shared love for our son, who was turning eight when it all fell apart.
My ex-husband was the breadwinner, always had been. He worked long hours in finance, earning a six-figure salary that afforded us a nice suburban house, Disney vacations, and private school for our son. I was the stay-at-home mom, managing school runs, playdates, and doctor’s appointments. But beneath the perfect facade, I had my struggles. A few years earlier, after losing my mom, I’d spiraled into substance abuse—painkillers, mostly, to numb the grief. It got bad, but I hit rock bottom and got help. Rehab, therapy, the works. By the time we separated, I’d been clean for over a year—sober, steady, and ready to rebuild.
The divorce was messy, but the custody battle was a nightmare. My ex wanted full custody, portraying me as unstable and unfit. His lawyers dug up everything: old prescriptions, ER visits, even anonymous tips from “concerned friends” who were really his family. In court, they twisted my recovery into a liability, calling it a “history of addiction” like it defined me. The judge seemed to lean toward him—stable job, big house, no baggage. I was working part-time at a bookstore, barely getting by, and my lawyer warned we were losing ground. “It’s an uphill battle,” he said. “They see him as the provider.” Preliminary hearings favored him; the guardian ad litem’s report suggested joint custody at best, with him as primary.
I was desperate, falling apart. That’s when a close friend stepped in. We’d known each other since college; she was a free spirit, into yoga, crystals, and what she called “earth-based practices”—witchcraft, essentially, though she never pushed it. One night, over sparkling water, I poured out my heart. “I’m going to lose him. He’s everything to me.” She listened, then cautiously suggested someone she knew—a practitioner, more experienced than her, who’d helped people when odds were stacked against them. “No guarantees,” she said, “but it might shift things in your favor.”
I was skeptical. Raised Catholic, I’d drifted from faith, but desperation opens your mind. She gave me the name of an older woman living on the outskirts of town in a cottage filled with herbs and books. I drove there one rainy afternoon, my son with a sitter. The woman didn’t fit the witch stereotype—no pointy hat, just warm eyes and a knowing smile. We talked for hours about my life, my regrets, my love for my son. She asked for his photo, a lock of my hair, and something of my ex’s—an old tie I’d kept by mistake. She led me through a ritual: candles, incantations in an unfamiliar language, visualizing justice and protection. “The universe listens,” she said. “But you have to fight too.” I left feeling lighter, though I figured it was just emotional release. I paid her a small fee and went home.
The change wasn’t instant, but it started subtly. My ex’s key witness, his sister, backed out last minute, citing a family emergency. Then, at a pivotal hearing, new evidence emerged: text messages from my ex admitting he’d exaggerated my issues to “protect” our son. His lawyers scrambled, but the judge wasn’t impressed. My sobriety tests were spotless, and my therapist’s testimony highlighted my resilience. The case that had been slipping away turned sharply in my favor.
In the end, I got 80-20 custody—my son with me most of the time, weekends and holidays split, but primarily mine. The child support was generous, covering rent, school, and a bit extra for savings. My ex fought it, but the judge was firm: “The child’s best interest is with the parent who’s shown consistent growth and stability.” I was stunned. He grumbled about appeals but eventually backed off, maybe realizing he’d overplayed his hand.
It’s been six months, and life feels possible again. My son is thriving—therapy helped him process the split, and we’ve built routines: pancake Sundays, park adventures, bedtime stories. I don’t know if that woman’s ritual was the turning point or if it was just hard work and luck aligning. My friend swears by it, calls it “manifesting justice.” I keep an open mind. That journey showed me strength I didn’t know I had, and maybe, just maybe, a touch of magic exists. Either way, I’m grateful. My son is safe, happy, and with me. That’s all that matters.
If you are in need of the spell caster services, you can mail him ; [email protected]. He does love spell and the likes….