“It’s Been Six Months and He Won’t introduce Me To Anyone”
We both agreed that letting things progress organically is working well for both of us. I met his kids three times when he brought them into work (we work together, different departments but same building). However, I’ve never been invited to meet anyone from his life. He hasn’t had his kids around when we hang out together — just the few times in passing. Am I worrying too soon about when I should be meeting his friends, family, and kids? He met several of my friends for the first time this last weekend, and I have invited him to do stuff with my friends all the time, with this weekend being the first time he said yes. He has mentioned once or twice that I should meet a friend of his, but he hasn’t followed through. Do I just need to be patient and let him take the lead with his comfort level? He is slowly moving forward, but every now and then I feel him pull back. It hurts, but I let him. When I feel the pull back, I give him space and he comes back. How long will I be in this weird, don’t know if he is fully in, situation? Do you think the signs he is giving me now are enough to be patient and see where this goes? — Taking It Slow
I’m not sure why you are confused about whether or not he’s “fully in.” He most definitely is NOT fully in, or even partly in. He explained to you in the beginning, and then again before you had sex, that he doesn’t want a committed relationship. You seem to think that means he doesn’t want a “title,” but it’s more than that. He told you from the beginning he just wanted to be friends “without the pressure of expectations.” You are putting expectations on him/your relationship. You want to meet his friends and family, you want him to spend time with yours. You want to integrate your lives like couples do, but you aren’t a couple. You are friends who spend a lot of time together and now have sex, too, but you aren’t a real couple. He does not want to be your boyfriend and he does not want you to be his girlfriend. The expectations you have for your relationship are the exact expectations he hopes to avoid.
A few weeks ago, before you slept together for the first time, you had a long talk in which you agreed with him that “letting things progress organically” was working well for you. But it doesn’t sound like it IS working well for you. Or you wouldn’t be writing to me for advice. You want more than he’s giving you. Why did you let him believe you were perfectly fine with what you two had? Why are you afraid to voice what YOU want? Why is it all about HIS comfort level, what he wants, what he is ready for? You don’t want to push him, but even without pushing him he’s apparently pulling back “every now and then” and it hurts you but “you let him.” And then when you “give him space,” he “comes back.”
You want to know what these signs mean? It means he doesn’t want a committed relationship with all the trappings and expectations. Nothing about that has changed. He doesn’t want to know your friends and family or vice-versa. He’s not interested. And you can justify it all you want by saying his ex hurt him and he needs time and you need to move slowly and be patient, but he’s a grown ass man who’s been married twice; if he’s not ready for a relationship, he shouldn’t be dating and screwing you and saying that you’re building a foundation for a future. If he’s not ready for a relationship NOW, how can he predict what he’s going to want in the future and when he’s going to want it? You’re supposed to just keep hanging around with him indefinitely, with zero expectations and unmet emotional needs until he’s ready to build something on this foundation you’re supposedly creating, who knows when that will be? No.
It’s beyond time for you to be honest with yourself and with him. You want something different than what you’re getting here. You’ve had enough with “being friends,” and you want a boyfriend and shared visions and goals for the future. Is he in or is he out? Ask him. And if he gives you the same dumb line about moving slowly, tell him you’ve been moving slowly and now you’re ready to pick up the pace and if he’s not, then you’re going to pick up the pace in the opposite direction because you’re a grown ass woman who’s been dating a man for six months, now sleeping with him, and you’re tired of pretending like this is just friendship. If he lets you go, he was never planning to hang on to you in the first place and better you know that now than after another year of “letting things progress organically.”
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LW: Don’t be exclusive. Why should you? All he said should have go take this “relationship” as a friendship, while you date other guys. You are wasting a lot of time here. I would never accept such terms.
He’s not your boyfriend and he doesn’t ant to be your boyfriend. Sure you could try “Letting things progress organically “ but that could just as easily mean letting it die and disintegrate.
I feel like LW’s boyfriend has been pretty straightforward about not being ready for a relationship. She should hear what he’s been saying and move on and find someone who wants and is ready for a relationship.
I don’t think that it’s wrong per se, but I think it’s generally a bad idea and presents risks and downsides that aren’t worth it. I also think that it’s more professionally dangerous today than its been in the past.
When somebody tells you they want to keep things casual. BELIEVE THEM. And yes… even fucking can be VERY casual.
LW: He said, pretty clearly, on more than one occasion, that he wasn’t going to be your boyfriend. So why are you hurt that he’s not treating you like a boyfriend would?
I think when he said “not a boyfriend,” you heard “not a boyfriend YET.” And now that you’re spending more time together and holding hands in public, you assumed he was finally really falling for you and wanted to be a couple now. Even though you had a conversation before having sex in which he reiterated that he didn’t want to be in a couple.
Take him at his word. He’s being honest with you. I’m sure he likes you a lot, likes spending time with you, likes having sex with you. It’s possible for all of those things to be true, and he could still not want to be in a committed relationship.
Well, if he’s fighting over a divorce in court, him obviously having a girlfriend would probably hurt his case, so I assume that may be part of it. You haven’t been “friends” long enough to meet his kids, so don’t use them as some kind of romance gauge. But I’m curious whether you have actual proof that he’s getting a divorce. Either way, though, he shouldn’t be getting together with someone now, and I suspect that either he is doing so anyway because he doesn’t know how to have a healthy romantic life OR because he thinks that the “I’m guarded and need to go slow” thing is a good way to keep you on the hook and treating him like a boyfriend without actually expecting him to label it. Red flags all over the place.
LW- I get what you are trying to do, you think if you model perfect girlfriend behavior he’s gonna change his mind and finally be together, but you are a rebound/placeholder. My prediction is once he’s done finalizing his divorce/feels an appropriate amount of time has passed he’ll dump you. You are convenient and available. Sorry he won’t dump you because you aren’t technically together , he’ll just slowly stop hanging out with you and stop responding to your messages and it’s gonna be what’s your problem? We weren’t boyfriend girlfriend?
LW — I suspect starting a new committed relationship isn’t the #1 thing on the mind of most people going through a divorce. He’s a two-time loser. That should give you pause about going too in, too fast. He may be the common denominator in both divorces and a horrible person to actually be married to. He may be great, but certainly more than a 6-month look warranted before being as gung-ho, all-in as you seem to be. Why are you rushing?
Clearly you want different things. He doesn’t want a relationship or responsibilities or expectations. You are seemingly easy to please. If you want more you should use your words.
He’s not even divorced yet. He’s not available for a relationship. Stop doing the pick-me dance and move on