I’ve Fallen In Love with My Girlfriend’s Daughter-in-Law”
As time has gone on, my feelings have progressed from those of a concerned friend to something I thought I had locked away after my late fiancée passed away 20 years ago. Two weeks ago, five and a half years after meeting, I finally got up the nerve to tell her the way I really feel about her. She had already told me about a year earlier that she and Luke were done. Now here’s the hardest part: From the day their son was born I have been the one taking care of him 10 to 12 hours a day while Luke and Maria worked. Now I fear I am going to lose everything. Linda now knows my feelings for her daughter-in-law (I am the type of person that when I open up and let my affections show, everyone around me knows and knows whom they are for. Yes, I’m a Libra). Linda says I can have my time with her grandson, but right now she is kind of freaked out because she lives with all three of them.
Should I wait until they get things sorted out as far as living arrangements go before I even approach Maria again outside of seeing the boy? — Waiting to Get it Sorted Out
So, let me get this straight: You’re a 57-year-old man who struggles with bipolar disorder and you have developed feelings for your girlfriend’s daughter-in-law who is more than thirty years your junior and employs you to watch her son full-time in the home that your girlfriend shares? And you’re wondering whether you should wait for things to “get sorted out” before you pursue anything? What does “sorted out” even look like in a situation like this? There is no sorted out! Not unless you are being entirely selfish and “sorted out” applies only to your own feelings being considered. What about Linda, her son, and her grandson? In what arrangement do you get what you want — a life with Maria, I guess — and everyone else is OK? There is not an arrangement where that happens. Not in any timeframe that comes close to soon, anyway. And I’m not sure YOU would be ok with getting what you think you want. Can you imagine the resentment Maria may have when she matures a little and realizes the old man she thought she loved took advantage of her naiveté, potentially wrecking any kind of cordial relationship she could hope to have with her child’s father and grandmother? If you love her like you think you do, don’t put her in that situation.
My advice is to excuse yourself from this family. Apologize profusely for the damage you’ve created and then explain that you never meant to hurt anyone, though you can see you’ve done just that, and that you are going to leave them alone so they can figure out, as a family, how best to pick up the pieces. And then let THEM “sort it out” without your input. Maybe that means Maria moves out and she and Luke figure out a custody arrangement that works for them. It most certainly means that you no longer watch their son. (And if that is, indeed, an actual paying gig for you, it’s time to find a new job; if you were doing it on some sort of volunteer basis, use the 50+ hours a week you’ll now have to find a hobby or volunteer elsewhere.)
Maybe in time, once Maria has sorted out her living arrangements, she’ll reach out to you. If so, you need to tread VERY carefully. Yes, you’re both grown adults, but she is so much younger than you and you share some baggage that would definitely affect any potential relationship you might have. Linda will aways be her grandson’s grandmother and Luke will always be his father. These people will always be in Maria’s life, which will make it very hard for her to find space for you in any meaningful way.
Finally, you mention having bipolar disorder, so I hope, especially given your current situation, you are in regular contact with mental health professionals to help manage your symptoms. Most mentally stable people don’t blow up their lives and the lives of people they profess to love and care about the way that you have. This is not normal behavior and is a sign that your mental health is not being managed well. For your sake and the sake of people in your orbit, I urge you to get help.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW1: “I’m a Libra”
Oh ok, that excuses it then. You clearly have no control over this situation.
“I make a series of selfish, impulsive, and poorly thought out decisions. But, don’t blame me, because … stars!”
As a libra I can say we really don’t all move in with our partners then make moves on their daughters in law that are 30+ years younger than us whose child we watch full time. Like, barely any of us.
As a Libra I completely agree. Blaming the stars is pathetic.
Also a Libra and have never been this impulsive. Or foolish enough to think that millions of people born within a certain time span are all alike.
LW1- Have you lost your mind??? Under no circumstance is this acceptable. Are you getting help for your issues?
LW2- Dump his sorry ass.
LWs, please make better — much better — life decisions in 2020.
LW #2-He is leaving his daughter with his druggie ex and not even having any contact? What a selfish ass. Even you,who doesn’t want kids, cares more about his daughter than he does.
Next time make sure from the start that a man has no kids or plans for any. He was wrong to not tell you about his daughter,but you stayed and now she loves you and will lose you too, Sad. But yes,you should break it off with him..he is not a good guy and not a match for you.
LW1 Did you notice in Maria’s reaction that she never said she wanted a romantic relationship with you. She doesn’t see you that way. Just because her relationship with Luke is more platonic it doesn’t mean you can just be her partner. She would have to want that and her reaction doesn’t sound like she is interested. What you said was unwanted.
LW2 Your boyfriend is a jerk. Any man who would abandon his own daughter isn’t worth your time. Dump him.
I really feel sorry for his daughter.
If they have a custody agreement then he can go and take his daughter for visits without her mother’s okay about his girlfriend. This seems kind of fishy. If my kid was in a bad situation I’d be moving heaven and earth to help them. Why isn’t he doing anything? Is he just not showing up and using the girlfriend as an excuse? Is he not paying child support? What you can see for sure is that he is a deadbeat.
Wow, LW – you need increased mental health support. No one has to act on every inappropriate thought or feeling they have. That you cannot see how utterly wrong your behavior is quite frankly, phenomenal. I am alarmed that you’ve been responsible for the child considering how poor your common sense is. Seek help.
LW — Rather than saying “I’m a Libra” you should be honest and admit “I’m a fucking piece of shit.” You claim to actually still lover your gf, but have willfully turned her whole family inside out to chase her 30-years-younger-than-you DIL. Does that make any sense to you? It shouldn’t. Of course Maria isn’t romantically interested in you. Despite all your crazy fantasies, she’s has given you zero indication of such interest.
Of course you’re going to lose everything. Your entrée into Maria’s family was her mother-in-law, whom you’re trying to cheat on and who apparently wants nothing further to do with you, Did you really seriously think that a 26-year old woman would be anxious for a relationship with a 57-year-old? Maria needs her income and her husbands income plus whatever your gf has provided to stay afloat and support her son. Even if she wanted to be with you, which she doesn’t, she couldn’t afford it.
Get professional psychological help.
Yeah, interesting omission, LW. You never mentioned Maria’s reaction when you told her your feelings. But there’s a clue when you asked about “approaching her again.”
You already approached her one too many times. Trust me, there is no universe in which a 26 year old woman has any romantic interest in a stoner grandpa. You need to leave all of these people alone (including the kid) and get real professional help for your bipolar disorder.
LW1-holy Toledo, what did I just read?????
This is a bad situation and you need to walk away from this family for good. And strongly suggest you get some therapy.
I wrote a big long reply only for it to get eaten when my screen refreshed. In short, go. Leave this family to heal and focus on your own mental health. Let Linda move on and find someone else. Maria is not into you.
This gave me chills. That dude is a predator.