“His Daughter Has Him Wrapped Around Her Little Finger”
We went on a few dates, but he didn’t seem over his deceased wife. He still had her clothes in the bedroom closet and pictures all over the house. I did speak to him about my concern, and he said he kept them up for his daughter and was just too lazy to get rid of her clothes in the closet yet. Hmm. We stopped seeing each other after that, but it’s been a year and he recently found me through my work website.
I’m not sure where it will go, but he has been pushing hard for us to be a family already. The first date was amazing with just the two of us. Date two involved his daughter and I was not comfortable watching him walk around the fair all night holding her hand and not even once reaching for mine. I felt like a third wheel. We actually had a fight afterwards and didn’t start talking again until a week later.
He wanted me to know his daughter will always come first. I told him I don’t have to come first with everything, but the more I think about it I am really bothered by what he said. I am single with no kids. Is this just me not understanding because I don’t have kids, am I too jealous, or is this going to be a big problem that she is first and has daddy wrapped around her 6-year-old finger? — Single With No Kids
This isn’t about you not understanding because you don’t have kids. This is about you not understanding because you’re kind of a brat. A man lost his young wife — the mother of his baby — and you have the nerve to confront him after THREE dates about his deceased wife’s clothes that he still keeps in the closet? That you believe a little 6-year-old girl who doesn’t even remember her mother has her father wrapped around her finger simply because he holds her hand at the fair is wild.
Stick to dating men who don’t have children. You need someone who can give you all the attention you crave and who will wrap himself around your finger. A single dad — at least one who is a loving father — is a man you have to share with someone else, and you don’t want that right now. So move on and let this family continue healing in peace, without your self-serving interference.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
WWS.
Seriously LW? Sheesh.
Better yet? Don´t date ANYONE until you can get over yourself.
Dear god you are TERRIBLE! I assume there were lots of people at the fair…it’s important to keep an eye on her, make sure she’s comfortable and such. That doesn’t mean he’s going to let her walk all over him. I agree with Wendy, stick to people who have no kids and are as sucky as you. Sheesh.
And it was DATE TWO!!!! Hell Ive been married for 7 years and I cant remember ever walking around holding hands with my husband.
But we do take our kids by the hand when we´re out and about OH NO MY MARRIAGE IS DOOMED.
He’s having an affair and I bet he holds her hand! You better watch out!
Wow. Just wow. The selfishness this woman portrays is appalling.
Are there actually people who act and feel like this?! LW, think outside of yourself for a moment.
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My shock aside, LW, please use this as an opportunity to reflect on your thoughts and actions. The way you are acting is incredibly selfish.
Yeah, I don’t think it’s because you’re single with no kids. Showing your child affection does not mean they are wrapped around your finger. And you were on date two! I think if you get jealous over a parent holding their child’s hand, maybe you need to figure out what makes you feel that way. Because, I don’t think it’s a normal response. Also he has two hands, does he have to be the one to grab yours? What not walk on his other side and grab his hand?
Two things stick out to me: you say that you don’t believe he is over his deceased wife, and you say that he is pushing hard for you to be a family. His daughter has him “wrapped around her finger”. He hasn’t fully grieved. You don’t seem to like his daughter, since you make no sort of positive comment about her. You don’t even say anything positive about this man, either, besides the fact that you had a huge crush on him as a teenager. You may have created this ideal of him in your head ever since having that crush, and even though you’ve tried before and it hasn’t worked out, you’ve continued coming back to him. Let go of the crush. It is not going to work out like the fantasy in your head.
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You should have a conversation with him about how you are happy that he puts his daughter first. That’s a GOOD thing. But in that same conversation, you should really break things off. And not go back to him this time.
Oooookay. Wow. Let me just say this right off the bat: you are allowed to want to come first in a relationship – that in and of itself is okay. However, if anything other than that is not good enough for you do not date people with children. Especially if you’re going to argue with him about how he didn’t hold your hand!
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That being said – he is absolutely right that you should be happy he puts his daughter first. He’s a good dad (and probably a very good man). I can’t even imagine what he sees in you. So, let him go. Let him find a woman who will support him and doesn’t need to be fawned over.
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And, for chrissakes – you’re a grown ass woman. If you want to hold his hand, reach out and hold his hand.
Wow. WWS and WEES. I know it probably feels like we’re being super harsh but really, try to re-read your letter as if somebody else wrote it. You sound like a really awful person in that letter. You’re probably NOT a really awful person, but I agree with everybody who said you shouldn’t date people who have kids. A parent needs to be able to hold their young child’s hand in a busy public place without it causing a fight with their partner. Leave this guy alone and let him find somebody who will love including his daughter and find his devotion to her attractive rather than annoying.
I shouldn’t even answer this because it’s Monday morning and I’m cranky. But sweet holy mother, LW, what in the hell are you thinking? YOU ARE COMPETING WITH A 6-YEAR OLD? YOU ARE PISSED BECAUSE A SIX YEAR OLD WHO LOST HER MOMMY WANTS TO HOLD HER DADDY’S HAND?
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Stop. Walk away from this man now, for his own sake, and the sake of his daughter. He needs a woman who will care for him, and for his child. Preferably one who isn’t so self-obsessed that she freaks out if he holds his daughter’s hand.
And for the record….yes. A man’s children will always come first. Always. Until the day he dies. And that’s exactly as it should be. If this man behaved the way you wanted him to, he would be a dirtbag. Spend some time thinking about that.
A child wanting to hold its parent’s hand is always acceptable, regardless of age or if the other parent is alive or not. Get over yourself. Would you get jealous of your own child wanting to hold its father’s hand?
Why do people think they should be number one compared to a child? A child will always come first if the father is a decent, kind, good human being.
He probably bought his little brat more cotton candy and won her more kewpie dolls too. Kids are so selfish. It’s just me, me, me the whole time and boo hoo hoo. I bet if they go on a holiday, he’ll try to bring her along, even though there are several good kennel options. But Noooo….. it’s all her way, even though she acts like a bloody six year old. Oh wait, SHE IS SIX. Never mind.
I can’t even. WWS absolutely, all the way. You mention (horribly) that when you dated I guess the first time (? or second? I have no idea) that it seemed like he wasn’t over his wife. That’s acceptable and understandable. Then you followed it up with the reasons and a judgment about his timeline for moving on. How presumptuous of you! Why do you get to decide what is the best way to act, behave, and clean out his own damn house?
And (I guess a few years down the road? Or with a different child? again I’m lost…) then you get upset with him because he’s holding the hand of a young child, in a public (and I’m guessing crowded) place. And you’re angry about that? Puh-leeze. *You* are being the child in this situation.
Ugh I have so much more I want to say but I just can’t even. I am horrified…
LW, it really doesn’t sound like you like this guy. Sure, you did in high school, but nothing about your post-HS contact with him sounds like you still feel that way. I feel like your real question is whether it’s OK that you feel jealous of the kid. And we really can’t control our feelings, we can only control how we react to them.
It sounds like this guy is a pretty good dad, and it sounds like you’re not interested in being in a relationship that involves kids. I know I wouldn’t want to date someone with kids – I’d much prefer to get to know a guy one-on-one, with the possibility of us making our own family later on. I think he would have to be a pretty amazing guy for me to go for a single dad. And from your letter, that doesn’t sound like the case here. Don’t date him anymore, and don’t date dads.
so why didn’t you reach for his hand yourself? were your arms broken?
Children ALWAYS come first. always.
Step 1) Go buy a large mirror.
Step 2) Date that.
We can wrap it up here, BGM wins the internet today. 🙂
Lw – You’re jealous of a child. You need to examine your reaction and your life and move on to dating people who don’t have children. Or pets. Or houseplants. I still think it’s sweet when my husband holds my bonus daughter’s hand and she’s almost 17. Yikes.
Altough I agree with Wendy and others who said that LW should moa, ideally to someone without children, I think some commenters are being way too harsh to the LW. First, I thought we said we are going to make comments less attacky and more constructive. Second, I think it’s weird that this guy, who is supposedly super protective and loving of his daughter decides to interrupt the daughters trip to the fair by having a second date with a new woman. Shouldn’t he be waiting longer to introduce the two? Also, while I understand the sentiment “kids come first”, I also think kids and romantic partners shouldn’t even be in the same category, and therefore shouldn’t really be ranked. If you all (and LW’s date) are saying, prioritize a child’s needs over a new gf, sure I get that. However, some ppl seem to be phrasing it to mean no matter what the child wants/needs it’s more important than the gf, always. Again, maybe true for a very new gf like letter writer, but I wouldn’t think it’s correct to generalize this to mean all the time for all levels of relationships. In the extreme case, you are going towards the stereotypical mom who addresses their children’s desire to the exclusion of their spouses needs and desires, then that ends in divorce and everyone including the kids ends up hurt by it. If the date in this case had this kind of extremely indulgent attitude to his daughter, I can kind of almost see where the letter writer was coming from. However, I can’t see how she would have figured this out from the information she gives us.
Oh man. You suck.
As a parent, I can tell you that parents hang onto the hands of children in crowded places so that they don’t get lost. If you had looked around you would have seen that the other parents were holding children’s hands but parents of young children weren’t holding hands with each other. Parents also hold children’s hands in parking lots, when crossing streets and at any other time it might be required for the child’s safety. The more crowded the place the more completely the parent focuses on the child to keep the child safe. When parents take children to the fair the day is usually child centric. Parents take the kids around to see the animals and take the kids to various rides. That’s what parents with kids do at a fair. A date with a child along isn’t going to be the same, romantic experience that a date without a child will be. It can’t be because the child must be watched and because the child will be watching and listening to everything you say and do.
As someone who is currently dating someone with a child, I am…gobsmacked…by the number of letters (this is just one of several) where the LW is so bothered by the fact that the father is paying attention to their own child. *newsflash* When you date someone with a child, that is what you’re signing up for! It’s not a competition….and if in some alternate reality it IS a competition, the child wins every time (and they should!)
I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t hold your hand on the second date in front of his daughter, because he wants his daughter to get used to the idea of you slowly. I actually think that’s good parenting on his part. On a second date, you really don’t need to be introduced to a kid as anything more than a FRIEND, because on date two, that’s really all you are.
I (somewhat) want to give you the benefit of the doubt here, and attribute your strange feelings about his daughter and his parenting, to the fact that maybe you just know this guy isn’t for you, and you want to end things- but want a “reason”. And feeling “neglected” or uncomfortable with his parenting feels like a more valid reason for breaking things off, then just admitting you’re not compatible.
PREACH, Wendy.
LW? WWS.