“He Won’t Call Me His Lover”
Your lover doesn’t introduce you to people as his lover because that would be really weird and kind of creepy and totally awkward for everyone because it’s basically announcing that the scope of your relationship is purely, or at the very least mainly, sexual and nobody needs or wants to know all that. And since the scope of your relationship is purely, or at least mainly, sexual, you aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend no matter how many weekend trips you’ve been on or how many friends and family members you’ve met or how often you talk to each other. “Open relationship” and “non-exclusive” are concession titles he’s granted you. They give you the “relationship” you want while granting him the no-strings-attachment that he wants.
You need to be honest with yourself about what kind of relationship you really want and if it’s more than regular sex with someone you like (even someone you care very much about). If you want to be someone’s actual girlfriend, then you also need to be honest with yourself that this isn’t the relationship for you. This man knows what he wants. He’s likely been around the block quite a few times by now and isn’t interested in a committed, monogamous relationship with you. He’s confident enough in that choice, and in what you two share together, that he has absolutely no need or desire to define your relationship and what you mean to each other to anyone else. You, on the other hand, are less confident in what you share together and what your roles are in each other’s lives. And you need to ask yourself why. If you are truly OK with just being his lover, you wouldn’t need or want that title given during casual introductions.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Why would you even want to talk about your sex life as an introduction? Be glad he introduces you by name instead of “that girl”.
I would be very uncomfortable if anyone was introduced to me as “my lover Bob”. I mean that’s like saying “Bob, the person I casually have sex with”. I don’t need to know that! That’s between you and Bob!
There’s a reason why the Will Ferrell/Rachel Dratch “lovers” sketch was so hilarious. Introducing someone as your lovahhh makes everyone around you super uncomfy. If you want a man who is willing to claim you as his, go find another man, cause this dude has been pretty open and honest with you. You can decide what he has to offer isn’t enough for you and move on, but you don’t get to accept less than what you want and then be justifiably mad about it.
So this is interesting. I actually think you have a point since non-exclusivity doesn’t imply that your relationship is unimportant. And I would argue that saying stuff like “this is my girlfriend” is very different from making a claim on a person. Commitment and exclusivity are simply two different dimensions, and anyone with progressive views should see that. That said, it sounds like he’s not willing to see you as his girlfriend, exclusive or not. And he won’t introduce you as such. If you don’t like that, then absolutely dump him. His view of things is not more progressive than yours, but just different.
I’ll also say that even though I see the awkwardness of introducing someone as one’s “lover” I actually think the taboo on merely sexual relationships is sort of funny in a way. I mean, why is it awkward if people know that the main aspect of a relationship is sexual, but it’s not awkward if it’s sexual among other things (which can usually be assumed with bfs/gfs)?
WWS!
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LW, I’ve been exactly where you are. You’re in that place where you’re more than FWB’s, but you’re not actually dating. It’s a weird position to be in because it’s kind of an illusion. You do everything “couples” do, but with no commitment. And you’re likely not going to get that commitment, because if he wanted it, you would be there.
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This kind of situation is completely OK if both parties are amenable, but if one is not, then it won’t work long-term. It took me a lot longer than it should have to figure out that I wanted more, especially when the sex was so great. I mean seriously, I didn’t even care for sex until him.
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So, if you want an exclusive relationship, I would MOA, like yesterday.
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Also, this relationship I had, which looks a lot like yours, was why I started therapy.
Do you really want to be non-exclusive? Because reading your letter it kind of sounds like you’re not entirely happy here. And what is ‘claiming’ behavior? Using terms to introduce the other person? I wouldn’t dump him because he’s not proud of your relationship. You should dump him because you’re not happy.
Curious what the “open” part of this liaison entails, LW. Is it open for him and maybe you don’t really avail yourself of the wonder and enjoyment of open? If not, I think you should: go out on other dates and sleepovers, take other trips, meet other friends and family and don’t over-focus or over-expect on one person. After all, it is very likely that he is squiring others around and doing all the things with them that he does with you so why the need to have him acknowledge your position? Your position is the person who’s next to him right now. Voila the joy of open, eh?
Most people don’t equate non-exclusivity with labels. I guess the word lover can be used with it, but like others have said, it’s not likely to be taken seriously if you use it in front of other people. I imagine that a person who doesn’t want to be exclusive is not going to want a label because it implies claim that either will deter other dating prospects or simply appears too possessive for that sort of relationship. If you’re otherwise fine with what you’ve got, I’d drop it.
If I were at a party, and a man introduced the girl next to him as his lover, there’d be a few seconds of stunned, awkward silence, and then I’d burst out laughing. Because it’s supremely icky, and kind of ridiculous.
Seriously? You want to be introduced to his friends, family and coworkers as the girl he’s banging?
You are friends. With benefits. But you don’t say the ‘benefits’ part in an introduction. Well, not if you have any manners.
If he introduces you as his friend, that’s ‘claiming behavior’ (barf) enough. If you then proceed to paw each other in public, people will infer that you are having sex. You don’t need to make an announcement.
I would like to know who “we” was that decided that you were non-exclusive and in a secret open-relationship. This works for some people but it doesn’t sound like it’s working for you. It sounds like you want to be in a committed relationship, he doesn’t and you accept the scraps of what he offered you and now want advice on how to make him commit more than he agreed to. See how this doesn’t seem healthy? If you were truly okay with your arrangement then you wouldn’t want him to step it up a notch. If you’re not, and I think that is the case then stop settling. This guy isn’t going to give you any more than he says he would, take him at his word.
LW, you should ask yourself what is actually bothering you about this relationship. If it’s really that he won’t refer to you with a possessive pronoun, you are just borrowing trouble (and being petty). I strongly suspect there’s something larger at issue here.
the term “my lover” in the regional accent where I’m from is an affectionate term you might use for children or younger relatives as in “oh (name) me lover, how are you today?” when meeting a baby, to me that is the only context in which lover is not a super creepy thing and even then it’s kinda creepy when it isn’t being said by your grandmother or something. And if an older man said it about a younger woman to try to black out the creepy I would probably assume he was her uncle using pet names far beyond a time when they’re appropriate
I think Wendy is right, the LW needs to reassess how comfortable and confident she is with this arrangement and why they need to label it so badly
LW, I’m pretty sure when this “much older” man introduces you to his friends, they get the idea that you’re not just his friend.
I haven’t read the letter – just the headline – and I’d like everyone to start calling me “My Lover” too.
I think he just wants to have sex with you and nothing more. He’s not even willing to attach any sort of commitment term starting with “my” to you. If you want that then don’t be ashamed and just move on. Or stay in this relationship while it’s still good but keep your eyes open for what you actually want. As he said, you guys aren’t committed. If a guy comes alongand you are interested in him you are free to pursue. If it gets to the point where you start feeling negative and antsy and really just want him to call you something, then you need to break it off. Becuase I’m sorry to say it seems like it’s just about the sex for him.
I thought once you were past the age of 25, you’ve already manage to assimilate the fact that “I like/love you, but I’m a free spirit, etc.” actually means “I want all the benefits of a serious relationship without ever having to commit to one”. But then this LW doesn’t say how old she is. Just my 2 cents.
So, I’m going to disagree with a lot of people here and say it’s clearly not solely about sex for him (“We talk almost every day and see each other at least 2-3 times a week. We have gone on weekend trips together and have met each other’s friends and family” — that’s not a simple FWB, and he wouldn’t put in that much effort if it was solely about sex).
Some people, especially people who are strictly non-monogamous, are simply not into possessive labels. It doesn’t mean the relationship means less to them, they just don’t like to rank their partners on that scale.
This was a really good blog post along these lines that I would recommend reading –
What I would like to agree with everyone else about here is this – it sounds like you’re not happy, and I highly doubt a simple label is the root cause there. Are you seeking more commitment, exclusivity? Take a week off from your not-boyfriend and do some introspection – what exactly do you want out of a relationship? If you’re not getting it, whatever it is, and he’s not willing to give it to you, then you should move on and find someone who can.
If you really are happy, and it’s just the label thing that’s bothering you (seriously, though, don’t lie to yourself about this), I think you should let it go. What he calls you to other people is not really that important. The effort that he makes to see you and talk to you is a better measure of your relationship.
Hello, good day! Thank you everyone, especially Wendy!, for bringing valuable input to the conversation. Well, yesterday we spent the whole day together, going on a hike then laying in the grass talking about our relationship. Then we went out for dinner, took a bath, and fell asleep (no sex!). Despite the strife I went through confused about our status, I see our label-less non-claiming, non-exclusive relationship as quite progressive. We’re not FWB, we’re not bf/gf. We’re outside of that. And undeniably there is love. AND we are both doing what we want, not trying to control each other or deny our own needs. Since having written to Wendy, I’ve come to see the label-less-ness of it as something to embrace, as a challenge in my human revolution. Yes, he’s been around the block and knows what he wants–he’s 50, and yes, he doesn’t have any need to explain his personal relationships to the public…unlike me, who is doe-eyed and 25, yet to experience the bulk of her relationship journey. I consider myself capable and mature in relationship, but I also have a lot to learn and understand about myself. Yes, for the future I do want more expressions of love and unabashed confidence claiming one another. For us though, for now, I’m quite happy. We get along surprisingly well, share versatile experiences together, and find each other irresistible.