Try this: “I’m very upset because I feel you took advantage of me the other night and that confuses me and makes me question my trust for you. I think you pushed the boundaries of our agreement to initiate sex while sleeping; you didn’t bother to fully wake me up or to ask for my consent, and you did all this after a fight we had, knowing full well I likely would not have been in the mood to have sex with you. I believe you didn’t care what I wanted; you simply wanted to satisfy your own urges, and I’m hurt, grossed-out, and wondering whether I can trust you going forward. At the very least, I need an apology from you, and we need to re-visit our agreement about initiating sex while one of us is sleeping because what you did to me the other night is not OK and I never, ever want that to happen again.”
His response to that — both his tone and what he says — should give you some idea of his remorse (or lack thereof) and whether you can trust him to respect your personal boundaries in the future.
Well, your two issues here are completely at odds with each other, aren’t they? You can’t very well maintain your own home — which, yes, sounds lovely! — and also combine and pool financial resources with another person by sharing a home. Whether you remain with your fiancé or not, you will always have a conflict between these two desires. So, you have to choose what is more important to you — maintaining your independence and freedom living alone in your own home, or cutting expenses by sharing a home with someone else. Obviously, this decision would be much easier to make if you were contemplating living with someone whose lifestyle — especially domestically speaking — matched yours. If your fiancé were someone who also liked a tidy, well-decorated home and worked to maintain that, you probably wouldn’t feel as though you’d be making such a big sacrifice moving in with him (and his daughter). If your fiancé better respected your need for alone time, you probably wouldn’t feel like you’d be giving that up by moving in with him. But that’s not who your fiancé is.
Your fiancé is someone who lives in a messy home and demands most, if not all, of your free time (in other words, he’s controlling — just like you say your ex-husband was). You can “love him dearly” and not be well-matched with him because of these issues alone. At the very least, I think it would be wise to put your engagement on hold until you decide whether being with him forever is worth the sacrifices you’d be asked to make. And keep in mind that, as long as you’re with him, you aren’t available for someone else who might be a better match for you in terms of lifestyle. I also suggest you take a look at these other topics you should discuss and be in agreement on before getting married; I have a hunch there are a few things on the list you haven’t addressed yet…
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].