“How Can We Ask If We’re Expected to Pay For Our Dinner?”
We have tried to indirectly ask the other couples whether they know if we will need to pay, but we have had no luck with getting an answer. Any suggestions? — Anonymous
Have you already accepted the invitation? If not, I would say something along the lines of: “We so appreciate being included in your wife’s birthday festivities and would love to help celebrate her, but I’m afraid that particular restaurant is out of our budget. Do you have plans following dinner that we may be able to join?” This gives the the host the opportunity to tell you directly whether or not he’s paying for the entire meal (and if he is, you thank him, and let him know you’d like to buy the birthday girl a bottle of wine that she would love), and it doesn’t put you in a position of incurring a huge expense for someone whom you’re just getting to know. It also sets a precedent going forward that when including you in group activities, your budget should be a consideration and that, if someone else is covering the tab, it should be explicitly expressed.
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LW2 please please please listen to Wendy. Abusers are very very skilled at sniffing out vulnerable people and I am very afraid that Mr X could absolutely be one of those. Rushing to intensify a relationship is a classic warning sign. If he’s on the up and up he wants what is best for you and that is NOT moving in with someone you don’t know.
WWS. We had a friend that invited us to his girlfriend’s surprise birthday party at an upscale restaurant. He chose the wine cellar, and picked the limited menu. Then we were all expected to pay our own tab. It was more pricey than we had anticipated. I wish I had Wendy’s script .
LW, I would assume you are supposed to pay. Maybe it’s a generational or regional thing, but in my social circles, an invite like this (invited to a dinner at a restaurant) means you pay your own way (and cost the split of the bday girl/boy’s meal) unless it is explicitly stated otherwise.
That said, Wendy has a good script to softly get at it.
Really wonder if this is an American thing, like the constant splitting-of-the-bill issue. Up here (Canada), if there is an invite to eat out for someone’s birthday, everyone pays for their own meal. I have never run into this issue in my life, with the expectation that the inviter would foot the bill for all the invitees. Fascinating. (No judgment; just find it weird/cool how culturally different eating out seems toe be.)
LW: you are not obligated to go if the costs exceed your budget. Don’t do for a new friend what you wouldn’t do for your own couple or family. Even if you accepted already the invitation, you can simply say that after reflexion, the restaurant out of your budget, but… then follow the very good script by Wendy, so they are not offended and you can perhaps join at lower cost, or not join. No drama here, everybody can understand budget limits.
LW- This has happened to me a couple of times.
The first time, at a friend’s birthday dinner, the waiter announced before we ordered that our hosts would pay for our first round of drinks and left it at that, so we knew beforehand that we were paying for dinner.
The second time we weren’t told at all and found out when the bill came around that we were expected to pay the total.
I like to know ahead of time if this is something I can afford and Wendy’s script is a friendly way to find out.
Aside from a celebration dinner, my friends and I always split the check according to what we’ve ordered.
LW: Dear Abby would have touted the “no host” concept. To be clear, it is tacky.
Meh, it’s only tacky if there are differing expectations.
I’m not a big fan of universal blanket, dear abby etiquette. In my social circles it’s totally fine to invite people to dinner and not host it. At least right now, as stated above, perhaps that will change.
It’s also very acceptable to decline because you just don’t want to spend money. Invites in my group are not summons, it’s totally not an affront if a friend says, thanks for inviting me, but I’m gonna turn it down. Grab coffee instead later?
LW: Unless the couple is massively rich, then I think it’s a safe bet that you have to pay. Otherwise, they’d be spending thousands of dollars on this dinner, which seems unlikely for most people.
I want to comment on the birthday thing, since a lot of people have differing opinions. I have been to birthday dinners for a few friends, and we all pay for ourselves. Most of the time, we split the birthday person’s bill among the guests, because we want to, not because we were told to. The one exception was when the person chose an expensive restaurant. A couple of people covered her drinks or appetizers for the group, but she paid for her own entree, which she was fine with (and was very appreciative that we covered a few other items). I don’t think it’s wrong to choose an expensive restaurant (though I wouldn’t do it) because it’s the guests choice whether to attend or not. Since the general consensus is that adult birthdays don’t matter much, then I feel like most people would agree that missing out on a friend’s birthday because of the cost is not that big a deal for most people. If I cared that much about seeing them, I’d just offer to buy them a drink some other night.
I don’t think the comparison of a hosted party at a home (or other venue) and a restaurant meal is very equal. I think most people in the social circles we are referring to are fairly likely to go out to eat with friends on occasion, and when a friend suggests a group go out together, no one expects that person to pay for everyone. I guess I don’t know why if they are having a birthday, they would have to pay for everyone too. If they wanted something that was more special or me-centric than a dinner out (which, again, is not that unusual for most people), then they can throw a party, in which they pay for that extra attention to themselves.
I think this is sort of an outdated custom that comes from the times when people who went out to eat were wealthy and it was a sign of status to pay for everyone who is eating with you.
Here are my thoughts about parties and who pays: If it is in a private home or catered event, guests are not, obviously, expected to pay, or if it is in a restaurant and a room was rented and food is boufet style. However, if there is a bill given to the table, as in I am meeting a lot of people at a restaurant with reservations, I assume I would pay for my own meal. I have been both a host and guest at such occasions without it seeming strange. I wanted to gather everyone ot celebrate getting tenure and then a few years later, to celebrate turning 40. I could not afford to pay for 30 people’s meals so I chose a casual diner where a sandwich or omelet could be had for $12. everyone pitched in and it seemed OK to people. I have also gone to similar events and always threw in a $20. It is totally unfair to go to a place that cost $150 a plate and expect guests to pay.
Yeah I think the line is – do I have the choice to pick what I want to eat (and therefore how much is spent for me to eat) or is the meal pre-picked out and I have no (or minimal) choice?
If it’s the former, I think you should assume you will be paying your own way.
If it’s the latter – if the menu is being forced on you – then I think the expectation is you don’t pay.
I guess a grey area is if you go to a restaurant, everybody orders what they want, and then you split the tab equally. But I think that’s a shitty way to do it, and would avoid putting my friends in that situation…but it does happen.
This may be a friendship that you literally can’t afford. If this is how they celebrate a birthday I hate to think of what else they might invite you to go to that costs a fortune or that you can’t afford. If their lifestyle doesn’t fit your budget it would be good to keep some distance. This might be one where you need to remain acquaintances because being friends is literally unaffordable.
That happened to me 15 years ago. A very wealthy couple held a decade birthday at a venue that ended up costing each person $200 per head that guests had to pay.
Would have been courteous to specify in the invite anticipated contribution so that guests could decide within their budget or not!
It happened to me and two other friends of the birthday girl whose daughter and daughter in law invited us to Ethel’s birthday party. There was no mention we’d be expected to pay for dinner.
We all were enjoying our dinner then dessert when the bill was presented to the hosts, they began by saying “who had the chicken, here’s your bill.” We were all in shock as we were not informed up front. Some of the guests were elderly and the bill was more than they expected. Tacky, tacky, tacky.
Tacky, yes! The daughter and daughter-in-law wanted the hosting credit to score points with Ethel but then stuck her elderly friends with a surprise dinner bill.