“My Boyfriend Has Asked Me to Never Discuss Politics with Him”
I don’t know if it’s our differing views or if he feels attacked because I’m (usually) more knowledgeable about political events than he is. Every time it comes up he gets upset, which makes me upset and we just end up arguing — not even necessarily about politics but just arguing about how he feels like I belittle him. His solution is for us to never talk politics, but I just can’t do that since it’s such a major part of my life.
I know people say politics and religion shouldn’t be discussed because they cause issues, but I think in today’s society it’s just impossible to know someone without knowing the political morals and values they hold. I really care about Eric and he’s an amazing man, but I feel like I can’t talk about the thing I’m most passionate about around him for fear of messing up our otherwise amazing connection. What other solutions could there be so that we can communicate about politics without there being tension? – A confused college student (who hasn’t been in a relationship in two years and is kind of lost with relationships)
“We’ve now been dating roughly three weeks and we have a problem.” I don’t even need to know what the problem is to know that if you are having issues big enough in the first month — hell, in the first three months — to warrant a letter to an advice columnist, you’re probably not dating someone who is the right match for you. Knowing what your specific problem is, I can say that with even more confidence: You are not dating someone who is a good match for you.
That this guy knows how important politics is to you — it’s your major, it’s your passion, it’s the career industry you want to pursue — and has suggested you avoid ever discussing it because you can’t seem to do so without an argument or without his feeling belittled speaks volumes of how much he values you. Which is to say not very much. He probably feels pretty inadequate discussing politics because he doesn’t know as much as you do and therefore can’t hold his own in a debate against you, and then he feels frustrated and angry, causing him to want you to just shut up because then he won’t feel so inferior.
You’re in college, you’re young, you admittedly don’t have much relationship experience, so let me help you with this: someone who wants you to shut up about something you’re passionate about because your knowledge and intelligence makes him feel inferior, and/or because your opinion differs from his, is NOT someone you should be dating. You aren’t a good match. You should be with someone who respects you, respects your opinion (even if he doesn’t agree with it), respects your intelligence and knowledge, and gets turned on by your passion. That isn’t this guy. I’d cut him loose now before you waste any more time and energy getting attached. (I also go so far as to say that in today’s wild political climate, someone who doesn’t share your views, likely doesn’t share your morals.).
To your question about how to discuss politics without there being tension: to say we live in a politically tense climate right now is a gross understatement and I’m not sure it’s reasonable to expect or strive for a lack of tension in political discussions. Tension is what fuels change (and we need change!!!). Tension is the root of progress. Every political movement in our society’s history that led to more equality among our citizens and better protection in terms of laws and services was born out of some kind of tension. That doesn’t mean there needs to be a lack of civility or that your political discussions have to be hostile. Be an active listener, hear opposing viewpoints, practice empathy. But don’t become docile — don’t avoid tense topics and heated discussions — because some guy you dated for three weeks made you feel like that was the only way you were going to maintain a relationship. It’s not. And the right match would never make you feel that way.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Wendy nailed both of these answers. LW1, if you’re arguing after 3 weeks – he’s not right for you, and you don’t want to be with someone if you can’t talk about topics you’re passionate about. LW2 – “it depends on my mood”? Really? I’d be so pissed if you said that to me. You should’ve said that you already had plans and couldn’t make it – simple, done.
I have usually found that people who don’t understand why someone else isn’t willing to have an “honest” “debate” about “politics” “without getting so upset about it” are actually just obnoxious in their arguments.
” I’m (usually) more knowledgeable about political events than he is”
” not even necessarily about politics just arguing about how he feels like I belittle him”
Maybe if he feels like you’re belittling him, it’s because you’re …belittling him? Like you believe that your ” more knowledgeable about political events than he is” and it comes across in the way you argue.
Fyodor, using facts in a debate doesn’t mean she is belittling anyone. She doesn’t believe that she is more known, she IS objectively more knowledgeable. Acknowledging that also doesn’t make her rude or belittling.
When people find this to be belittling or obnoxious by definition, it points to a fragile ego. If someone is upset that when debating, they don’t have facts to back their position, it’s usually time to go learn more, or possibly accept that the facts don’t support your idea. It’s not a sign for someone who knows a lot to feign ignorance. Anyone who asks for that is the disrespectful one in a relationship.
Wendy is spot on as usual.
LW, the issue about discussing politics is that you don’t discuss it in polite company – as in, you don’t invite controversy into your social gatherings. The person you absolutely should be discussing politics with is the person you are dating. That’s how you learn if they share similar values to you on a wide array of topics or as in current politics, if they are a raging misogynistic, racist hypocritical bigot. But you know maybe they’re just a single issue voter.
Other topics in this category would be religion and money -again, things that you discuss with a significant other. That would have to be one hypnotic and magical dick to get me to shut up about things that I find important like my major and the world I found fascinating.
You can do better.
LW: There’s a much larger issue here than the political incompatibility. This guy, who you’ve know for all of a few weeks, has told you that his requirement for being in a relationship with you is that you hide who you are. Hide your beliefs. Hide your passions. Hide your values. Because he cannot handle hearing differing opinions, or even being reminded that you have those opinions. They make him angry. YOU make him angry. The person you really are.
If he’s angry and fighting with you every time you say something he doesn’t agree with NOW, when the two of you should be in that new-relationship haze of hormones and over-the-moon happiness, how do you think this is going to work out 6 months from now? A year from now? Are you never allowed to talk about your classwork IN YOUR MAJOR with him? You can’t talk about the news. You can’t talk about your job prospects. You can’t talk about a rally you attended, or volunteer work you’re doing for a candidate.
About the only way I see this working is in a NSA sex arrangement, where you hookup and go home and never have any deep conversations. And it doesn’t sound like that’s what you’re looking for here.
LW: Sounds like you two are not compatible. Your biggest passion in life is something he won’t share with you. You can’t somehow FORCE him to talk politics. And if you NEED that in a partner, you’re just not going to last. Many of my friends have differing political opinions than I do—my own husband does. And we really don’t spend our time discussing politics. We have other joys and interests in life. If politics is your main joy—find someone who shares it.
Honestly – unpopular opinion coming up – I do not like discussing politics – it bores the snot out of me. I admit to not knowing or understanding how politics works especially in this political climate so it is a topic that I usually just avoid. I don’t like political movies or shows either, again it’s just my preference. I’m not a dick about it or anything, (FTR – I am on the liberal scale) it’s just not a passion of mine to discuss and with that being said I don’t think I could ever date someone who is a very political person (professionally or personally). It would not be fair of me to tell them not to talk about what they love so we clearly wouldn’t be a compatible match.
Or she literally only wants to debate politics and maybe he isn’t always in the mood to be yelled at? Some people don’t know how to have a discussion without bullying. I don’t think they’re a good match but I feel for the guy a bit. I am interested in politics but I hate having an entire evening revolve around really intense topics. It’s cool for a bit but I get the feeling this girl does not stop. Give him a break. Well, break up with him and find someone who likes to debate as much as you I’m sure there are some in your school
LW, it’s been THREE WEEKS and you are IN COLLEGE. At a different university than this guy, no less! Unless you attend a women’s college (which is awesome, I did) then you are sitting in the midst of a veritable cornucopia of men who will be more compatible with you. Stop seeing this guy you can’t even have an animated conversation with at THREE WEEKS IN (seriously – come on, you know this). You are not going to have a problem finding someone who shares this passion of yours. I get where you’re coming from; my husband and I are political junkies and talking about the issues of the day is how we maintain our marital bond.
LW: It’s way too soon to be arguing all the time. You should be able to go the first three weeks without fighting. No human being is important enough to overlook that in exchange for keeping them around. Also, he opposes what sounds like one of the most important things in your life. You two are not compatible.
LW, I am wondering if you want to spar as opposed to discuss. If he gives an answer and you say “How could you say that?!” or “well based on the court case blah blah blah, that is misinformed”. I are you doing most of the talking or most of the listening?
What do you want from him? He might want to kick back and have fun at a party rather than talk about Syrian refugees or the nuances of gun control. I mean, you might be a Debbie Downer. Or is your goal change him?
My guess is you want to be in a relationship where you can talk about the issues of the day long into the night with a partner who is smart and articulate. In this dream, I see you in a wood paneled library. This is not the relationship for that. I would suggest joining liberal on campus organizations for that and enjoy your fun guy on the side.
“…we have a great relationship…”
No, you do not.
If, three weeks into a relationship, you’re fighting all the time, you do not have a great relationship.
If your partner wants you to suppress something that is a major part of who are, you do not have a great relationship.
Break up. Do not invest any more time in someone who is clearly not right for you just because it’s been a few years since you’ve been in a relationship and you like him. There is a guy out there who would love to endlessly debate politics with you, and who will support your career path and respect you. You don’t want to miss out on Mr. Right because you’re already with Mr. Wrong.
“I know people say politics and religion shouldn’t be discussed because they cause issues”
this is only said regarding discussion at… dinner parties, with casual acquiantances, with coworkers, with relatives you have tense relationships with. OF COURSE you should be able to discuss politics and religion with your SO! And good friends!
LW, while it is definitely a red flag that this is an issue barely a month in, you did mention that he states you ‘belittle him’ when it comes to political talks. Are you? How are these conversations actually going?? Are you potentially a little too far into the political realm that your arguments or statements may be coming off unintentionally as condescending or degrading? It is one thing to respectively discuss opossing political beliefs, another to be closed off and degrading to the other person where they don’t feel comfortable even having conversations around it with you.
That first submission. I honestly would be super annoyed if one person just wanted to talk about one thing all the time. I get that it is their passion. But it’s not mine, so it sounds like he’s over it as well. I actually disagree with what Wendy says. About how it probably makes him feel inferior. That’s all on her. I feel like by her constantly trying to get him into debates that she’s the one that’s purposely trying to make him fill inferior
I agree with Wendy, though I considered a little different thought. Could he be getting so reactionary with you because he is actually much more conservative than he is letting on? Perhaps he doesn’t feel comfortable admitting who he voted for just yet?
Bottom line is though, please let this guy go before you are more invested and feeling stressed out. There is someone out there who will appreciate you for YOU.
I used to think like you. That having similar political views wasn’t necessary for a good relationship. But that relationship ended in a very ugly way because well turns out that because politics are personal we had different morals and life philosophies. I’m not even sure moderates exist these days which would be needed to be able to have a relationship between two people who have different political views. Politics affect: What happens in an unplanned pregnancy, how you raise children, how people expect home life to be (these days conservatives will pretend to want a partner then once married want a “trad wife” and to make it worse some turn abu*** before divorcing because it’s unacceptable to divorce for them), etc. And not only that, someone who votes against your rights doesn’t respect you as much as they pretend to and that disrespect will show itself.
And like Wendy said, if you’re having problems at 3 weeks, run for the hills as fast as you can. No matter the reason. It’ll only get worse.
Wendy is spot on. People tend to be on their best behavior for the first 6-12 months of a relationship, so if you have a problem this early on then I would cut and run.
And tbh, I never thought political differences were a dealbreaker when I was younger but now that I’m older and understand the implications of things I could not be with someone who didn’t at least at a high level share my views. Because underneath it all, everything is political and the people who say they don’t follow politics or don’t care are either incredibly ignorant or incredibly privileged. Neither is attractive to me.