“I’m Trapped in a Bad Relationship Because of Finances”
All that said, I feel like I’m trapped in this relationship because I can’t afford to move out or live on my own right now. This has become a toxic environment for me, and it’s only making my illness worse. I’m at a complete loss as to what to do right now. He is my only support system — I should say “was” my only support system — and now I feel like I’m ruining my own life (and his) by forcing this to be our only option. What are your thoughts on this? — No Other Options
My thoughts are you need to get out of this relationship, expand your support system, and reduce your expenses while finding a way to generate some income. Easier said than done? Of course! But that doesn’t mean it can’t be done. People do it all the time, and often when they have dependents (like kids) they’re responsible for, too. The problem here is that you’ve given yourself a choice, and part of that choice includes remaining dependent on your boyfriend. What if you had no choice? What if he didn’t exist? What would you do then? Would you move to a cheaper place and get a roommate? Would you look into part-time temporary work, like subbing or waiting tables or working retail or stuffing envelopes or whatever the hell you could get (and might have the energy to do) to generate some income? Would you apply for government assistance? Would you beg your family for support? Would you get resourceful because you HAD to because you had no choice but to suck it up and deal because you’re a grown-up and you don’t have a Plan B so you better create a Plan A that keeps you alive, with a roof over your head and food on the table? I suggest you start doing all of the above now because the choice you’ve given yourself isn’t much of a choice at all and, as you said, the toxicity it’s creating in your life is only making things worse for you.
I’m sympathetic that your health isn’t great and that you felt you had to take a leave of absence from school to seek treatment. But that doesn’t mean you should be relying on your emotionally abusive and unsupportive boyfriend to… support you. You have to be proactive in supporting yourself — or seeking support from someone else. I get that you’re in survival mode right now, but your energy would be much better spent focused on getting well and getting independent than on maintaining even the most tenuous of connections with your abusive ex. I have a feeling getting out from under the roof you share with him will do wonders for your health, which, in turn, will go a long way towards helping you realize financial independence.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW1: yes, you have an option. Go home to your family, treat your health there for free, and come back to school once you are cured. All the rest doesn’t make sense. Your boyfriend is not your medical insurance. The solution is quite obvious!
LW#2 – Louise may be actively avoiding guys who are only into making bank – who are all about what they can buy and who they can impress.
LW#1 – you mention this is your only support system – you have no family or friends that you can rely on? Is this part of the abuse that your bf doled out (isolation)? I”m leaping here, perhaps your family is worse than the bf. Call RAINN or an abuse hotline and discuss how to build a new support system and what resources may be available in your area. You need to get out and get access to the available resources. It won’t be easy, but it sounds like you’re between a rock and a hard place. good luck.
LW2, this kind of strikes a chord with me. I’m a woman and I’ve often in the past felt inferior to rich(er) people, coming from ‘middle class’ myself – so I don’t think you’re being sexist. You’re feeling inadequate and perhaps somewhat intimidated by these big shot, successful, rich people and I get that. I started telling myself: they have something I don’t have, and I have something they don’t have. That changed my outlook. In the end we’re all just people with hopes, dreams, fears and our own stories.
I mean I hardly think this women fits into the whole big shot, successful, rich people category that you are talking about.
She actually sounds like a really nice and humble person, who doesn’t ever brag about her or her families money, and is genuinely interested in guy she’s dating career aspects. He is projecting his own fears knowing her families background. If he didn’t know her families background he sounds like the type of guy, who would be writing in about how his average looking girlfriend is just a coffee shop owner, and how does he get around that since the women he normally dates are so much better looking.
Has any ever noticed that when guys write in, they always need to tell you how pretty or ugly the person they are writing in about is? I mean why is this always included like it’s going to make a difference in the advice? I guess it actually shows their true colors. Add on top of that the money insecurity issues, and you can see the progress we are making… I mean kudos to LW2 for dating down for love and money…
LW1: You are using your emotionally abusive asshole of a boyfriend as a free place to stay sooo I don’t know, maybe stop using the asshole, because you don’t want to really put the effort in to leave.
Ugh, I think Louise can do better than a guy who barely thinks she’s attractive and resents what she’s accomplished.
I’ll agree on the ‘attractiveness’ comment, but where do you get that he resents what she’s accomplished?
LW: I would imagine (not knowing what area of the country you live in) that there are many resources available to you that can provide living assistance and financial assistance. And being that you are in an abusive relationship and suffer from significant health issues some of those resources may be available to you immediately. I would encourage you to start by contacting the health department in the county where you live.
LW) you aren’t your boyfriends financial responsibility or liability. Stop blaming him for not wanting to deal with you and your illness…
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LW: Most of my friends are grad students on stipend, and your stipend is much larger than any at my University! My friends all took out cost of living loans to keep them in grad school. This is a common thing students do so they can focus on their studies and not have to work at the same time. I encourage you to look into it – it is very common and the rates are comparable to education loans. Grad School is a privileged and your health should be worth the sacrifice to take out loans to get yourself back on track (assuming you cannot take previous advice to move back home temporarily and get well).
LW, I think you do have options. Can you move home till school starts? This makes the most sense to me. Can you work an easy (not sure if you are able to work or not) part time job? Get a part time job and move out. When I was in grad school we would share a house, duplex, apartment, or whatever with multiple friends. One small house might have 6 people living in it. We found places to live by asking around or looking at ads in the school paper or local paper. Ask other grad students you know. Ask your professors. Ask your girlfriends. Ask at your church, your exercise gym, your local coffee shop. We lived in the grungiest little places but we were too busy to really care about our living arrangement. All you need is a place to put your mattress that is semi private. Surely you have another grad school friend who can take you in or knows of someone looking for a roommate. I think I made a whole $10,000 a year in grad school. Good luck. Don’t stay with the abusive boyfriend that’s for sure.
I recommend contacting a domestic violence organization. They can set you up with resources to escape.