“My Boyfriend is Addicted to Singles Apps”
I know what he’s doing because I check his browser history. We’ve been fighting about it for months. I don’t sleep because I know what he does when I go to sleep and I’m depressed by it. I’ve told him about my concerns, told him there’s no reason a guy in a serious relationship should be regularly being on those apps unless he’s not happy and he’s searching for a replacement. His response: “I’m not looking for anyone else. I’m happy with you. It’s just an outlet to relieve stress.” Am I wrong to be upset by this, to be losing sleep and feeling my self-esteem plummet? — Lost Sleep
Oh, my. What I’m most concerned about is not so much what you’re currently dealing with, but about what must have happened to you in your past that makes the relationship you have now seem “great” in comparison, because, no, no, no. This is not great. Nothing about what you describes indicates that there’s anything tolerable, let alone “great” about your relationship. Your boyfriend rushes you through sex? He refuses to go anywhere with you? You both go without sleep every night? You check his internet history all the time? He uses singles apps to relieve stress? Maybe if he didn’t spend all his time sneaking around he wouldn’t feel stressed out.
But that’s beside the point, really. The point is that your relationship boat has sailed and it’s time for you to MOA. This is beyond saving. You shouldn’t want to save it. People in salvageable relationships don’t spend every waking hour basically cheating on their significant others. You say there’s “no reason a guy in a serious relationship should be regularly visiting those apps unless he’s not happy,” which is partially true. The whole truth is that there’s no reason a guy in a serious, monogamous relationship should EVER be visiting those sites unless the relationship is finished. A healthy relationship has trust, companionship, respect, love, and intimacy. Without those things, you’re essentially left with a roommate who spends a lot of time on the computer. Face it: this relationship is over. Donezo, finis. MOA, LW, and give that loser boyfriend of yours a legitimate reason to cruise the singles apps.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Totally agree, Wendy. LW, This is bad! This is too big of a thing to be fixed.
This is definitely a case of MOA if I ever saw one. He hasn’t respected you for months and he isn’t respecting you now. Dump. His. Ass.
I have to agree with Wendy here. I’m not sure how “things are going great” when, from your letter, it sounds like every waking second he is chatting on these sites and not giving you any time out of his day.
If you’ve confronted him about it and there isn’t any change, you need to move on. It might suck because you have so much time invested, but he isn’t giving you anything.
Question though… was he like this before you moved in with him? I mean you must have had some kind of interaction apart from what you’ve said, otherwise I’m not sure how you even have a relationship with someone like that.
I think you hit the nail on the head. She has alot of time invested and doesn’t want to walk away from it.
Also, before they moved in, she didn’t see what he was doing when the weren’t around. After I got married, I moved in with my now husband and there were all sorts of stuff that I found out. For example, he is an avid professional wrestling fan. So he would tivo it when we went out and watched it later. We dated for years and I had no idea. No matter what, there are things you can only know about someone once you live together. Unfortunately, the LW has a much creepier thing going on.
I’m going to have to quote a recent ReginaRey reaction on this one (hope you don’t mind, RR!)… “WHY DO WE DO THIS?!?! Why do we cling to the mere whisper of a relationship, when the truth is screaming and spitting in our faces?!”
LW, I’m sorry if it’s tough to hear, but this relationship is OVER. It may take some time to get over since it’s taken up 2 years of your life, but the sooner you move on the sooner you’ll find someone with whom you can discover what a great relationship really is!
“things are going great so far”.
Yeah, they’re not.
Yea, it sounds like this relationship is done. Even if the LW wants to hang on until her boyfriend meets someone else on these chat sites and breaks up with her, its just a matter of time- there’s no saving it. Sorry LW 🙁 please please save some dignity and dump him before he dumps you.
Sorry honey. Normally, people on this site would be telling you to communicate or investigate therapy but you have already communicated and therapy can’t help someone unwilling to change. There is a difference between legitimate addiction and choice made by free and unfettered will. He makes his choice every night knowing it damages you – now it’s time for you to make a choice of your own.
Huh? You yourself say you’re feeling yourself esteem plummet. Why would you want to stay in a situation where you acknowledge that is happening? I understand that it will be hard to move on from a lengthy relationship, and physically move out, but this is truly ridiculous. You are sad, stressed, and feeling down on yourself. I’ll tell you right now what you probably already know: being lonely in a relationship is one of the worst feelings in the world. Better to be “alone” and feel okay about yourself (which will get better as each day goes by) than stay in a soul-sucking relationship in which online interaction with strangers is more enticing to your boyfriend than a relationship with the living, breathing person he’s living with.
I agree with Wendy so much here. What the hell happened to this LW in the past to make her think that this is a relationship worth being in?!
LW – This relationship is NOT healthy. I don’t know what you’ve experienced in the past, I don’t know what kind of relationships you witnessed growing up – But this is NOT HEALTHY. A boyfriend is someone who doesn’t rush sex in order to chat with single girls online; a boyfriend is someone who wants to spend time with you during the DAY; a boyfriend is someone who loves you and respects you and treats you as an equal partner – not someone who treats you like a second-class citizen.
You are completely, 100% responsible for the situation you’re currently in. You can’t control what your boyfriend does, but you CAN control your reaction to it. The reaction you need to be exhibiting is that of swift, complete, utter dumping. Leave him. Today. He’s proven to you time and again that he doesn’t care about this relationship, doesn’t care all that much about you, and never will.
Then, get yourself to a therapist. With the help of a professional, I think you can begin to discover why you’ve accepted so, so little out of life and this relationship. Please, let someone help you redefine what constitutes a healthy relationship.
“Things are going great” and “We’ve been fighting about it for months.” These 2 statements, taken together, are oxymorons. No honey, things are not going great.
Your boyfriend is a weirdo.
Simple and to the point…I love it haha.
Please listen to me LW. That little voice inside you that says you can’t do better… the one that says no one else will ever love you… the one that says it will be way too hard to start over… is a BIG. FAT. LIAR.
I don’t care how long you have been with this guy. I don’t care how old you are. I don’t care how inconvenient it will be for you to move out of a shared apartment/start dating again/ whatever it is that is keeping you from moving on. You need to stop this insanity. This guy is an asshole. And you deserve so much more. I wish I could tell this guy off for you. But, I can’t. So, think about all of our voices there with you when you do it.
I can’t wait to see your update in a few weeks/months… when you are on your way to a new life!
LW, I feel so bad for you that you said this: “Things are going great except for his addiction to singles chat sites.”
As others have pointed out, what about this relationship is great?? A big fat nothing, that’s what.
In order for a relationship to work out in the long term, you need to have similar values and want the same things. It seems like you value trust, honesty and committment, and clearly he does not. He has no plans on changing his behavior and he doesn’t display any of the traits you’d want in a partner. MOA and do it fast.
Your relationship is over..or there wasn’t really one there to begin with, I can’t really tell. But thats what it sounds like because besides your ‘boyfriend’ treating you like crap while you were(eek, are) living together there he sounds like he has a serious addiction which is really affecting his life which means he probably, well almost 100%, did this throughout the first two years you were dating. Which means he’s never really been ‘in’ it with you. If you still care about him I would leave a therapists number as you walk out the door.
MOA. There is no possible way that the good things in this relationship could outweigh all the bad ones. With all the time he spends on singles sites and then fighting you about it, I don’t know where he has the time to do anything “great.” There are plenty of people out there who won’t sit on singles sites all night, so go find one of those.
Oh, wow. Please leave him. His habit/addiction isn’t a method of stress relief or whatever other bullshit excuse he’s giving you. He prefers it to having sex with you, sleeping in bed with you, and going out with you. When you’re getting ready to leave the house, he’s hiding his pleasure at having a few hours alone with his computer. When he hears your key in the door, he’s thinking “Fuck” as he x’s out all the windows. Next time you leave, just don’t come back & see if he even notices. What are you doing to yourself?
You’d probably be better off dating a vibrator. At least then you can get off properly AND be able to check Facebook after because the computer won’t be tied up.
Plus a vibrator doesn’t know how to surf the internet.
I’m going to say something nasty but true in the hopes that it will get you angry enough to leave.
So you live with this dude. He has sex with you, but on his terms, where he rushes you so he can get back to his addiction.
Do you do things around the apartment? Have you been buying groceries? Cooking? Paying part of the rent? Utilities?
What I’m getting at is that you are doing things for this relationship while your boyfriend gives the absolute minimum necessary to keep you around, and then spends the bulk of his time basically HANGING OUT WITH OTHER CHICKS.
He’s using you as a placeholder while he CONTINUES DATING.
He is using you, as his sex toy, his maid, his meal ticket, while he keeps shopping for a girlfriend.
He’s not your boyfriend, LW – boyfriends treat their girlfriends like girlfriends, not objects. He’s not even treating you like a person, let alone a girlfriend.
For me, chatting on the internet isn’t necessarily a crime onto itself, and it’s all dependent on where the chatting takes place and the context of how it happens. If the chatting is done on a specific website or forum where there is no expectation of romantic relationship formations (like Dear Wendy or a forum for a specific interest), I don’t see the harm in that. Things get a little more tricky when the chatting is done on sites where you are paired at random with various users (like Omegle, Chatroulette or various IRCS) – there’s so much temptation TO cheat, but without the transcript of the chat in question, it’s hard to say if cheating is actually taking place.
Chatting on a singles chat site though, especially when paired with an account to pair you up with other available singles, is a whole different ball game, and horribly offensive to your relationship. The fact that the guy uses you for physical sex and THEN goes for emotional interaction on these websites with other people is WRONG. LW, please MOA and DTMFA!
I think you need to ask yourself this question, if your friend was in this position and emailing you with this problem, what would your response be? Can you see how not normal it is from that perspective. I know it is hard to MOA when you’re living with someone but that is what you need to do. Find yourself a new place to live, get everything in order, have support of friends and family if they’re close and then tell him you’re leaving. Don’t tell him you want to break up before you do these things though because it will be much easier to be won over by but I swear I’ll change if you haven’t already created an exit plan.
His excuse of using these chat rooms as a stress-reliever rings a bell. I just finished working on a legal case where a man spent his day surfing the web looking at porn (some of it very hard core) instead of working. He taught fifth-grade music. His excuse? Things were not going well at home and he needed to relieve some stress. Well, guess what? He lost his job, his teaching credential, his future, his wife and his daughters. Yeah, no stress there.
Don’t really have much to add – everyone already pretty much hit the nail on the head. I just hope the LW realizes it and truly takes everything to hart. At least take everything said here and really think about it. You’ll be much happier once you find a guy who will put you first!
Essentially you are just someone to split the rent with.
If he says it’s just for stress relief, he shouldn’t mind if you sat down next to him while he’s chatting. If he refuses, M.O.A dear LW, sorry.
LW, have you gone on these sites yourself ? maybe you could meet someone new ! : )
He rushes you through sex so he can look/talk/masturbate to other girls; that alone should scream time to move on. He may be an addict but if he’s not willing to get help or even talk about it, he’s not going to change. I have a lot of addiction in my family and I’m typically very understanding about it because of that but this amount of disrespect with no attempts to address his problem is unacceptable. You don’t get a pass for stealing just because you’re an addict and you don’t get a pass for treating your partner like crap just because you’re an addict. At some point, you have to own up to your actions and try to get help, which he is obviously not ready to do. LW, I would move on if I were you simply because it always get worse before it get better and if he won’t even acknowledge that it’s a problem, if he dismisses it with the “I’m so stressed” excuse, he still has a ways to go before he hits rock-bottom. Some addicts reach that point over and over again only to keep slipping and it is exhausting and painful to be the loved one watching it. In the end only you can decide if your relationship is worth all the pain he has already put you through, and all the pain he will continue to put you through in the future. If he isn’t an addict and is simply just a jerkface with no respect for you the advice to MOA is still the same, I would just mess with his online profiles before kicking him out/leaving. Maybe sign him up for a Single Cat Site…
LW- I agree with Wendy and most of the other commenters; this relationship is clearly NOT “going great” and in my opinion, probably not salvageable. Just the fact that you think it’s going well is enough to make me seriously question your judgment, and wonder if maybe you could benefit greatly from some time alone to reflect (and possibly get some therapy).
To be extra clear, since everyone seems to see this but you LW, the big problem here isn’t that your boyfriend has a time-intensive hobby. If he were online playing video games all the time, or even watching a moderate amount of non-interactive porn, but he was being honest and open with you about it, and responded to you maturely if and when you voiced concerns, that would be a whole other ball of wax. Do you see the difference?
To help makes things a little more clear for you, I’m going to break down some of the exact reasons *why* this relationship appears to be so flawed to everyone but you (in my opinion, of course):
1) Your boyfriend isn’t just online passively watching porn, he’s INTERACTING with other SINGLES online. And he’s doing it far more often than would probably be healthy even if he were single. But he’s not single! Most would consider this unhealthy and obsessive behavior at best, and many would consider it cheating as well. And even if he doesn’t consider it cheating, YOU clearly do. So he is engaging in a behavior that is disrespectful to your relationship boundaries.
2) He makes ridiculous excuses (I’m stressed so I can cheat!) when you voice your concerns, instead of making any attempt to compromise or be honest. You’ve been fighting for months. No couple is perfect and everyone has disagreements, but a good partner RESPONDS actively when their significant other voices a concern. They do not refuse to even compromise. So can you keep having this same fight forever? Because he’s basically put you in a position to either accept his behavior, or leave.
3) You don’t trust each other. He closes the browser when you approach, you snoop his computer. And you’re right to not trust him, he’s a proven, consistent liar. Is that a trait you want in a “great” partner?
4) He rushes you through sex, and refuses to go places with you during the day. Perhaps less serious than the other issues, but again, he is entirely unresponsive to the fact that his behavior is depressing you and causing you to literally lose sleep. As stand alone issues, you could maybe work on these or try and get to the bottom of them. But you’ve already done that, and his response has been wholly unsatisfactory for you. You have already communicated substantially, and he has done nothing to compromise or improve the relationship. What does that tell you about how much he cares about your relationship?
Bottom line- LW, you are with a guy that disrespects you, takes you for granted, and wipes his ass with your happiness. The fact that you can’t see that makes me very sad.
You don’t have the power to change anyone but yourself. You’re living with a man who has a habit that makes you depressed and is damaging your self esteem. He’s let you know that he has no plans to stop. Your choices are limited but clear. Accept his behavior and the consequences to you or move on.
LW, please go to therapy so you can better understand why you are willing to settle for such a dysfunctional relationship. Your BF is one part of the problem but your putting up with it is the other part. You owe it to yourself to have the best life possible and right now it doesn’t seem that you believe that. As in most cases, we are our own worst enemies when it comes to our own happiness.
Yeah, LW, there isn’t much left for you with this guy. So I recommend leaving him. Make your plans without telling him so there isn’t any opportunity for him to sweet-talk you into staying. When everything is ready, and when you leave, feel free to tell him that he would benefit from help, if it’s truly an addiction he’s struggling with. But you aren’t the help he needs. I think it’s easy to want to be that support system for someone, and sometimes it’s appropriate, but in this case, both of you are better off without the other.
I agree with everyone here that you should leave as soon as possible. But I wanted to add something, based on personal experience.
If you decide to give it a try / convince yourself that it’s not that big of a problem / write an update saying you were misread and he actually IS a great guy most of the time only you forgot to mention it, and after you pester him enough it looks like he’s stopped, watch out. It’s not that uncommon to change addictions when people around you start equating the thing you do compulsively with trouble. That way everyone thinks you’ve stopped, feels thankful, gives you space and doesn’t notice you’re now addicted to something else.
I used to live with a porn addict (he was more like an addiction addict, actually), and when our relationship was about to collapse because of it (no sex, he would lock himself in the bathroom with his computer first thing every morning, etc) and I said I wanted out he suddenly stopped. BUT he turned to alcohol. And then I started trying to remember and I realized that even though the porn thing was the longest period, I had seen him compulsively doing ketamine, then cocaine, then food, then making new friends obsessively, then watching porn, then drinking.
Drinking made him violent and annoying so I showed him Diablo II and HE BECAME ADDICTED TO IT. Then the second time he disappeared in the middle of a conversation and I found him playing when I looked around the house for him I left.
And it wasn’t any kind of wake up call, that was a year ago and he’s still sending me crazy emails blaming me for ruining his life leaving in such a cruel and unpredictable way and “not knowing what unconditional means”.
I’m still asking myself WTF was I thinking. (Actually I know what I was thinking. He was absolutely hot and loved going dancing with me. But anyway).
Really, LW, I hope you leave. Take care of yourself.
*headdesk*
Honey, you have an internet junkie. A chatroom junkie to boot. He enjoys chatting with anonymous people. Women. Specifically, SINGLE WOMEN. Why? So he can flirt with them, and more than likely, engage in cybersexual relations with them.
You are miserable. You have aired your concerns and are now becoming his psuedo-jailer. This isn’t a relationship. Yes, you two live together, but you aren’t happy, and honestly, neither is he. What’s the point? … Yeah, there is none.
Walk the fuck away. Either kick him out, or move yourself out. Either way, don’t live together anymore and don’t take his ass back. Grow a backbone and stop being a doormat.
He’s lying to and is more attached to singles chat sites than he is to you – the person he says he loves lying in the bed next to him – happily choosing to deny himself an actual human connection because he seems to get greater pleasure via the internet connections he’s making. You’re playing sleep “chicken” with him – intentionally denying yourself rest for a fully unfulfilling and stress filled “gotcha” moment. Putting up with “rushed” (which must = unsatisfying) sex, snooping through search histories – again for the “gotcha” moment that doesn’t change anything. Arguing repeatedly about a behavior your boyfriend is unwilling (and maybe unable) to change, behavior that is starting to negatively impact your emotional and physical health.
Why in the world do you want to stay in this depressing, soul crushing, unhealthy situation? You can’t change him, but you can change your reaction to his treatment of you. MOA please. You also might want to talk to a counselor to find out why you’ve put up with this for so long. You deserve better treatment, a better living situation, a better partner, better health.
Oh yeah, if he’s using your computer, clear your personal info off, change your passwords, then give him that machine and get yourself a new one. There’s no telling what kind of computer viruses, trojans, worms, bots, and other electronic issues are lurking on that machine because of his surfing and possible downloading. Some of those singles chat sites are a hacker’s paradise.
Move on!! About 11 years ago I dated a guy who would call hotlines to engage in phone conversations with random people. I still think about how strange that is. And this is just as, if not more strange. Weirdo on your hands!