“My Boyfriend is Going to Two Weddings with Other Women!”
If you and your boyfriend are exclusive — i.e., not dating anyone else but each other — he shouldn’t have accepted an invitation to be someone’s date to a wedding without making sure you were OK with it first. I can appreciate that people bring “dates” to weddings all the time that aren’t romantic dates, but more of the platonic variety. And I can think of some circumstances where it might make sense for a woman to ask her platonic male friend to accompany her to a wedding, even if that friend has a new girlfriend — like, if the wedding is in the male friend’s town and the female friend is flying in from somewhere else and the wedding gives them a chance to catch up. But still. You are the girlfriend now — a girlfriend of five months — and you deserve some respect. The right thing to do would be for your boyfriend to give a good explanation for why he wants to be another woman’s date to a wedding in a way that makes it clear you have no reason to feel jealous or threatened (and he should also be showing appreciation to you for being so accommodating).
Also, is it just a coincidence that your boyfriend was invited to two weddings as a “plus one” or does he have tons of women friends? Is he, like, a super good-looking guy whom women would be proud to take to a wedding a show off as if he’s their date-date? Is there any chance these women like him and he’s either unaware of their feelings or, worse, likes that they’re into him? These are all just questions to consider and discuss with your boyfriend if you have concerns about the intentions of these women in his life. It’s entirely possible everything is strictly platonic and there’s no reason to worry beyond a basic concern that your boyfriend show a little more respect for your role as his girlfriend. But it’s also always good not to be naive.
Trust your gut; if you feel like you have reason to worry, talk to your boyfriend about your concerns. If you don’t feel right about your boyfriend attending these weddings as other women’s dates, tell him why you feel that way and let him explain why it’s so important to him to go. If he doesn’t have a good explanation beyond, “My friends asked me!”, you need to let him know that’s not enough. If you’ve agreed to be exclusive, that means you don’t go on dates with other people unless there’s a very good reason to and that the platonic nature of the date is understood by all parties.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
This is super uncool of your boyfriend. He should’ve asked you first without automatically accepting! One time I was dating someone for two months when my roomate asked if I would be her boyfriend’s roomate’s date to an event. I had never met this guy but I figured why not, he knows I have a boyfriend. I asked my boyfriend who was totally fine with it because he knew it was nothing romantic. Well….I’ve now been dating that blind date I went to the event with for almost 3 years. While the story doesn’t put me in a very flattering light you need to realize that your boyfriend is someone’s DATE to a wedding. He’s playing with fire.
Totally agree with Wendy on this. While I don’t think it’s *wrong* of your boyfriend to have accepted these invitations, he definitely should have had the decency to at least discuss it with you first. Either he’s completely clueless, or he purposefully didn’t run it by you because he knew you wouldn’t have wanted him to go. I think when you sit down and discuss this with him, you should be able to gather really quickly whether it was a clueless mistake, or something more premeditated. It kind of reminds me of the letter a while back where the boyfriend purposefully “forgot” to mention to his girlfriend that he had been hanging out with an old flame…and it seemed obvious that the reason was so his girlfriend couldn’t forbid him from doing it.
Just be cautious, LW, and like Wendy said, trust your gut.
From the information given, I think the difference with this letter is that the boyfriend told her right away about the weddings. He didn’t try to keep it from her. He just didn’t ask before saying yes to the other girls. I’m leaning toward him being clueless.
That doesn’t give him a pass, but I would give him the benefit of the doubt.
Yeah, I don’t see the same purposeful deception that was definitely present in the other letter, but I was still reminded of it when reading this letter. Mostly because I still want the LW to pay attention and be aware, like Wendy mentioned, of signs that maybe the boyfriend enjoys the attention a little too much, or lacks a certain respect of their relationship.
Yeah. I see your point. His reaction when she talks to him will be very telling. As long as she doesn’t come at him angry so he doesn’t react and become defensive.
As necessary as good communication is, it’s also really hard.
Totally agree on the clueless part. I’m kinda surprised people think this is so wrong, especially since they’ve only been together a few months. I’d go to a wedding with a male friend and I don’t think I’d do more than mention that I was going. I don’t think I’d ask permission and I really, really don’t think I would if I were only with a guy for a few months. Maybe I’m clueless though, but if a girl-friend asked my SO of several years to go to a wedding with him as a friend, I really wouldn’t mind.
Maybe I’m just cranky this morning, but if he thought nothing of it (which I think is the case) and she goes all detective on him questioning his motives, etc., I wouldn’t be surprised if that turned out quite badly for her.
I don’t see the big deal either.
Exactly what I thought.
I really like Wendy’s advice. I didn’t know who to feel about the situation while reading the letter, but I think Wendy hit on all major points. I like that she brought up different viewpoints on this one because there is just no way of knowing from the letter what everyone’s thought process was while making these decisions.
I do think that you were disrespected, LW, in the fact that he didn’t discuss this with you first.
My first reaction would probably be to blow up, or realistically, let it sit and fester until I blow up. But I think your best course of action is to have a rational and calm conversation with your boyfriend. Figure out where his thoughts lie and work together for the best solution to make you both happy.
I think he should have checked in with you to make sure you were okay with it but unless there is a reason to be concerned about these particular women he is taking then I wouldn’t stress too much. To him it might just be no big deal – he is helping a friend out. Tell him that going forward no more plus ones if they make you uncomfortable. When I got together with my now husband he was invited as a plus one by a friend of his and I ended up ironing his shirt for him the night he went – and told him no more dates with other women. He had an alright time and brought me a cupcake at the end of the night – so win win!
Maybe getting to know the girls he is taking before the weddings might alleviate some of your jealousy? I didn’t know the girl that invited my husband – turns out she had her own agenda – but before he went he knew to not do anything that would jeopardize the relationship he had with me. Ultimately it comes down to trust – if you trust him and he is worthy of that trust – it will be fine.
This is kind of a weird situation– most women I know would ask a gay buddy, or even a female friend, to a wedding if they weren’t dating anyone.
However, there ARE certain dudes that just make great dates? For example, I took the same guy to my junior and senior prom, just because he was a low-maintenance (free of drama), good-looking, platonic friend who liked to dance. Maybe your boyfriend is this kind of guy?
I do think Wendy’s right though, & he should have brought it up to you before he accepted. Just a “oh hey, would you be comfortable with this?” Maybe meet these female friends (or “friends”) before the weddings, just to see the vibe? Personally, this would only make me very uncomfortable if everyone from the party was planning to stay over at a hotel afterwards.
Yeh, I have awesome guy friends I would invite to a wedding if I weren’t currently dating someone. But I would never ever invite them if they had a girlfriend at the time. I think that’s the difference here.
You’re right. I don’t think I would either. I’m trying to imagine a scenario where I would ask someone’s boyfriend to be a date to a wedding. I wouldn’t.
Ok, I’m clearly the minority here. But I think you are right that some guys are just fun date friends. I’ve gone to weddings with male friends who had girlfriends (granted they knew and liked me, but I don’t think they’ve asked permission).
Agreed.. I was just thinking how weird it would be (for me) to ask a guy who had a new-ish girlfriend who’s still getting established in their relationship to be my date.. Knowing my own insecurities, I’d feel bad that she might get the wrong idea.
Maybe he is a great man date. But still… I’d try to find someone else.. Unless the guys I asked all had other obligations, I guess I could see why they asked!
Giving him the benefit of the doubt, that these are strictly platonic non-dates with friends and nothing more, I think it’s understandable that you’re feeling left out. Since your boyfriend is the plus-one for both weddings and not an actual invited guest, he really has two options: go or not go. It sounds like there are no circumstances where you could attend these weddings with him. What he could have done, though, was be more sensitive to your feelings and I think you should definitely tell him directly how you feel.
I would say that if he’s close friends with the couples that are actually getting married (maybe the bride and groom, the female invited guests and your boyfriend are all in a big group of friends?) than he should go. But if he doesn’t know the bride and groom and is just going to give his female friends someone to hang out with, well, that’s sort of crossing a line. It may be strictly platonic and it’s easy to rely on friends of the opposite sex as a surrogate boyfriend for weddings and other events, but that should stop now that he has an actual girlfriend. It’s a question of roles and priorities. Now that he’s the main man in your life, he should also be acting as the main man in his female friends’ lives as well. Of course these girls can still be good friends with your boyfriend, but they both need to find another man to step in for date-like situations in respect for your new, genuinely romantic relationship.
I should also add that I tend to be on the conservative side when it comes to the kind of platonic relationships that are appropriate for men and women in relationships. You may ultimately decide that once you’ve discussed your feelings with your boyfriend and he (hopefully) acknowledges them and apologizes for making you feel uncomfortable, that you have no problem with him being someone’s non-date. I just know that I’d have to know the girl pretty darn well to not be weirded out by that. Not because I thought anything romantic or sexual would happen, but because being someone’s date can be intimate and I wouldn’t want someone taking that place instead of me.
Hmmmm… I don’t like the fact that he didn’t say to you “hey, I have these wedding invites, how do you feel about me accepting them?” I think he should have discussed it with you.
One thing that I’ve learned is that if you feel hurt, that’s ok. Even if it’s over something simple, it’s still ok to be hurt as long as you maintain a level head.
I would approach this as “Hey, I wish you would have talked to me about the weddings before accepting the invites, I feel disrespected because weddings can be important. I understand that you have other friends, but at the same time, I’m hurt that I wasn’t involved in this.”
I don’t think you feeling uncomfortable is unreasonable, but even if it was, it’s important to address with your boyfriend.
I also agree with Wendy. Are these long time friends of his that are getting married? Or is it just two random girls that are friends with him that invited him to a wedding?
If they were all mutual friends, he probably would have gotten his own invitation. I would look into the friendships to make sure he doesn’t have a wandering eye I guess.
Just stay calm when you address it. Conversations about things that upset you always have to stay calm, otherwise everyone gets on the defensive, arguments ensue, and nothing gets accomplished.
Agreed that he should have cleared it with you before saying yes and Wendy’s advice is spot on.
I’m actually in your boyfriend’s position right now. I’m friends with a group of guys and one of them is getting married this summer. I’m not close with him (not enough that I’d expected to be invited to the wedding) but 2 of the guys in the group are very good friends of mine. Neither of them are dating anyone at the moment so they invited my best friend and I as their plus ones, since we’re friends with the bride and groom and they know we’ll all have a really good time.
The difference here is that once my friends suggested it to us, I discussed it with my boyfriend and over the course of the 2 years that we’ve been together – he’s met these friends many many times, knows what kind of friendship we have and is comfortable with me going. He doesn’t really see it being much different than when I go out with this group on weekends sometimes without him.
I think you should bring up your concerns with your boyfriend and explain that while you trust him and don’t want to overreact, it made you feel a bit off that he wouldn’t think to discuss that with you. If the girls live nearby, maybe he can organize a meet-up so you can get to know them and put your mind at ease.
Yeah he should have discussed the invites with the LW (especially since there are two of them, which is odd) but I know my boyfriend can be clueless enough that maybe the LW’s boyfriend didn’t think it was a big deal to bring it up, since he might see nothing wrong with his relationship with the other women. But it’s entirely possible that there is something off in his relationship with these women that he may not even see.
But I also don’t see it as being very different from going to a bar alone with the opposite sex. I think that the boyfriend should have brought it up on his own, but it’s not being an over protective girlfriend to discuss it so both of you are comfortable about the situation.
I consider myself a pretty un-jealous person. My husband has MANY female friends (that are far hotter than myself, and are more numerous than his male friends) that he spends time with in large groups, and sometimes in small groups or one on one without me. BUT, he ALWAYS gives me a heads up. Neither one of us would ever make plans with anyone unless we ran it by the other person first. Mostly, this is just to confirm that we don’t have other things going on at that time, but it’s mainly because neither one of us want the other to feel disrespected in any way. I personally wouldn’t care one lick if he went to a couple of weddings with some female friends, whether they like him or not. Frankly, I trust him to know what my boundaries are and not to overstep them, and should anyone try to get him to overstep them, I know he’d stop them and pretty much end that friendship. I don’t see any use being jealous, especially when there’s been no reason to distrust him OR his girl friend. But, that’s me.
LW, I look at your siutation pretty much like this – you absolutely cannot help that you feel jealous, but the crux of the issue, as Wendy has mentioned, is a lack of respect on your boyfriend’s part. As the girlfriend, you have a right to be included in decisions like this, and to remove that right from you is absolutely disrespectful. You should definitely address this with him in order to prevent future instances, but don’t approach it in the jealous girlfriend way – make sure to approach it as now that you are his girlfriend, you would appreciate more communication when it comes to how you both spend your time apart from one another. It’s certainly not wrong for him to have female friends and to spend one-on-one time with them, but it’s absolutely wrong to make plans and blindside you with them. Respect and trust are essential to keep a relationship solid.
hm… i kind of disagree with everyone that he should be somehow asking for “permission” (the word the LW used) to go somewhere with a friend. I think that maybe you, LW, and everyone here is freaking out a little bit because its a wedding, where there is love and champagne and hooking up with bridesmaids everywhere (amiright?), and that he is considered their “date”, which implies romance as well.
without details about the relationships he has with these women, its hard to really say either way.
one senario is that he is shady, and actually going to be the romanic date at the wedding of these women.
the other is that he has had some friends invite him to a wedding, and he wants to go have a good time with his friends… i mean who doesnt love a wedding? i would always say yes to go to a wedding.
your upset about this, obviously, and you need to address it. you need to tell your boyfriend that you are uncomfortable about him going out with other girls. you need to work it out with him. although, i guess, working it out will only happen if its senario #2. if he is honestly trying to get with these women, you should obviously MOA.
and one last thing, there was a forum topic about getting jealous when your boyfriend goes out without you a few days ago, and someone in there had a fantastic quote- acknowleding your head and your emotions are sometimes seperate- “we like him. we trust him. we are not a manatee” I used it last night, and it helped. Maybe all you need is some trust in your guy.
Oh sad – why are the manatees getting a bad rap? They’re so cute and friendly….
i think its just a boost to your self esteem. i mean, manatees are pretty huge, although i agree that there pretty cute… just floatin around, being manatees… haha
I like this!
What is this about “supposedly” good friends? LW, haven’t you met them yet?
See, I would get it if the weddings had tight guest lists so not all the friends could be invited while respecting plus ones so they invited each other. This situation could be super sketchy or just how one group of friends does things. He’s not keeping them from you but he needs to acknowledge your feelings of the situation.
Where is the jealousy stemming from? You don’t have to be the cool girlfriend if jealousy is called for and you think he’s trying to pull one over on you.
They’ve only been together a few months, so its not that surprising he has good friends she hasn’t met yet.
I’m trying to think of a scenario in which I, as a single female, would feel that it was appropriate to ask a coupled-up male friend to be my date to a wedding. I can’t think of a single one. It was definitely uncool of these girls to ask BF to be their dates (unless they didn’t know he’s dating somebody, which is shady by itself) or they asked him >5 or 6 months ago before he started dating the LW. And it was way uncool of the BF to accept without considering how it would make the LW feel. If I was in the LW’s place, it wouldn’t be an issue of jealousy necessarily, more an issue of “why did my boyfriend not consider how I might feel about this and tell me about it”?
I don’t think it’s shady that they asked him. I have had several guy friends through out my life that I have been incredibly close to. If I was single, and I wanted to bring a date, and my best friend was a guy, I don’t see the harm. Men and women can absolutely be friends without anything fishy going on. This is just a matter of the guy not making sure his girlfriend was cool with it first. Communication fail, but could be completely harmless.
I just really don’t see it as being a respectful thing to do. I don’t really believe in asking permission, and I don’t believe in walking on eggshells around a friend’s relationship, but I do think that as a female friend you need to consider that what you perceive as appropriate behaviour may not be perceived that way by your friend’s girlfriend and act accordingly. And I say this as someone who has many male friends, attached and not, and has previously had to adjust behaviour that was not well-received by serious girlfriends. I did it out of respect for their relationship and to send a message that I was not in any way trying to get in between my friends and their girlfriends, not because I needed to get a jealous girl off my back.
I totally agree that this could absolutely be harmless, but I still don’t think it was cool of the female friends to not stop and think of how the LW might feel in this case (if that is in fact what occured).
I definitely agree that the boyfriend wasn’t being the most considerate, but I think there’s a few scenarios where it’d be okay to ask a coupled-up dude to a wedding. Like…maybe these girls feel “safer” bringing a guy who has a girlfriend?
This sounds like something that would have happened with my ex-boyfriend. He has a ton of good friends who are girls, and he’s a fun, outgoing guy who would be a great date to a wedding. I could imagine any number of his friends asking him to go with them to a wedding, and him agreeing and seeing no issue with it. And really, the actual going to a wedding with a friend isn’t an issue at all. It’s respecting the relationship, which seems to be lacking from both the boyfriend and his friends, in this situation. I realize some people are quick to say it’s “only” been five months, but that’s not super-short in a grown up relationship (seeing as plenty of people get married within a year or two of meeting). And in my particular situation, my boyfriend never completely respected our relationship, and therefore never required his girl friends to respect it, and things like this kept happening over and over and over. I became jealous, like the LW, and not because I thought his friends were trying to steal him away, but because HE didn’t seem to hold me in any higher esteem than he held his friends.
If this is an isolated incident for the LW, then I think the best bet would be to have a discussion about why she was hurt, and move on, which means not bringing it back up at a later time. But if this is something that happens frequently, the LW needs to realize that her boyfriend may never give her and their relationship the respect she wants.
I had a boyfriend do this once. He was planning to go to a sci-fi convention to which I was not going. I didn’t mind that, but he told me that he was planning to share a hotel room with a female friend who was also going. I would’ve liked to have been told about that. What really miffed me was that he didn’t think to mention it until SHE asked him if I was okay with it. He was just clueless. But that taught me a basic rule: I like to be asked ahead of time and I like to meet the other person. It works pretty well.
As a guy, I would not have taken an invite to be another woman’s plus one date to a wedding if I had a girlfriend/SO I cared about. I am part of a couple, and I don’t attend social functions coupled with someone else. It is about respect and social acknowledgement of couple status. A key aspect of pairing up is that when your partner is going to get very dressed up, drink, dance, eat, laugh, and generally have a great time as a couple at a social event, YOU get to be part of the couple, not some other potential partner.
Similarly, if girlfriend of mine had agreed to go to a wedding with another man as his date, she would not be my girlfriend after that. If she did not consult me on the matter beforehand, and just announced that she was going, her stuff would be on the curb when she got back. There is in that case a lack of respect and disinterest in the social acknowledgement of me and our couple status that shows she simply does not give a rat’s….
And as I would not go to a wedding with another woman under those terms, and I expect the same treatment. But everyone has to determine their own boundaries I guess.
As for me, at five months, if I was willing to spend my weekends with some other gal at weddings, rather than with my girlfriend, I should let my girlfriend find a man crazier about her who wants to spend time with her. (Heck, at five months, the guy should still be insisting on spending nearly all weekend time in bed, if he is really into the woman. Just sayin’…)
“If they were all mutual friends, he probably would have gotten his own invitation.”
This is what gets me too. If it’s that his friends are getting married and he wants to attend the wedding, then why wasn’t he invited? But if it’s not his friends getting married and he’s just going as a plus one, then he’s maybe acting shady. Or maybe he’s just a nice guy helping out a friend. Its impossible to tell.
Whoops, supposed to be reply to amy.
This is just weird, in my opinion. If I was single and had a male friend in a relationship, there are very few circumstances in which I would ask said friend to accompany me to a wedding. Basically, I would only do it if I really needed the moral support for some reason. It just seems incredibly disrespectful to the friend’s girlfriend…Also, don’t these women have any single male friends, friends in non-exclusive relationship, or gay friends? Does this guy’s friends know he has a girlfriend? I think the guy is clueless and a bit of a moron for not even asking his girlfriend and the women are not respecting his relationship with his girlfriend. Or, one or both of these women have a crush on the LW’s boyfriend. This is coming from a woman who has several close male friends…I can’t imagine if I was single and one of my friends was in a serious relationship that I would ask one of my friends to accompany me to a wedding.
My first thought when I read this was, oh, this guy just doesn’t get it that he shouldn’t do something like this! But then, it seems pretty strange to me why two different girls would invite a guy who is in a relationship to a wedding. If it were me, he’d definitely be off limits, even if we were friends. It would be a matter of respect for his relationship.
I think the LW is handling this pretty calmly, and really, she needs to just TALK to him, and explain how it’s making her feel. Maybe he just didn’t realize she’d be bothered by this. (I certainly would be bothered by it!) Maybe there is some other motive involved, who knows. She’ll never know until she clears the air and talks to him. And by talking to him, she is NOT the “uncool” girlfriend. (The uncool girlfriend would have come unglued by now, I think!) And further, she should not just let things like this slide because she wants to be the “cool” and “understanding” girlfriend. She needs to be honest and let it be known when things bug her, even if it means making waves- easier said than done sometimes, but it’s all part of communicating!
The LW and her boyfriend seem to have a different understanding of their relationship. She thinks their relationship is serious and exclusive while the boyfriend thinks he is still free to date other girls. His actions seem to show that he is not serious. I agree with other commentators that she needs to have a calm discussion with her boyfriend about their relationship. The boyfriend seems rather shady and the LW may need to MOA.
I can agree with being alittle miffed that he didn’t atleast talk to you about accepting the invites. Understandable. But I don’t think its wrong that he accepted them or that he didn’t “ask permission”. You have only been dating 5 months, and though you might have discussed being exclusive, you are still just building the founndation fo your relationship and getting to know each other’s family, friends, lives, etc. It would be weird of these girls to ask your boyfriend to be their +1 is, lets say, you guys had been in a relationship for over a year, but 5 months is not that big of a deal.
Just a few month ago a very close male friend of mine (we’ve known each other over 10 years) asked me to be his +1 to a wedding of people we had went to HS with. He knows Id be fun and it would like to see some people from back in the day. At the time my boyfriend and I had been together for 6 months. I told him about the wedding/invite but didn’t “ask” him if I could go.
Good advice, Wendy.
There’s nothing wrong with your boyfriend being someone’s date, as long as everyone is aware that it’s platonic. And I think it’s really important that you meet these two friends of his, LW. The key to making this work is talking about it without becoming accusatory/defensive/angry, and that goes for all parties involved.
I have been several guy friends dates to big events, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years. Every time I’m asked, I double check with my dude to make sure all is copacetic. He knows most my friends at this point, so it’s pretty easy for everyone to feel comfortable.
As always, insecurity makes one so damn attractive…
You know what? Five mere months into a relationship is simply NOT the time to act or think like you are married. Why women so often FAIL to grasp this remains a huge, huge mystery to me.
I had a good guy friend in college and he was single for most of our twenties while I was always coupled up. I went to maybe 3 or 4 weddings with him as his plus 1, and I never thought anything of it. My boyfriends all knew him or at least knew of him and it was just understood that I was doing it as a favor and it was not at all an affront to our relationship. This is where trust and communication comes into play. Perhaps the newness of the LW’s relationship (read: uncertainty) makes the difference, but I honestly don’t see anything wrong with accepting an invitation to a wedding as a friend’s guest, while being in a different relationship.
I can see where both of you are coming from. I’d like to know more about the weddings like are they for random people he doesn’t know or are they mutual friends. Will others from his friend group be there. I would find it kind of weird that he agreed to go to two weddings of completely random people. Unless he really loves weddings.
At the end of the day though he brought this to your attention as soon as he was invited. If he had not done that (and you’ve had the we’re exclusive it’s just us, no other dates talk) then I probably would have been upset. Considering that he felt comfortable enough to share that information with you, you should feel comfortable enough to ask him a few questions about the weddings. And neither of you should have to ask permission to do something, but you can both talk about it and make the other comfortable with your decision.
Couple of thoughts…..
1. LW is assuming they’re exclusive, BF is not, perhaps?
2. BF is not mentally into that ‘couple’ mode yet (sheesh, it’s only been 5 months), and it just didn’t occur to him that he needs to ask LW’s permission before accepting an invitation to a social occasion with a platonic friend.
3. LW needs to chill, and have a CALM discussion with BF. NO crying fits and accusations, please, or BF will (rightly) be history. Just say that she’s still getting used to the whole ‘couple’ thing, and she’s feeling a little funny about him going on dates with other women, and wondering what he things about that. Just get the conversation started. You’ll learn a lot about each other.
Wait am I the only one who thinks it is shady that these girls are bringing someone they aren’t dating to a wedding as a plus one? It was my wedding etiquette understanding that a plus one is intended for a significant other…not “whoever you please guest.” I think that if you get a plus one to a wedding, you either bring a date or you suck it up and go alone or you decline. Weddings are not cheap.
What if your potential plus one still knows the bride/groom/other guests and wants to catch up? Well…if they know the bride and groom in any capacity, then there is a reason they weren’t invited to begin with. How uncomfortable for the couple to see people there who they know but clearly choose not to invite!
If I was LW, I would want to understand more about why these girls want to bring her boyfriend as a date in the first place. Is that they will literally know no other person at the wedding if he don’t go with them? Is there no single friend they have that they would rather bring? The whole thing just is suspect to me.
Am I just totally off base here!?
If I were dating someone I would probably decline a “friend’s” invitation unless I accepted prior to dating my s/o and it was strictly platonic. If it was a romantic chance I would politely rescind…hopefully with plenty of time to spare before the wedding for her to find another date.
The main question here is whether or not the LW has met/knows the “friends.” If she doesn’t, she should just ask to meet him. If he makes a big deal about it or makes promises of introducing them but it never happens, I say MOA.
My ex went to events and even trips with one of his “friends.” At first I was fine with it because plans had been made before I had even met him. After a few months I let him know I had no problem with him having girl-friends but that I wanted to meet them, particularly this one “friend” he hung out with the most. Every time I brought it up he would make promises to plan something to introduce us, but it never happened. Long story short, I found out (from his brother) on our anniversary that his “friend” was actually his other girlfriend.
This obviously isn’t always the case, and I really hope it’s not the case here. But if your gut tells you something’s up, you have to listen to it.
This is old… oh well…. I usually decline invitations to things that aren’t for me, and my girlfriend. If they don’t know me well enough to know I’m in a committed relationship, than they don’t know me well enough for me to grace them with my presence.
As far as being invited as a +1 why would anyone in a committed relationship accept being invited somewhere as a +1? Obviously if you’re a +1, and not the actual person being invited you must not know the person throwing the part, having the wedding, etc. very well, and if you were the person named on the invitation you’d be bringing the person you’re in a committed relationship with.
Seriously, if this was a girl going and. A guy asking the question, you’d all tell him he was being jealous, manipulative, controlling, and how dare he say he didn’t trust you. This comes down to trust plain and simple. You being there doesn’t mean nothing will happen, and if you feel like you have to always be around him to stop him cheating then he’s not the guy for you. Show a little faith in your relationship and stop trying to control him. Even if he is good looking who cares. He’s dating you, go to the gym, tone up, get hot yourself. Sure ask him about it, express your concern, but if he says they are just friends and it’s important, let that shit go. He’ll respect your more for trusting you. I know because I’m a guy, and an alpha, a bet would put up with this garbage but I wouldn’t.
Oh dear. Not even sure why I’m being kind enough to give this advice, but not only is the whole “alpha male” thing based on a total misreading of the dynamics of a particular wolf pack (it was two parents and some young wolves, no “beta’s ” involved) but the only thing proclaiming yourself an “alpha male ” does, is let women know not to touch you with the proverbial bargepole. Also this question is from 2012, so hopefully they sorted themselves out. Not having a go at you for not noticing that though, we’ve all done it when it is a topic we are interested in.