“My Boyfriend is Obsessed with CrossFit!”
He has twin daughters who just turned 13. I did my part, went to their Bat Mitvah and participated in all their events. I have three children, aged 20, 18, and 15. My 18-year-old daughter just graduated high school, and the night before the graduation my boyfriend told me he couldn’t come to the ceremony because he had a CrossFit party to attend. I, of course, am livid, hurt, and disgusted with him. He told me I didn’t invite him and that he thought the graduation was in the morning when it was, in fact, in the afternoon.
I don’t think I can forgive him for this. My daughter only graduates from high school once. I was never formally invited to his kids’ Bat Mitzvah, but I was smart enough to know I had to be there because I love his girls and wanted to support them and him. His actions, however, say it all. It was a slap in my and my daughter’s faces. What do you think? — Fit To Be Crossed
I think, if you want to look at one’s actions and what they say about one’s feelings, it’s just as telling that neither of you actually invited the other to your children’s big events as it is that your boyfriend chose a CrossFit party over your daughter’s high school graduation. I guess I don’t understand why, after five years together, you wouldn’t make sure your partner knew he was not only invited to your daughter’s graduation, but also was expected to come. Why wasn’t he included in the plans? Wouldn’t he, after five years in your lives and as your partner, warrant an invite to the post-graduation festivities — lunch or dinner or a family party? Wouldn’t you, at some point in the days leading up to the graduation ceremony, check in with him and make sure he knew where and when to go? And similarly, why didn’t he extend an invitation to you to his daughters’ Bat Mitzvah? Beyond your boyfriend’s obsession with CrossFit and your strange wording regarding your respective religions — as if his being Jewish has anything to do with his behavior — what strikes me as the most curious aspect of your question is simply your equal disregard for each other.
Perhaps after five years, things have simply run their course. Maybe with young children, neither of you was able to invest the needed time and energy into making this relationship a success, and now it seems neither of you can be bothered to actually end it either. But if that isn’t the case, and you believe there is too much between you to just throw away, then summon whatever fight you’ve got in you and make an effort to save your relationship. That means sitting down with your boyfriend and telling him you need him to make you — and your family — a priority in his life. You need to come above CrossFit.
Frankly, there’s an alarming lack of communication between you. I don’t know if that’s a symptom of a bigger problem or simply the cause of every other problem. But I do know that you won’t figure it out and you won’t move forward — whether it’s with him or not — unless you open your mouth and start communicating some of your needs. And when you do that, be sure to discuss what each of you wants in your future. Do you fit into one another’s grand plan? Is there space in each other’s respective futures? Do you even want the same thing? After five years, those are questions you are long overdue asking (and answering).
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At least you don’t have to worry about him letting himself go, amiright?
Also lets not be dramatic here – it wasn’t really a slap in your daughters face because I doubt she even cares who is at her graduation. Is that even a thing kids get mad about these days? I know I just wanted graduation to be over as quickly as possible and take the pictures that my mom insisted on so that I could get outta there and get my party on.
What are your life goals? I mean after 5 years you should know whether or not you’re going to be an integral part of each other’s lives. So have you just been casually dating for 5 years? Is that even possible? If so that’s a dream of mine. I would love to have a not serious but stable boyfriend forever, haha. But if that’s not your dream then maybe you both need to figure out why you’re together yet not there for any of the big things.
People who talk to strangers on the internet all day are totally weird. Dump Him.
🙂
WBS.
HAha, WBS. But I’ve had a few good friends join crossfit, and it’s totally changed them. One friend, that’s all she talks about, and we pretty rarely see her now. People get insanely obsessed with it, but don’t realize how boring it is to the rest of us.
Dump him and while you’re at it, wipe that chip off your shoulder.
So your boyfriend is a hard worker, has a great job, lives in a nice neighborhood and apparently is a super hottie with abs. Poor you!
Ok, finished reading. Sounds like a careless person. Sorry. Turn him into a booty call!
HOT… Sorry, but I’ve been to so many lame ass high school graduations… and so, I gotta confess, I can totally see why he might feel the need to bail. (Esepcially since you didn’t even bother to fucking invite him…) Sorry, but at the end of the day… Graduating High School truly ISN’T that impressive. How the fuck do you NOT graduate high school? It’s all rather silly and a chore to sit through for anybody BUT the immediate parents… Especially now that you’ve probably already faithfully attended preschool, kindergarden, elementary, and junior high graduations…. Enough is enough already!
Sorry, but I am being pressured to attend an 8th Grade Graduation this very weekend and am beyond annoyed by it.
haha, i saw a lawn yesterday that was way, way, over the top decorated for…. a middle school graduation. i laughed out loud to myself in the car at that one…
so, i wonder if this is all just a symptom of the larger problem that you havent really evaluated or talked about what role you fill in each other lives, and then also in your respective children’s lives? i think that is the root of the issue.
but, it would be good for you to know that just because you put in some sort of extra effort (going to the bat mizvah even though you didnt need to/werent “officially” invited) doesnt mean others are going to do the same thing. you cant just expect that from people if you dont make it known, you know? like, if this guy thinks that missing your kids graduation is no big deal, he probably wouldnt have cared if you didnt show up to his daughters bat mizvah’s because you had something else going on. so maybe you just need to adjust your expectations and what you put into your relationships with people.
but i will say, i dont get people who are “obsessed” with things- its a huge turnoff to me. obsession is not sexy.
I hate to say, but after dating total gym rat guys who can’t miss a single day of working out and are fitness obsessed to the point that it negatively affects other areas of life…the rock hard abs aren’t worth it to deal with someone else’s blatant narcissism. That’s not to say everyone that is passionate about working out is a narcissist, but I’ll assume given the missed life event and reference to his being a partner at a law firm, the religious difference, etc. his “needs” may seem to come first in the relationship more often than not. Take some time to reflect about where you see this relationship going and what kind of partner you ultimately want to be with and if he is willing/able to be that type of man. I don’t think I could date someone who didn’t show an interest in my likes, needs, family, etc. but looked good on paper and in the sheets. Is he loving, attentive partner? Does he share the same values as you and have similar goals for a shared future? If you can’t say yes to these questions after 5 years, I’d be worried.
I’m most bothered by the LW’s comparison of her being catholic/a good person to him being Jewish, having a good job, and living in a good neighborhood. Was she trying to say she’s a good poor person and he’s not because he makes money and is jewish or something? Comparing apples to oranges here. But my real advice is that sometimes people get really caught up in their hobbies/interests. Whether it’s crossfit, World of Warcraft, or scrapbooking, people have their interests and priorities. This event has just shown you where his priorities lie. And why didn’t he explicitly know he was expected to come?
Am I the only one who thinks it’s super weird she went to the Bat Mitzvah when she wasn’t invited? Like wouldn’t the lack of invitation be a clue that you’re not welcome…
YES!
I believe the LW when she says CrossFit is causing problems. People get obsessed. But I agree with Wendy’s points about a lack of communication. I also wonder if they are less serious than the LW thinks, specifically since we don’t know if he even wanted her to go to the bat mitzvahs. And because he seemed completely clueless that he’d ever be invited to the graduation. (Yes, she didn’t invite him, but his arguments conflict each other — if he didn’t think he was invited, then why did it matter what time the ceremony was?)
Perhaps the LW and her boyfriend need to revisit where they think this thing is headed?
I’m wondering if people here don’t really know about the cult of Crossfit. People become completely obsessed with it and there’s this weird “Us vs. Them” attitude and they promote the idea that they are fitter, better and smarter than people that aren’t in the program (it’s also dangerously injury inducing and ridiculously overpriced).
I’m not going to get into the semantics of “you didn’t really invite him.” Bullshit. After 5 years together it should be a given that you both attend the milestone events for all of the kids, his and yours. Blowing off your daughter’s graduation for a crossfit party is reprehensible, and I’m not usually strict about this kind of thing in my own life – I’m laid-back to a fault. But I’ve seen too much shit go on with Crossfit and my friends (it’s really popular in NYC) to think this is ok. I think it’s time to make it clear: family before Crossfit. Give him a chance. But don’t hold your breath, and keep an eye open for how he interacts with the other women in the program. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s interested in one of them, considering how willing he is to blow you off for these people.
Eeesh, “strange wording regarding your respective religions” is right. What the hell?
Also, what? LW, your response seems…a bit out of proportion. So he missed the graduation. He thought it was in the morning, or whatever, & planned to go to a Crossfit party the same day. Let it go.
I mean, I do understand being annoyed at his new obsession—from what I’ve heard, yes, people do get super obsessed with Crossfit. And this is why I don’t date “fitness freaks”. But I think missing your daughter’s graduation has less to do with Crossfit, & more to do with his role in your childrens’ lives? (like Katie said…is this REALLY about fucking Crossfit?)
It sounds like you’ve been “putting in work” to try & become part of his kids’ lives, despite him not asking you to, & now you’re growing resentful that he’s apparently not as dedicated as you are to acting as a support? There also seems to be a large communication problem here—as in, you two aren’t communicating at all.
Why would you expect someone to be at an event you hadn’t invited him to?
Take the boyfriend/girlfriend thing out of it for a moment. When you want to go, say, to a concert with one of your female friends, you make actual plans, right? You tell her you want her to come along, and you give her the date and time for the concert, so she can check and see if she has other plans, and so she can put it on her calendar.
Why doesn’t your boyfriend get the same courtesy? Is he supposed to be psychic? I wouldn’t make the assumption that my presence was expected at an event I wasn’t explicitly invited to. Why would he? What right do you have to be angry at him for making other plans, when you didn’t even tell him you wanted him to be there?
When my boyfriend has a family event that he’d like me to attend with him, he gives me the date and time as soon as he knows it. It’s just common courtesy.
I was also really surprised about the whole needing to clear up what religion everyone involved is… Um, really funny way of starting the letter.
Anyhoodles, ya, you have to talk to him. You have to have a nice long chat about what your expectations are and what he needs from you too. I’m sure if you had made it clear prior to the event that he had to be there it would have helped. But I also see how you would expect him to know he should be there. Sometimes you just have to spell things out for your mate even if you think it’s obvious.
The crossfit thing sounds a bit annoying but at least it’s a healthy obsession?
My husband and I started using outlook calendar invites for all important and semi-important events that the other one has to know about and/or attend… even its just “FYI – you need to be home to take care of the dog because I’m going out with the ladies”.
It’s been the best thing ever. Do it.
If you aren’t close enough to your bf of 5 years to actually do it, or he won’t agree to it, then you should probably re-evaluate if he actually needs to be at important events, ever.
I think the LW is playing the martyr here a little bit. We all think it’s strange that she started out her letter with “I’m a middle class, Catholic woman with a decent job. I always think of others first and try to do the right thing.” And then goes on to describe her boyfriend as a rich Jewish dude. Obviously, these differences are paramount to her. Deep down, I think these differences really bother her. Maybe she wants him to be some one he is not, and she just threw the Jewish thing out there as an example of how different he is from her.
I appreciate that this letter was short. Most people write in with a wall of text and just like to bitch. But it’s almost like she didn’t tell us enough here. When the boyfriend decided not to go to the high school graduation, it’s basically like he said, “I’m not going to be her stepdad.” Have you talked about getting married? It doesn’t sound like that’s even on the table, based on this letter. I mean, you’ve been together 5 years, and it sounds like he doesn’t want a serious commitment if he’s going to a Cross Fit event instead of the graduation.
Is what you want a serious commitment, with someone from a similar background and with similar interests? If it is, then this relationship is probably not for you.
I don’t know why everyone is making a big deal about not inviting him. Do you really need to invite somebody you have been dating for 5 years to something like that? Aren’t they kind of automatically invited at some point? I think that is kind of what the LW was getting at, that at this point of their relationship there are just things that you no longer need to do like invite your SO to an important event in yours or your daughters life, that is why she automatically new to go to his daughters events. The thing is Cross Fit does take over peoples life, and they don’t shut up about it, they really are like a cult, so I can see why the LW would be pissed that this guy is more worried about his work out of the day, or a party for his gym instead of her daughters graduation.
Sorry but I totally disagree with WWS. She should not have to invite a boyfriend of FIVE YEARS. He should know he should be there. He should not need a formal invite anymore than a husband should at that point.
OTOH… boyfriend…. five years? And y’all are 40somethings I suspect??? Hmmm. I mean I can sorta get a five year relationship when you’re 20something but… 40something? Hmmm.
I suspect boyfriend has the same problem Mr AM struggles with (but is 90% over)…. if it’s not about him, because he’s a busy dude and has many interests, he’s figuring someone else has it handled and will let him know if he’s needed. Unfortunately, LW needs Boyfriend to take more initiative. He isn’t taking any. He’s calling it in.
LW express in calm terms to boyfriend you expected him to know he should be there and that dumping her grad for cross fit is insulting. Don’t get angry or bitchy, just be very plain and matter of fact.
And seriously evaluate where the relationship is going.
By the way I’m super jealous of people that get obsessed with working out. I wish that came naturally to me. Like that I COULDN’T skip the gym even if I wanted too.
LW, if all he talks about is Crossfit, why do you even want to date him? You sound like you’re (rightfully) bored to death of him.
I don’t even want to get started on the weird mention of his being Jewish, but I think you’re being a little disingenuous about this whole slap-in-the-face business. Even though I agree that any non-idiot would’ve known he was supposed to be at his girlfriend’s kid’s graduation, it’s just kind of like… “Oh, my daughter will only graduate from high school once!” Yeah, but… does she even like him or care if he’s there? She probably thinks he’s a gigantic bore, because he is. As for you, you have two other kids who presumably also have/will graduate from high school, too. I guess what I’m saying is that it sounds like you’re taking a whole bunch of big issues and trying to make a single graduation that isn’t even your graduation represent all of them. You’ve got a boring, narcissistic boyfriend who doesn’t particularly care about spending time with you, ever, so… maybe just break up with him and find someone whose conversation revolves around something other than his own body. If you’re secretly anti-Semitic, which seems possible, you should also work on that–but not in the context of a relationship with this guy.
1. “Fit to be Crossed” – ha! Good one, Wendy.
2. That would really annoy me too – a boyfriend prioritizing a cross fit party over my child’s graduation! So I’m with you there.
3. But the communication part is weird to me – the lack of it.
4. References to middle class, white collar neighborhoods, and religion is all really off to me. I’m assuming it has nothing to do with anything – except to explain why his children had Bat Mitvahs, but we probably could have figured that out. But the middle class v. white collar v. decent job v. money not being an issue… I don’t get it! Am I missing an issue here?
5. If you weren’t invited to the Bat Mitvahs how/why did you go? I mean, that would be weird to show up at a party you weren’t invited to. Were you not invited b/c it was assumed you’d go (that makes sense)? Was it a test to see if you’d show up (if so that’s weird)? do you guys “test” each other like that? What’s your status, Gladdys?
I have a lot of questions. I can’t handle this.
Ok, I’m late to the party and I haven’t read all the comments. The only thing that I don’t really get is, why would you formally invite your significant other to a milestone event after you’ve been together for 5 years? That seems weird to me that Wendy or anybody would expect a formal invitation.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I don’t formally invite him to anything. I tell him “X event is happening on this day” and I expect he’ll be there. Same goes for events that are important to him. He tells me the date, and it’s assumed that I’m going. So I really just don’t understand people saying “Why did you go to a party you weren’t invited to” or “Why did you expect him to be there if he wasn’t formally invited”.
So, with this LW, I’m thinking that she probably told him that date of her daughter’s graduation and expected he’d be there, seeing as how he’s her SO of 5 years. Unfortunately it wasn’t a priority to him and the date slipped his mind or he decided it wasn’t important enough for him to be there. I would definitely be upset in her shoes as well.
Are there other communication issues in this relationship? Probably. I can’t really speculate on how to fix them. I just wanted to give my two cents about this whole formal invitation thing. I don’t get it.
A lot of people seem confused by my argument that you invite a significant other to special events, no matter how long you’ve been together. I don’t mean that you send a formal invitation or include your significant other on a facebook invite list. I mean that you make plans with your significant other; you let him know what, when and where the event is, discuss whether you’ll travel there together, and what the plan is afterward. Like: “Hey, Julia’s graduation is next month. It’s on a Saturday morning. I thought I could pick you up around 10, and you could join us for a celebratory lunch afterward.”
I’m surprised nobody’s offered the obvious solution, which is for her to join Crossfit! =) Seriously, it’s a douche move on his part to attend a party instead of the graduation (crossfit or otherwise), and it’s obviously a sign of something bigger- either he’s a completely self-centered jerk or neither of you guys communicate, and if it’s the first, MOA, if it’s the 2nd, work on it. And then join Crossfit, because it’s awesome and you’ll get why he’s drinking the kool aid.
This might sound petty, but when twins do the whole turning 13 ceremony thing together, it is called a “b’nai mitzvah”. The only reason I mention it is because of the weird references to religion and the questions about how close they are, and how involved in each other’s lives — she should know that they were having a b’nai mitzvah rather than bat mitzvahs. Maybe she just used the normal term in the letter or maybe they don’t make that distinction, but I think it might be telling regarding their involvement in each other’s religious lives (which she felt was worth pointing out) and how close they actually are.
For what it’s worth I shared a bar mitzvah with my twin and I never heard it called a b’nai mitzvah till just now.