“My Boyfriend is Threatened By My Ex-Husband”
My children’s father and I have had an up and down co-parenting relationship since the divorce. Sometimes we cooperate wonderfully, and other times it feels as if we’re at each other’s throats (which we never allow the children to see). A year ago he relocated to our city from about 60 miles away so that he could be closer to the children.
My son has just started his new soccer season, and he had his first practice earlier this week. Due to heavy interstate construction, his dad was stuck in traffic and unable to make the practice. I asked him if he would like to take them out for ice cream after practice instead and he obliged. We met at a local shop, and the outing went off without a hitch. I was very pleased that my ex and I were able to remain civil and kind, to engage in conversation together with the kids, and to just plain co-parent together.
Unfortunately, my boyfriend seems threatened by these interactions. He informed me today (in a calm manner) that he felt as if I was being a “family” with my ex husband and children, versus just my children. He said that he understands birthdays, sporting events, school functions, etc., but that for some reason these “extra curricular” times between my children, their father, and me threaten him and make him feel as if there’s a “third party” (my ex) to his and my relationship…
I’ve simply been pleased that, from time to time, my ex husband and I are able to set aside our differences and be there together for our children, even if it is just for ice cream. How worried should I be about my boyfriend’s concerns? Are they warranted, and am I crossing a line with my ex, or is my boyfriend not being understanding of what my children need from both of their parents?
A side note: my boyfriend and ex have yet to meet, and I wouldn’t say that my children and boyfriend have developed one-on-one relationships as of yet, which is something I’m okay with due to my desire to move slowly with involving my children in our relationship. It also doesn’t seem as if my boyfriend is ready, or interested, to be THAT involved in my children’s lives at this point. — Confused Mom and Girlfriend
First, I applaud you for making your kids a priority and realizing that maintaining a civil relationship and co-parenting partnership with their father is a crucial part in maintaining their happiness and their sense of security. You’re also modeling for them what a successful relationship can look like, showing that, even when a romantic relationship or a marriage ends, a relationship beyond that, especially when there are children involved, can be stable, productive, and even friendly.
Don’t underestimate the power of the message that sends your children. You are telling them — and more importantly showing them — what a healthy breakup and a healthy co-parenting partnership looks like. You are showing them how important they are to you, not simply by giving lip service to your love for them, but by making their emotional well-being a top priority. Their self-esteem, their relationship with you and their father, and their future romantic relationships will all benefit from the work you are investing now. Good job.
Unfortunately, your boyfriend is not as committed to your kids’ well-being as you are. And why should he be at this point? They are your children. He is merely their mother’s new(ish) boyfriend. But his being threatened by your ex and what he sees as you “acting like a family” with him in ways he deems “extracurricular” could be indicative of someone who is simply not cut out for dating someone with kids.
It’s a red flag that I would file away as a warning sign. He’s acting jealous and not terribly compassionate. You also make sort of a throwaway comment that your boyfriend doesn’t seem ready or interested in being involved in your children’s lives, saying you’re ok with that because you don’t want to move too quickly.
But… maybe, despite your desire to move slowly (which is totally healthy!), you’d appreciate some more interest on your boyfriend’s part, even if it’s interest expressed as a desire to eventually know them better and be move involved in their lives. After all, if things progress with the two of you, his relationship with your children will have to progress too. Do you have any sense that that is something he would want? Is it something you want?
It seems like taking a temperature of your relationship, and discussing what your long-term desires and expectations are, would go a long way in smoothing some of the feelings you’re both having. His jealousy over your friendly relationship with your ex could be tempered knowing that, if things continue progressing with you, you envision him as part of that family, too (if you indeed do).
He needs to understand — and you need to explain to him very clearly — that your ex IS part of your extended family and always will be because you share children together. Maintaining a friendly relationship with your ex positively affects your children’s well-being. If your boyfriend can’t appreciate this, then you should know that now, before you become more invested in your relationship.
Even if your boyfriend isn’t ready to be to involved in your kids’ lives, he should be able to support your dedication to them and, by extension, your commitment to modeling healthy co-parenting for them. It’s your job to explain all of this to him, to help him understand how far you’ve come with your ex and how important it is for you to maintain a civil relationship with him.
If, in 2-3 months down the road, you still feel that your boyfriend isn’t being understanding enough, you might want to consider moving on. You can find a guy who is great in most ways, but simply isn’t a match for your current lifestyle.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Wendy, you have really been killing it with the advice lately.
Agreed! I don’t really think there’s anything more one can say, but only to reiterate that what this LW is doing for her children is beyond healthy and if I were in her position, I would want a similar relationship with my ex.
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I wish people could just get over all these jealous, insecure feelings and realize adults of the opposite sex or adults with a past can have non-threatening relationships.
Thank you!
Hello Wendy,
Ok so my girlfriend and I are in a similar situation.
She has an 8 hr old daughter with her now 3 yr ex husband and I also have a daughter 14 yes old.
I also keep a good relationship with my daughters mom for the sake of my daughter and so I totally understand the importance of that. Lately we have been having some issues because of how
I feel about the extent of her relationship with her ex.
Here is wher I’m not ok with things so please let me know your thoughts.
So her ex has there daughter every other weekend and drops her off at my girlfriends house. When he drops her off he brings her in and puts her to bed at my girlfriends house and then wants to hang for sometimes an hour or two after there daughter has gone to bed and she tells me this is what they have to do to maintain their friendship. Also now with the holidays coming I was told that her ex has there daughter on Christmas Eve and then drops her off that night. He then comes back Christmas morning for the 3 of them to open presents together, now I also have my daughter on Christmas Eve and take her to her
Moms Christmas morning to drop her off. So I am suppose to go to her house on Christmas Day so asked should
I just come straight there after dropping off my daughter and was told to wait because she doesn’t know how long he will be there. When all this conversation came up I told her I just feel like it’s not right that I have to sit at home and wait for her ex to leave in order for me to come over or that I leave her house on Sundays and then he shows up after to just hang out after there daughter goes to bed.
So last thing after I told her this she asked me well every year on there daughters birthday the 3 of them go to Disneyland, now her ex and her daughter also share a birthday, So on there birthday just the 3 of them go to Disneyland and asked me if I am going to have a problem with that. Well I kinda do and don’t think that’s right and feel like that’s disrespectful to me.
Please give me your input on this
I’m curious about what kind of advice I can get on others thoughts relating to my issue. My ex who split with me about a year-and-a-half ago has a new guy in her life they’ve been off and on constantly for about the that entire time me and her have been apart. I have a biological daughter that’s a little over a year and a half that is my world, but as of recently based upon what I’ve been told by others her new boyfriend is jealous of me and the fact that I’m able to support myself and still help with my child on my own. I went off to finish the rest of my college degree and randomly get a message one day from her saying that she cannot talk to me anymore. What she doesn’t understand is if she cuts contact I can never see my child again. I tried to reason and bargain with her but she would not budge, and from what it looks like she’s putting a man over both of her children. The second child that is about three and a half that I’ve taken in an adopted as my own from a completely different guy who ran out. Things didn’t work out with them so me and her tried and we were together for about 3 years just because we had a falling out we decided that we were going to do things for our child. But because of the boyfriend is jobless refuses to get a job decides to drink all the time and take advantage of her kindness I’m not able to see my daughter. There are plenty of other issues that I can’t go into publicly that’s going on with him that would only add fuel to the fire. So now this really has me thinking what more can I do. Because reaching out and telling her she’s wrong for doing what she’s doing and that I’m not going to put up with it has done nothing. Because of the issues with me going to school have me out of state I can’t go through the court system unless I go back which is going to cost more money than I have at the moment. But in a short amount of time I can easily make that money to go back to the courthouse in the state my child lives in and force the court system to look into the situation and see if I can at least get visitation. I have no problem paying any sort of child support in fact without going through the courts I was paying money to her for my child. when she sent her message saying she could not talk to me she said she would refuse and not accept any money I sent to her for my daughter. People were saying in a month from now because she’s always had money trouble and has come running to me for help paying her bills that she will be back in about a month or so asking for money. I’m honestly afraid I will never see my daughter again. On top of that I know the thoughts this man will put in her head when she grows up she will think that I abandon her and ran out on her mother. Me and him and had disputes in the past and he ended up assaulting me the state picked up the case and was going to push it to the maximum on my behalf he nearly went to jail for a very long time but somehow got off scot-free. Now six or so months after set incident he’s telling her something or doing something to make her tell me that I can’t see my child just because he doesn’t want me around her or speaking to her I suspect out of jealousy.
As the new partner of a divorced man with children, I kind of get the boyfriend here.
To be clear, I don’t agree with him, but I can understand where his feelings of jealousy and insecurity come from. I have those feelings from time to time, too.
The thing in Wendy’s advice here that really stood out to me, and which I recommend the LW make very clear to her bf, is this (specifically the last part, in parentheses):
“maintaining a friendly relationship with your ex […] positively affects your children’s well-being (and is the ONLY reason you continue such a relationship with your ex)”
I will take that advice with me and remind myself of it the next time I feel a pang of insecurity/jealousy of my partner’s relationship with the ex. They have a very long history together, after all, which we (and the LW and her bf) don’t YET.
I think that the bf’s jealousy/insecurity will probably lessen with time and as his relationship with the LW progresses and they build their own history. I know that’s what’s happening with me.
I was thinking this same thing. I don’t think that the LW is out of line but that doesn’t invalidate the feelings of the BF. I think they need to have a state of the relationship conversation. Talk about where this is headed and where the boyfriend fits. He approached the LW calmly about it which I think sounds like a good stable man who is connected with his feelings and feels safe enough in the relationship to express them.
As a stepparent, I can chime in here. Those feelings do get better. It can take a very long time until you feel less like an outsider trying to learn a dance that started years ago, and more like someone who can introduce a few new steps that add to the flow.
Patience!
Wendy is right. You ARE a family. There isn’t a predetermined list of acceptable activities parents can do with their children. Even post divorce. You aren’t having intimate dinners with your ex under the guise of talking about the kids. You need to talk to him about where he got those notions of what activities are acceptable and which are not. You can tell him you are always going to act in the best interest of your children. That included not raising them together in a home with their father and it will include making sure they have a solid relationship with both their parents. You are always happy to discuss things and answer his questions and eventually include him more if that is what he wants but this is something he needs to sign on to…or not.
I think Wendy’s advice is great!
I am the (35 year old) child of parents who divorced but remained cordial and I can attest to what a blessing that has been. My parents (dad, mom and stepdad) all attend important family events. Some people think it’s odd. I think it’s awesome. Their kids have never missed out on having all our parents there for birthdays, wedding, graduations, etc, because they handled things like adults who put their children first, just like this LW is trying to do.
The man I am now dating (also around a year and a half) is totally comfortable with me being around my ex, the father of my child, because he is adult enough to realize that it’s not all about the grownups. It’s about what’s best for the kid/s.
Wendy’s advice is great. There’s just one thing I’d like to add: the LW says she’s OK with the boyfriend not taking more of an interest in her kids’ lives, and he says he feels excluded. (That’s what I’m getting from what she wrote.) I’m all in favor of taking things slowly where kids are concerned, but are you sure that part of his feeling threatened isn’t because he is being made to feel like the third wheel? We are asking the BF to be understanding, but I think the LW should also be understanding of what it might be like to date someone who has kids that aren’t yours. Is this the first serious relationship she’s had since the divorce? If so, the last time she got seriously involved with a man, the playing field was more even. (There were no kids involved.) A little more empathy on both sides is called for, I think.
This letter was so refreshing! What sounds like a thoughtful, mature LW and the kind of real world issue/conflict that plenty of people can relate to. *golf clap*
I think we need more golf claps.
WWS – nailed it.
One big point in the boyfriend’s favor is that he was able to calmly discuss his feelings. It sounds like they are both acting like mature adults in discussing the issue (as in, they don’t end up in screaming fights over it). I agree with what suzyinthesky said above – it’s tough to feel like an odd wheel in a pre-existing family unit, even when that unit consists of two divorced parents. You may just need some time to allow your relationship with your boyfriend (and his with the kids) to become more established. It’s not a deal-breaker unless he tries to “forbid” ice cream outings, or pouts every time you talk to your ex about the soccer schedule.
Totally WWS…although I agree with an earlier comment that maybe a little more effort on LW part could help ease the transition. Trying to maintain a healthy relationship with an ex is hard enough, and I can relate. But trying to foster a relationship between your kids and boyfriend is important too if there is going to be eventual acceptance of his place in your new dynamic. You get to decide the definition of family as it applies to you and your relationships.
I don’t agree with none of that your confusing the kids let the dad get the kids and when he is done drop them off period plus if it’s over it’s over your not a whole family anymore mommy has moved on all that sitting for ice cream and stuff with the mom is threatening to the boyfriend and it should be how could y’all say it’s about the kids if it’s about the kids here go the kids dad and when your done bring them home period y’all sound crazy
I agree with Tone! The child should get use to not seeing the parents hang out as a family. It’s over , it’s over! Eventually, the new boyfriend relationship with the woman will fade with this behavior. All this nonsense about it’s good for the kids. When the dad or the mom come pickup the kids everyone can play nice. Grab the kids and bounce . All that waiting for her to go to bed nonsense. When the kid wakes up dad not going to be there . Come on guys, if the relationship is over , then it’s over . Be cordial around the child and keep it moving . That’s why they have the title ex.
I dated a woman with 2 kids, at first i was ok with the ex being in her life – but about 3 months into the relationship we all went to a concert together, me and her ex got along quite well.
my ex got drunk and i was worried about her as she was starting to wobble (didnt know at the time that her and her ex had deep meaning to some of the songs at the concert) basically long story short when i said to her “hey baby maybe slow down the drinking or u might fall over” she got upset at me and said “u cant tell me what the fuck to do, i’m fine fuck off” and for the next few hours was giving me a cold shoulder and was talking to him – ended up grinding him with her arse rubbing into his dick.
after that we had a massive talk i said i wasnt happy with what happened – she appologised and felt terrible for what happened. and we continued our relationship, and she was having less to do with him and wanted to be more serious about us
however for months after that she was texting him a lot wouldnt come to me for things but went with him
questioned her about it again and said hey i really dont like how much contact you have with him, u told me that you wanted to have less to do with him.
ended up having a fight and she called him and stayed at his place
our relationship from there on in we always had a fight atleast once a month when she wanted to go out drinking with him or go spend time over at his house etc
i swear she was cheating on me, and was only with me to get to him
but i was ok with him being in the boys life, just didnt like her being so close with him
probably for good reason
i personally think that if a father of children (or mother of children) is going to be in a new relationship it should only be for the kids – talk about school stuff / special events / birthdays xmas etc
personal meetings etc should never be done alone – and if they do the new partner should be there as well so it doesnt send mix messages to the kids.
I have a girlfriend we have been going out now for 17 months now. She is going through a divorce. When we met she was still married they had been together about 10 years married quickly and then after 6 months into the marriage it broke down. He was abusive to her and the kids all throughout the marriage . He was verbally and mentally abusive to them all and did terrible things to them and they were very sheltered and cut off from the world because he made it so. When I met her they were still living in the same house but everything was all but over they just shared the house no bedroom or bed sharing no love no emotions no contact hardly spoke she and the kids were stuck there financially because she wasn’t working. She has 3 kids two girls 15 and 12 and a boy of 6 the girls at not his but the boy is his. We fell in love and started making all these plans for the future. It took her a year to get out of the same house as him and leave him. She always said the day she left she was going to tell him it was over but didn’t just left like she was at some point going to return. It was difficult for us both from her side because he was nasty and from mine because he always came first our life was dictated by his wants. When she left it was supposed to be different and an end was meant to be put to that but it didn’t and things got progressively worse after she left him he was constantly harassing her 300-400 text messages a day threats to snatch her kids, have her arrested, threatening to burn down their home, her stuff, verbal and mental abuse anything you can imagine he threatened or called her on a daily basis she was close to a full mental breakdown for months. Still even though she had left we were living by what he wanted everyone forced to pander to his needs because he is bipolar and delusional. We differ I’m not a person that will let people get away with things and because she wasn’t doing anything against her wishes I confronted him and it caused a lot of issues. Now we are 17 months in they are in the process of being divorced now but not much has changed we are still living pandering to his every wish he still abuses her by text and email he does the same thing over and over calls her a whore says sorry then next day repeats the process and it’s tiresome. The problem is they have a son together and they and she wants to be friends with him for her son rather then just being civil and friendly for the sake of the child. When I say friends I mean like texting him every day having conversations that are not divorce or related to their son. The problem is I’m not in the least comfortable with it if they spend time talking they argue and again he calls her a whore if she doesn’t answer within a certain amount of time she is a whore and then he sends the kids a long goodbye message about how awful she is and how he won’t see them again. She threats to block him but never does and this just goes on and on. Now their son needs his father despite his problems it’s his dad he comes by to have him for a few hours once every 2 weeks. His son loves his dad which is understandable but the girls want nothing to do with him. We are arguing because she wants to be friends with him for the sake of the child and it just doesn’t work just constantly abusive to her he may have 3 or 4 days of nothing but inevitably it starts again.she interjects herself into their time like when talking by Skype or when he visits his son which is just causing abuse and problems. I have been trying to tell her the is a difference between being friendly and civil for the sake of a child. Being just civil for their son is nothing bad rather then trying to be friendly and having massive problems but she seems to think just being civil will take away and damage the boys childhood because when her parents split they were nasty to each other. I am also trying to get her to step back from his and his sons time together to let them build the bonds they need on their own because it’s their time it’s what it’s all about again she says she has to or it’s going to damage their sons childhood. Everyone has exs and usually it really isn’t a problem you know if you date someone with kids there is going to be an ex but this one I do have a problem with because of all that is happening and I’m not keen on it. Am I asking to much or being unfair in anyway? We are kind of at an impasse over this whole thing. She lets him rule and ruin everything in life date nights, anniversaries, holidays everything and we spend everyday walking on eggshells to accommodate this monster and I just don’t know what to do.
Your girlfriend wasn’t ready for a new relationship. Are you financially supporting her and her kids, or is she working now? Has she and her kids gotten therapy to deal with all the abuse? Are they living with you? None of this sounds healthy. She needed to deal with the end of her marriage and to process everything she went through and work with her husband on custody arrangements and child support and creating healthy boundaries before jumping into a serious relationship with someone else. Without knowing more details, I don’t really know what to tell you except this doesn’t sound like something that will be resolved any time soon, and not without some professional mediation and therapy. I’d put the brakes on the relationship and just be her friend while she figures all this out. She needs to be self-sufficient and decide what sort of relationship with her soon-to-be ex works best for her and her kids without the pressure of a new relationship and trying to make another man happy.
She is working now she got a job and has been working the past 2 months. We are not living together with everything that is going on there is always doubt about how much good that would do for the situation. As for therapy no and I don’t think she would put herself or them into it. She has had a rough past and likes to skip along pretending to be happy. She never deals with issues she was raised mainly by her mom she has a lot of mental issues and is a psychopath so she suffered a lot of abuse growing up from her mom. Her dad is a retired ex army Colonel so he was no help as emotions are nothing but weakness one of his great sayings is ” don’t come to me with problems come to me with solutions ” and this has been consistent throughout her life. She has always been in abusive relationships guys cheating , beating her putting cigarettes out on her, verbal and mental torture . Her middle child was the result of a sexual attack I just can’t get her to talk to anyone professionally and it goes in circles all she gets is abuse won’t go see anyone won’t break the cycle and it feels like I’m failing her all I can do is sit there and watch it .
Hello Wendy,
Ok so my girlfriend and I are in a similar situation.
She has an 8 hr old daughter with her now 3 yr ex husband and I also have a daughter 14 yrs old.
I also keep a good relationship with my daughters mom for the sake of my daughter and so I totally understand the importance of that. Lately we have been having some issues because of how
I feel about the extent of her relationship with her ex.
Here is where I’m not ok with things so please let me know your thoughts.
So her ex has there daughter every other weekend and drops her off at my girlfriends house every other Sunday at 8:30. When he drops her off he brings her in and puts her to bed at my girlfriends house and then wants to hang for sometimes an hour or two until 10:30-11:00 after there daughter has gone to bed and she tells me this is what they have to do to maintain their friendship. If she says anything to him then he gets all pissed off and then end up in some long heated conversation. Also now with the holidays coming I was told that her ex has there daughter on Christmas Eve and then drops her off that night. He then comes back Christmas morning for just the 3 of them to open presents together, now I also have my daughter on Christmas Eve and take her to her
Moms Christmas morning to drop her off. So I am suppose to go to her house on Christmas Day so I asked should I just come straight there after dropping off my daughter and was told to wait because she doesn’t know how long he will be there. When all this conversation came up I told her I just feel like it’s not right that I have to sit at home and wait for her ex to leave in order for me to come over or that I leave her house on Sundays and then he shows up after to just hang out after there daughter goes to bed.
So last thing after I told her this she tells me well every year on there daughters birthday the 3 of them go to Disneyland, now her ex and her daughter also share a birthday, So on there birthday just the 3 of them go to Disneyland and asked me if I am going to have a problem with that. Well I kinda do and don’t think that’s right and feel like that’s disrespectful.
Again I totally understand the whole keeping things good between her and her ex but I think hanging out alone after she goes to bed and a day at Disneyland as a family is a little too much.
I honestly feel like if I were to take a day to hang out with my ex and my daughter at Disneyland like a family I wouldn’t feel right about it like if I was being disrespectful to her
Please give me your input on this
https://dearwendy.com/my-girlfriend-is-spending-christmas-morning-with-her-ex-and-im-not-invited/
I accepted/encouraged my gf to spend time with her kids & ex and did not feel threatened for years. She started spending more and more time with them till I only saw her at bed time practically. Eventually she dumped me but still expected lots of emotional support. So my view is that if a woman talks to her ex a lot or spends time with him it’s a red flag… not as you painted it being a redflag if the bf does not like it. I was a trusting/caring IDIOT. Never again.
It’s because Men are territorial just like a lot of women. You don’t get in a relationship with someone to watch them with another person. His biological feelings (to claim his women and protect) and logical thoughts (why the hell is the women I’m with, with another man) are kicking in and conflicting with the state of what is happening. He is starting to feel like someone who doesn’t belong, like a tagalong if you will. He will slowly but surely start to realize “something”. “Something”that other guys that have seen, deeply thought about it and been through it already know. “something” women subconsciously know. That realization is that at the core of things, he is with another man’s family (which includes her) her world is entangled with another man’s world. Her business is his and visa versa. That’s why they are sitting at the table on an outing with “their” childern on “their” time because they have a bond and a shared interest which superceeds the boyfriends. He (the baby daddy) is more valuable (wether she knows it or cares to admit) to her and the kids than the boyfriend will ever be. Which places him in last place and might fill him with questions and resentments. He will soon have to come to terms with the fact that it will not just be this ice cream stop. It will be a lot more meets for not weeks, months but for years to come. He needs to break it off with you because the time up type of relationship he wants he will never have. He will always share you with another man. Your boyfriend has a very masculine way of thinking and in touch with his manhood. While it could be attractive to many women. In your case it presents a catch 22. Mainly, because those urges of him wanting to be a protector and be territorial over his desired woman and his family will be challenged by the fact that you aren’t completely his and that I that is not his family. It’s yours and the baby daddy’s. He is the real man of the family. The boyfriend friend is alone in his thoughts of it being wrong for you the kids and your baby daddy to be together eating ice cream like and happy family. Your baby daddy likes it because he gets to be with his family (including you) and there is nothing other man in the world can do about it. He probably gets a high off hat fact and knows he could just meet with the kids alone and knows you know this too. The kids love it. It’s their dream. Last but not least you Love it as well. You like seeing your kids interact with their father. You like feeling like a family even if it is just for a moment in time. Meanwhile back at the ranch boyfriend is thinking about damn my lady is out with another man and “because of the kids” he has the right off passage. You See right there. The baby daddy has something the territory and authority. Not the boyfriend. So either have serious talk lay down the law, bend to his request to let you ex go off separately with the kids. Or you break up.
I’m not here to tell you what is right or wrong, boast you up or down. Just providing an honest perspective about your situation provided I’ve heard, seen and been there. From a male’s point of view. I hope you work it out and do what is best for you.
It’s 2018.
Dear Wendy. Thank you for informing me. I didn’t know. But my post was simply for the point you proved. Whether you thought that far ahead or not. For people to see and help them if it can. Because the fact that this is 2018 obvious doesnt stop people from viewing this page and reading it.
Its great you’re in touch with your manhood, Mike, but maybe didn’t need to know about your masturbation habits.
Spacey
I like your humour. Your twist was appreciated, as I was referring to her boyfriend. But since you brought me in to the spot light and I have no need to lie. It was all a guise to expose my self (no pun intended) and my heinous habits. I will try to avoid that next time. I’m sorry
YOU HAVE ISSUES.
Im curious. No jokes. Why is what I said sick? Because it is an unabashed opinion mixed with truth? Answer this question honestly? You don’t have to tell us. But ask yourself. Would you be with a man that hasn’t a dime to his name? No house to call a home? And doesn’t care to aquire neither unless you go out and get the house and money. Would be with man that would allow another man to cuss, yell at and push you? All while he is standing right there?… There is a reason for that answer you have in your head. There are certain qualities you look for when finding a partner. Which if not met will begin to cause problems if these prefrences go to long with out being met. Why do you think it is any different for a man?
Trying to read Mike’s comment was like listening to the guy on the bus this evening doing a long loud monologue to no one about suspicious activity, the feds, and “Asian hags surrounding me, wearing black pants 5 days out of 7.” And if he has to get tactical, he will, he’ll move with a purpose. Makes sense in his head. Right Mike?
Yep… Yepperoni. You tell him girl!
That’s my BF exact perspective. I was having a casual convo w/ my kids father, nothing inappropriate, but he ain’t having it. He said talk to him about the kids and that’s it, and I got harshly scolded.
You’re right, women say we want men, but we want eunuchs. No real masculine man is having another dude at his ladies house, period.
I’m going to have to think about what my family looks like going forward bc I know either I tighten the boundaries with the ex or I lose my man.
What if the 2 of them have been caught saying inappropriate things to each other. What if the woman has been caught sneeking around with him and leaving stuff out when he s been involved. But says she loves her boyfriend. Should he be okay with her being alone with him. Him taking showers in her house
wake up. And take somebody else’s feelings into consideration
Its just ice cream.
it is extracurricular ,and it’s not necessary at all.
Learn the difference and know what it is the difference of parenting, and Adultism. they’re not the same. unfortunately we live in a culture especially in the United States, where there is rarely parenting and more Adultism than anything. Clear indicator and a sign of that Adultism, is when the two individuals obsess on activities that the parents technically don’t even have to be there… this is where the old saying “it takes a village to raise a child” anybody can take them out to ice cream. and it is extra curricular and your boyfriend was right on point and he wants you to try and understand thisthis rather than be self-absorbed and insecure and controlling and want to do it your way , just because it feels right. You people act on emotion too much. All emotion means is energy in motion. Remember to it takes a lot of Courage inside and bravery for your boyfriend to say something about it the way you did and he’s truthfully trying to help you.
Have a wonderful blessed day 🙂
I just recently had a ex leave me for her baby daddy. I take it as a learning lesson. The family is broken and the boyfriend should have a say in it. If anyone is actively allowing this to transpire I advise you to object to this type of behavior
Hmmm….yes and no. It’s good that you and the father are there for each other but the father does have to realize hes there all the time. I mean if you had a date with the bf would you let the father just walk I to said date and sit with you guys? If so your showing the bf the father is more important then him. You have children with him. I see the bfs point. Eventually he may end things with you because of this. Its good the father is being a father but to what point? To the point it ends your current relationship? How would you react if you were to ever learn the father was in the picture to make bf uneasy and as soon as he leaves swishes in making it look like he saved the day. Foes the father not ha e a life where he constantly has to hang with you all? What if you get married to said bf is the father going to say vows as well?
Also why ca t the father take his own children out and give the mom and bf some alone time? Why must he join them all the time? He can look after his own kids after all
I need some advice as well. My sons father and I have tried the Co-Parent thing and sometimes it’s a hit and miss. We have gotten better in terms of what’s best for our son, and trying to cordinate When he will take him for the day. I have a boyfriend who is a couple years younger and doesn’t have kids, only has his mom and dads divorce as a real life example. He gets very jealous and I even blocked my ex and use his mom as a mediator if you will. The other day my sons father dropped him off by himself and I let my boyfriend know that. He was irritated that all of a sudden he is trying to come around and the same with my sons grandparents on his side. He acts a certain way when my son is with that side of the family, unfortunately he takes it out on me. I really like him and see potential but the jealousy and acting a type of way is kind of making me out my guard up… I was in a controlling relationship with his dad for almost 7 years, do I really want to tolerate that again? I’m confused but I always try and ask for his advise and what I can do to make him feel comfortable. It’s definitely a challenge but obviously I’m not the only one going through something like this… any advice?
Break up with him! It’s ridiculous that you’re going through your ex MIL to coparent your child because your bf is controlling and jealous. That is NOT what is best for your son.
To coparent is to coparent let’s look at that word co and parent has nothing to do with personal or finance decisions it mean you both bring equal to the child/children and keep it about the kid(s) that’s coparenting going to the movies not coparenting letting your ex know what your doing nont invaling the kid not coparenting if its gunna be more then sticky about the kid(s) your not over your ex and you not ready to move on plain and simple
I think there has to be a baseline in these sort of conversations, as a man who comes in dating women with kids, these exes will always be a reminder to the new man in their lives that they had something that the woman and her new man do not (or yet). Why wouldn’t he be threatened? Anyone that says that something is wrong with the man, should rethink that statement.
The women have an ex or exes who are also their baby daddies, you think a boyfriend of 1 year is going to full good about a relationship the woman had with a man she’s been with for years AND gave them kids? They have experience and did many things together that the new boyfriend hasn’t. And it will be a constant reminder. To tell a man that he has to accept it, it only advice that I find women tend to get give other women. Most of the time women give women wrong advice how to deal with men. Women look at things mainly from their POV and the things men care about seems to be miss.
That is also a reason why a lot of men without kids (even some with) avoid single moms because this a huge burden to carry and for someone to scold men that they don’t feel comfortable sounds very arrogant. Situations like this can work but it has to start with the woman, it is her job to set the tone not the boyfriend. Reality is that the woman comes with more baggage to the table and if she hasn’t figured it out, it will always be a problem.
A woman can take care of her business but also keep their relationship “transactional” meaning that the only thing they converse about is the kids. No real personal stuff, reminiscing, etc.
Anyhow, as a man I don’t think it is up to the man to make it work, it is about to the mom. She brings the extra baggage into the relationship and depending what type of personality she has it will be a problem especially with that attitude that the man is insecure, he needs to accept what is being thrown at him. That is the narrative. Women do not tend to think or understand the burden men take on by becoming step dads. They wind up not dating one person but the whole family, they have to take backseat for a lot of stuff, what if the dads are unreasonable? And so on.
If the woman makes the effort to put her new man mind at ease and yes it will take a bit more work on her part but that comes with the territory. Sure you can find someone that doesn’t mind but how many men will they go through before they find one because men, inititally think they can deal with this but a lot can’t. Maybe in the beginning and then it falls apart.
If the women realize that to date women while having children comes with automatic red flags for any men and understands how to navigate them, men can accept certain things but many blur the lines consistently and have others to cosign specific behavior which sound good to them at the moment but it overall bad advice.
If a bf can’t feel comfortable with a woman, for no other reason than she’s previously had a child with another man, then it is beyond obvious that his ego is too fragile to date any woman with children. It is as simple as that. Know yourself and what your personality/jealousy/fragility is able to handle and always act accordingly.
You keep saying ‘any men’. It isn’t all men, but it surely is you and this guy.
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