“My Boyfriend is Threatened By My Ex-Husband”
My children’s father and I have had an up and down co-parenting relationship since the divorce. Sometimes we cooperate wonderfully, and other times it feels as if we’re at each other’s throats (which we never allow the children to see). A year ago he relocated to our city from about 60 miles away so that he could be closer to the children.
My son has just started his new soccer season, and he had his first practice earlier this week. Due to heavy interstate construction, his dad was stuck in traffic and unable to make the practice. I asked him if he would like to take them out for ice cream after practice instead and he obliged. We met at a local shop, and the outing went off without a hitch. I was very pleased that my ex and I were able to remain civil and kind, to engage in conversation together with the kids, and to just plain co-parent together.
Unfortunately, my boyfriend seems threatened by these interactions. He informed me today (in a calm manner) that he felt as if I was being a “family” with my ex husband and children, versus just my children. He said that he understands birthdays, sporting events, school functions, etc., but that for some reason these “extra curricular” times between my children, their father, and me threaten him and make him feel as if there’s a “third party” (my ex) to his and my relationship…
I’ve simply been pleased that, from time to time, my ex husband and I are able to set aside our differences and be there together for our children, even if it is just for ice cream. How worried should I be about my boyfriend’s concerns? Are they warranted, and am I crossing a line with my ex, or is my boyfriend not being understanding of what my children need from both of their parents?
A side note: my boyfriend and ex have yet to meet, and I wouldn’t say that my children and boyfriend have developed one-on-one relationships as of yet, which is something I’m okay with due to my desire to move slowly with involving my children in our relationship. It also doesn’t seem as if my boyfriend is ready, or interested, to be THAT involved in my children’s lives at this point. — Confused Mom and Girlfriend
I applaud you for making your kids a priority and realizing that maintaining a civil relationship and co-parenting partnership with their father is a crucial part in maintaining their happiness and their sense of security. You’re also modeling for them what a successful relationship can look like, showing that, even when a romantic relationship or a marriage ends, a relationship beyond that, especially when there are children involved, can be stable, productive, and even friendly.
Don’t underestimate the power of the message that sends your children. You are telling them — and more importantly showing them — what a healthy breakup and a healthy co-parenting partnership looks like. You are showing them how important they are to you, not simply by giving lip service to your love for them, but by making their emotional well-being a top priority. Their self-esteem, their relationship with you and their father, and their future romantic relationships will all benefit from the work you are investing now. Good job.
Unfortunately, your boyfriend doesn’t see it that way right now, and his being threatened by your ex could be indicative of someone who is simply not cut out for dating someone with kids. He needs to understand — and you need to explain to him very clearly — that your ex IS part of your extended family and always will be because you share children together. Maintaining a friendly relationship with your ex positively affects your children’s well-being. If your boyfriend can’t appreciate this, then you should know that now, before you become more invested in your relationship.
Even if your boyfriend isn’t ready to be to involved in your kids’ lives, he should be able to support your dedication to them and, by extension, your commitment to modeling healthy co-parenting for them. It’s your job to explain all of this to him, to help him understand how far you’ve come with your ex and how important it is for you to maintain a civil relationship with him.
If, in 2-3 months down the road, you still feel that your boyfriend isn’t being understanding enough, you might want to consider moving on. You can find a guy who is great in most ways, but simply isn’t a match for your current lifestyle.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Wendy, you have really been killing it with the advice lately.
Agreed! I don’t really think there’s anything more one can say, but only to reiterate that what this LW is doing for her children is beyond healthy and if I were in her position, I would want a similar relationship with my ex.
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I wish people could just get over all these jealous, insecure feelings and realize adults of the opposite sex or adults with a past can have non-threatening relationships.
As the new partner of a divorced man with children, I kind of get the boyfriend here.
To be clear, I don’t agree with him, but I can understand where his feelings of jealousy and insecurity come from. I have those feelings from time to time, too.
The thing in Wendy’s advice here that really stood out to me, and which I recommend the LW make very clear to her bf, is this (specifically the last part, in parentheses):
“maintaining a friendly relationship with your ex […] positively affects your children’s well-being (and is the ONLY reason you continue such a relationship with your ex)”
I will take that advice with me and remind myself of it the next time I feel a pang of insecurity/jealousy of my partner’s relationship with the ex. They have a very long history together, after all, which we (and the LW and her bf) don’t YET.
I think that the bf’s jealousy/insecurity will probably lessen with time and as his relationship with the LW progresses and they build their own history. I know that’s what’s happening with me.
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Wendy is right. You ARE a family. There isn’t a predetermined list of acceptable activities parents can do with their children. Even post divorce. You aren’t having intimate dinners with your ex under the guise of talking about the kids. You need to talk to him about where he got those notions of what activities are acceptable and which are not. You can tell him you are always going to act in the best interest of your children. That included not raising them together in a home with their father and it will include making sure they have a solid relationship with both their parents. You are always happy to discuss things and answer his questions and eventually include him more if that is what he wants but this is something he needs to sign on to…or not.
I think Wendy’s advice is great!
I am the (35 year old) child of parents who divorced but remained cordial and I can attest to what a blessing that has been. My parents (dad, mom and stepdad) all attend important family events. Some people think it’s odd. I think it’s awesome. Their kids have never missed out on having all our parents there for birthdays, wedding, graduations, etc, because they handled things like adults who put their children first, just like this LW is trying to do.
The man I am now dating (also around a year and a half) is totally comfortable with me being around my ex, the father of my child, because he is adult enough to realize that it’s not all about the grownups. It’s about what’s best for the kid/s.
Wendy’s advice is great. There’s just one thing I’d like to add: the LW says she’s OK with the boyfriend not taking more of an interest in her kids’ lives, and he says he feels excluded. (That’s what I’m getting from what she wrote.) I’m all in favor of taking things slowly where kids are concerned, but are you sure that part of his feeling threatened isn’t because he is being made to feel like the third wheel? We are asking the BF to be understanding, but I think the LW should also be understanding of what it might be like to date someone who has kids that aren’t yours. Is this the first serious relationship she’s had since the divorce? If so, the last time she got seriously involved with a man, the playing field was more even. (There were no kids involved.) A little more empathy on both sides is called for, I think.
This letter was so refreshing! What sounds like a thoughtful, mature LW and the kind of real world issue/conflict that plenty of people can relate to. *golf clap*
WWS – nailed it.
One big point in the boyfriend’s favor is that he was able to calmly discuss his feelings. It sounds like they are both acting like mature adults in discussing the issue (as in, they don’t end up in screaming fights over it). I agree with what suzyinthesky said above – it’s tough to feel like an odd wheel in a pre-existing family unit, even when that unit consists of two divorced parents. You may just need some time to allow your relationship with your boyfriend (and his with the kids) to become more established. It’s not a deal-breaker unless he tries to “forbid” ice cream outings, or pouts every time you talk to your ex about the soccer schedule.
Totally WWS…although I agree with an earlier comment that maybe a little more effort on LW part could help ease the transition. Trying to maintain a healthy relationship with an ex is hard enough, and I can relate. But trying to foster a relationship between your kids and boyfriend is important too if there is going to be eventual acceptance of his place in your new dynamic. You get to decide the definition of family as it applies to you and your relationships.
I accepted/encouraged my gf to spend time with her kids & ex and did not feel threatened for years. She started spending more and more time with them till I only saw her at bed time practically. Eventually she dumped me but still expected lots of emotional support. So my view is that if a woman talks to her ex a lot or spends time with him it’s a red flag… not as you painted it being a redflag if the bf does not like it. I was a trusting/caring IDIOT. Never again.
To coparent is to coparent let’s look at that word co and parent has nothing to do with personal or finance decisions it mean you both bring equal to the child/children and keep it about the kid(s) that’s coparenting going to the movies not coparenting letting your ex know what your doing nont invaling the kid not coparenting if its gunna be more then sticky about the kid(s) your not over your ex and you not ready to move on plain and simple
If a bf can’t feel comfortable with a woman, for no other reason than she’s previously had a child with another man, then it is beyond obvious that his ego is too fragile to date any woman with children. It is as simple as that. Know yourself and what your personality/jealousy/fragility is able to handle and always act accordingly.
You keep saying ‘any men’. It isn’t all men, but it surely is you and this guy.