“My Boyfriend Isn’t Ready To Be My Kid’s Stepdad”
Here is the issue: I have a six year old son. While I have had the time to mature and accept parenthood, my current boyfriend doesn’t know if he’d want to take responsibility for another person’s child (the biological father is highly involved in my son’s life). My boyfriend has many goals and didn’t plan on having children till his mid to late 30s. He doesn’t want to give up his current lifestyle, and he is worried about future responsibilities, such as paying for a child’s college tuition. Also, he said that if he became a father he wants to be able to go to every game and coach every team, and he knows he couldn’t and doesn’t want to do that at this point in his life.
So, what can and should I do? Do I give him a time limit to make a decision? How long? What could I do to make him more comfortable and realize that a child doesn’t end your ability to have goals? — Mother Load
Before you “give him a time limit to make a decision,” you need to be very clear about what you’re asking him to make a decision about. Is it whether he wants to marry you eventually? If so, when? Are you asking him to decide whether to have biological children with you? Again: if so, when? Or, do you want him to decide if he can handle the responsibility of being a stepdad one day. If it’s the latter, which I suspect it is, it sounds like you definitely need to have some heart-to-heart discussions about what, exactly, those responsibilities would be.
From the way your boyfriend describes things, step-parenthood sounds an awful lot like regular parenthood, from coaching sports teams to paying for college tuition. It can be these things, of course, but if your child’s father is “highly involved” in your son’s life, then your boyfriend could very well be over-stepping some boundaries by assuming all these responsibilities. Of course, if you have full custody of your son and you marry your boyfriend eventually, then parenthood will become a major focus of his life. Hell, even if you share custody with your ex, your boyfriend will take on a role of parent in some aspect or other. There will be sacrifices and adjustments, but they wouldn’t be the same as if he were raising the child as his own.
You need to sit down and explain these things to him. Tell him, as frankly and honestly as you can, what life will be life if you two were to move in together and/or eventually marry. Don’t just tell him — show him, too. If you’re so serious as a couple that you’re discussing long-term plans, then begin incorporating him more and more into the life you share with your son so he gets a better sense of what that life is like. If you are on some sort of plan to give your son siblings in the near future, then obviously, this is also something you need to discuss with your boyfriend.
It may very well be that you’re compatible in most ways, but if he can’t handle the idea of being a step-father — the reality of being a step-father, not his fantasy of coaching the kid’s every game — or you want to have more children in the near future and he isn’t ready for that kind of commitment, then you lack compatibility in a very important aspect of your lives, and this relationship likely won’t work out in the long-run. When do you need to figure this stuff out? What’s the “time limit” on these decisions? Well, only you can say for sure. If having more children is a huge pressing concern, then obviously, you need to make some decisions earlier than later. But if, at 23, you recognize that time is a little bit of a luxury at this point, I’d take things slowly and enjoy where you are right now. It sounds like you’ve been on such a fast track in your life — you’ve made some wonderful accomplishments at a young age. But sometimes the biggest accomplishment of all is learning to slow down, enjoy yourself, and really soak up the lessons life gives you before moving on to the next challenge or project.
What are the lessons in your life right now? What can you and your boyfriend teach each other in this stage of your relationship? Take a deep breath, exhale slowly, and let the answers come in their own time instead of forcing them to develop.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
If the father is heavily involved in the kids life, is moving the child across the country really an option? I would think definitely not.
Since you mentioned that was one of things you’ve discussed I’m assuming that it is one of the guys goals- to live and work somewhere else in the country. And that’s NOT possible when you take into account custody agreements and the fathers and son’s well being. Unless the father would move too? That just doesn’t seem realistic.
Personally I believe that the decision when and if to have a family is a huge part of compatibility, and you two are not compatible in this department, as he doesn’t want a family right now, and you already have one.
I am gearing up to meet my boyfriend’s 6 year old daughter (I’m 24 with no kids). He only has shared custody of her, so I see myself just being a supplement in her life. She already has a mother and I do not feel like I need to take over her responsibilities. I will have my own children someday and can do all my real mommy things then. With the bf’s daughter, I just want to be there to support her (and him) and be another adult that she can trust.
I truly feel that when there’s a child to take into consideration, a relationship needs to move a bit slower than it would otherwise. That can be disappointing and frustrating at times, because plenty of people would no doubt be considering moving in together after 6 months, but that’s simply a luxury you don’t have. And that is what being a parent is all about. Sacrifice, being mature when you don’t want to be, and keeping your child’s best interests in mind.
My boyfriend did not meet my daughter until we had been dating for 6 months. That first 6 months is the honeymoon period anyway-I felt the same way, that I could see marrying him and making a life together. But I couldn’t get swept up in that, because I had my daughter to think about.
Yes, it would be painful for everyone if you introduced your boyfriend to your son and it didn’t work out. But obviously your relationship with his father didn’t work out, so he’s aware that adults don’t always stay together. Until you three start “talking the talk” and actually see what it would be like, it’s hard for anyone to make informed decisions. Maybe your boyfriend will feel more comfortable than he ever thought possible. Maybe he won’t. Maybe something will seem off to you. You just don’t know, until you actually do it.
Slowly start (if you haven’t already) introducing him into your son’s life. A great first meeting is when the child is attending a party or get together with friends-much less pressure on everyone. Take your son and a few of his friends to Chuck E Cheese or the park, and have your boyfriend meet you there. Have your boyfriend come over for dinner. Go minature golfing. Don’t make all the visits fun outings, because that’s not how life is. Your boyfriend needs to see how fun it can be, and how not fun it can be. Everyone in this situation needs time to see what it would be like. Like Wendy said, you’re 23. Yes you’re probably a lot different than many 23 year olds, but time is in fact on your side. Heck, I’m 30 and still taking things slowly because that’s what is best for my daughter, and my boyfriend and I. It’s been such a joy to watch them get to know each other, and me to see my boyfriend in a completely different light.
Same boat here! Me? It took 6 months before my bf met my (then) 5 yr old son. We took things VERY slow. He never spent a night at my place when my son was home. He would come over for dinner, we would do things on the weekends. (And my ex husband is very involved in my sons life.) Two and a half years in, my son loves my bf and vice versa. My bf doesn’t have children. We are both old enough that my son is the only child we will have. We are making the big next step this summer – we will be moving to his house this month and getting married later this summer. My son is over the moon thrilled to have another person that loves him in his life. (his words, not mine!) I think the key is to take things slow, let them develop a relationship at their own pace. Let them be friends before you make them be family. But that’s just my two cents. Good Luck LW!
I think 6 months must be a common benchmark, because that’s when I decided to have my now-husband meet my daughter. I wanted to be sure that a) our relationship was going somewhere and b) he was someone I felt comfortable having around her. I’m glad I did it that way; it gave them time to get adjusted to each other (she was almost 4 when they met), and now they have a wonderful relationship (she calls him “Daddy””, which was her choice!).
Also, LW, the whole “I’ll want to be at every team practice, blah blah blah” line is him making excuses. Not wanting to give up his current lifestyle? How is he going to react when he graduates and starts working and his current lifestyle is shifting then? Seriously, it sounds like he’s putting the cart before the horse here. Why is he so concerned with all that stuff now? It’s not like he’ll be solely responsible for sending your son to college. Tell him to calm down; while big issues like college, etc., are important, your son’s only 6 and there’s plenty of time to work out those details still.
I dont get people that would date and start a serious relationship with someone with a kid if they’re not prepared to take it on.
When I was single I knew I couldn’t imagine being a stepmom, so I would never have dreamed of dating a dad.
I know not all realtionships have to be serious or lead to marriage, but i find it really unfair for kids to have to meet suitor after suitor and not having a stable presence (ok , the dad is present here, but the mom has already had atleast one other serious relationship, apart from this one. If there is one thing children need in their lives it’s stability, the possibility to form relationships with people (that don’t “disappear” on them later). I know that if I ever divorce I’ll wait until I’m completely certain about someone before I introduce him to my daughters!
Rereading, I see that the bf is only 23, it’s totally acceptable if he’s not ready to be stepdad, I only hope that if it is the case he realizes it. A fb “friend” last year married a guy with a daughter, a few months later posted.. “pregnant!!!! I’m finally going to be a real mommy not just a stepmom!”, I could only imagine the hurt of her stepdaughter if she ever read that, not to mention the attitude the poor thing must put up with when at her dad’s house!
“…my current boyfriend doesn’t know if he’d want to take responsibility for another person’s child (the biological father is highly involved in my son’s life).”
Your boyfriend has only been dating you for six months, but we don’t know how much time he’s spent with your son. Some single parents wait a period of time before introducing their child(ren) to someone that they are dating, so I’m going to assume that you’ve done that, too. Since you state that your son’s biological father is highly involved, your boyfriend may not have spent a lot of time with your son at this point since your son may be with his father a lot.
My thought is if he’s been dating you and sees a possible future with you, he recognizes that it includes your son. He may not be ready now, but that’s because you’ve only been dating six months, and he’s likely not developed much of a “parent like” relationship with your son yet. Plus, at 23 without kids of his own, he probably doesn’t know how to be a parent, and there is the added element of your son’s biological father who is very involved in your son’s life, and your boyfriend may not know what role to take in order to not overstep his boundaries.
You had to learn at a young age to be a parent, and parenting is a lot of work. I don’t think your boyfriend being unsure of what he wants his level of involvement to be after this relatively short period of time is a red flag that he won’t ever. Just because he loves you, it doesn’t mean that he will instantly love your child at the same time – he needs time to feel that way about your son.
Step-parents have different roles in their step-childrens’ lives, and so it’s up to those involved to decide how they will be defined. If you truly feel that there is a future with your boyfriend, I’d continue with the relationship and work to have your boyfriend and son become more involved with one another. Let it develop naturally, just as your relationship with your boyfriend has developed. However, if he decides that he is certain (no longer unsure as he is now, but truly certain) that he is not willing to be a step-parent, then you need to decide what course of action to take with your relationship.
You say in your letter that you have matured and come to understand what parenthood is about. Then you know that your son (at least at this point, as much as you may not want to lose this great guy) must come first. Kids are extremely good at reading people, and knowing when they are not exactly loved. I think it would hurt your son immensely to meet this new person who loves his mom, but only tolerates him. It’s great that his biological father is very involved in his life, but it will not matter if the man you choose to be with sees your son as a distraction, or someone he has to deal with because he wants to be with you. Kids are very good at distinguishing real love from anything else. Your BF may not have to be ‘a full-time father’ to your son, but he has to genuinely like him and enjoy spending time with him. Anything less will leave your son feeling like he is a bother.
You have to explain this to your BF. You have to clearly say what will be expected of him (for example spending one hour of quality time with a kid every day (checking homework, playing soccer, reading)). You have to tell him that he has to really care for the kid and has to want to get to know him and to spend time with him. However, if your BF makes it clear that he cannot commit to that, it may be best to put this relationship on hold. You are only 23. There will be other guys that will enjoy all aspects of being with you AND your son.
A six-month relationship typically isn’t ready for ultimatums involving marriage or kids, so the LW is probably jumping the gun here. If she does lay down the law, she’d better be prepared for him to walk since it’s unlikely that he’ll be ready to make a lifelong commitment to a child and relationship that didn’t exist six months ago. It’s asking a lot.
I understand that having a child doesn’t automatically destroy your dreams, but that’s a very hard sell to a 23-year old that just invested about $200K in his education and hasn’t really even started his career yet. If I were to make DearWendyBook.com odds on this guy sticking around if faced with an ultimatum, I would open the line at 40-1.
I have to say that I have never dated a man with a child; it just never happened, and I don’t know how I would handle it. I probably couldn’t do it seriously because I don’t want children, and if things got serious I’d become some kind of parental figure to the child. A parent needs to be there 150% for their child, and that means I would come second, which is how it should be if you have children.
This is really tough! There’s no easy solution, but I just wanted to give props to the LW for being a teen mom, going to college, and overall being so successful!!
Before I say my piece I want to note that your boyfriend is 23 yrs old & although he may have matured in his career, that doesn’t mean he’s ready to play house. You already matured because you have been a mother for some time, but it’s difficult for people who’ve never had children & don’t intend to have them for a while to get into “parent mode.” I know I wouldn’t do that (I am also 23) & that’s ok! For you & him…That just means you two are in diff. places & probably aren’t meant to be together…
All that aside, please inform your boyfriend that as long as your son’s dad is fully involved in his life, there’s really not much responsibility he needs to tack on…
& please be careful about who you put in your child’s life. No judgment, but your main focus should be your son and how his life will be affected. If you get serious with a man that wants nothing to do with your child, then you need to kick his ass out the door, regardless of how much “you care about him,” because all that’s going to do is hurt your child. I’m not sure how exactly you are, but I’ve witnessed, first hand, (my brother’s mom) women that choose their boyfriends over their children & that is really awful.
My brother enlisted in the army, left to Iraq for two years, & upon his return his mom had a new bf. She told my brother, “You need to find somewhere else to stay because my new bf is paying half the rent & he turned your room into his office & doesn’t want anyone staying here.” (Let me just add that was my brother’s home before this guy even came into the picture, he grew up there!!)
So, HOPEFULLY you’re not that type of woman because it is really damaging to your child. I say, have a talk with your boyfriend about what YOU need from him if he wants to stay from you. Whatever he responds, take it seriously, & please have your son’s best interest in mind, not your boyfriend’s. There are plenty of other men out there.
I honestly would never give ultimatums, especially not 6 months into the relationship. Just because he’s a 23 year old engineer, doesn’t mean he has even 1/4 as much maturity as you do as a 23 year old mom, business owner, home owner, and soon-to-be graduate (CONGRATS BTW!). There is absolutely nothing wrong with him not wanting to be a parent now, goodness he’s 23! I’m 25 and I can’t even stand the thought. I know I want to be a mom one day in the future, just like your bf, but for now, our priorities are different.
Be happy that he is being honest with you and isn’t feeding you sweet nothings which only materialize into false promises. DO let him know that you can see a future with him and make it clear that it will involve your son. But before you do anything, I would definitely want you to understand first what that future looks like. If the biological father is so involved, how is that dynamic going to be managed? The kid, of course, can have multiple father figures, but truthfully, he can only have one dad. That is something that will require input from all parties: the child, biological dad and the boyfriend.
“I don’t know if I want to take care of another man’s child” = I don’t want to take care of your kid. He is telling you plain and clear who he is.
Move on, unfortunately. It’s only been six months.
The good news is that your current boyfriend sounds like a stand-up guy. He’s been honest with you and clearly takes fatherhood very seriously, which would make him a great husband and parent in the long run.
I totally understand why he doesn’t want kids right now (I’m 25 and feel the same way). Maybe you guys can agree on a timeline that he’s comfortable with. And you’re already a pro at this parenting thing, so he’d be lucky to have a wife/girlfriend who can show him the ropes. All in all, he sounds like the kind of guy worth waiting for, even if he’s not quite ready to be a parent.
But that’s just my two cents. You’re only one that can make that call.
To me this whole thing reminds of people that don’t want to be called grand-parents. It doesn’t matter what you call it, the fact is your child has had a child, and that makes YOU a grand-parent (in this case a step-father).
If the LW’s BF chooses to stay with her, he will be a parent. How well will he do, depends only on him and the effort he choose to put into taking care, even if only part-time, of a 6 year old boy.
We don’t really know how much time the bf has
spent with the son or how he feels about him.
I have a friend with four awesome kids ages 3-11.
She was dating a guy who told her he didn’t really want
kids because of the responsibility (he has nieces/nephews,so he understands). But recently he spent some time with the kids and saw how he’d fit into the family. Now he says he is reconsidering his earlier statement. LW’s boyfriend may need something similar to understand what his role might be.
This may not be a very popular response, but if you have a child you have a responsibility to be very careful when choosing who you date. If this man has no interest in being a possible step-father to your child, then you should NOT be dating him. Your child is your first priority. Just imagine the heartbreak your child feels when someone they have come to love and trust is suddenly gone. I grew up with a father who had a revolvong door of girlfriends and it broke my heart whenever the girlfriend was gone. What I’m trying to say is that it is your job to make sure the men you date are up to the responsibility of being a parent. It may not seem fair, and of course you don’t want to pressure someone you have just begun to date, but you need to make sure that the person you date understands that you have a child and that the child is part of the package.
Looking at this from the kiddo’s point of view…LW=Mom, a very special person to me, Dad=Dad, a very special person to me, Mom’s BF/Stepdad=another relationship of Mom’s that I somehow have to learn to deal with. The role of BF/Stepdad and step-kid, even in the best of cases, is a bridged relationship unless both the kiddo and the man want a direct relationship, the bio-parents allow a direct relationship to happen, and some bonding occurs between the kiddo and the step. My greater concern is the upcoming move. If custody decrees prevent the child from moving with the LW, but the boyfriend makes the move, the odds down at Wendy’sBook are going to be 10,000,000:1 that the son learns that Mom’s boyfriend is more important than he is. Been there, took years of therapy to get through the anger…most of the anger.
It sounds like he’s saying he doesn’t want to be a parent for another 15 years. That’ll be too late for your current child. I’m guessing he’s really not going to be ready for a long time, and since your top priority is to your kid, you need to either keep it casual and keep him out of your kid’s life, or else break up with him and find someone who is ready to both commit and be a (step)father now…
I, for one, think the 23 year old should be applauded for his honesty. Or at least his attempt at it. (Some of you may be right, some of his excuses, may just be excuses…That said, these excuses reveal the truth. He DOES NOT think he is ready to be a parental figure.) That is actually a VERY mature attitude. Frankly, there is NOTHING wrong with that, either. How many of us at 23 would have been stoked about suddenly becoming the step parent of a 6 year old?
Moreover, the LW is completely rushing things here. Six months is really just that.
Also, yeah, I want to echo what others have said about moving across the country. Really? You totally luck out in the sense that you have an ex who genuinely not only wants to remain involved in his child’s life, but also sincerely makes a real effort to do so… Even so you just want to uproot everything and move clear across country to live out some fantasy with a guy you’ve barely known six months? That really is just so incredibly selfish. You are putting your needs wayyyyyyy ahead of not only the father’s but also the child’s! Put bluntly, you simply do NOT sound nearly as mature as you claim to be.
This is why you should really make sure you are ready to have a child before you actually do so. That this most obvious statement on the planet seems to difficult for you straight people to comprehend is…well…simply pathetic to me. Having a child too young means that you may have to give up on some of your dreams because you have other responsibilities… Your fantasies of life with this new guy may very well one of those things you have to give up. Sorry. But that’s life. And moreover, that’s the life you created for yourself.
Also…there is also another possibility nagging in the back of my mind. What if the 23 year old isn’t nearly so sold on the LW as she thinks he is. This whole “I am not ready to be a dad idea” could simply be a misguided and understandably immature (remember, the guy is ONLY 23) attempt at letting her down easy…
Agree, however I’m not sold on the idea that dude balking on putting the relationship on the fast-track to daddy-land is misguided or immature.
If anything, it spells cautious and mature.
On a slightly unrelated note, girl (LW) that’s a LOT of pressure to put on yourself, your future and this young-man.
Read my post again. I don’t think it’s immature of him to feel that way either. I was only saying at the end that he might simply be saying so in an immature attempt to letting her down easy… Using it as an excuse to break up with somebody when it is not the REAL reason you want to break up with them would be kind of immature.
Uhhh, yeah. Everything BGM says*, ESPECIALLY that the dude sounds smart and mature for knowing what he is and is not ready for, and that you (LW) need to be taking him exactly at his word for the good of your child, as well as for your own good and your boyfriend’s own good.
Also, is it even legal to move a kid away from his father, if that’s what “moving across the country together” means? I would think the father would hella fight that in custody court. Whether or not it’s legal, it sounds very wrong to me.
*Has hell frozen over? 🙂
Speaking from my own experience only – my 24 year old daughter has a 7 year old child and a 24 year old boyfriend of 2 years – baby daddy not in the picture. I believe it is very difficult to be a 23 year old person and start to raise a 6 year old. If it was a baby that, in my opinion, would be different. Or if it was his own child that would be different. I have seen 1st hand how difficult it is for my daughter’s boyfriend & how difficult it is for my grand child as well. While there are always exceptions, it is my belief that there are very few 23 year old men that are mature enough to take on helping to raise a 6 year old. From your letter it seems your boyfriend has already told you he is not ready at this age/stage to be a dad. I would believe him. I wish every day my daughter was with a mature 30 year old that was emotionally & finacially capable of rasing a family.
6 months
180 days
Not enough time to make major decision with someone.
If you like him – then date him. If, in a year or two, you are still together, then worry about step daddy issues.
In the meantime, don’t let your child form a bond with him. When, and only when, your BF is willing to make a commitment to you and your child, should you consider letting your child get to know that person. Children don’t need to meet everyone you date – even if you are “in love”.
At 23, with a child, and your life experiences, you are way ahead of the curve. Most 23 years old have not experienced life as you have and far more immature. You need to realize that no matter how much you “love” this new boyfriend, you have more life experience that he does. Nota Bena: falling in love in 6 months, to me, is an indication that you are still very young also.
Go slowly
Protect your child
Don’t force your BF to be a stepdad if he is not ready
Don’t force a stepdad on your son
Has anyone taking into consideration the age of this couple. At 23 I was not concernd with having kids. (Three yrs later and that’s a different story 🙂 ) but all the guys I know/knew at 23 only wanted kids if they thought their girlfriends were gonna leave them. I think this is just a lot for this guy to process in a short amount of time. 6 months really isn’t a lot of time for someone who had his life mapped out to turn around and be quick to dropped everything he is working for on a relationship he is not quite 100% sure will work out. I think the letter writer needs to sit down and have some serious talks with this BF and find out what the deal is. And maybe she is jumping ahead of herself, and he is starting to get second thoughts. Not everyone is ready to take on a responsibility of raising a child, especially for someone else’s child. And I do see both sides of the coin cause my brother is in the process of adopting his wife’s 3 yr old son. He was ready for parenthood at the time but still there were some reservations about it at first. And it is natural to have thoughts like these, especially if you have primary custody, because the child will be with you most of the time. I think you just need to slow it down, and let the relationship get stronger, and let it all happen when it will, instead of trying to keep everything on a run-away train.
Just a note:
It takes 9 months to MAKE a kid for a reason: To give people time to process the idea of becoming a parent. 6 months into a relationship isn’t enough time for the relationship, let alone a stepparent relationship. ‘Nuff said there.
Please do not try to convince this man to become a parent. He clearly does not want to and trying to twist his arm may give you the satisfaction of being with him temporarily BUT, trust me on this, if he stays with you he will end up resenting you more than you can possibly imagine once the reality of the situation sets in.
I am a step-parent and I can tell you that it is HARD. As in incredibly difficult day in and day out. And I am 45 years old and genuinely love these children more than I thought was possible. However, it still amazes me how a child can be wonderful one minute and impossible the next. My commitment to my fiance is rock solid – he is truly the love of my life – but even I wonder sometimes what the hell I have gotten myself into.
If someone has been forced in anyway to become a step-parent it is a recipe for disaster. The sacrifices are limitless and the rewards are nearly non-existent. Only a person who truly wants to be there, and truly wants to be part of the child(ren)’s life is going to last.
I hope that you can understand why he is – at minimum – “reluctant” to take on the responsibility of being your kid’s stepdad. Unless he is head-over-heels in love with you, and absolutely sure that everything will work out, it doesn’t make sense to become involved in something that complicated.
Also, in some states he can become liable for child support if the actual father isn’t around and he “acts as” the father. Thats a huge risk given that its always possible for the relationship to go wrong and that he can never end the obligation.
I think they should sit down and have a talk, the LW’s. they should both let each other feel about their expectations from one another in the relationship. I’m 26 I’m currently dating a single mom, and yeah it is difficult to deal with a child who isn’t yours, especially not having any of your own. We have our personal issues between each other sometimes. But they should take things slow, I mean they’ve only been together for six months. I’ve been dating this single mom for about 8 months and things are OK, but Kinda slow because she works full time and I work part-time and go to schoo.l full-time. So sometimes we have arguments because we don’t get a whole lot of time together. It’s kinda hard being a busy young man chasing a career while working and making time for her and her child.
We don’t live together by the way. We are currently going through a situation because I have a lot goin on in my life right now(school, work, family issues…etc). So It’s a little hard because we are in two different stages in life ourselves. I love her and her son, he’s a great kid. But at the same time her future is already set, raising her son and finding someone to that will be willing to help, and mine is just beginning. I love her and want to be with her, but I feel in the near future I won’t have the time or patience that she and her child may need from me.
I read a good ways through the comments, but admittedly not all of them. Reading the letter you wrote, I’m sure the 2 of you feel intensely, but I don’t think you are on the same page or very compatible.
Cross Country moves, not ready for kids until mid to late 30’s (which btw women’s fertility takes a decline after age 35, so I definitely question if he truly wants kids at all if that is his game plan), doesn’t want to give up his lifestyle, worrying about the responsibilities of you having a kid…this is not really something that demonstrates the same level of maturity as you being a single mom who owns a house and juggled college and and and (you are very successful, congrats!!) . Becoming an engineer is no easy task and very impressive, but doesn’t necessarily relate to maturity. He seems very goal oriented and is no doubt a great catch, but maybe not EXACTLY what your family needs.
I also don’t advise introducing him to your son so he can get a feel for it. He has clearly communicated that he is not at all sure. Do you really want to introduce them and then him realize that he doesn’t want that life? And then any ties your son may have established would more than likely be severed.
There are men out there who want and are ready for a family. When I started dating after my divorce, my bff advised me that a man I date shouldn’t be willing to “deal” with my child…he should be excited about her.
Such men exist. I found one 😉 you can too. Just wait and be patient and don’t compromise your requirements on what the man for you should be. Be clear about what you expect from a man in regards to how he should be with you and with your son and and don’t settle for less. Wait for the right man before you take the bait and give things a try. I’ve found it to be a good strategy.
No interest in “parenting” or financially supporting somebody else’s offspring. If I wanted to do that, I’d be a school teacher or running an orphanage or a shelter or something.
He’s not compatible. Break it off now.
He wants to wait til he’s kid 30s to start having kid responsibilities? But he choose to date a woman with a 6 year old kid? That’s absurd.
You and the child are a package deal. Day one of dating you, he needed to be prepared to become a full father should the relationship develop into a monogamous one.
He wants the entire decade to be sexy fun sex, sleeping in, no responsibilities and fun times. Okay, that’s fair. But then its over between you too, today.
You have a responsibility to your son, and hes not going to fit that mold or participate. You need to grow up and leave. This whole 6 months was a complete waste.