“My Boyfriend Ditched Me On NYE to Vacation with His Friends”
Well, fast forward to the actual trip. Someone who was in the travel group discovered on the day before they were set to leave that his passport had expired and he consequently could not go. He asked my boyfriend if he wanted to take over his reservation, since his spot at the all-inclusive resort was paid for and it was nonrefundable. My boyfriend called me at work, when I was about to go into a hearing, and said this had happened and asked if I’d mind if he went on the trip. I was really caught off-guard and pressed for time, but said that, although I would be sad not to spend the holiday with him, it seemed silly to have a paid-for vacation to go to waste. He got the time off work and left the country within twelve hours.
We are now several days into his surprise adventure and I am not handling it as well as I thought I would. Intellectually, I understand that he didn’t set out to abandon me over New Year’s and abscond to a fun foreign country, but I’m having a hard time not being bitter and cranky about this. Instead of spending this time together, like we’d planned, I’m stuck in a snowstorm at home, feeding his cat, while he is on a tropical vacation that I am not on because he didn’t think he could get the time off work.
I don’t know what I should have done differently that would have resulted in a better outcome for me. I would have felt very selfish telling him to stay home. That said, this is so frustrating because it is a trip that I wanted to go on, but didn’t go on, because he didn’t think he could get the time off work and I didn’t want to go without him – and then he got the time off work and went on the trip without me.
I know I didn’t tell him not to go, but I guess I was hoping he would be a little bit more understanding about the impact of his choice. Is there a better way I could have handled this? What do I do with this now? — Sad and Snowed In
Sometimes people we love make choices that upset us and there’s nothing we can do to prevent those choices without causing additional conflict or drama. This is one of those cases, I think. You could have told your boyfriend you didn’t want him to go, which is basically the truth. Say what you will about the waste of a paid-for vacation not being used, but if you’re honest with yourself, you didn’t want your boyfriend to choose the paid-for vacation — a vacation you wanted to go on in the first place and turned down to be with him — over spending New Year’s Eve with you. And that’s fair. You could have said: “This may sound selfish, but I really want you to spend the holiday with me, like we planned.” That way, Greg would have known where you stood, understanding the potential repercussion/conflict of his choice.
So, what do you do now? Tell Greg when he gets back that you missed him and that, had you had more time to think about what his going on this trip would mean for you, you would have told him how disappointed you’d be to not spend the holiday with him. Tell him that in a sense you felt rejected for something better — something you turned down to be with him. Tell him that in the future you will make a better effort to communicate your honest feelings, but you also need him to make a better effort to consider your feelings, be empathetic to your needs even when you don’t always express them fully, and to take opportunities to prioritize your feelings over his when it really matters.
This too will pass, and ultimately it’s just a small bump in the road. There will be more hurdles, and you will have your feelings hurt again and sometimes you will be the one doing the hurting. The important thing is to learn from this and to communicate as best you can when you know what it is you want and need. Give positive reinforcement when choices are made that validate you and make you feel loved and important, and don’t be shy about expressing when choices leave you feeling less than important.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
When I read your letter, my primary response was just to feel empathy for you. I can tell you really tried to do the right thing at every turn. Although I agree with Wendy that, in hindsight, candor would have yielded preferable results, I also think that your split-second choice not to stand in his way probably told him a lot about the loving person you are; clearly, you really value his happiness and I imagine that comes through in many ways. And though I hope you won’t make a habit of prioritizing his good time over your own, I do admire the selflessness of what you did. My own group of friends is also longstanding and only sees one another infrequently, but when someone brings a spouse or significant other into the mix with an attitude as good as yours, it’s such an asset. Your boyfriend and his friends probably spent the whole vacation wishing you were there. Hopefully next time will work out better for you.
LW – While I understand why you are upset, you set yourself up. The feelings of disappointment and betrayal should be directed at yourself, not your BF. You wanted to be the good girlfriend and magnanimously allow him to go on a vacation, but you also expected him to read between the lines and know that you really didn’t want him to go. You cannot expect him to read your mind especially when he does not actually see you in person or have a chance to actually discuss the vacation with you due to the shortened timeline. Give him a break and remind yourself in the future that being passive aggressive about decisions can have upsetting consequences.
I don’t think that the LW was or is being passive-aggressive at all about this. She’s actually being very selfless and feeling (justifiable) disappointment. In no way has she mentioned trying to punish her boyfriend for this, just how to avoid this in the future.
I also don’t think that it’s all on her. Any person in a serious relationship should consider their partner’s feelings when making a big choice like this, and if the boyfriend had thought for a moment I think he would have realized she would have been sad. This assumes the boyfriend knows that the LW originally planned to go and that the only reason she didn’t is because of the boyfriend’s work schedule, and I think that’s a reasonable assumption to make.
My biggest question is this: Why can the boyfriend suddenly get the time off work? You’d think it’d be even harder to get that time at the last minute than in advance.
Yes about the time off thing. WTH?
I think part of her thinks he didn’t want to go with her, but given the opportunity to go without her, he jumped on it.
Perhaps passive aggressive is not the right term. I used it because I could not think of a better way to describe her response since she admits that she is sulking over the situation. My interpretation was that she knew she didn’t want him to go on the trip, but also knew that it was unreasonable to demand he give up a free vacation. Therefore she agreed hoping he would make the same choice she did back in the fall when she decided that she wanted to spend NYE with him rather than flying to an all-inclusive resort. If someone gives permission and encourages their partner to do something, they really cannot he upset when it happens. Perhaps the BF would have made a different choice if he had more than 12 hours to think about it, maybe he misses her as much as she misses him – he didn’t write in and since we have no background from him, I just was remarking on her.
The time off work thing isn’t surprising to me. In a lot of professional services jobs where work ebbs and flows it’s not unusual to have periods where you can get away but couldn’t have planned to get away. I’ve had many weeks where I could have taken a vacation but couldn’t have committed to one months before.
People can give permission and still be upset. That’s how feelings work. People can’t control their feelings. She’s not angry or going off the deep end about it, she’s conflicted over her feelings and what to do…
I don’t think she had the time to have expectations into him reading her mind. She was put on the spot and gave him her go ahead. She’s not trying to punish him. She feels sad and left out and it’s not inexcusable to have feelings about things that happen to you that are disappointing.
Definitely not inexcusable to have feelings of disappointment, but she wants to know what she should do which in my mind is nothing. She gave him permission and now is upset. Talking to him about how miserable she was while he was gone would be laying a guilt trip on him for making a decision that she agreed with. Rather I think she should chalk this up as a learning experience.
Right, I don’t feel like it would be out of line to follow up with a level headed conversation about how she felt about the whole thing… really wanted to go together, wished that would have worked out, was taken very much by surprise with the request for him to go on really short notice, said ok, and then ended up feeling lonely and wishing they could have been on the trip together – next year, could they make that work? And then let it go…
You said she can’t be upset now that she gave permission. That’s just illogical. She can be upset. She’s in a good relationship, I’m sure he even knows at this point that she’s feeling a little left out. It’s okay to have feelings and share them. She doesn’t sound super angry or hotheaded about it. She sounds pretty levelheaded about it.
Anonymousse – I think I differ in opinion with you because of the fact that she gave him permission. She told him to go on the trip knowing that she would then be alone at NYE. Of course it sucks that he was not there during the holiday, but sitting down and discussing it is moving the goal posts in my mind. If he had decided to travel without her permission/input then yes they would need to discuss it, but he asked her and she encouraged him to take the trip. I am not faulting her with being lonely or disappointed but I also think that having a serious discussion about it is not going to accomplish anything expect laying a guilt trip on him which is unfair.
Who said she has to have a serious discussion? She can simply say, “Hey, I am truly glad you went and had a good time. You deserve fun vacations. In retrospect, I wish it hadn’t turned out this way because I felt left out.” People in good adult relationships discuss their feelings, even if they are illogical. She was alone, last minute, with time off she expected to be spending with him. It’s no surprise wandering around her apartment, snowed in, that she’s now regretting her initial reaction and feeling badly about it. What’s she supposed to do, hide her feelings? Lie about it? It’s valid to have feelings.
Anonymousse – I guess we will have to agree to disagree on this one. Hope you had a great holiday
“Allow him” – he’s an adult, not her child.
Wow!
One thing I’ve learned is that you do not have to answer difficult/confrontational questions on the spot. That applies to work or personal. You can ask for time to think. It is always ok to say, “let me get back to you on that.” In this case you could have said, “oh jeez, I’m running into a meeting, let me call you afterward.” That would give you time to think and process how you feel before responding with an honest answer like Wendy suggested.
Good point.
I think if the LW would have explicitly said she’d rather not miss him during NYE, that would have been a problem too. He asked her, expecting nothing less than a yes. If it would have been me in his position, I would have cut my losses and stayed. Maybe that’s just me.
I don’t think it’s fair to say the bf called and expected nothing less than a ‘yes’. No where did the letter hint that. For all we know, he could have been conflicted and was calling her to see where she was at to try and help guide his decision making.
I see what you mean, and I’m not saying he’s a jerk here. But he did put her on the spot, to try and hurry the decision. He left within 12 hours so I have to assume he was in a rush. I mean they didn’t even see each other anymore after the phone call – or am I missing something? That to me indicated that he wanted a fast and clear “yes”.
@hannanas…those things you list (put her on the spot, left within 12 hours, didn’t see each other after the call) are all due to the circumstance- as in he found out 12 hours before the flight, she happened to be at work, etc.
None of those things indicate that he wanted a fast and clear yes. Those things indicate that he found out about it last minute and called to ask her opinion.
You are assuming he wanted a yes. There’s still an alternate scenario here where he called because he wasn’t sure what to do and wanted her opinion. All of the other things you listed could still happen in this scenario.
The LW could have asked for a little bit more time to make a decision when he called. All we know is that she blurted out an answer in a hurry, not that he hurried her for an answer.
It’s true Snoopy, the LW could have asked for a little more time to decide. But he could have just given her more time to begin with. If he didn’t have the time to do that, then the decision was already made. That’s just the way I interpret it – admittedly subjectively.
Again, if it was me, I’d have probably cut my losses and gone through with the plans I’d made with my partner.
I don’t know if I buy this “put on the spot” stuff. I mean, yes, he gave her little warning and there was limited time to make a decision, buuuutttt…this is her partner here. Not some sales person using high pressure sales tactics or something. It sounds like he had limited time to make a decision, but he wasn’t trying to push or pressure her into giving her the answer he wanted.
If you can’t say no to your partner, or, let me get through this hearing first and get back to you, who can you say no to? Her inability to ask for a beat to think it over (even if there is a pretty short time frame to give an answer) says more about her then it does about the relationship, I think.
I say “put her on the spot” because what else could she have answered? Either at that point or later on.
She ‘loses’ either way: if she says “no”, she’s needy. If she says “yes”, she can’t feel bad about it. If she says “Let me think about it”, it’s just postponing her answer.
I think if you are in a loving equal relationship, you could probably say whatever you wanted.
I would have no qualms telling my husband, “Look, I need to go to this meeting first, let’s chat again after”. Maybe that’s postponing an answer (I mean, it is), but if I felt I needed time to think about it, I wouldn’t be afraid to ask for it, and I know my husband would respect that and give it to me.
I also wouldn’t be afraid to outright say no because I know he loves me and trusts me and values my opinion and preferences, but he’s not a mind reader. If I knew, without having to think about it, that I wanted him to stay so we could spend the holiday together, I wouldn’t be afraid of saying so and I wouldn’t be afraid that I’d be viewed as the bad guy.
Also, it’s not like *he* purposefully gave her a short time window to make a decision, he himself was given a short time period. It’s not like he knew days before and waited until last minute so she’d be trapped into saying yes; it was just the circumstances they were both dealing with. If she knew she didn’t want him to go, she should have just said so.
If she didn’t know what she wanted, she could’ve asked for a little more time to think. If he thought she was a bad guy for asking for those accommodations (or just saying no), well then I guess you’re right that it’s not just about her he’s also a jerk.
But, again, he didn’t wait until the last minute to ask, it’s just how the situation played out.
I agree with Snoopy – he didn’t call her and tell her he was going on the trip, he called and asked if he could go. She also admits that she gave him permission and even told him it would be silly to let a free all-inclusive trip go to waste.
I think this bothers you so much because it exposes a problem in your life…without your boyfriend, what do you do? Do you have friends you could’ve spent NYE with? Or did his friends become your friends and you’ve made no effort to have a life outside of him? I suspect this would have hurt a lot less if you had somewhere to go instead too. Furthermore, it’s unfair to expect him read between the lines and stay with you. Your original impulse was the right one-it was gracious and kind, and hopefully if the shoe was on the other foot your boyfriend would do the same.
I agree. If you see a future and marriage with this guy, then you will need to realize there will be plenty of times where you have the opportunity to do things apart. Sometimes you will be left home with the responsibilities while he has fun. This should reverse and you should do fun trips on your own too. A healthy long-term relationship needs to allow breathing room for both parties. Yes the timing and circumstance of this sucks. But honestly, if you wanted to go back in the fall, you should have gone for it. He didn’t try to stop you. Who knows, it may have forced his hand on the leave request front too. At any rate, mourn a holiday not spent together and look for a fun trip for you to take on your own in the near future – just for you.
You say you and Greg have a great relationship, so I would say almost exactly this. I suspect Greg, if your relationship is as strong as you say it is, will be sincerely apologetic and will endeavor to be more considerate in the future. And you will, I hope, be grateful that his response is one of apology and not of indignation, because the former is what you’d hope his response would be. And you’ll move forward, and hopefully become stronger and stronger, and if there’s actually that serious future that involves a life together and/or marriage, this is something you’ll playfully mock him for years into the marriage in a “Apparently he loves drinks with umbrellas more than he loves me” way that you both smile at 🙂
I think at the heart of it, the LW feels he didn’t prioritize or even attempt to take work off to do this trip with her, but he jumped at the chance to do it without her. That would probably sting with anyone. I’d be super happy to let my husband go do this, but I’d still be disappointed that I couldn’t go. It’s nothing to do with being overly dependent on your partner. It’s about feeling left out. Who would want to be stick in a snowstorm, while your partner and all his pals are in Mexico or another warm destination? NYE is overwhelmingly a couple’s holiday, and a lot of their friends in common were on this trip.
Exactly this. All of a sudden, the boyfriend CAN take time off at a moment’s notice if he gets a free trip? And for months, when they were BOTH considering going, he wouldn’t bother making the effort?
That’s how it feels, I’m sure. And, LW: Greg not going to the all-inclusive wouldn’t be “wasting a free trip.” It would be “passing on a free trip in order to follow through on previous plans with his girlfriend.”
The LW’s disappointment is understandable, and it’s ridiculous to call her “overly dependent” when holiday plans she made specifically to be with her boyfriend (passing on other enticing offers) were jettisoned without ceremony by the boyfriend when a new offer came along.
LW, I’m sure Greg doesn’t see it that way. I’m sure he simply didn’t think about anything beyond “hey, free trip!” When you talk to him about your disappointment, hopefully he responds with apologies or bare minimum, understanding. Hopefully he has been in contact with you during the trip, missing you. This situation may not have been anyone’s “fault,” but that doesn’t mean you have to swallow your feelings. At least, he should understand that you are a team, and he needs to think about how his wants affect you.
I would just add that “spending NYE together” is something that I think that matters on average much more to women. And I think that many people automatically ascribe their own priorities to their partner and then read some sort of insult/slight into these kinds of omissions (birthdays are another one). I think that being together on December 31 may not be that important to your boyfriend and you can’t assume that he fully internalizes that it’s important to you. If it is a special time to you when it’s important to be together, then you need to do a better job communicating that to him.
Why is it much more important to women?
I’m gonna blame RomComs. I don’t think its universally true of every woman, but I do think it is more often women who have been sold this misguided notion of true love that requires a man making the grand gesture (such as sacrificing a free vacation) because he loves you sooo much.
Real love is quieter and it doesn’t sync with the swelling music at the end of the third act with 5 minutes til midnight, and so it doesn’t sell as many movie tickets.
Who knows? Being able to spend NYE together does seem to come up more as a concern/complaint from women , either in terms of Internet advice writing or my own experiences with friends. There’s another complaint in the forums right now from some lady about this.
It may be in part that on average women are more self conscious about events/times when couplehood is emphasized. Lots of complaints about not being able to bring boyfriend to wedding or boyfriend not bringing her to a wedding or going to a wedding without a date etc. I’m sure it’s not universal but I think that it happens more with women.
It doesn’t really matter if the breakdown happens on gender lines. The issue is that there are many people (disproportionately male, I suspect) that don’t really give a crap about NYE and if it’s important to the LW she needs to communicate that to her partner better instead of just taking sullen offense at his inability to psychically intuit that it’s important to her.
I don’t know anyone, man or woman, who thinks it’s a huge deal. Personally I dislike NYE, I don’t really see the point. I’ve spent it separate from my husband, and I wish I had this year. I would have stayed home if so many people hadn’t pressured me to show up (which is probably the main reason I hate it, the social pressure).
I honestly have never cared about NYE and Valentine’s Day. I love aspects about the holidays we just went through, but there’s also a lot of hate deep inside me for those, too.
One other woman writing about it on this site doesn’t make a theme, however. And if you head over to Reddit or other relationship sites, you’ll find many, many NYE posts from men. I’d say even more from men. The romantic expectation is on both sides.
I agree, so many rom cons focus on this. In practice, I think a lot of women DGAF about it or VDay, really. It’s a chance to party and cut loose more than anything else.
Yeah I didn’t think it was so weird that he found the time to take off. Things always surprise me by how much they slow down around Christmas, even after years at my job. I like to be available to pick up slack around the holidays if they need it, but more often than not I’m left in a quiet office cleaning my inbox and wishing I had just taken the whole week off. If an all-expenses paid vacation fell in my lap last Wednesday I would have wanted to jump on it.
You mentioned that you didn’t know what you could have done differently for a better outcome for yourself. Here’s what you could have done: Not give him an immediate answer. Next time he springs something like this on you, you can say, “Okay, I need to think about this. Can I get back to at X time?” or “I’m about to go into a hearing. Can we talk about this at X time, when I’m out of the hearing?”
I’m guessing your BF didn’t spring this on you right before a hearing on purpose. (If he did, that would a super shitty thing to do.) But still, you shouldn’t feel pressured to answer questions like this on the spot.
Also, it sucks that he left within 12 hours of deciding to go on the trip. That leaves you very little time to make alternate plans for the holidays. If he had decided at least a few days in advance to go on this trip, you maybe could’ve booked a trip for yourself or made plans to visit friends.
When he returns, maybe you can frame the conversation as, “Next time, I would appreciate it if you’d give me more notice. I felt sort of lonely and abandoned but maybe I wouldn’t have felt that way if I had had the opportunity to make other arrangements before you left.”
I don’t think the bf had a choice though. He didn’t know a few days in advance that the other friend wouldn’t be going. He probably called her as soon as he knew, which was 12 hours before the flight.
@RedRoverRedRover: Yes, in this case, he had to make the decision right away. And I’m not blaming him for leaving her without any alternative plans. I think she probably felt abandoned when he up and left all of a sudden, but I don’t think he intended to abandon her.
BUT, they maybe could agree that in the future neither one of them will jet off on vacation with such short notice, especially over the holidays or other times when they are planning to spend a lot of “together” time. After all, I think it’s fair to ask your partner to give you a little notice before they travel (barring emergencies, of course).
I read your comment as saying HE sucks for giving her so little warning, but now I see what you mean. I agree with you.
Sort of off topic. Can you really transfer a plane ticket to another person in less than 24 hours? I didn’t think you could do that any more and you must show your ID to board the plane and your name must match the name on the ticket.
I don’t think you can either. He may have had to buy his ticket. But they probably needed to fill a double-occupancy room at the hotel. All-inclusive room rates are usually for 2, so whatever other guy was in that room would have to pay double (his room, food, and booze) if he had no roommate.
If he bought the ticket he lied about the free trip because it wasn’t free. Either the LW is making up a story or the boyfriend lied and made reservations along with the group but didn’t tell the LW until the last moment and made up the story about how he ended up on the trip. If he lied then the relationship isn’t nearly as good as the LW thinks because her boyfriend purposely made plans to go on the trip without her. He secretly made reservations.
I read it as the hotel/resort room was already paid for, too, not a plane ticket.
I think that planes are flying full this time of year and so it would be hard to get a seat at the last moment. He needed to have his ticket ahead of time. He didn’t call and say he had this opportunity and would see if he could reserve a seat on a flight he called and said he had a vacation for free.
Damn! Nice twist in there.
Sounds like LW is a lawyer so she probably has the ins and outs squared away.
Idk, and this is all very off-topic, but I know some lawyers who are totally clueless when it comes to these sorts of details… And also, a “hearing” could be government-related, or she could be a paralegal or other person that works in a firm rather than a lawyer.
Most people don’t question what a loved on tells them. They take it at face value.
Yeah, I also read it as he just got the hotel room free, not the plane ticket, but it’s a good point that it would be a huge stroke of luck to find an available, affordable plane ticket for the next day. Like, hmmm… But I don’t know why he’d be so devious as to lie to the LW about this to make it look like a last minute thing.
So she misses her boyfriend. So what! What on earth is wrong with that? People are acting like she’s this super dependant little girl who can’t stand to be without him. That’s not what this is about. She is understandably bummed out because of this situation and any of you would be too.
And also, any of you who have a quick answer to an unexpected URGENT question just like that, hats off to ya. Even if she had asked for some more time – the outcome would have been just the same and she’d have been bummed too. Good grief, she isn’t asking for pity.
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All right. End rant.
Yeah, totally agree.
It also sounds like she’s snowed in, alone in their place, somof course she’s getting introspective.
I think what your boyfriend did was really crappy. He basically made it so you couldn’t go, and he should have turned down the offer without even calling you, because he knows 1. it is something you wanted to do with him, and 2. you already had plans together.
I don’t know what the conversation you could have with him would be like though, since you said he could go. Maybe just let him know that in the future that you wouldn’t be comfortable with something like that happening? This is a tough one, because you did say he could go, but I think there needs to be some way for you to tell him how it made you feel with out starting a big fight.
Totally agree.
My thoughts exactly – his gf didn’t go on the trip because of his doubts about getting time off. They then had plans to spend a few days together with their free days.
Why didn’t he just refuse the opportunity without even telling his gf? A simple “no thanks “ to the friend who couldn’t go and that’s it!
He knew she wouldn’t want him to go without her so he deliberately put her on the spot – damned if she did – or didn’t.
That would be it for me, he obviously puts his needs and wants first, not good husband, or dad material.
The BF should not have asked in the first place. This is so typical of guys, shifting the responsibility. Woman must come to realize, you might be the GF but don’t mean the guy wants to go on holiday with you especially if he feels he can’t be himself. He is not that serious about their relationship as she is.
I know I will probably get jumped on for this one, but I have a weird feeling that maybe boyfriend wanted to go without her. I don’t think LW mentioned how long they have been together (did she? correct me if I missed it, letter was kinda long) I think she may be inserting herself into his group and other people are trying to be gracious and make her feel included even though maybe boyfriend isn’t fully ready for all that yet. Like asking someone to go along (without boyfriend) to be nice, not really thinking she would take them up on it.
I think the amount of time they have been together might make a difference in whether she is being a little too dependent or not.
They aren’t living together, aren’t engaged and he may have just been trying to be nice by asking her permission and was planning on going regardless.
Btw, I am a female and I don’t think NYE is that big of a deal…CHRISTMAS maybe…but again that all depends on how long they have been together and how serious they really are. LW may consider the relationship more serious than bf does.
Totally agree, she sounds like a nice person and being taken advantage of. Also the timing, couples tend to break up around this time of the year.
I’ve learned (the hard way) to say, “Let me think about that and get back to you….” and, “If you need an answer now, then I have to say ‘no.'” Part of the problem here is the sudden quick deadline driven nature of this event. I think it was difficult for both LW and her boyfriend to think as clearly as they might have with time to consider the options and a better outcome for both of them.
Greg should have passed on the opportunity, pure and simple. It’s what a loving partner would do, remembering that she chose him over the vacation. I’m sure he wasn’t the only one who could have used the tickets, heck, he could have offered the opportunity to the LW!! Instead, he prioritized himself and left her in the lurch – immature ID triumphing over Ego. I don’t think a delicate recounting of her feelings is all the LW should look forward to, how about “Heyyyyy! What the heck, dude!?”
I disagree. She told him yes. Should she be able to go to him and say “After the fact, I felt this, and in retrospect wish I had asked you not to go. Going forward can we make sure holidays we are together – barring emergencies?”. Sure. But to come in angry at him for not realizing her yes was really a no, that’s unfair.
Should he have known that he should pick his girlfriend over his friends for NYE? Arguably yes, but again, he asked and she said yes. If she’s afraid to say no to him, that’s on her, and speaks to a bigger issue in their relationship.
MiMi’s point is that Greg shouldn’t have asked in the first place. He’s a big boy who can pass on an offer all by himself without involving the LW or putting her in a no-win position to be either selfish or disappointed. He could have come to the conclusion that, gee, his girlfriend already had to pass on this cool opportunity months ago BECAUSE OF HIM and maybe it’s not fair to leave her in the lurch just because some opportunities opened up for HIM.
But no. Greg made the selfish choice.
Fair enough, perhaps he should have known before even asking.
But, I still maintain that once he asked and said yes, it’s pretty immature on her part to rip into him. Again, in a healthy relationship you should be able to say “No, I am looking forward to spending the holiday with you, and I would feel upset and excluded if you went on a vacation we already decided to not go on”.
If you can’t say that, if you fear you will be the bad guy if you speak your mind, something greater is amiss in your relationship.
OR: Your knee-jerk reaction is to be generous (a good quality!), and regret can creep up when dealing with the reality of a knee-jerk reaction. This LW had a minute to decide because time was of the essence because ol’ Greg needed to buy that solo plane ticket to party-time, post-haste.
Perhaps something IS amiss in this relationship because Greg is selfish.
And who said anything about “ripping into someone?” It would be a far worse relationship if a person is never allowed to talk about her feelings. Do you think it would be better for the LW to keep her mouth shut and for Greg to think this is perfectly cool behavior on his part that DOESN’T hurt his girlfriend’s feelings—so he repeats the selfish behavior? I don’t.
You can definitely talk about it in a way:
“Initially I said yes, but as it set in I realize I was sad to not be with you and sad to be left out. I said yes, so I’m not blaming you, but going forward, I want to spend the holidays together/don’t want to be excluded from group trips/whatever other conclusion she came to.”
If she tells him he was selfish, or that he is somehow in the wrong for hurt feelings, I think that’s outta line. But, that’s my opinion, ymv.
I agree with MiMi. I’ve had past boyfriends who would have thought about this trip, gone on this trip, agonized about going on this trip or not going on this trip,, “asked” me whether or not they should or should not go; back when he was my boyfriend, and throughout our marriage, my husband has consistently shown he likes being with me, and most often prefers being with me no matter what we are doing…. And when LW’s boyfriend returns, perhaps he will have missed her as she is missing him.
I think this advice is great. Feel your feelings now, process it a bit more on your own to think about the parts of this that disappointed you, then sit down with your boyfriend and have a discussion. Talk about how you didn’t think it would be such a big deal to you, because on its face it made sense for him to go on a free vacation, but in the end, you ended up hurt and why. And discuss how the two of you might treat a similar decision in the future. Make sure it doesn’t come off as you blaming him for it, because really you’re not, you just miss him.
And honestly, in the long run, it’s better to have these conversations than bottle them up or just “deal” with your emotions because they’ll probably just come steamrolling back one day.
The more I think about this… I wouldn’t do this to someone I was in a serious relationship with: talk about taking a tropical trip with my friends and my S/O, decide against it because of work, and then jump on the opportunity to go last-minute and leave my S/O behind in the cold. Basically I would not do what Greg did, I’d regretfully pass, and then make sure next year we’d be able to go. It makes me wonder how serious their relationship really is. I could see this happening in a more casual relationship. There’s not enough detail here to say Greg is a jerk, but it kind of was a dick move IMO.
I wouldn’t, either. I can’t see putting my husband in that position, especially if it was all my fault we weren’t going together in the first place—and my husband passed on going himself in order to be with me during the holidays. It was a totally self-centered move on Greg’s part.
I agree on this. And I think she should definitely talk to him when he gets back
I asked my husband and he agrees, if they’re serious and have been dating like a year, that wasn’t cool, and he wouldn’t have done it either.
Yeah, he basically put her in a no-win situation. She had to either be the cool girlfriend or the bitch. And she wouldn’t have ended up happy either way. He should have turned it down and enjoyed the holidays together with her.
Yeah, this isn’t necessarily a deal breaker, but it might be an indication of how Greg views the relationship or a sign of his true character. It’s possible that he’s selfish guy who puts his own desires above his GF’s or the needs of their relationship. It’s also possible that he views their relationship as more disposable than LW does. It would probably be smart for the LW to take a good look at Greg’s behavior to see if this fits any patterns.
Same here! I mean the first thing I’d think of when deciding is “partner turned it down because of me, I don’t want them sitting here missing me it will make me guilty ” So Greg at first glance seems selfish to me. If he never does something like this again then he was just immature not selfish. Lw should Discuss it kindly and patiently. No rush, try to find out how empathetic he is.
I have gotten crazy deals on last minute flights. Crazy, crazy deals.
Yeah, I agree it’s possible he did get a last minute ticket. Maybe even for cheap.
PS — If the sexes were reversed I wonder how many would feel the same and think the bf was a controlling jerk for not wanting her to miss out on such a great opportunity. Somehow, I suspect, a rather sizable number of posters here would.
If the sexes were reversed, I’d simply think the woman was kind of a thoughtless jerk and the man should have communicated a little better.
PS — she should have gone on the trip way back when anyway. Seriously. She seemingly expects him to read her mind which is hard to figure out for even her apparently…
It does make me sad that she is more attached to spending time with him than vice versa. Maybe he has more friends or enjoys being with friends more.
But she did say she’d be sad. She ultimately said OK, but it’s not accurate to say that she said nothing of being sad or disappointed, because she did. I don’t think this is all on her. It’s important for people to say what they need, but it is also nice for a partner to use some perspective-taking and try to think of the other person’s feelings without being told to. I don’t know any serious couples who would make this decision. We’re acting like there is no possible way for him to know it would disappoint her, but I think he knew but wanted to put it on her because he knows that nobody wants to be the old shrew who keeps their boyfriend from a vacation. That’s why people ask for permission to do things. Because the odds are much higher the person will agree and then it’s on them. Any reasonable person knows that their partner would be pissed if you caused them to miss a vacation and then said you were bailing on NYE to go on that same vacation.
I don’t really get it. He couldn’t have asked about time off before? He made the decision based off a hunch as though asking was out of the question, but was cool with asking at the last minute?
Absolutely
I’m kind of suspicious about a lot of this. A person who travels yearly out of the country lets their passport expire. Suddenly time off work just happens. He can get on the flight, which from experience you cannot just transfer tickets.
But, ignoring that, LW, I agree with a comment above about what you do when you two aren’t together. Use the time to reconnect with friends, go see a movie, indulge in a hobby you’ve ignored for awhile.
I know, the last minute ticket is possible, but… And then it sounds like he hadn’t even asked for the time off work, which why wouldn’t he, in August? A lot of this is sounding weird to a number of people.
The passport thing – I can see that happening. You just don’t pay attention because it’s good for 10 years. The ticket thing – less likely, you can’t transfer tickets and getting a last minute ticket would be either really cheap or really pricey. Given the time of the year, I say pricey.
But I don’t have to play Columbo on this one… Wendy’s advice is solid.
Some of the responses on this are kind of shocking to me … if this happened during a time that did not fall on “new year’s eve” would people be having the same reactions? I mean, the boyfriend NEVER told his girlfriend not to go on the trip, just that he at that time, couldn’t swing it. When a free trip falls in your lap (or essentially free) it is a lot easier imo to justify taking the time off of work. Also for some people planning that far ahead is really tricky, I am much better at committing if something is like a few days or weeks out, vs months. It also says he decided he couldn’t go “because he couldn’t be sure to get the time off” implying it could be a really busy time of the year or maybe not and he didn’t want to fork out likely nonrefundable $$ for a trip in August that he may be too busy to go on in December, but when December rolled around and he wasn’t super busy things changed. What the LW did was nice and loving, but he never pressured her in to missing the trip, she did that of her own volition. It also sounds like it was the type of thing he maybe doesn’t appreciate, so good to know going forward for the LW. I honestly don’t think LW should bring this up to him again, except to maybe convey that in the future, she would like more time to think over things before needing to give an answer. I get being bummed, but I think that falls more on her than on him. If this were me and my boyfriend had turned down the trip I would have been like, thats sweet but wtf is wrong with you. Also it sounds like they didn’t really have a big plan for NYE so it isn’t like they had tickets or an event to go to he backed out on, which would change perhaps the way the convo would go.
The idea that he needed her permission to go on the trip, or whatever is kind of gross to me. I do agree with the fact LW should have owned her feelings at the time so at least he would know he was upsetting her when he made this choice vs having this big bucket of feels dumped on him when he gets back.
Also, maybe this is just me projecting, but I hate all inclusive resorts/trips and would never pay for one or take time off to go, even if all of my best friends were going and especially not in August, when its still hot out. However, if I all of a sudden just had to spring for airfare there I would probably go in a heartbeat, especially in the height of winter when all I want is a tropical escape.
ach, you did the right thing, then felt sad and lonely, and that sucks. Plan something really nice together really soon to swipe good memories out of this. I’d have said yes go, and then thought “really, no!” but you called it so that is how it went. You are a nice generous person and that was your initial response. Good on you. He does owe you though 🙂 Hope better times come out of this 🙂
LW and Greg discussed whether she would holiday without him.
She chose him.
They made plans to spend time together (its irrelevant that its New Year).
Given the opportunity to holiday without LW Greg chose to a. put her in a horrible no win position and b. chose his friends over her.
LW can do better. (I had this relationship I walked away with no regrets).
I think the boyfriend put her in a terrible position. If she told him she’d be sad if he went, she’d look selfish not only to him but to the entire friend group, who would all undoubtedly find out about this. Plus, why didn’t he pay the person back whose vacation it was? So what if it was already paid for. He went on the trip so he should pay his fair share. I think he used that as an extra excuse to go “but it’s freeee!” Ugh, to me this is not a good look on the boyfriend.
I hope there is a follow up to this story. I also hope she got friends together and/or went out.
Happy New Year 🎊