“My Boyfriend Lets People Think He’s My Husband… I Wish He Didn’t”
He thinks I should just pretend for that moment that we are married and leave it at that. It’s no conflict between us — he doesn’t mind what I do one way or the other. But I guess I kind of mind that he’s not correcting the impression that we’re married. Maybe I’m having a knee-jerk reaction to not wanting to feel pressured into a decision that to me is fraught with implications. I’m not even sure I’ll ever want to sign on the dotted line. There are too many financial repercussions. And he’s still only legally separated from his former wife. They’re in the throes of a drawn-out property settlement. We’re not living together yet–although that may happen soon. I am wearing on “that” finger a ring he gave me, but it’s not “the” ring.
Should I just pretend that we’re married when those moments arise? Is it more important to make the other person feel comfortable by not pointing out the mistake? Or is there something better I could say? Since I’m campaign manager for a local candidate, it’s mostly at the political events that this is an issue. I don’t want to weird people out unnecessarily, but I also don’t want to give an inaccurate impression. There’s precious little truth in politics already! Thanks for your help. — Not a Wife
When people refer to your boyfriend as your “husband” or to you as his “wife,” they aren’t so much making the assumption that you’re married as they are assuming that you’re a couple, and in that sense they’re correct. If you were, say, his daughter and someone referred to you as his wife while your boyfriend didn’t rush to correct him or her, that would be weird. But you’re not his daughter – you’re his girlfriend, and your boyfriend recognizes that, when people make the (incorrect, but understandable) assumption that you’re married, it’s really just a semantics choice and most of the time it isn’t loaded with any more meaning that what you might give it.
Of course, there are times when it might be more necessary to make sure someone has an accurate impression of your relationship status. Like, I don’t know, when you’re filling out a census report or when you’re filing your taxes or, possibly, when you’re both quoted in a newspaper article about 50-something couples who are either married, living together, or just dating. Other than that, I can’t see what difference it makes. To other people anyway. To you it matters, and that’s fine.
If other people assuming you are married to your boyfriend causes you some anxiety and makes you feel pressured, then address the underlying cause of that anxiety with your boyfriend. If the word “wife” and all its implications gives you pause or makes you feel claustrophobic, talk about that. Talk about what your expectations are in terms of your relationship and what you both want.
It sounds like there are some holes in your communication and you’re filling those spaces with a lot of assumptions of your own. Maybe your boyfriend has no desire to get married again either. Have you discussed it? Have you discussed whether moving in together is a step toward marriage, or is it just a step? What does your future together look like? What do YOU want it to look like?
I think once you have some clarity about these issues, you’re going to feel a lot less anxious when someone refers to you as your boyfriend’s wife. But if you aren’t, or if you feel like not correcting the assumption that you’re married makes you a liar, a simple, “Actually, we’re a couple, but we’re not married,” should suffice.
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Sorry, I can’t get past this – why are you wearing a ring he gave you on your ring finger???
Yeah…for someone who doesn’t want to be called his wife…she’s sending mixed signals.
I got a promise ring (gross) from my ex and I wore it on my left ring finger for years. I did eventually switch it to my right ring finger, but it lived on my left hand for a loooong time. I actually bought myself a ring to replace it when we broke up to remind myself to always put myself first — I love that ring a lot. If I got a non engagement ring from any boyfriend from here on out I would wear it on my right hand. Of course I don’t think in your late 20’s boyfriends think about “promise rings” haha.
Sorry to seem so dense but I don’t know the proper protocol for this. The engagement ring goes on the left hand and the wedding ring on the right? Or is there a different way to do it?
I never plan on getting married and I’m always paranoid any ring on a ring finger will seem like an engagement/wedding ring.
Traditionally the engagement and wedding ring go on the left hand 🙂
I think there are quite a few people that get confused by this, usually younger males in my experience but I’ve gotten it from others too since I wear rings on my right ring finger. I was recently talking to a friend from Brazil who told me it was customary for both partners to wear a wedding band on their right ring finger during engagement and move it to the left during the ceremony, kinda like the tassel on a graduation cap.
Your complicated situation of being with someone who is not yet divorced (no matter what the reason), wearing a ring that looks rather like an engagement ring, possibly moving in with him soon, and not even being sure you’d want to sign on the dotted line with him – which you couldn’t do anyway because, oh yeah, he’s married – makes your quibbling over a totally understandable assumption by strangers at a party the least of your concerns, don’t you think? Don’t move in with him right now; you’re obviously conflicted.
But to add another fillip of interest to your situation, you are a campaign manager for a public figure and the strangers who make assumptions about you are potential donors and voters for your candidate! How delighted they and your boss would be if your relationship with a married man were to become an interesting topic of conversation. Stop bringing your married boyfriend to work parties where you are representing a candidate.
Don’t you think there’s a big difference between married and legally separated?
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LW, just correct them if you want to. This doesn’t seem like a big deal to me. People mistake my boyfriend for my husband or my daughter’s father all the time. Sometimes I correct them, sometimes I don’t. I doubt people care either way.
There’s definitely a difference between dating someone who is legally separated but who does not yet have a fully finalized divorce (although that process is underway) and dating a married man. Depending on where you live and the people and property involved, sometimes getting divorced can take years. People move on before it’s over.
But, really, LW, I would be less concerned about what other people think about your relationship status and more concerned with my own reservations. That’s the real issue here, not what label someone attributes to the man you’re with.
I think people mistake you two for married because of your age. “Boyfriend/girlfriend” seem too casual of words to assign to a serious couple. You could use “gentleman-friend” and “lady-friend” but that seems like a mouthful. I’ve taken to using the term “partner” in formal conversation to mean “serious relationship but not officially married”. I then say something with a gendered pronoun (i.e. “He and I have been together about 4 years,”) to let the person I’m talking to know his gender. I find if I don’t do that then people assume I’m gay.
YES! Correcting someone by saying “no, he’s my boyfriend,” just seems weird and slightly immature. Even at 34, I don’t know that I would do that. I like partner. Or Wendy’s phrasing.
Bassanio used to use “partner” more in a professional setting, but they almost invariably assumed he was gay. Doesn’t help my real name could be male (although far more often female), so pronouns would be important.
I do the opposite. I like “boyfriend”. I don’t like “partner” at all. It’s too generic for me.
Yeah I’m with Wendy that it sounds like it’s more than just people calling you husband/wife when you’re not. If you can’t talk to him about that, you’re probably not ready to move in with him.
It doesn’t seem like it really bothers the LW that people mistake them for a married couple. She said that she just corrects people who do and it’s no big deal. What seems to be the problem is that the LW’s boyfriend doesn’t correct people when they assume they they’re married and she would like him to.
I agree with everybody who says it’s not a big deal, but at the same time if there’s one person you should be able to make the occasional irrational request of even when things aren’t a big deal it should be your partner. So I say just have a conversation with him where you lay out why it bothers you, acknowledge that he’s not doing anything wrong by not correcting people and that you’re not saying that he is, but ask him if he will please do so in future because it would make you feel better. I don’t think you should make a big deal about it if he says he doesn’t want to correct people, but if it would make you feel better I don’t see why you shouldn’t ask him.
Also, the ring is quite likely the cause of at least some of the confusion. Why don’t you put it on the other hand for a while and see if that reduces the number of assumptions?
I think people are mistaking the label because of the fricken ring (seriously, I feel like that’s a giant billboard pointing to the source of your problem.) Stick it on your right hand and watch the issue happen a lot less frequently.
By all means — you should be VERY annoyed, LW. And I ‘d train your boyfriend to immediately blurt out: “My wife? God no! That’s just some rebound chick I’m banging!”
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There. Your non-existent problem? Solved! And you’ll be the talk of political events and churches everywhere you go… Win/Win!
I think it would be weird if the boyfriend was letting friends/family believe they’re married when they’re not. But if he’s not going out of his way to correct all the other randoms he encountesr – grocery store clerk, flight attendant, whatever – that’s no big deal. In fact I think it would be weird if he did go out of his way to correct those people. You’re never going to see them again and they don’t actually care – they just assumed and probably felt more comfortable saying “sir, you and your wife can board now” (or whatever) than “sir, you and that woman you’re obviously in a romantic relationship with but there is absolutely no way for me to know one way or another if you’re married or not so really don’t read anything into my assumption either way or not”. … Phew, see how exhausting that was?
Haven’t read through all of the comments, so sorry if someone already brought this up, but, i had to say something. Off subject , sort of. You know the “phrases people need to stop saying” forums..LW states that they have been together for 16 months <————— soooooooooo irritating. Don't know why this irks me, it just does, same as mothers and their children, my son is 23 months old,, ugh, look you two have been together a little over a year, and the son is almost two. for the love of god….
I wouldn’t worry about “saying the truth” here, since most people are probably aware that they might sometimes call someone someone’s “wife” or “husband” when it’s not accurate. It’s mostly just to be polite and on the safe side. Just say “my partner” when you mention him, I think that will get the point across – and move that ring to another finger. Don’t force your partner to correct others, that just seems a bit over the top when likely most people see this as a non-issue.
I never get why people get so offended or take it personally when others mis-characterize their relationship. Assume they’re married, or assume they’re not. It’s usually just a matter of odds- at a certain age a LOT of couples are more likely to be married than dating, if they’re assuming that about you it’s likely not even about you personally at all. Respond how you want, let your bf respond how he feels comfortable. Not everyone feels like getting into a confrontation all the time, especially if it’s not someone you’ll see again, and over something so minimal.