“My Boyfriend Lied to His Son About Me”
The other day I texted him and mentioned I was going to a restaurant with a girlfriend. He texted back that he would like to join us and bring his son along. Well, I met the little guy along with my girlfriend in a relaxed state of mind, no stress, under the guise of friendship.
A couple of days later I got some tickets to a local football game for Frank and his son. He said he would swing by my house to pick them up. I told him I had a mutual friend over and to pop by and visit during the ticket pick-up, but he mentioned he had his son with him. Well, we waited for them on the steps outside the house for the ticket hand-off and it was brief and uneventful. The son stayed in the car and we did a quick ticket hand-off from the steps.
The next day, my boyfriend told me he had told his son that our mutual friend was in fact my boyfriend. He said he did this to cover up any “tales” his son might say to his ex-wife. Initially, I was taken aback and confused. I didn’t understand why he didn’t tell his son we were all just friends and why he fabricated a lie. To make matters worse, our friend is actually married to a wonderful woman, not to me.
I texted him that I was uncomfortable with being lied about and certainly other arrangements could have been made for the ticket hand-off. At 46 years old, I don’t want to be anyone’s secret or lie. I have yet to hear back from my 47-year-old boyfriend with the exception of, “Wow, OK.”
Was I so off-the-mark? Am I missing something? I’m old enough to acknowledge if I was off-base and would appreciate some unbiased feedback. — No One’s Secret
No, you weren’t off-base, but this may be a case of moving more quickly than Frank is ready to move. That doesn’t excuse his lying, and you have every right to call him on it and express your discomfort.
What I would do now if I were you is slow things down and take your time getting to know each other and letting the embers of your respective marriages die down completely before jumping into something serious with each other. Discuss with Frank how much you want your kids — and your ex-spouses — to know about each of you, and how you’ll handle introductions in the future, especially unplanned introductions.
Since you’re still new to single motherhood and Frank may not be the last boyfriend you have before your kids leave your home, this is a topic worth considering no matter whom you might be dating. At what point would you feel comfortable introducing a new partner to your kids? Assuming whatever they know about your dating life may get back to your ex-husband, how much do you want them — and him — to know? And what precautions do you need to take to protect your privacy?
Regarding Frank. if you two have staying power, there will be plenty of time for him to prove what you mean to him. If he continues to blow these opportunities, you’ll have a bigger problem.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
spot on advice as always. I think the texting part is especially universal
I text as on an as-needed basis. Aside from the fact it’s 10 cents a pop, it also isn’t good for maintaining clarity in communications.
I agree with Wendy this is a huge life adjustment for Frank and for his son. He didn’t want to have to explain all of this to his son or his ex-wife. While I think he should’ve said he’d talk to him later about this- he did what he what he thought was best in the moment.
“In the big scheme of things the white lie he told his son doesn’t really affect your relationship that much. I get that it may feel like a sign of disrespect to you, but if you two have staying power, there will be plenty of time for him to prove what you mean to him.”
It’s not a white lie. It’s a lie. To me, the definition of a white lie is concealing the truth so it doesn’t hurt any one. This “white” lie hurt the letter writer so much that she felt a need to write into Wendy. And “Frank” will probably, at a later date, have to explain to his son that is woman (the letter writer) is not who the son thought she was. The son will question his father about why he lied. Furthermore, Frank is putting his son in a position where he has to conceal the truth from his mother, which is a whole separate blog post about loyalty conflicts for children of divorce.
I think the bottom line is that Frank is not ready for a relationship so soon after his divorce, and he shouldn’t have introduced his son to the letter writer at all. But a white lie this was not.
Dating again after a long term marriage that produced children requires a lot of adjustment. I speak from experience here. I agree with everything Wendy said. He probably panicked for some reason and texting about something that obviously concerned the LW so much was not the way to communicate. I’m not saying to give him a free pass, a conversation definitely needs to happen but I don’t think this is a dealbreaker at this point. I also have to comment that the LW has only been divorced for 7 months herself and even though her children are older they still deserve the same consideration as far as being introduced to a SO and their subsequent feelings as younger children.
That’s a pretty skeezy lie– I mean, I get why Frank would want his son to believe you’re all just friends, but extending that into “…she’s actually dating, uh, Tom!” was unnecessary. Especially if “Tom” (the mutual friend) is actually MARRIED. And Frank’s “Wow, ok” response when you called him on it seems to be an indication of immaturity. It’s understandable that he wouldn’t be ready for a relationship, but that’s where I stop understanding this guy’s actions.
WWS all the way!
i do wonder though if his divorce has actually been finalized yet. maybe the 4 months is only from when the decided to go through with it, or when they physically seperated… because if that is the case, and they are still going through court stuff, he definitely doesnt want the kid to tell the mom that there is another woman… that can screw him over in court. maybe thats what it was.
I also find the lie something that should not be glossed over – because it speaks so clearly to this man’s confused and struggling state. He’s clearly not confident in this new, changed relationship with his child, anxious to reassure the little boy at the LW’s cost and therefore not totally onboard with the LW yet. He’s a bit of a mess really. And I think “Wow, OK” and no further communication tells you even more, LW. Go live your life and forget about his potential – he’s not ready to deliver anything solid right now.
I’ve always heard that you’re not supposed to start dating until at least a year has passed since a divorce. Frank’s divorce has only been for four months! Obviously everyone is different but I think Frank has proven that he’s not ready for a relationship with his actions.
This guy is not ready to be dating again. I don’t think much good can come of a relationship with one person who isn’t ready to be in it. Dump him so he can work through his shit and look for someone more emotionally available.
If I was dating someone with an 8 year old and they said that another woman and I that he (the child) barely knows were “dating” to potentially save themselves a nasty situation with their freshly divorced husband I do not think I would care. I would also probably not date someone 4 months out of a divorce because I wouldn’t trust their feelings / moving on…
Regardless, Wendy’s advice is good – you guys need to talk about this stuff so you both are comfortable with how it is handled in the future.
I don’t know. I get not wanting to tell the son exactly who the lw is. But now the little boy has met her and thinks she’s married to someone else. So if they do get serious and go to meet each other’s kids as bf/gf, what’s Frank going to tell the kid? Will he make up another lie about her and the friend she’s supposedly married to getting a divorce? Will he admit to his child that he lied when they met the first time? Or is he hoping his son won’t remember exactly what she looks like and he can pretend she’s someone entirely new.
There really doesn’t seem to be a good way out of this and that would bug me a lot if I were the lw.
I totally feel this one. I was a bit of a ‘secret’ for closer to a year. my now husband only said one thing once to his older son that i was a bit hurt by. one of my shirts ended up left at his house, and his son saw it. now, the kid didnt ask, but dad said ‘oh that must be yours!’ (i was a lot smaller then heh). i just told him i’d rather he just not say anything vs lie, but i did understand at the time. that might be something to discuss. if you’re referred to as a friend, really there’s nothing wrong with that.
it’s a big responsibility to be in a relationship with someone who has a child from a previous relationship. Make sure you and your bf have the communication lines completely open about everything.
This guy was dumb for lying to his son about the LW being married to someone else because kids aren’t stupid and sooner or later he’s going to figure out that the LW and his father are dating (unless they break up), and he’s damaged his kid’s trust in him, which is a parenting fail, particularly in such an emotionally uncertain situation for his kid. (I speak from experience here. My father did much the same thing to me after my parents got a divorce, albeit on a much grander scale – I didn’t find out that I had a stepmother and half-sister until my dad’s mom let it slip one day that she had “3” grandchildren, not 2. I was 9.)
That said, he obviously doesn’t want to get involved with any drama with his ex, probably wants to keep his kid out of it, too, and telling his kid the LW is married to someone else will effectively shut down any questions his ex may be asking the kid about “who are daddy’s friends?” or, more innocently “what did you and your dad do today” and such, which, sad as it is, happens more likely than any of us like to admit, even between parents who don’t intend to get their kids in the middle of their business. And, he doesn’t want to get into any drama because he’s been dating the LW for at least no more than 4 months and he’s not really all that committed to it right now – “taking it slow” and all.
So, I’d advise the LW to let it go for now, but also to not spend any more time with his kid until she and this guy are more established and are comfortable enough with their relationship and their relationships with their exes so that lies about what they’re doing, who they’re doing it with and the marital status of their “friends” are not necessary.
I don’t know. Like Wendy said, 4 months divorced is not a long time. And divorce is complicated and emotional. The LW didn’t say if his divorce was messy. It’s very possible that the BF is still walking the tight rope of settling this with his ex getting things smoothed over, especially custody. Maybe he panicked and feared that if the boy went back and told Mom that he stopped by Dad’s GF’s house or a female friend of Dad’s that the Ex might have started fuming and possibly attempted to screw with the custody agreement or other agreements out of anger. Not only specifying that LW was a friend but married had nothing to do with protecting the son and everything to do with the Ex. We all know a married female friend is far less threatening than a single female friend.
First of all, he did not say the LW was married to the friend. He said they were dating. The friend is married to someone else. Which makes this a really shitty, stupid lie. If he wanted to ease things over with the son and not upset the ex-wife, this dude should have come up with a better explanation. We’re all friends should have sufficed and nothing else needed to be said.
In the grand scheme of things, I don’t think this lie was that big of a deal, however stupid it was. This guy, and you, LW, are newly divorced. I imagine it takes time to figure things out and react appropriately. I would put this in the category of a mistake, but talk it out and work through it.
Which brings me to my next point. You are both in your mid to late 40’s. You should know how to comminicate with people by now. So, do it. Both of you share your concerns. Your feelings. Whatever. No relationship will be healthy unless you communicate regularly.
I don’t know. I wouldn’t be okay with that kind of lie. However, I do agree it seems to be too soon after the divorce to consider serously dating. I would take a break.
I don’t understand why introducing the LW as a “friend” is a totally acceptable lie while introducing the other guy as her boyfriend is a totally unacceptable lie. If it’s lying you’re not ok with, why is one ok and not the other? If you’re in a position where the only comfortable way to introduce you is through a lie about being a friend, maybe you need to wait on the introductions altogether? You’re both so fresh out of divorces anyway, what’s the rush to become enmeshed in the family dynamic? If you guys have real staying power past being rebounds, then you can make the introduction at a later time when neither of you need lies to make it a comfortable situation.
I would be annoyed at the fact that Frank’s lie could have ruined their married mutual friend’s marriage. He could have said they were all friends. Stupid move on Frank’s part.