“My Boyfriend Made Me Pay for My Own Birthday Cupcake”
A few days later was my awful boards, then my birthday. We did some very low-key stuff during the day, but…I was really disappointed he didn’t plan anything fun or even take me to dinner. He bought me some drinks and we split a meal from a food truck. At some point, I said I wanted a birthday cupcake…to which he said “I think this one is your turn” when it was time to pay. In some ways, I think the lack of plans that day was probably my fault for not voicing my expectations, as maybe he thought I wanted to just relax after my big exam, but the cupcake thing and no dinner really pissed me off.
What’s really bothering me now is that he did not give me any gift. A few days later, for his birthday, despite not having much time to plan (as I had been cramming for that awful test), I still managed to buy him some very fancy foods, cooked a nice meal with all sorts of desserts and a salad. I was going to get him a nice little gift, too, but I had warned him it’d probably have to wait since I had been so hyper-focused on my boards until just a few days before.
I’m starting to feel kind of used in all this. We split the cost of nearly everything (which I’m okay enough with since he’s in school and all that), but we rarely go on dates (partly because we are both tired at the end of the week) or do anything aside from just hanging out. He stays at my place nearly all the time (which I prefer), though there doesn’t seem to be much romance in his gestures. Sex is good, hanging out is fun, but there aren’t any surprises, flowers, or a friggin’ birthday gift. I’ve tried to let him know my thoughts on this, but I feel like it’s getting tough because I’m starting to be somewhat resentful while also feeling like I’m being irrational and selfish. — Peeved Birthday Girl
He told you to pay for your own birthday cupcake? That’s tacky and thoughtless AF and, I’m sorry, maybe he was really sweet to you when you were studying for your exams and he cooked you dinner and whatever, but when a boyfriend tells his girlfriend that it’s “her turn” to pay when she requests a single cupcake on her birthday — an occasion he didn’t even get a gift or card for, that’s a big red flag. It speaks to his character. And what it says is he’s kind of a thoughtless imbecile.
Now, can a thoughtless imbecile become a thoughtful gentleman? Sometimes. But a person has to WANT to meet his or her partner’s needs. And the only way to find out whether your boyfriend wants to meet your needs is to ask for him to and see what happens. Tell your boyfriend you’re disappointed he didn’t put more thought into your birthday. Tell him that on special days it makes you feel special when your special someone does something special for you. It doesn’t have to be expensive — a hand-written card with a sweet message, a home-baked brunch or dinner or cake, and maybe a small, thoughtful gift, like a book or a scarf or even just some perfume he noticed you were running out of would all do the trick. Hopefully, that’s all he needs to hear from you and he’ll do better next time. But… yeah, the whole making-you-pay-for-your-own–damn-cupcake-on-your-birthday just doesn’t bode well for him in my book. I would be turned off by that and would consider that a big red flag. One more red flags and you should MOA, I say (though I don’t think anyone would blame you if you moved on after just the first one).
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I agreed with Wendy before she even posted her response! Wahoo! I’m doing an embarrassing amount of happy fist pumping in my cube at work. Here’s what I wrote in the forum:
I don’t think you’re being irrational or selfish – what you want from him is totally reasonable. I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that he just has a different dating style than you, but I’m really leaning toward thinking he’s cheap. The fact that he said he didn’t know it’s “a thing” to get women flowers is pretty unbelievable. And why did he get you a flower on Valentine’s Day if he didn’t know that flowers are the norm? A single flower is sweet but that seems like a weird lie to cover up for not buying a bouquet. I’m fine with taking turns paying for dates (my fiancé and I do this), but it’s weird that he didn’t buy you a birthday cupcake. I’d buy a complete stranger a cupcake if we were in line at a food truck together and I found out it was their birthday. This makes me think that he’s more concerned about things being exactly 50-50 with you than he is having fun with you and assuming costs will even out in the grand scheme of things. If you think this is a relationship that could be long-term and/or serious, I’d talk to him about it and see if you can work it out together. Otherwise I’d find a guy who’s better able to make you feel appreciated regardless of his paycheck.
I can just never get behind the 50-50 mentality because I feel like it could end up as a lot of nickel and diming. And time spent doing math. And I don’t want to do math unless I have to.
WWS–you do need to up the communication, but he could also be cheap. And here’s my grad-school perspective. I’m not sure if others had this same experience, but I feel like grad school can delay some of the social progression of adulthood. *Some* people are in relationships that more resemble college couples than working professional couples. They watch movies together, just hang out, get take out rather than going on dates and requiring the other person to actually put in some effort. There’s a good amount of hooking up. Depending on your program, your social circle can make your dating pool small. So you let some of the lackadaisical behavior slide. But you’re 28. You deserve to have a man take you out on proper dates and plan something for your birthday (albeit a small something) and buy you a cupcake. So I don’t know, this guy just doesn’t sound like a winner.
i like this theory- i mean when i was in college i never expected actual gifts from my boyfriend, or anyone really. maybe a bottle of booze, but that was it. it wasnt an indicator of anything if people didnt buy you gifts, boyfriend or not. i think that should be taken into consideration.
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i actually do remember doing christmas gifts one year in college, but that was like a big, planned thing. like we planned in advance for it, and they were still like just little cute gifts, like a movie or a small bottle of your favorite drink. physical gifts arent a thing in that period of your life, i dont think.
LW: Two things: 1.) If you aren’t willing to ask for something, then you don’t really want it. With things that disappoint me, I say it right away. Like, “So you want me to buy my own birthday cupcake?” And let that question sit there. If I get an answer I don’t like, I say, “So I am not worth $3 on my birthday?” Seriously, I don’t raise my voice, I just ask a question deadpan and I am very rarely disappointed.
2.) For my early dating life, I dated a bunch of “starving artists”. Maybe I wouldn’t get jewelry but I have boxes of poems and love letters. I had coupons for back massages and one guy made a card with cartoon versions of us on the front. My point is that you should set the bar higher. Don’t brood just make him prove that he is worthy.
There are men who don’t do gifts. They’re just not wired that way. Like my husband. And who cares? He’s a great husband. I could force him and make him miserable but why? However, not buying you a cupcake suggests a stinginess that actually may be a reflection of his character. And that is an issue.You need to explore that.
It sort of rubs me the wrong way that “What’s really bothering me now is that he did not give me any gift.” IDk, gifts are cool and all…but his general lack of celebrating your birthday should be a bigger deal than getting some object.
AND, why in the world would you put so much effort into his birthday when he didn’t for yours? Especially with out talking about expectations. This all seems so high school to me.
I really like Wendy’s response. My original response in the forums was related to communication but the cupcake incident definitely turned me off too.
WWS. Seriously, he made you buy your own cupcake on your birthday?!?
I can understand the whole no-gift thing. Birthdays weren’t a big deal for my husband growing up, and they’re still not a big thing for him. I’ve mentioned before that for my first birthday with him he got me a mug. And my 2nd, he got me a t shirt. For s sports team. In the off season (aka massive clearance, and I don’t even LIKE sports!!!). Over the years we’ve figured out a middle area that works really well for us, in terms of gifts. BUT– He would NEVER make me buy my own birthday cupcake. After 6 months of dating the guy should have bought you a fucking cupcake.
This dude is a total tightwad and not in a good way. Its completely understandable that maybe a nice dinner or expensive gift was out of his budget, but come on, get creative! You said you split a meal at a food truck – he could’ve planned a day in your local area, or even an evening, walking around, checking out a few food trucks, and treating you (without being prompted) to a dessert for your birthday. Not expensive and thoughtful.
I’m not big on Valentine’s Day but I think birthdays are really important and its not always about gifts but the thought that goes into the celebration. This to me is just an example of your future together …
I agree with Wendy: the fact that your boyfriend wouldn’t buy you a cupcake on your birthday is a red flag. $3-$5 is not going to break a graduate student– I’ve been there. Reading between the lines (which, admittedly, may be inaccurate), I see some other red flags. (1) He didn’t know that boyfriends buying their girlfriends flowers on Valentine’s Day is “a thing”? Does he never go to internet sites with ads? Never watch TV? Never drive down a main street in February? Sounds like an untruth to me. (2) He stays at your place nearly all the time. On the surface, this is nice. You don’t have to travel to see him. But this could be another way for him to be cheap. He can turn his heat down low while he’s gone. His electric bill is lower when he uses your outlets instead of his own. He can use your cable/netflix/hulu/whatever instead of having a subscription himself. (This might sound crazy, but I’ve heard a cheap person talk like this.) You have the right to be peeved. And a truthful conversation about expectations might not fix this if he’s not willing to change (parroting Wendy in this last bit).
Yeah, I get the same reaction that the guy can’t even buy a birthday cupcake when you ask. You asked him to buy one and he refused. Who does that? I think it’s a combination of not setting expectations, being cheap, and also him not caring enough/in the same way. But cheap doesn’t equal carelessness. You don’t get a pass for bad behavior for being cheap. My husband and I are both cheap, and he was broke when we met, but he’s never had a problem spending a little bit for me/us. Although we’ve had our differences too when he didn’t get me anything for my birthday the first time. But I didn’t ask for anything either so that’s my fault. I remember in the forums the LW updated and says he spends a lot of money on himself and expensive clothes. I think that’s another red flag if he then can’t buy a cupcake or simply doesn’t want to. And yes, everyone feels differently about gifts or what to do for birthdays and special days. And communicating what you want is important. But I don’t understand this. I think the wording of it being “her turn” makes it even worse. Maybe he is really unaware of these things for whatever reason, but at 28 he should know better. I think having a talk about everything will let you know how you feel about each other and about moving forward.
This guy is either really broke or really cheap, but if he is generally very attentive to the LW’s needs in other ways, I don’t think the problem is that he doesn’t care enough about her. I do remember people being really, really broke in grad school, especially the ones who had no help from their parents and tried to do über minimal loans. So, he really might not have been able to afford a whole bouquet of flowers on Valentines Day (because maybe he didn’t think to get them anywhere other than a flower shop where the markup would be ridiculous) or to pay for a nice dinner and a gift on your birthday and he may be too embarrassed to say so (hence “not knowing” flowers are a thing, which of course he knew that). And yeah, it’s a $5 dollar cupcake, but if you’re living on the margins, then maybe it was a choice between spending that $5 on the cupcake or his utility bill, especially since the LW says he bought her drinks and they split a food truck meal, so maybe he spent $20 or so bucks and that was his limit. It happens. In any event, it’s not like he ignored the LW’s birthday or Valentines Day altogether, so if I were her, I’d give him come leeway on that and just talk to him. If he’s really that broke, then she needs to know. And if he’s not broke and he’s just an incredible tightwad, then she needs to know that too, because that will never change.
I guess I’ll be the dissenting voice on this one. It may very well be that the boyfriend is cheap (which I would personally not like either). What gets me though is that everyone’s just assuming that you can hold a partner to certain social conventions without even talking about it explicitly. Like planning something for a birthday – I just don’t think that’s a given. It’s something that you can come to expect in a longterm relationship, especially if there’s a history of planning stuff for each other on special days, and if the couple agrees on the special days. (Like the mother’s day example – I would honestly be super surprised to get anything from my partner for that if I was a mother.) Same with paying for stuff – it sounds to me like he was taking her out for drinks on her birthday and didn’t expect he had to do anymore. Not paying for the cupcake was certainly tone-deaf, but maybe he understood what she said in a more joke-y way and didn’t get that she was expecting him to pay for it. All in all, personally I think getting birthday surprises and gifts from your bf is not something you can expect without discussion. You have to set up a routine in your relationship for those things and THEN you expect it.
Hey all- this is my letter. Thanks for all your responses thus far. Not trying to justify, as obviously I think the cupcake thing is absurd, but he had bought me a nice cocktail that morning and post cupcake incident, a few more. A few weeks ago, after both vday and my bday, he got me done inexpensive (fine by me!!) flowers. So it’s perhaps not AS bad as I made it out to be, but not the best still. And yes, I think is his first real sort of grown up relationship for whatever that’s worth. Clearly something with communication and money has to give though…like yesterday, I ponied up and paid for food even though my food was $4 and his was double that. I don’t mind paying more at times but it feels like if we are doing 50/50ish it shouldn’t be more in his favor. Thanks again all!
Um, if he didn’t know flowers were a thing…why did he get you one? Also, that is the biggest lie I’ve ever heard unless he’s from someplace outside the US. EVERYONE knows about Valentine’s Day and flowers. I think he’s just playing stupid. The least considerate, least thoughtful, too-good-for-mainstream guy I’ve ever dated STILL asked me if I wanted flowers for Valentine’s Day. If he’s less thoughtful than that guy, dude. Fucking RUN.
And yeah, making you buy your own cupcake? I mean, if he’d said, “I’m so sorry, I’m lower on funds than I thought I would be this week. I can’t foot the bill,” then…okay. I still think that’s probably terrible planning, but…he didn’t say that. I read it like, “I’ve spent enough on you. It’s time you paid for your own stuff.” And ugh, NO.
Hopefully he’s a really lovely guy in other ways and makes you feel cared for and wanted, but he doesn’t sound like it. He sounds like he’s going to make you feel stupid for feeling neglected, and like you’re high-maintenance for expecting anything beyond the bare minimum. I can foresee him playing stupid about a whole host of things so that you’ll always feel like it’s your fault because you didn’t specifically ask for a Christmas present, or he never knew it was a thing to spend holidays together, or, “Oh, hey, do you really not sleep with other people when you’re in a relationship? Weird.” That’s an exaggeration, but having been with a guy who treated me like some diva for wanting him to act like I was more than a fuck buddy (we were definitely in a relationship), it’s amazing the number of things you can get used to not expecting out of another person.
I’d sure LOVE to know what SHE did for HIS birthday… (She rather curiously said NOTHING about what she got him on Valentine’s Day…) You know? If you want plans for you birthday — fucking make some! A radical thought — I know. NEWSFLASH: Not EVERYBODY likes birthdays. Honestly? Post 21 they all are just depressing reminders of how quickly you are aging and how precious little you’ve truly accomplished…
I’m going to get flack for this as I think I’m the only reader who disagreed with said advice.
The term “red flag” should be reserved for something significantly detrimental to a relationship, and/or a sign that big troubles are possible or even imminent. Things like lying and cheating and controlling behavior. Not because he didn’t buy her a damn cupcake.
He sounds very attentive in every other way. Some dudes are just clueless. Or cheap. Or birthdays, holidays, etc just don’t mean much to them — meaning their families never made a big deal on “special” days.
Not communicating well after 6 months of dating is not a red flag.
When I read the original letter, I could see people going the “you need to communicate what you want / love languages” route that we generally see here when someone isn’t happy with how their S/O handled a holiday or birthday. Which, to Wendy’s point, isn’t wrong, but it doesn’t address the fact that something is majorly “off” about the way the S/O handled the birthday or holiday in the first place, and that they may really just not care enough to do it the way their girlfriend wants it. It IS a red flag, not just an “it’s on you if you didn’t let him know what you wanted’ thing.
This is just SO obviously socially unacceptable, that it does seem to send a strong signal that the guy just doesn’t care. Splitting a meal from a food truck on your girlfriend’s birthday and asking her to pay for her own cupcake is just – OFF. So yeah, she should communicate her disappointment as recommended, but the prognosis isn’t good if he just can’t be bothered AND is a jerk. He was making a statement there with the cupcake and the entire birthday, not just being clueless.
And the comment about not knowing flowers were “a thing” reads to me as a passive-aggressive nasty tactic to shift the blame onto her for her perfectly reasonable desire for a bouquet of flowers, and away from the fact that he did the absolute bare minimum that he could do to recognize the holiday. Obviously, she’s just being ridiculous, because guys buying their girlfriends bouquets of flowers isn’t any kind of a thing that actually exists.
The other red flag for me is that they never go out and do anything. I don’t see much potential here.
Oops. Edit. I missed her plans for him — which frankly sound rather even steven as he bought her drinks before dinnee which nobody remembers. It amuses me to no end that so many are all about equality — but still expect ALL the sexist materialistic gifts (FLOWERS! Such a dull cliche’… ) and resent ever picking up even the fucking tiniest check.
Eh, I’m going to be another dissenting voice. If people have expectations for their birthday, they need to voice them. Also, I don’t know about other people, but when someone presents the option to pay for something that’s already decided upon/bought and re-brand it as a gift? Kinda feels like it’s not a gift anymore. No idea if this is what was going on in his mind of course (as much as he can’t read her mind, I can’t read his), but there’s something to be said about gifts that one doesn’t have to be asked for. Also, people need to communicate better! You won’t be branded as the needy girlfriend for giving some ideas ahead of time, as long as you don’t hold him to doing every single thing on the list plus something to surprise you.
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And it’s not like he didn’t get her anything (paid for some drinks) or do anything fun with her on her birthday (apparently at six months in he should have pulled out all the stops, not just do “very low-key stuff”). Seems to me that she’s concerned with this $3 cupcake only because the rest of the day didn’t live up to her expectations, so no, I don’t think it’s a red flag.
Let’s recap:
Dating 6 months.
Good sex.
Plenty of hanging out.
You acknowledge you’re both broke college students.
He got you a flower for V Day (I think sweet, but apparently you wanted 11 more).
He took care of you during boards by cooking your meals, etc.
He took you out for birthday drinks (sweet, but apparently dinner should’ve been included).
You spent the day celebrating together even though you’re both super busy.
So all of that, but because he didn’t buy a cupcake, he sucks. Oh, and he still owes you a “real” gift, a month later.
I think it is weird you are expecting a gift a month later and just building up resentment that he hasn’t given you anything. The time to address the lack of gift was on your birthday, or shortly thereafter. I think that communication is actually the key here, why didn’t you just say it was important to you to be treated a little on your birthday. If you really like him, and I agree with LBH he sounds like a pretty good boyfriend, especially after only 6 months, then address this with him sooner than later. I think people have covered the cupcake thing from every angle so IDK what to really tell you on that. It could be construed as a clueless, kind of thoughtless response, or maybe he is just cheap as all get out and really didn’t get your message. Either way if you like this guy enough and he is a good boyfriend overall then *talk* to him about what is bothering you. Wendy is right in that if he wants to be with you in a relationship and cares enough to get you a gift or make a bigger deal of your next special occasion, it will tell you all you need to know.
Can I share a huge pet peeve of mine? I’m not at all saying this LW has done it but this has reminded me of it: I hate it when a friend is all quiet and coy about her upcoming birthday. Like when you say, “hey, your birthday is coming up in two weeks; let’s do something special! Want a big group dinner with all your friends? I can organize it if you say yes. Or would you prefer to do something one on one? Want to do something fun and outside the box this year, like go strawberry picking or whatever?” And then they go radio silent on you. And then they hem and haw like their upcoming birthday is being ignored. Annoying! Now, I think it’s a little different when it comes to significant others – I can see why you’d hope that a significant other do something special that’s a surprise. But God it annoys me to no end when friends get mopey about their birthday when you’ve JUST tried to take the bull by the horns so to speak. It’s like they feel they should not be involved in the planning at all, yet they expect you to do something special, yet you don’t know who all should be invited and a good date, yet the friend is “oy all embarrassed about being assertive” yet the friend is not embarrassed about being all “woe is me” when there’s no big group party. …. Gawd already. (I may be projecting and thinking about my one dramatic friend who I am not even good friends with anymore.)
Eh, it’s only been 6 months (or 4 or 5 months at the time) and the guy DID THINGS FOR HER on her birthday and V-Day. Which happened to be very close together and could have played a factor. He’s not a gift-giver. He sounds a bit tone-deaf at worst (the cupcake comment, the lack of physical gift). Is he an engineer, perhaps?
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If he ignored the holidays completely, then yes, red flag. This is getting so blown out of proportion. Some people are not natural planners/gift-givers and some people are and it often has very little to do with selfish/thoughtlessness.
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Ask him what he meant by the cupcake comment and maybe that will open up a conversation about expectations. I would just really cut the guy some slack until you have reason to believe otherwise.
All morning I’ve been asking why I care so much about this and honestly, I think it’s just because I love cupcakes so much. I LOVE CUPCAKES! And situations involving sugar bring out a less reasonable side of me because I just want everyone to have a cupcake.
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Also, wasn’t there another DW letter involving a cupcake that started a whole lot of drama? Maybe about a photo of a cupcake on Facebook? I can’t find the letter but I’m pretty sure it exists. I may or may not go out for a cupcake at lunch now.
I gotta agree with Wendy on this one… dude seems like he might be beyond help in this department. (I guess it doesn’t hurt to try, but you might never turn this frog into a prince.)
I totally agree that nice thoughtful guys can drop the ball like Wendy’s story with Mother’s Day, but there’s a major difference between not planning something fabulous and making you buy your own birthday cupcake. One says “bad at planning” the other says “bad at life.”
Also, what guy doesn’t know that buying flowers for girls is somethings guys do? Has he never watched television?
Maybe he refused the cupcake purchase because he was annoyed you complained about the flower and was testing you! Ooohhhhh.
In my experience, bean-counting in a relationship does not bode well. And it can be about anything – money, who does more housework or changes more diapers, etc. It just builds resentment to the point of an implosion. I’ve seen it time and time again with friend-couples. When there is bean-counting or internal list-making of who does more, it’s not a good sign.
Random question: Is your BF not American/Canadian? It could explain the lack of knowledge about flowers and Vday and birthday treats. I have multicultural friends who are used to ‘treating’ others on THEIR Birthday. Meaning, I cover dinner for my 5 friends who I invite for my bday dinner. Its not the norm here, but for them its how its done ‘back home’ so maybe thats the story–he didn’t get the whole bouquet vs a single flower as being more romantic. The cupcake t hing etc.
Thanks all again for your comments……
I’m actually happier to see a lot of you defending him, as I do like him and I’d rather be overreacting and shallow then him being…doomed. I agree I have some money issues (as I’m not making very much in my fellowship, have felt sort of used in the past with a prior guy expecting me to pay for wayyyy too much, etc). I also agree with Wendy and the others though, that the cupcake thing is ridiculous. Also, maybe he just didn’t get that I really, really like red velvet cupcakes?? (PS I appreciate your funny cupcake comments!)
Some other answers to questions:
Re: what I did for him for his bday, I did it for his birthday because I wanted to do something nice for him! That was all. I also made him a card for both Vday (along with some homemade chocolate dipped strawberries) and his Bday. I think the differences in what meals cost is a reasonable thing, because if we are splitting meals in half overall, and he is routinely ordering 2x more than me, that ends up being somewhat unreasonable. I do make more, but I also am not comfortable paying more than half. And I don’t think I need to be super apologetic for the flower things – I never led him to believe I am super low maintenance! Also: he is American.
Based on that, honestly – you deserve better. Dump that ass and find a gentleman. It’s unbelievable with the 50/50 concept. Women go through labor and so much more in life. Life is too short to put up with Stinginess. No money is another story, but splitting 50/50… really? Time to find a gentleman
Wendy and Kate have given excellent advice
It’s an unreasonable princess expectation for a bf of 6 months to get you a proper gift and him stringing you along with a single flower, and no gift plus telling you to buy your own birthday cupcake was beyond tacky.
Here’s where you went wrong. You gave too much of yourself too fast. You are low maintenance and he’s treating you like it.
He won’t marry you, or worse yet, he might. Out of sheer convenience.
You have been with him almost every day. Huge mistake. Make him miss you, earn you. Don’t give sex right away. For 6 months he’s had you non stop, and he didn’t even have to try.
You just make yourself available and why would he put any effort into that? You get him proper gifts and probably cook and take care of him.
After the first holiday without a nice gift, like Christmas and valentines, you should have cut him off. Or told him that you wee disappointed he didn’t try harder to plan and do special things for you. You shouldn’t have kept sleeping with him and buying him nice things.
Right there you let him know the bar is on the floor and he barely has to touch it and you’ll keep giving sex and affection.
I’ll be real, this can’t be saved. No lazy man like him will step up and raise the bar to get the same as what he’s getting now.
Just break up. Have the self respect to stop giving all so freely and establish standards with the next one. Youll be surprised how much better it is seeing someone once or twice a week max and having them actually show the effort.
After reading LW’s last update, if you’re staying with him, start going Dutch instead of paying full meal every other time. That way you each pay for your own food and no one has a bigger financial burden. Also be sure to tell him about your reaction to his making you pay for your own birthday cupcake. Then proceed with caution.
MMMmm. It’s hard to say that this guy is a keeper but if you really care about him You should have a sit down chat with him about what your expectations are. Yes, we are students and we don’t have much money but special occasions mean a lot to me and paying for the cupcakes and maybe 3 or more flowers is something that you would expect in the future. Some men are untrainable but some are just oblivious. You never know unless you give it a try.
Cheapness is a turn off for me.