I put him in a situation where he had to choose between me and her and he couldn’t because he said she is one of the only true friends he’s ever had. He has agreed with a term that I made though — to only text her every three weeks and I get to see the messages. Also, he can only see her once a year just to catch up. Should I dump him because he couldn’t decide between our relationship or their friendship? — Jealous of Ex
No, you should not dump your boyfriend because he refused to choose you over a close friend he’s known for years. You should let him go because you are too insecure and immature to have a relationship with anyone who has a life that doesn’t revolve 100% around you (and good luck finding that!). Setting “terms” on when and how your boyfriend touches base with his friends is inappropriate. And I think eventually your boyfriend is going to look back and ask himself why on earth he went along with your silly “terms” rather than breaking up with you. You will be doing yourselves both a favor if you do what he doesn’t seem to have the wherewithal to do and end this relationship while he still maybe has his balls intact.
I sought therapy (he did not and he doesn’t believe in therapy) and I changed for him because I really love this man. I tried to be more affectionate and loving, and even his family would tell me how much I’d changed. We bought a house and I guess I thought we were working things out. Well, eleven months ago he finally left me for another coworker. It hasn’t been a year and now they are both are all over social media stating how they’ve found “the one.” I’m heartbroken.
I was so stupidly loyal to this man, and I got the boot at the end. I don’t wish him bad at all, but I just can’t be happy for him, not now at least. She was married and maybe she left her husband for my ex, I don’t know. Could it possibly be that he has found his true love? Is he now a better person, in a better relationship with a better woman? — Got the Boot
No, your ex, who chronically cheated on you for years, did not suddenly and magically become a “better” person after he left you for a married co-worker a few months ago. He’s still a crappy person, as evidenced by his social media behavior. Seriously, what kind of insensitive, dickwad manchild, who’s old enough to have a 14-year relationship under his belt and three children, posts pictures of his new girlfriend — who may very well still be legally married to someone else! — all over the internet, bragging about how he’s found his “true love”? Ew, he just reeks of douchebaggery and mediocrity.
I could spend paragraphs trying to convince you that he’s not happier now because someone like him will never truly be happy until he fixes his rotten core and it takes more than a few months and a new married girlfriend to do that, but the truth is: it doesn’t matter. He does not matter. What matters is YOUR well-being, and it’s not going to be as strong as it could as long as you continue to fixate on your terrible ex, the wrongs he committed against you, and what his life is like now.
Instead, focus on your life now, your immediate and longterm needs, and the steps you have to take to meet those needs (which should include blocking your ex on social media and may include continued therapy, perhaps with a therapist who is not someone who once encouraged you to change yourself to keep your man).
Going forward, please know that it is ok, normal, and healthy to evolve as a person, both in and out of a relationship. No couple remains how they are in their first year together. Outside pressures, responsibilities, and, simply, time affect a relationship. And while affection, physical intimacy, and the rush of new love can wax, wane, and fade, the bond between two people who are truly committed to each other hopefully grows only stronger with every challenge faced, achievement met, and new adventure taken.
To try to remain as you were when you first met someone, even after many years and experiences together, is not only futile, but also it’s a farce. That’s not to say a couple shouldn’t strive to keep the spark alive, but you do that not by pretending to be the people you were many years ago, but by enjoying new experiences together and appreciating the qualities that continue to attract you to one another.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.