“My Boyfriend Told Me I’m Not Hot”
When we met, I had the perfect body for him — very curvy and thick but still fit and average size. After our first year together I gained fifty pounds, after which I could tell a changed level of passion between us. Now that I have lost the weight, my body is not as firm and curvy as it was before and I’m a little on the slim side for my taste, which he also doesn’t really like. I plan to go back to the gym to gain some healthy weight and get back to where I was before I met him, which I’ve told him, but he always seems disinterested in that conversation.
The problem is that he is very insensitive about the issue — he makes negative comments about how my body looks, and, every chance he gets, he breaks his neck to look at other females who have the body type he likes, sometimes even making comments about how good they look. He doesn’t even try to hide it anymore; he just looks and stares until the person is out of sight!!!
The final straw occurred the other night as I was doing dishes. He looked me up and down (I only had on underclothes) and I was so sure he was about to say something sexy. But then he said, jokingly, “Babe, you’re not even that hot.” At that point I felt something inside me die instantly, as I was just so hurt that he could say that so nonchalantly, but I kept my composure and decided to ignore it. I was up the whole night crying until about 2 am when I sent a long message about all the things I COULD say negatively about him but that I have never spoken, and never would speak, unless it was in a constructive way to help him. As usual, that text got taken out of context, and he accused me of calling him all these names that he felt were uncalled for, and so the issue I was having didn’t even get addressed.
I really love him, but he has made me feel very low and unattractive at a time where I was already not feeling the best about my body, so I feel he doesn’t deserve me once I do get back in shape. We have had many other issues in the past — some we’ve worked through and others we’re still working through — but this, by far, has made me feel the absolute worst!
My question, Wendy, is: Is this just a normal relationship issue that is bound to happen at some point in most relationships and that we can probably work through, or should I look at it for what it is according to how it has made me feel and just move on? — Fifty Pounds to Leave a Lover
No, this is not “a normal relationship issue,” and, yes, you should move on. You should also learn to speak up for yourself, quit “ignoring” such blatant disrespect (like when your boyfriend told you you aren’t even that hot) and start verbalizing your concerns with people (especially your boyfriend!), face-to-face, and not over text or IM or email. Your boyfriend is a total dipshit. Big time. But until you learn to assert yourself, demand respect for yourself, and quit “putting your head down” when something bothers you, you will continue to be perceived as weak and vulnerable — exactly the kind of woman douchey tools like your boyfriend prey on.
Pull your head out of the sand and deal with your issues like a grown-up. Literally turning away from them and pretending they don’t exist is doing you zero favors. So, break up with the douchebag, and focus on tapping into your inner strength more than working out your muscles at the gym. The former will not only empower you, it will attract better quality people into your life who won’t be as likely to treat you like shit.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
In agreement with Wendy. I think also that you are too vulnerable on that issue to date right now, and should find more confidence in yourself, your body, your life balance before being in a relationship. It will be much easier for you to depend less on male approval and stand up for yourself when treated like this.
This is a total deal-breaker. Leave him. Plus, he is gross: he probably can’t help himself to stare and this is not about you. This is about his uneducated manners and primary behaviour.
I would like to add the fact as well, that I am dating a Greek man right now, and he makes me feel the same way. He stares at other girls and points out how hot their butt is or how good they look. And he keeps saying his Greek women are way better. I am an Indian BTW, and this makes me feel so insecure all the time. I am planing to break up with him real soon. I can’t deal with this anymore. One day we were about to go to the beach and he said my swimsuit is not slutty enough for him. Honestly I was so pissed, I hate this man.
Mimi, you’re too good for that malaka. Dump him.
Life is too short to date a malaka.
Why wait to break up with him then?? Break up now!! What could you possibly be waiting for, if you already hate him??
This is a man who will hit you after you’ve married. He will think that he’s trapped you and owns you. He’s doing this to knock down your self esteem and make you easier to control.
Leave that malaka!
Do not marry this man! Break up with him now and work on yourself. Wendy is right, you need to rebuild your self-esteem so you won’t allow someone to treat you like this in the future.
This dude is completely inconsiderate and insensitive. Get out now- there’s no reason for you to have to put up with this *now* before you even get married. I’m betting that, once you do and start focusing on your own well being, your self-esteem will improve greatly and you’ll be in a much better place no matter what you may look like!
“I feel he doesn’t deserve me once I do get back in shape”
He doesn’t deserve you now. Whether you ever get back in shape is irrelevant. Your value isn’t based on your weight or muscle tone. You are a valuable person regardless of weight and muscle tone and deserve respect regardless of weight and muscle tone. Every person has a type that they find attractive but that is still separate from being respected. He’s not respecting you and in fact it sounds like he goes out of his way to put you down. You can stand up for yourself by dumping him and then in the future have clear boundaries about what you will tolerate in your life. If someone is treating you badly that means it is a good time to remove them from your life. Keep the good, dump the bad.
^ This a million times. It was my first reaction when I read that sentence, too, and I completely agree with every word of SB’s post.
^^ exactly!!! LW he doesn’t deserve you now, or when you were 50lbs heavier or EVER
WWS. Holy shit, LW. Even when I’ve been in the depths of self esteem issues after having two children…my husband would never say that to me. Because he thinks I’m hot. Even with two babies and a flappy, immediately post-baby belly, he still looked at my body and all that it’s given us both and marveled at it.
You need to build up your own self worth and stop letting anyone treat you lesser than. He’s a total tool, he is mean and he doesn’t fight fair. Break up with the asshole and aim so much higher.
This isn’t a normal relationship issue. It’s him being a crappy person. The fact that you think that he will use this against you if you bring it up means that not only is he shallow and cruel, but he’s also incapable of having a healthy, adult relationship. Dump him yesterday.
“I haven’t had a direct conversation with him about how I feel about some of the negative remarks he’s made about me physically because I fear that he may use it against me in arguments, knowing that it hurts me, and so I play it off sometimes like I’m not bothered even though I am.”
Your boyfriend sounds horrible and you should leave him but going forward you need to be able to speak out to your partners about when they’re doing things that are hurtful to you.
“I was up the whole night crying until about 2 am when I sent a long message about all the things I COULD say negatively about him but that I have never spoken, and never would speak, unless it was in a constructive way to help him. As usual, that text got taken out of context, and he accused me of calling him all these names that he felt were uncalled for, and so the issue I was having didn’t even get addressed.”
Not that you don’t have *lots* of cause, but listing all a long message full of someone’s negative traits and and saying “I could criticize you about all this bad stuff I but don’t” is really the same thing as actually insulting them.
Totally agree with your last paragraph. Of all the wrong things this guy has done, taking your email out of context is not one of them– if you told him you could call him ugly, that’s the same as calling him ugly.
Your boyfriend sounds like a gigantic dick, and you you should dump him, like, yesterday.
No, this is not a normal issue in a relationship, unless the BF is a massive asshole, like in this case.
For the love of all that is holy, leave the stupid-insensitive-dumbass greek guy, and, if you are going to lose the weight do it because you want it to, not because some idiot told you to.
This letter made me so mad!! How dare he tell you that? And why would you let him? I would have kicked his ass out of there in a second.
OMG! This is terrible!! Psychological abuse! Leave this man and find someone that deserves you.
Oh LW, this sucks, and the whole thing is so hurtful. There are a lot of things that are negotiable with a partner, but it’s so important to find someone that treats you with kindness. Would you say stuff like your bf told you to a stranger on the street? I’m guessing no, bc it’s mean and weird. So, how is it ok to say to you, his partner? Dump this guy, it will feel great! And in the future, people who make you feel this way: “I fear that he may use it against me in arguments, knowing that it hurts me,” are not worth your time.
“When we met, I had the perfect body for him — very curvy and thick but still fit and average size. After our first year together I gained fifty pounds, after which I could tell a changed level of passion between us. Now that I have lost the weight, my body is not as firm and curvy as it was before and I’m a little on the slim side for my taste, which he also doesn’t really like. I plan to go back to the gym to gain some healthy weight and get back to where I was before I met him, which I’ve told him, but he always seems disinterested in that conversation.”
Waaaaaay to much focus on what he prefers sexually right here. We all have stuff we like, but this kind of makes my skin crawl, like you’re an employee whose job is to stay perfectly sexually attractive to his most exacting of preferences. If you had a baby, how do you think he’d react to the havoc pregnancy can have on on a woman’s body? What about normal aging? How will he react to that? He sounds very sexually entitled and willing to be cruel if you don’t perform to his expectations. And you seem to have somewhat acquiesced to his point of view. What he’s doing is abusive — looking you up & down and critiquing your appearance apropos of nothing? Dump, dump, dump.
Your shitty boyfriend has taught you to see your body through his lens and not your own. You need to take back ownership of the skin you inhabit. You and only you are allowed to police your body and your choices. When you go to the gym, it should be for you and your health, not so that some emotionally abusive jerk *might* stop ogling strangers in public.
Leave him. Let’s say you magically get the perfect “for him” body. I guarantee he’ll find something else to pick at so he can keep holding your self-esteem hostage.
My last boyfriend once told me, apropos of nothing, that he and his roommate had been “rating” the looks of the girls they knew. I was apparently a 6, though he oh so generously raised it to a 6.5. His reasoning? “Oh, you know how high my standards are. I wouldn’t rate myself any higher than that. I wouldn’t even rate someone like Jessica Alba as a 10.” His reason for even telling me in the first place? Yeah, he didn’t have one, but I suspect that much like your insecure SO, it was just to be hurtful.
Reading what I’ve just typed, I can see the multiple ways that was so effed up, but since I was “in love” for the first time, I ignored it. Looking back, it was one of just a truckload of red flags that I refused to see at the time. But even knowing that now, 10 years later, it’s something my self esteem still hasn’t fully recovered from. Please get out now before he can do any more damage.
“I fear that he may use it against me in arguments, knowing that it hurts me.”
No, no, no, no no no no no!!! If you EVER think something like this is going to happen in your relationship, something is very, very wrong. Your partner should not want to intentionally hurt you! Break up with him immediately. Never date someone who makes you feel this way again.
Your SO is an asshole, plain and simple. I get it, weight gain can cause trouble in relationships. The fact that he is purposely hurting you, NOT helping you or encouraging you (even after the fact that you mentioned getting back in shape), and continually disrespecting you tells you all you need to know. MOA!
My ex made very specific, negative comments when I would leave my hair naturally curly. Over time it really wore me down and I straightened my hair pretty much all the time.
After we broke up, I would wear it out curly occasionally, and a good male friend of mine told me several times that he liked it natural. And you know what? I realized that I do too. I was just letting the negative BS get to me because I felt like I had to be a certain way for my ex.
Don’t ever change who you are and your appearance because of someone who wants to control what they say, and fit you into a specific image. They aren’t worth your time.
@blink14, this makes me so mad to hear! I’m sure your hair is gorgeous. I have naturally wavy hair (2b, on the chart) and I pretty much never straighten my hair because it takes up so much time, and is damaging. I put mousse in and let it air dry. Luckily my boyfriend prefers curly/wavy haired women, but even if he didn’t, too bad! His hair is curly, and men would (most likely) never think of trying to straighten their hair.
Plain and simple, leave him.
He has no respect for women.
My husband has loved me and been attracted to me at all of my sizes. I started at a size 24 when we met, and he loved me then. I gained a bunch of weight over the 8 years that followed (like 75-100 lbs) and he still wanted me physically. Didn’t check out other girls in public or make rude comments. I had weight loss surgery in December 2015, weigh less than I did when we first got together, and he wants me just as much (maybe a little more) than he did before (mostly because I’m more into it now, and more confident). A “great” guy doesn’t treat anyone like this. MOA, cause you deserve better.
A man who loves you, loves *you*. Your mind, your soul, your quirks…whether you are thick, thin, flabby, or fit.
Wow. What an asshole. Dump him and don’t feel bad about it. But before you start dating again, you need to figure out why you would stay with someone who treats you like that, let alone agree to marry him! I don’t even know you, but I know you’re worth more than that.
Coming out of lurker mode because this letter made me so upset.
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Please don’t put up with his BS a minute longer. You say you love him but nowhere in a six paragraph letter do you say anything positive about him, much less why you love him. You clearly don’t feel you can trust him if you think he would use any expressed insecurities against you. Why would you want to be with someone whose main contribution to your life seems to be tearing down your self esteem and self worth? He’s a bully and a creep who disrespects you and sounds like while he can dish it out 24/7, can’t take the slightest criticism and becomes defensive and turns things around to make himself the victim if you even think about calling him on his crap.
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You have value. If he doesn’t see it, that’s his loss, it’s time to move on.
Dump the jerk. Appearances change, especially with age. What he told you was horrible. Looking back on my pics when I was your age-damn I looked good. I still look good even after 2 kids, surgeries and graying hair. My hubby loves me just the way I am and I love him- weight and all.
No one deserves to feel the way you do and I agree with Wendy- no messaging etc.
No. This is not normal. Someone who loves you does not put you down and make you feel bad about yourself. Someone who loves you encourages you to be your best person and loves you with all of your flaws.
For your own health – MOA. You can’t change him.
Dude is emotionally abusive. DTMFA and move on.
“It confuses me because he’s a smart guy, so I just don’t see how he doesn’t know how that makes me feel.”
Oh, he knows, he just doesn’t care that it hurts you.
” I’ve also told him multiple times that I don’t like it when he stares at other women and he still does it anyway, almost like he can’t help himself.”
Don’t excuse his bad behavior, he’s not a child, he can help himself.
This man is mean to you. Move on and figure out why you would let anyone treat you this way.
I’m late to the discussion but this rang all sorts of alarm bells for me. My ex husband was super concerned about outward appearances and it all stemmed from his own sense of insecurities. In the end, we had a nasty, drawn-out divorce not precipitated by this preoccupation but his nasty comments certainly didn’t help.
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You may want to get help dealing with your body issues but you don’t need this man. He has some *ish* to deal with and it’s not about you. RUN! Get away from this person. Find someone to love you for you, not what you look like. Looks fade, accidents happen — you don’t want to base your whole relationship on outward appearances.
Wow, reading this feels like something I would write about my bf and I. Almost the same things, staring at others, telling me that girl has the perfect body, telling me I’d be so sexy if I lost weight, constantly telling me about these hot girls he sees on tv. Opened my eyes…
Interesting you gained a lot of weight during your first year with him. I wonder if he was treating you crappy and you :stress ate”? This guy will certainly have no qualms about cheating and blaming your “lack of perfection,hotness”,for it. Dump him now. He is immature and does not truly love you.
Beautiful girl… what others have said is true and important and necessary. Let me also say this…. this is not your fault.
You absolutely should practice speaking up for yourself, but your struggle to do so doesn’t justify him acting like this. You should work on clear communication of your needs, but you learning how to do that doesn’t excuse his abuse.
Abusers purposefully make it difficult to be your best self because they don’t want the resistance. They wear you down and encourage your self doubt because they want you to need them. Why would you stay and put up with this, unless you feel like you have no other good choices or don’t deserve better? He’s invested in keeping you feeling that way because he’s getting something out of this. You’re not.
Good partners don’t purposefully hurt you. They don’t blame you for inevitable changes in health and age. When things change, they work with you and grow with you. When you have doubts or disagreements, they should be able to talk with you about it. However insistent they are that you see their side, they need to be equally willing to see yours. A healthy relationship has respect and friendship at the core.
You are not weak for being here. Your insecurities or skills did not cause this or make it okay. Abusers look for certain things, sure, but they also work very hard to make those insecurities worse and to undermine whatever growth you have. You don’t have to be stronger. You’re already strong. You just need to find ways to remind yourself and keep practicing until you can break through the grooming.
He doesn’t deserve you, and you deserve to be seen as the amazing person you already are.
As a Greek I apologize. Many of us are badly educated and arrogant. I agree you need to dump that moron. I hope you’ve done it already.