“My Boyfriend Won’t Make Room for My Kids and Me in His House”
The other part of the problem is that Rick has three kids and I have three kids, and though they get along great, Rick’s house is tiny, especially for eight people, and my kids don’t have their own beds. We have three bedrooms — they are not very big — one bathroom, and a partially finished basement. On top of that, Rick is a bit of a hoarder. He loves clearance shopping and a good deal. He has TONS of boxes in the basement that haven’t been touched in the year and a half he’s lived there. I would like to integrate my kids into the home and give them actual beds. Currently, his two girls share a room and his son has his own room. I have two boys and one girl, so it’s three girls and three boys. Though the rooms aren’t big, they could accommodate three kids each with bunks beds and with moving all the kids “stuff” to the area of the basement we set up for them. I’ve showed Rick ideas on Pinterest, and have brought it up gently over and over about how it would mean a lot to have my kids feel like they have a bedroom or a bed or a space that is also theirs.
Rick has been telling me for probably nine months that he would clean out more dresser space for me, but I still have only one dresser drawer, a nightstand with two small drawers, and maybe a quarter or less of his small closet while he has TWO tall six-drawer dressers, the top shelf of the closet, and the majority of the closet. The man has like 200 t-shirts and doesn’t want to get rid of them because there is “nothing wrong with them.” Additionally, the garage is full and the basement is full. There are four garbage bags full of little girl clothes in the basement ranging from 24-months to 4/5T that he’s been wanting to give to someone who could use them, but there is no one and his youngest daughter is 8! I finally last week got him to donate one box of his clothes and one box of kids’ clothes.
It doesn’t feel like we live “together;” I just live with him. My boys sleep on a fold-out mat in his son’s room, and my daughter sleeps on a futon in the partially finished basement. We figure we’ll be living in this house for about three to five years before we buy something else. How do I help him realize that it’s necessary to get rid of stuff we don’t use or need, without being pushy or insensitive? — Spaced-Out
It sounds like you gradually moved into Rick’s home, first staying there on weekends, then bringing your kids when you had them, then slowly bringing over clothes and a few kitchen and decor items. You just recently officially changed your address to his after months of this gradual and casual moving-in. I have to wonder: Did Rick invite you to move in? Did he even want to share his space with you and your three kids? Did you talk before you moved in about how you would integrate four extra people into his small house? If not, then you have only yourself to blame for this predicament you find yourself (and your poor kids!) in. If you were invited to move in and you and Rick did discuss and agree on how best to integrate your family into his home, you can blame him for not sticking to the agreement.
I’m betting, based on the content of your letter, that no such agreement was ever in place, and that even a discussion about where your kids would sleep was probably not had before you slowly and gradually moved in. It sounds like everything just sort of happened organically, which sounds pleasant in theory, but even a vegetable garden needs thoughtful planning to thrive. And the truth is, it may simply be too late to have these discussions with Rick now. He seems stuck in his ways and not at all interested in making room for you, let alone for you and your kids. You’ve already been asking Rick for nine months to clear some more dresser space for you and he can’t even do that. What other recourse do you have here except to move out? And, frankly, that may be exactly what Rick wants. I get the feeling he may not have even wanted you there in the first place.
If I’m wrong, and Rick did — and does — want you in his home, you need to be firm that he HAS to make space for you and your kids. That means getting rid of shit, setting up a play area in the basement, and getting bunk beds. It means incorporating some of your decor and working with you to make a home that is both functional and comfortable for all of you. These are basic steps, and if he can’t comply, you need to pack up your one dresser drawer and tiny bit of closet space and get out of there because, when you aren’t wanted, the last thing you should do is force yourself — and your three kids — on to someone.
If your response to all of this is: “But I don’t have anywhere better to go,” or “I can’t afford my own place,” or “I’ll have to move back in with my parents,” my reply is: “Ok.” Because none of those reasons is reason enough to live with a boyfriend who is unwilling to make space for you or didn’t want you to move in in the first place. If, after thinking it all over, you decide that living with Rick, even with no space for your stuff, is still the best option, then that’s the choice you’re making, and Rick has the upper hand. He has the upper hand and he knows it. He knows you have limited options and won’t move out, despite how unhappy you may say you are with the lack of space, because you’ve got nowhere better to live. And then, that would be the kind of man you’re dating and living with: a man who doesn’t really care that much about your feelings. And then you have to decide: Is that what you want for yourself and your kids? A man who lets them sleep on fold-out mats on the floor so his 200 t-shirts have room to breathe? Your kids deserve better than that.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Did you perhaps watch too much Brady bunch when you were a kid? Really, reading this made sick. You are more concerned about taking this next step in your relationship than providing a proper home for your family. Your boyfriend obviously doesn’t want you there, your kids probably don’t want to be there either, not to mention even if your boyfriend made space for you, that house is not equipped to handle that many people. I can’t imagine the morning routine. Move out. For your sakes and especially for your kids.
On the Brady Bunch Mike the architect designed a house with room for six kids (although those 6 did have to share one bathroom). It doesn’t sound like anyone put much thought into this.
You moved your children into a situation where they don’t even have proper beds to sleep on…why? So you could have convenient access to your boyfriend? Your sons are sleeping on the floor. Your daughter is sleeping on a futon in a partially-finished basement. For the better part of a year. Just so you get to sleep with BF when you want.
How about you stop worrying about how much space there is for your clothes and start being a decent mother, and get your kids out of that situation? Like, this weekend?
What I’m really hoping is the kids think this is just a fun sleepover situation at her mom’s boyfriends house, and the father or other parent has full custody, that would at least make ME feel better to hope for.
LW, It is time for you to take control of your life. Whatever that means. If you are building a life with this man, then build it. Tell him you want to make this a home for the both of you. If he does want that, then set aside a weekend as clean house day. Heck, you can sell stuff on those facebook yardsale sites and pay for the new beds. You can sell the excess stuff at your parent’s house as well. If he does not want this, then move out and figure out how to provide a safe space for your kids and build your life the way you like it. This waiting for him to make a move is not working. Own it and take charge. I have posted on my wall at work and at home this quote: ” You are the cultivator of your life, not the manager of your circumstances.”
Also…I see a whole lot about what you want in your letter. You started moving your stuff. You changed your address. You brought your kids. There’s no mention of “Rick and I talked about blending our families,” or “Rick wanted so badly for us to be living together.”
Did you have those conversations? It sounds like you didn’t. Like you and the kids slowly started spending more and more time there, until you just…stopped going home.
You’re not being patient — you’re being a doormat. Why didn’t you wait until you and your boyfriend had come to a concrete decision about blending families to move in? Why didn’t you wait until his house was appropriate for six children to live in? Or wait until the two of you could get a place together that had enough space for six kids? That’s a fine temporary arrangement, but surely you realize that you can’t have three kids sharing a room forever. What a huge disruption in their lives this is — not having their own beds, or if he ever makes room for them, suddenly having to share rooms with one or more other children that are not their family?
I assume the reason you did these things was because you were afraid that if you asked your boyfriend what he wanted or if you told him what needed to happen that he wouldn’t do it or he’d be scared off and you’d lose him. But these shouldn’t be negotiables, and if he’s not willing to accommodate your family, you shouldn’t be with him.
I totally agree that she fears asking or demanding what she needs. So she just hints quietly and hopes he will notice.
WWS!! My first thought after reading your letter was “when the hell did Rick agree to this combined living situation??” It sounds like he didn’t. Unless you are leaving out a lot, it sounds as if you moved yourself, your kids, and some of your shit in without really asking. You really make your kids sleep on the floor?? For what?? Unless this guy is willing to share, you need to be a MOM and put the kids in a healthier living situation, even if that means back with your parents.
I’d also be really concerned with the shopping/hoarding thing. That doesn’t go away with nagging. He may be spending a lot of money on things he doesn’t need because they’re “good deals”. The reality is, if you don’t need it, you shouldn’t buy it. If he’s not using something it means he didn’t need it, which means he wasted his money. Not a good sign.
I totally agree that hording doesn’t go away.
You really need to move out. Like everyone else, I suspect that there was never an actual discussion about moving in. It just sort of “happened”. This happened to a friend of mine. His girlfriend just started spending more and more time at his house, until gradually she lived there. Now they are married (that’s another story for another day) but they are miserable. Even if you and Rick did talk about it, this house is way too small for all of you. Surely you see that. Eventually, the kids are not going to be able share rooms anymore. Kids sleeping on the floor is not a normal arrangement, FYI. Move in to your own place with your kids, or move back with your parents. Those are your only options. If you lose Rick, well, at least your kids would be sleeping in proper beds.
Nope. Nope. Nope. You have 3 kids. He has 3 kids. You should live separately with each of your kids in your own places until the kids are grown and out of the home and then if you are still together, you can move in together. You just sort of gradually mooshed into his space with your kids when you should have taken care of your needs and your kids’ needs as a first priority. Move out and have your own place where kids can have their own bedrooms.
This is definitely the prequel to the Brady Bunch, now you just have to get Mike I mean Rick to design a new house!
But really, if this was a mutual move in, then I don’t know why you have to ask permission to make your house livable for you and your kids. If Rick really did want you to move in, then why can’t you just go buy yourself a dresser, and some beds for the kids? Why can’t you help him pack his stuff up downstairs, instead of waiting on him, because it doesn’t seem like he wants to do it.
I think you really need to look at the situation you put your kids in, and maybe they are to young to realize it, but it’s not a good one. Hopefully they have a real house to stay in when they are at their fathers which, in this case seems like he has them most of the time anyways so that’s good.
I can’t believe that a mother would let her kids sleep on the floor and in a partially-finished basement. What the hell kind of home is that? Why on earth would you move your children into a home where they didn’t have BEDS? That’s like, parenting basics, making sure that your children have a decent place to sleep every night. A fucking futon in a partially-finished basement filled with junk, possibly creating a fire hazard? A mat on the floor? Think about the kind of message you are sending to your kids – that they’re not worth the effort to ensure their comfort and safety. That your boyfriend’s kids deserve their own beds, but yours don’t. (I wonder what your kids’ father thinks about all of this?) Come on, your kids need more from you.
What I would like to know is what your kids’ father thinks of this. If I found out my kids’ father was making them sleep on a mat on the floor or in a partially finished basement you could be sure that I would have them taken out of his custody ASAFP. On the floor and in a partially finished basement?! Come on. Look at your choices here. Your kids deserve better than this, and if you can’t provide it in this situation, you need to find a new situation.
I know we are all supposed to speak out against addiction, but it could solve so many societal problems. If the LW was addicted to heroin, none of us would think twice about her kids sleeping on the floor. We’d just be glad they were indoors. But just because she isn’t an addict, suddenly we want to hold her to this crazy standard of beds. So, LW, get yourself on heroin asap, and no one will split hairs with you on your parenting anymore. Boom! Case Closed!
It sounds like you wiggled yourself and your children into his home without asking or discussing it. Did you hope that if you just gradually moved yourself and your kids in he wouldn’t notice? Or maybe he’d decide he loved it and suddenly make room for you? The only reason I can think of for doing this on the sly was because you knew he wouldn’t agree to you and the kids moving in. Why else not ask? Why else not discuss? You crammed you and your kids into his life and he probably resents it. You’ve treated him and his kids and your own kids as irrelevant.
If you did move in without any discussion I consider that a red flag for Rick. A partner, a true partner, doesn’t try to shove themselves and their three children into your life with your three children without discussing it at enough length that you figure out beds and dressers and bedrooms and space and finances and schedules and food, etc. before you move in together. Who treats a real partner that way, moving in without any discussion or agreement.
Doing what you’ve done has crowded him and his kids and you and your kids. You are probably the only one who signed up for that.
Move out and in the future do it the proper way. With lots of discussion and a mutual agreement, making sure the arrangement works for every individual involved in the home.
Your kids need a stable home, and you’re not providing that for them. Tell Rick he’s either gotta get with the program, or you’re moving out and finding your own place.
Even if Rick gets with the program, it isn’t a stable situation and the whole housing arrangement isn’t acceptable. LW and Rick really don’t sound like they have a relationship which is going to go the distance. They have shown no ability to communicate or make decisions together. Those 3 kids have been dragged into mommy’s temporary relationship with current bf after she’s known him for about a year.
My main problem is HE IS A HOARDER!! Even IF he wants to make room for you he is psychologically attached to his stuff. If he throws out his shirts, you are throwing out a piece of him, or so it feels like to a hoarder.
You knew he was a hoarder dude. He needs therapy before you can build a life with him. And im betting the fact he is a hoarder may be part of the reason he is divorced.
The rigidity of hoarders and their needs is unmoveable until THEY want to get better. I should know. I fight the impulse every day.
Two very important facts you don’t mention: how often does Rick have his kids, how often do you have your kids? When was your divorce?
Your description says he bought the house before there was any consideration at all of your possibly staying there. He bought a house sized for himself. It doesn’t sound at all like a house which can accommodate 2 adults and 6 kids.
You aren’t even engaged to this guy. Why after less than a year of dating him would you force your children of divorce to live with him and his kids? They need stability. They don’t need to be blended into another family with a man and his 3 kids, who is your current bf, and judging from the tone of your letter is unlikely to be your bf a year from now. You are emotionally abusing your kids. Until you are in a smoothly functioning permanent relationship, you should leave your kids out of it.
WWS & WEES!
It really bugs me that the LW has essentially moved from a marital house, to her parents’ home, into Rick’s home without taking a breath. Whenever I see women do this, it’s always because they feel like they can’t take care of themselves OR their terrified of being alone. They move from relationship to relationship (dragging the kids along) until they find someone who can ‘take care’ of them, even if the guy is pretty ‘effin horrible to them.
LW, don’t do this to your kids. All of y’all deserve better than this situation. You deserve to have a better relationship, and they deserve to not be crammed in someone else’s space so their Mom can shack up with a man who really doesn’t want her there.
Please move back home to your parents’ house and work on saving money to purchase a home/apartment for you and your own kids. Life will be so much better for you & the kids.
I’m sorry, your daughter sleeps on a futon in the partially finished basement filled with junk? How does she feel about that? I think it’s fucking gross. Figure this out, because that’s your job and this situation is unacceptable.
1.) Don’t move in with a hoarder. Surely you could see this before you moved in. Even if he said he would move the stuff you had a clear idea of how he lived and it kept not being moved so you knew that.
2.) Like everyone else says, wtf are you even thinking in regards to your kids??? Them having a place to sleep is step #1. Also, let me tell you something that I see a lot of people ignore that is a fact! I speak from experience and just actually had a come to Jesus with my good friend about this regarding his own children. Your kids may like his kids fine, they may like him fine, but I promise they DID NOT want to move in to that home. Not even a little. No matter what they say they did not.
On top of that they don’t even have rooms or a place to sleep. You have not only considered only yourself in this but also permanently caused damaged to your relationship with your kids, how they view you and you have shown them they don’t come first. Stop putting your relationship first, especially with a man who seems completely uninterested in having you there.
I agree with all that’s been said regarding moving in too quickly without thoughtful planning…and will add this:
I’ve lived with a hoarder. Unless Rick recognizes he has a problem and is willing to undergo intensive and highly specialized therapy for the problem, trust me…the junk is going to stay.
Forever.
LW, you really need to step back and figure out a better living situation for your kids. Rick might be the greatest guy in the world, but his not making room for you and your children isn’t a matter of you being patient or sensitive. You’re up against one of the most complex of psychological disorders that will not get better unless he and he alone, decides to tackle it and put in what will probably be years of therapy.
You might want to do some research into the emotional issues that children who have hoarder parents develop. You also might want to put some thought into how your children must feel, perceiving that your relationship with Rick is more important than giving them a real home.
LW, it sounds like you have gone from divorce, to living with parents, to moving in with a boyfriend. Please take some time off of make a home for yourself and your children. Your top priority should be getting back on your feet, not living out of one drawer in a hoarder house that is too small in the first place. Maybe if you worked for something for yourself, something you were proud of, you’d have higher standards – for yourself and as an example for your children. And no, 3 bunk beds with someone else’s children in them is not what your children need from you.
Oh, but you helped him paint when he got the house. That should be enough reason for him to give you and your three kids a roof.
Rick must be an increibly patient guy.
You have to move out and take a flat for you and your children. There is no point in nagging him to give away his stuff. Just move out. Your family should be your first priority.
I was very serious with a man several years ago – talking marriage. He had a middle school-er and a freshman in college. I had a senior in high school. We talked about blending homes – renting mine out and living in his since he had the middle school child. He had a 3 bed/2 bath home. He kept talking about just shifting rooms around and basically finding a space for my son to have. I kept talking about converting the stand alone two car garage into a a master apartment, leaving the main house for the kid’s bedrooms and family gathering. He didn’t want to leave his car in the driveway. So, okay, convert half of the garage into a master suite. But no, where would he store his stuff . Not to mention the blending of favorite furniture and accessories. It was resistance at every turn – the changing up of his home. It was a deal breaker. The relationship ended.
Long way around the bushes to say – if there is no place for your children. YOUR CHILDREN. Then is no place for you in this man’s home. Because it is HIS home. You are just a bed warmer for him and an electric blanket could easily replace you.
Right? Feel free to do that if you don’t have kids but once you’re a parent that’s it. You made your choice to have them, they had no say in the matter so you damn well better do the best you can for them.
LW, I don’t want you to feel attacked, but the reason everyone is coming down so hard on you is that you aren’t really seeing the truth that you are writing. You’re missing the logical conclusion to what you yourself are writing – and the update makes that especially clear.
So, he said he wanted you there, and you could move whatever you wanted in – but nothing happens, even though you keep proposing to cull, and show him pictures, and have all kindza plans. Have you never heard the saying, “actions speak louder than words”? Because that’s what’s happening here. He’s. Just. Plain. Not. Going. To do it. Whatever the reason is (and you might want to read up on hoarding, because this is certainly a part of what’s going on, along with his little shopping addiction). He can be very nice. I’m sure he is. But he’s also gonna yes you to death, and then do nothing to make it happen. Please get the message he is sending you. He may say he wants you there, but he really can’t handle it. Please hear the message that he giving you, and understand that this is just not going to happen.
It can be oh so tempting to believe that just because you’re capable, and Pinterest, and you helped paint, and bunk beds, that you can just dive right in and make this work. You can’t move the mountain. I don’t know if he actually wants you all there, or whether he’s tolerating you and just doesn’t have the stones to tell you honestly because he doesn’t want to disappoint you, or any one of a dozen other possible explanations . It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he’s just not going to do it. And you need to hear and accept the message he’s REALLY telling you, because it’s his actions – or rather, his lack thereof, that are speaking volumes.
I feel sorry for you that you are letting him snooker you. Or actually, you are actively helping him to snooker you, because you so very much want things to be a certain way. They aren’t.
Keep him as a boyfriend if you want, but don’t be pushing to merge your households. He is resisting you with everything he’s got, and in the nicest, most passive way possible. Please be willing to hear the truth.
Yeah, I’m disappointed when people blame their kids for their needs being on the back burner. I think that a lot of parents CHOOSE to put their kids before them (including in ways that are excessive) and take on a martyr role, and then turn around and blame their kids for it. There are ways of prioritizing your kids while also treating yourself in a healthy way, so that you aren’t driven to totally steamroll your kids’ needs for yourself.
He said she could move whatever in, but did that mean move everything including kids, dog, everything ?
Or did he mean he cleaned out a drawer for whenever she slept over and he didn’t mind an extra toothbrush in the bathroom ?
I feel for this woman because she obviously wants something this guy doesn’t want to give.
I also feel for the kids because they must feel so displaced. It doesn’t seem like she has even been divorced very long. (Did she mention how long?) Seems like to much too soon. For everyone, including her. She never got to live on her own and find indepedence. (which is a pretty awesome thing when you have never had it.)
I would never put my kid in the basement without radon testing and isn’t she scared all alone down there ? No way would I do that to my baby girl! And the boy can’t have an aerobed or something ? No rent and she can’t buy him something ? Ok let me be direct here :
LW -You need to gently tell Rick that you are moving out and suggest a good therapist for his disorder. There are likely underlining issues he needs to address before you move forward. You will thank me later. Living with a hoarder is a nightmare and if you ever did decide to marry it needs to be handled before,not after.
Buying a bigger house will not help because he will fill that one up too.
Move out, if he really cares he will clean the place up , get help and make room, if not he didn’t care enough in the first place.
And btw, if your ex was such an a -hole , why did you let him get your kids????
SMH
Wow LW, Your kids are being treated like chopped liver! This is how you should have done it: Before moving in with your boyfriend you should both have sat down and had a huge discussion about you moving in, about how to all be one loving family, logistics, what stuff/furniture of yours will be coming, what stuff/furniture of his will be sold to make room, about how to blend in your kids and make it their home too. Then you should have had a sit down with the kids and explain it all to them in happy terms. Then BEFORE moving in you two shoudl have gone to the store to buy bunk beds and dressers to set up the kids rooms so that they sleep 3 kids each. Each child has room in a dresser, each child has shelf space, closet space, etc. Then you set the bunkbeds up and get the rooms all set. THEN you move your kids in…wow! Look at your new room…isn’t this cool! It’s sad to me the way you have done this. I remember going to my dad’s house every other weekend and sleeping in one of my stepsister’s rooms on the floor. I didn’t get a drawer to keep stuff in. I didn’t get a bed. I always just felt like a visitor/outsider. As an adult I am NOT close to my Dad. Your boyfriend is placing more importance on his tshirts than on the people he supposedly loves. I would not want a boyfriend like this.
You could rent a one bedroom apartment, and put 3 twin size beds in the bedroom, and a daybed for yourself to sleep on in the living room. It’s good that you clarified that he wanted you to move in but though he’s probably much kinder than your ex he’s not a great partner to live with (with kids especially) if he can’t be a minimally mature and responsible and move and donate his junk for you and your kids. If your question is how to make him do that how about being extremely direct about the kids needing beds , when that doesn’t work, ultimatum, then move out. Even if he means well, you need to do a bit better for your kids.