“My Boyfriend Won’t Marry Me Unless I Get a Corporate Job”
He wants me to quit my job and do something more corporate that brings in more money. But I love my job so much. Three years ago I left a corporate job because I needed a change, and the years since I started nannying have been the best of my life. I expressed to him that I love him and am willing to do just about anything for him, but I can’t quit my job. We are on a break now because I feel so sad that my other half wouldn’t have my back and compromise financially. I would have his back at any time and I have had. Do you think I’m over-reacting or do you think that, if he doesn’t agree with my career, maybe he isn’t the right man for me? — Feeling Defeated
I think that if your partner would prefer you leave a job where you thrive and feel happier than you ever have because he doesn’t want to pay a bigger portion of the bills (despite your generous offer to take on all the household chores), then, yeah, he’s not the right man for you. He sounds like a dick, tbh. It’s one thing to be concerned about finances and to wonder how you’ll make ends meet together and to work on a plan and a compromise that is satisfactory for you both, and to discuss potential future scenarios in which one or both of your salaries might change and how you’ll handle that (because the likelihood of your jobs and salaries remaining unaffected forever is, literally, zero); it’s quite another thing to make a unilateral decision that your current salary simply won’t do, there’s no way to adapt to it, and that the only solution is for you to quit a job you love and find something that pays more. I mean, fuck that, right?
You’ve seen your boyfriend’s true colors and they aren’t pretty. You can bet this is just the tip of the iceberg and if he’s already acting this way before you marry, he would be impossible as a life-long partner. I can only imagine the demands he might put on you, the hissy fits he’d throw when you didn’t bend to his desires and needs, and how uncreative and rigid he might be about adjusting your budget as your lifestyle changed (as it is guaranteed to do over the course of decades together).
I’d take this as a great opportunity to jump ship and dodge the bullet that would sure be tying yourself to him forever. In other words: MOA.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Well said, Wendy. There’s nothing left to say. Happy life!!!
Very well said Wendy. Cut the losses and run in the opposite direction.
That is not a real man. A real man supports happiness and compromises.
How would he react if you went out and got a job paying $150k and then told him he wasn’t making enough money?
I agree with all the advice above. I was in a similar situation. Left a good job I loved to move somewhere with my husband. I actively did things to support/help with his work and career. I also ran my own business part time and did all the cooking, housework, child care, bill paying etc.
Whatever I did was never enough…he made a similar demand that I get a job making X
number of dollars. Never mind all I was doing and that I was not qualified for / or would like the type of work he wanted me to do. This stance of his contributed to our divorce.
Omg, yes, move on NOW and be glad he outed himself as a selfish and controlling abuser before you married him. There is no way that he would ever be satisfied. Astronaut Barbie absolutely hit the mark with her comment: “How would he react if you went out and got a job paying $150k and then told him he wasn’t making enough money?” You know there’d be whining about how “if you really loved him” you wouldn’t care.
Wow! Run (don’t walk) to the nearest exit and be thankful he showed his true colors before marriage and babies.
Run,run,run from this cheap,demanding narcissistic creep!He needs to man up & not demand his wife to quit a job that she loves,
just to help him pay his bills.Tell him you want to dump him so you can look for a man who can appreciate a good woman of valor,instead of a cheap skate like him who needs his wife’s paycheck, to pay the bills.
I would be compelled to add an additional comment as I was going out the door (I wouldn’t be able to stifle myself). I would have to add, “I’m leaving you to find a man that earns $40,000 MORE THAN YOU, to make-up for my “missing” $40,000!”
Trust me, I know from experience. He does not value your happiness. If he was so concerned about money he would get a higher salaried job. Don’t get back with him. Find someone that wants to take care of you.
Good Lord. What about future children? Are you to work taking off just enough time to give birth? Unload this control freak now and find someone to be an equal and supportive partner. You deserve better.
Get out while the gettin’s good, girlfriend. This is not someone to hand the keys to your heart and your happiness because all he is really concerned with is your deposit receipt. Bye bye!
RUN! Run and thank your lucky stars you didn’t marry this man. I married a guy like this 32 years ago. I went thru 16 years of mental abuse. I was isolated from family, was made to feel I couldn’t do the things I loved. I lost who I was and became a shell of myself. It took 10 years of therapy and living alone to find myself again. Nothing you could ever do would satisfy him and eventually he’d start chasing women who were more worthy of him. You are precious and the person you were created to be – run away from this guy and let him find someone who “deserves” him.
Money is his priority and he is only make $90k? You’ve done well to find work that makes you happy. He sounds like a loser IN ADDITION to a terrible potential partner. The right guy will be excited that you love your work and willing to figure out the future together with both your priorities in mind.
RUN! After 40 years of marriage, I can tell you it’s never 50-50- in finances, personal sacrifice, or division of tasks. Sometimes one of us has to give more or bend more for the other knowing at other times, we will be the one most in need. This guy is looking for a business partner not a life partner.
I unwittingly married a person like this. Your boyfriend’s selfishness and poor problem solving skills will not only affect your personal life with him, they will affect his career and long-term prospects. (I won’t mention how AI may impact his role, versus yours!) He needs to feel superior to you, so if you did change jobs and got paid more money, he would find something else to tear you down about.
I unwittingly married a person like this. Your boyfriend’s selfishness and poor problem solving skills will not only affect your personal life with him, they will affect his career and long-term prospects. (I won’t mention how AI may impact his role, versus yours!) He needs to feel superior to you, so if you did change jobs and got paid more money, he would find something else to tear you down about. Look carefully at your past together: does it truly look like the foundations of a future?
You also dodged a bullet because he works in IT. I have a feeling he would become a total jerk when he walks into work one day and he is laid off with no warning which seems to be an IT thing.