“My Boyfriend Won’t Tell His Ex That He and I are Back Together”
He’s open to telling me what they do/talk about and I’ve learned that they don’t talk about me aside from that she’s asked him once (a week after he broke up with her) if we’re back together, to which he answered no. She’s told him she loves him, but he told her he couldn’t say it back because it wasn’t right. She messaged him recently (when she was drinking) saying she wants to be more than friends and she liked and misses their sex, but he didn’t respond. She decorated his desk for his birthday and was going to bake him a cake but didn’t know what kind he liked. She drives him to and from work because they have the same shifts, she treats him to lunch a lot of the time, and she crashed on the couch once and then cleaned his whole kitchen while he was sleeping.
He says he’s trying to let his coworker down nicely/slowly so it won’t seem like he left her for me because he would like to still be friends with her and not have anything awkward at work. He says I have nothing to worry about and that things will work themselves out and that the only issue is I’m being jealous. I don’t mind if they’re friends and hang out ocassionally, but I don’t understand why for the two months after they broke up he’s still keeping me a secret from her when they agreed to be friends. It hurts me and I feel that if she knew about me, we would all be better off. He knows it bothers me and I asked him when he’s going to tell her we’re together, and he just says that it will all work itself out, to trust him, and to stop worrying.
I trust him, but I feel bad for her, and I’m not sure if I should wait to see how things unfold or if I should message her myself to tell her in a polite way.
I need some advice please; I’m not sure what to do! — Second Chances
No, you shouldn’t tell the other woman that you and your boyfriend are back together, but you should take heed of this enormous red flag flying in your face. Your boyfriend is being deceitful – to her and to you. He’s trying to have his cake and eat it too. And you are completely, 100% enabling him to do just that. He’s taking major advantage of both of you.
Let me ask you: the problems that existed that prompted you to break up in the first place – were they resolved somehow while you were dating other people? If so, how? In what way? I am guessing the more likely thing is that you decided you missed each other and should get back together and so you did. Maybe your boyfriend even suggested that the issues you had would “work themselves out” and to “trust him.”
Here’s the thing: issues don’t work themselves out on their own. You have to work through them, together, with effort and commitment. I just can’t believe that someone who can’t even fully break up with the person he was dating during your breakup, has bothered to work through and commit to fixing the issues he had with you. I don’t believe it for a second. And he hasn’t fully broken up with her, I don’t care what he’s told you. Guys – people — can be really, really good about letting someone believe there’s a chance for a future together without actually committing to a relationship or “giving it a title”; there’s an awfully good chance that he’s told this other woman that he isn’t “ready for a relationship” and there’s a good chance she agreed to “slow down” and let things happen organically. So she continues carpooling with him, and cleaning his kitchen (wtf, by way!), and decorating his desk, and telling him she loves him. And your boyfriend gets to enjoy all this attention and affection. He gets to keep this poor woman on the line while he leans into whatever co-dependecy you two developed in your eight years together that made it difficult – but not impossible! – to actually break up with each other.
Maybe I’m wrong, but the signs are clearly there: your boyfriend isn’t really interested in being committed to you. He probably finds a lot of comfort in being with you – it sounds like you’re an easy girlfriend to have who doesn’t put a lot of those tedious “expectations” on a partner. But it’s time to start, beginning with expecting your boyfriend to not be leading on another woman who’s professed her love to him. If he can’t honor that really very basic of expectations, it’s time to let him go for good.
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So the OP sounds like she is about 17, so were they together at 9yrs old?
Oh hell no! He’s keeping her in the dark so she keeps up chauffeuring him and being his housemaid. I don’t know why you would trust him at all. He’s a capital J Jerk. MOA
You trust your boyfriend? Your boyfriend is a dog. He is a liar and a Jerk. Either he is keeping his co-worker around so he can cheat on you with her and if not then he is stringing her along for the free rides and more. And leading her on. He won’t tell her the truth about you because things are SO good right now for him. He has her and you. Work wife and home wife. He sounds like he has no dignity. 8 years is a long time to waste on a guy who isn’t honest or straight forward with people. Just because he treats other like that doesn’t mean he won’t treat you like that. Does something not feel right ? It’s your gut telling you this behavior is unacceptable.