“My Boyfriend’s Child is 18, but He Still Won’t Move Out”
I miss being close to my family, friends, and work, and I also want to start my own family – and feel unenthusiastic about starting a family in his family home that he shared with his ex. Also, I don’t want to be living with his adult son (in part because his adult son swears and plays video games all day and I don’t want to have a child who is exposed to that and in part because we still do the cooking, cleaning, and washing for the adult son). I don’t know what to do or if I’m being selfish asking him to leave his home and adult son to start a fresh family with me. Please help. — Ready to Move
It sounds like you made a lot of assumptions without discussing them with your boyfriend years ago. You assumed that, once his youngest child was 18 – which is barely “adult,” by the way, and more legally than emotionally, let’s be honest – your boyfriend would be ready and willing to move out of his family home and into your smaller house. You assumed that, at some point, he would be ready to let go of his house. It sounds like you even assumed that, after raising his children into adulthood, he’d be open and eager to having a second family with you and that he would want to do so not in the house that he raised his first set of kids in and that is close to his parents and extended family, but in a smaller house, far from his parents and extended family. And, really, these are pretty big assumptions to make.
I suspect that you already know that the likelihood of your boyfriend raising his kids into adulthood and then wanting to raise a new set of kids but in a smaller house this time, farther from his extended family, is fairly low and that’s probably why you’ve avoided actually discussing it extensively with your him. You’ve been spinning out on hope fumes all these years, keeping your fingers crossed it would somehow work out in your favor. But it doesn’t look like it’s going to.
Your boyfriend is not going to move into your small house and have a second set of babies with you. He’s not even going to sell his house to buy a different house so that the new family you raise together is brought up in a home he never shared with his ex-wife. He has no interest in doing that because he doesn’t want to move and he probably does not want to have more babies.H ave you even asked him if he wants more babies? If you haven’t, I bet it’s because you know what his response will be and you’re avoiding that answer because as long as you avoid reality, you can keep spinning out on hope fumes.
I’m sorry to be the one to deliver this message to you: You will never have the family you think you want with this guy. That doesn’t mean he can’t or won’t get you pregnant, but he’s not going to do so eagerly and he’s not going to sell his house and he’s not going to move from his kid and parents and other family closer to your people and set up a new family house with you. He’s already done that. And at 38, if you want to have a biological baby of your own, you better end things with this guy and get serious about that goal. You’ve still got a time left to find a new partner who shares that goal, or you can think about single motherhood and the steps you can take to make that a reality.
It’s not selfish to pursue your own dreams. But it’s a waste of time to try to pursue them with a partner who doesn’t share the same dreams. Doing so sets you up for disappointment and heartache down the road.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW 2- If you got married through the rabbinate, you will need your husband to divorce you through the rabbinate.
He and they can make it incredibly difficult for you to remove your daughter from the country if he wants.
If this is the route you’re planning, get a lawyer.
Otherwise, it seems that you’re stuck and depending on where in the country you are, isolated . Do you live near a large Anglo center? Do you speak Hebrew? Do you have other mom friends?
There are several Anglo
-Israeli parent Facebook groups, and depending on the city/town you’re in, weekly drop-in mommy-baby groups for newborn-6 months that are very welcoming. Many local malls have “mommy-baby Gymboree” which is more often than not free and just an hour a week (sometimes twice a week) to chill on a mat in the air conditioning with your squirmy babe and build up the courage to ask fellow moms for coffee after the class.
I have a friend who was exactly like you, only substitute a different home state – a one month old is overwhelming and can ramp up other overwhelming feelings, especially if you don’t have a full command if the language.
It gets better, but I can’t emphasize enough how much a support system helps
Signed,
A fellow expat Anglo mom in Northern Israel
LW1, I shudder to think of what life has been like for that 18 year old these last few years with you in the house, keeping a watch on the calendar and waiting for the day his father kicks him to the curb because he is technically an adult. Decent, loving dads don’t give their kids a handshake and wish them luck and move away at the first legal opportunity. A man who would do what you want him to do is probably not one worth having…
You nailed it! That’s exactly what I was thinking, sounds like LW thought as soon as the kid turned 18, his father would pretty much turn his back on him.
LW1, you have been sitting there waiting for your boyfriend’s kid to turn 18 so you can start your “real” family away from the remnants of the one that came before you. That is pretty fucking gross. I’m glad your boyfriend understands that fatherhood doesn’t end on a child’s 18th birthday. Without going into great detail about my own childhood, I was essentially left to figure life out on my own at 17 because my parents are shitty, selfish people. I was glad to be on my own without them calling the shots anymore and attempting to torpedo my future, but the reality is that it was very, very hard and I made a lot of mistakes and ran into some pretty desperate situations in my first few years of adulthood because I had no real safety net–not even an emotional one. I was extremely lucky that other people’s parents took me under their wing in various ways. So maybe this kid curses and plays video games a lot- he’s friggen 18 years old!- that doesn’t mean that you get to erase him from your boyfriend’s life. I’m glad your boyfriend isn’t allowing that to happen. He’s a good father for it. Get your empathy in order before you bring your own child into the world- a child who I doubt you’d want to boot out the door the moment they’re old enough to vote.
FTR, I do think the kid should be working and/or going to school and contributing to the household in some way/given responsibilities (like doing his own laundry FFS). I’m not saying he should be coddled and allowed to take advantage. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to insist he does those things, but not as a way to prove to your boyfriend that his kid needs to be shoved out the door.
I replied to LW2 in the forum, but I’ll paraphrase here.
Being a parent is forever. A parent can find a new partner, have more children with that partner, but it’s all one family. After 8 years, you should be considering your boyfriend’s son to be part of YOUR family, and you definitely should be realizing that he will be a major part of your life for as long as you’re with your boyfriend.
If you can’t accept that…if you can’t love his son and see him as family…you need to seriously reconsider this relationship.
To the LW1, this is not to any way trivialize or minimize your concerns, which sound very real, but is it possible that you are going through some kind of post partum depression? It sounds like this became a much more severe problem really quickly.
Even if not, having a one month old, especially without your support network, is pretty overwhelming. I would strongly suggest seeing a doctor and doing what you can to find some additional support with the kid. I don’t think that you are necessarily in a place to evaluate this issue in a strategic way.
It may very well be the case that you end up in the same place in terms of your decisionmaking but I don’t know if now is the time to come to important conclusions.
LW – did your BF agree to selling his house, moving closer to your work, and starting a family after his children had grown up? No where in your letter does it say that this was a plan you both agreed to. You need to sit him down and talk to him. If you want to move and start a family, you need to explicitly explain your wants and needs. Like Wendy said, don’t be surprised if this is not the future he is envisioning, but better to discover this now rather than resenting your BF’s son who is behaving like a typical teenager.
The child is 18 years old. It’s a bit much to just shove them off to the hinterland and go off on your merry sunset. Likely they are in university or college or just starting to find work. People still need support from their parents at that age. You seem selfish. I’d really think about whether that is a relationship you want.
I agree. Our son knows, although perhaps does not grasp that after he graduates he will be in college or have a full time job and contribute. That doesn’t mean he is being shoved out the door, just that he can’t be lazy and expect us to support his laziness forever. My son also doesn’t help much, plays video games all day. I truly do with hed be more motivated but he’s also a teenager and this is pretty common behavior. He is however expected to clean up after himself in all manners. Father for sure should teach son to do some housework, although it’s quite possible he does in fact do some, perhaps his own, but girlfriend needs to understand you don’t just boot your kid on graduation day.
JD –
1. That’s the most you can do with an 18 year old.
2. This is technically your step son? If so – I truly appreciate that you call him your son. Because he is. And I love that. Keep doing that.
He is my stepson. He is with us full time though with occasional visits to mom when she feels like it, although per the agreement she has much more time.
Such a kind kind gesture: you’re legally an adult now get out and go so I can start a new family with your father.
WTF woman? Seriously? How is this kid going to take care of himself? Have you tried to get a job with just a high school education in this economy? It’s not like this kid can walk to the local factor, get a job that affords him rent and car and everything else.
What is wrong with you?
I cannot fathom assuming I would get to start a “new” family with someone. Your boyfriend’s son is your family. Why would he want to raise a whole new set of kids once he is done? Did you even discuss this plan with him at all or think he would just go along with it? It sounds like a major discussion on expectations needs to be had and soon. I feel bad for the son. He’s probably known you have it out for him the entire time and is tired of being the seen as such a roadblock.
18 isn’t like a magic get-out-of-parenting age. I was the first of my close group of friends (whom most people would have considered very responsible college kids/young adults) to move out when I was 21. I would expect my children to attend college or get a job and in both cases to contribute to the household at least by helping with housework but I mean seriously!? An 18 year old can’t even rent an apartment most of the time even if they are lucky enough to get a job the moment they turn 18 with, probably, not even a high school diploma. And given that my ILs have my husband’s siblings living with them in their 30’s and it is causing a lot of problems, I take a pretty hard stance on overstaying at your parents.
LW, I’ll say to you exactly what I said to my dad when he announced that he and his girlfriend had decided that she would move in with him, leaving her 17 year old son to move in with his aunt.
Ok, I won’t say exactly what I said to my dad, because I swore at him a lot and called him an imbecile.
Assuming the kid would move out of his dad’s home and life at 18 is a big stretch. Plenty of kids not only live with their parents for longer as they save up for their own life but also come back from college breaks, holidays, and other occasions. Try embracing this part of life instead of fighting it. Enjoy the company of your in-laws and stepson. If you can’t do that, you have no business being in a relationship with someone who already has a life filled with family and love.
This is not the guy for you. This is not the relationship for you. There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want – to have children, to live where you want to live – but nothing you’ve described is compatible with that. And look – I get it. Sharing space with kids who were raised with different values can be extremely difficult – boy oh boy have I been there. But you’ve been part of this kid’s life since he was 10 and I’m pretty sure he feels your resentment.
Move on. Find the life you want and give your boyfriend the opportunity to meet someone who wants a life with the guy he is, not the one you want him to be.