“My Boyfriend’s Ex Won’t Leave Him Alone”
When we first started dating he told me that his ex was one of his best friends which immediately was a red flag for me but they broke up years ago and I figured I would just give it time and see what he meant by that. I met her and I immediately knew she would be an issue. The way she looks, talks, interacts with him is extremely flirty. Anytime I would mention something, like: “Hey…. don’t you think that was a little inappropriate?” He always brushes it off like he didn’t notice it or says I’m just being paranoid, which began creating tension in our relationship so now I keep my thoughts and feelings about it to myself. I’ve never been a jealous person, but it’s obvious what’s happening with the ex.
Unfortunately, they work together so I see her often and she has literally never said a word to me. She won’t even look at me and anytime I’m around she acts like I’m not even there. She still texts and calls my boyfriend all hours of the day, she finds her way into family functions and gatherings, and she still says “I love you” to him. I do trust my boyfriend. Any free time he has, he’s with me. I’ve seen the texts and he jumps around the flirtation. But she always finds a way back in his life and he doesn’t say anything to stop it. I found out a few days ago that she actually lives in the same neighborhood as us, a few streets down. I didn’t tell him but in my head I lost it because what else? I understand being friendly and on good terms with your ex but every time I turn around, she’s there and it’s too much.
Am I the one in the wrong and just being paranoid? Is he not over his ex? What should I do if I want to continue this relationship? I love him so much and I just don’t want to waste time on someone who isn’t over their ex and be heart broken down the line. — Tried of Ex-cessive Ex-Communication
Wait, do you two live together? You mention that you recently learned that the ex-girlfriend lives in the same neighborhood as you two, a few streets down, which leads me to believe you must share a home. This is an important detail to include because it changes the dynamic on your relationship. You aren’t simply two people in a two-year relationship; you are two people who are committed to each other enough to share a home. And yet, for the entirety of your relationship, you have felt unease about the nature of your boyfriend’s friendship with his ex-girlfriend? A woman who has never even spoken a word to you or even looked at you? And when you bring your concerns to your boyfriend, he dismisses you and calls you “paranoid”? And now, because of the tension this has caused in your relationship, you keep your thoughts and feelings about this issue – this issue that you most likely think about every single day, to yourself?
Listen, I don’t know what’s going on between your boyfriend and his ex, but I’m concerned – and you should be, too – about what’s going on between the two of you. By dismissing your concerns and gaslighting you by calling you paranoid, your boyfriend is disrespecting not just you but your relationship and the commitment you have to each other. He’s not listening to your concerns, he is not using words or behavior to assure you that you come first and that he cares about your feelings. It doesn’t seem he has done one single thing to make you feel more comfortable with the nature of his friendship with his ex.
For the record, things he could have done over the past two years include: introducing you to his ex and fostering a friendship between the two of you to ease any tension; creating some boundaries with his ex by altering communication (no more texting and calling “all hours of the day”); telling you he hears you and he understands where you’re coming from and asking what YOU need to feel better about his relationship with his ex. Your boyfriend is not behaving like a loving, investing partner, and if he’s making you feel like you can’t share your thoughts and feelings about this issue, I have to wonder how and really IF the rest of your relationship is as “great” as you claim it is.
I’m not trying to pick on you here, but I hope you’ll see my reply as it’s intended: a wake-up call to really consider whether you’re happy in this relationship and feel valued. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to express concerns and have those concerns heard and validated. Your feelings should be prioritized. In a healthy, happy relationship the people closest to your boyfriend – say, someone he says is “one of his best friends” – should be people he wants you to know, people he’d at least want to acknowledge your existence instead of ignoring you.
You’re not “just being paranoid.” You’re not overreacting. If anything, I’d say you are under-reacting. I bet the people who genuinely care about you might say the same thing. I know if you were my daughter and you came to me with this issue, it would be all I could do not to tell you to leave the guy, it would be all I could do not to say he doesn’t deserve you. You aren’t my daughter and I don’t have to worry about disrupting our relationship so I’ll say it: you deserve better than this.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW, Wendy got it right.
I am close friends with my husband’s ex (he introduced us) and none of what you described is happening for us. They are friends. But I would argue that she and I are closer than they are.
Don’t let your boyfriend disregard your feelings. You have a right to them. But consider whether or not this is something you want for the rest of your relationship. Because as Wendy said: you deserve better.
He might not still be into his ex, but it sounds like she is still very much into him. She is being territorial, and for some reason he is indulging her. The biggest red flag is that she rudely ignores you, and he lets her. Nope, that’s not okay.
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