“My Boyfriend’s Kids are Interfering With Our Relationship”
Paul has four kids, one of whom left before we started seeing each other, one who left afterward, and one who just moved in with his mother, leaving just one living with Paul. The one at home is 17 and Paul doesn’t want to leave him alone. I have been very understanding of this, but I haven’t seen him for two months now and would like us to have some one-on-one time together. I also told him that I’m tired of being the one doing all the travel to see each other. He was understanding about how I felt, and we made plans to meet up halfway between us in two weeks to do some camping. But he is only giving me three days as he is uncomfortable leaving the son for longer than that.
We have been making plans for when the kids all leave home to move to a town and live together, but that’s not going to be for a year or two yet. My concern is that the kids, who would come stay with us for periods of time, are very lazy in the house. Paul does everything: cooking, cleaning, washing up, house work — you name it he does it. I have raised my concerns and Paul says that when we move in together, it will be different as it will be our home. But my argument is that, if you don’t start making them be team players now, it’s not going to happen later and that I will be the bad witch in their eyes.
I love Paul very much but I am feeling hesitant about our relationship and the future. Can you please give me your advice on this matter? — Team Player
You’re being unreasonable across the board, really. True, your boyfriend’s son who still lives with him isn’t a young child, but he isn’t an adult either. He’s 17 and, depending on maturity level, most likely still requires daily adult supervision. Not wanting to be away from his son for more than three days is totally reasonable, and, if you want more time with him than that, you SHOULD continue being the one to travel to see him. If you aren’t okay with those arrangements and believe your travel burden should be split 50/50, you probably shouldn’t be in a long-distance relationship with someone who has under-aged kids living at home. You either have to accept that he’s a parent with responsibilities that demand his time and attention away from you, or you MOA. That’s how it goes when you date someone with kids.
In regards to the future and your concern that, when you live together, his kids won’t be “team players” because they haven’t been taught domestic responsibilities thus far: how much of a “team” are you and your boyfriend planning to be with his grown kids who have moved out? Are you expecting his kids to move in with you guys? Because if they’re just visiting here and there, they shouldn’t be expected to do too many domestic chores anyway. Would you expect other house guests to clean or cook or do other housework? If, however, you expect these kids to live with you for extended periods such as two weeks or longer, your concerns are valid and are definitely worth more discussions with Paul. You need to be clear with him about what your expectations are when his kids are with you. And you need to be clear about the boundaries you have in terms of his kids living with you. Will you have space for them? Under what circumstances would you approve of them moving in or staying with you? How often do you expect them to visit and how long do you expect them to stay?
Obviously, when you date someone who has four kids, they are going to be a big part of your partner’s life. But as they grow up and leave the nest, which three of your boyfriend’s four kids have already done, they become less and less present in a day-to-day sense and the responsibility of caring for them decreases exponentially. If you love Paul and he loves you, and he is so close to having an empty nest, I’d just hang in there and accept that, though he has restrictions on the time and attention he can devote to you because of his parenting responsibilities, that won’t always be the case and the end is close in sight. His four kids will always be part of his life, obviously, and there are compromises and sacrifices that, as his partner, you’ll have to make to accommodate them, but, if those sacrifices are minimal in relation to the joy and love your relationship brings you, suck it up. Pick your battles. And let go of your need to have it 100% your way. That won’t fly in any relationship, let alone where kids are involved.
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My father married the Wicked Witch when we were in our late teens/early 20’s. We were in college but still came home for breaks and summers. We had PT jobs but still weren’t financially independent. She resented our presence and every dime he gave us. She wanted him all to herself. She was insensitive to his bond with his children. The marriage didn’t last a year.
Although you say you get on well with the kids and understand his bond with them, the tone of your letter suggests that you are really just tolerating them and look forward to the time that they are virtually out of your lives. I think you underestimate how many more years the 17 year old will be with you and that the children are way more important in his life than you realize. Don’t be that Wicked Witch . It won’t end well for you.
You are absolutely right about that!
Dear LW: Realistically, YOU aren’t being a team player in your relationship. Everything is not nor ever will be 50/50 all the time… or even most of the time.
Also, I agree that it is annoying when teens and young adults are not expected to do basic household chores, but you came into the game too late here to really have any effect on their doing so. It will be a shock to them once they start living on their own/with roommates, and I personally think parents do their kids a disservice when they don’t impart basic knowledge like how to do your own damn laundry, but that really isn’t something you can help with without being the bad guy at this point.
I agree that laundry (and other chores) is something parents should definitely teach their kids a while before they go off into the real world. I learned a lot during my first year in college… Not for lack of trying, I asked my mom to teach me how to do laundry way before I left and it kept getting put off until it was almost too late!
P.S. My father’s 3rd wife embraced us like we were her own children. He died years ago but we still treat her like she’s our own mother.
As much as I am for general equality in relationships, 50-50 travel responsibilities doesn’t work when one party has a legitimate reason not to be able to travel that much. And having kids (or a kid) living at home is a very legitimate reason to not be able to leave. It sounds like the reason they are long-distance is the LW’s job and it sounds like not everyone’s been as supportive as he is about that fact, but it is requiring a bit more accommodation on the LW’s behalf in this relationship. If the LW can’t take these relationship compromises (and future ones about the kids being in her life), she should get probably out. But the guy seems like a pretty nice and understanding guy and if he’s worth it, the LW’s gotta be way more understanding of his situation.
When you date someone with kids, you don’t get to decide his relationships with them.
It sounds like Paul is a good man and a good dad and three days away to see you is probably about two more days than he’s comfortable with – and he’d be right to feel that way when he is emotionally, legally, and morally responsible for the kid currently living at home. You’re looking to join a family, not just a partner, and you won’t have Paul all to yourself for some time ahead – and never exclusively. If you are away a lot and his responsibilities keep him at home a lot, then maybe you should be spending more time with him at home (if you both agree this is a good thing to do), and see if the family life suits you both, really? If you do spend more time there, maybe you can engage the kids in “doing something special for Dad” and model helpfulness and teamwork around the house in a positive way. It’s delicate ground you’ve got to tread on to be inclusive with the kids while finding some space for you and Paul as a couple (with his help of course) – are you up for it?
Here is a radical concept, LW… If you want to date somebody unencumbered and unburdened by kids… Try dating somebody WITHOUT kids…
In my opinion, some of the responses here are a little harsh. LW, I think you just have to decide what your own dealbreakers are. It’s certainly understandable if you’re not happy with the amount of time Paul can spend with you and with doing all the travelling. It’s Paul’s call to decide that he won’t leave the 17-year-old alone for more than three days, but you can decide that you need more one-on-one time together and MOA. I personally think there must be some way for Paul to make more time for you (maybe the 17-year-old could stay with a relative or friend) and it’s his choice not to do so.
As for the chores, I honestly believe it’s too late for you to have any influence on that. I would be really hesitant about moving in with Paul as long as he still lives with some of his kids, personally I would postpone that until they’ve moved out (which may be a long time). If you do move in, you’ll have to accept that he doesn’t involve the kids in the housekeeping. It’s stupid IMO, but it’s his prerogative to do this. It doesn’t mean YOU have to clean up after them. But seriously, don’t move in with him if you can already see this conflict coming.
All in all I just think that maybe he can’t give you enough. It’s not wrong for you to want more – quasi-adult children are not an excuse for everything – but you can’t change his priorities and if you can’t compromise, then MOA.
I re-read the letter and notice they only want to move in together when the kids have left the home. OK, that’s good. But then I don’t understand why LW is so worried about the chore issue. If the kids don’t live with them and just visit, then surely this can’t be such a big deal? At least it doesn’t seem like LW will be affected much by it.
His kids will always come first. Always. And that’s exactly as it should be.
If that doesn’t sound like a situation you want to be in, MOA.
This letter is just more proof that most people are not cut out for relationships with people with kids. A 17 year old should not be left overnight by himself, in my opinion. He is still a minor and something bad could happen, and Paul would be responsible.
Stuff like this just makes me angry.
IDK. As a 17-year-old I traveled on my own with a friend and I was a camp leader watching over younger children (there was usually just one person present who was over 18 at those camps). It shouldn’t be the rule for a 17-year-old to be left alone overnight, but it’ts OK if it happens from time to time. At 18, people go to college. At a certain point you have to let them develop and leave them some freedom. Overprotection until you turn 18 and then total freedom isn’ta great strategy. I’m not the US though, and I think attitudes are more relaxed in Europe.
My husband has an almost 17 year old… and I certainly wouldn’t leave her alone for even a few days. It could be a maturity level thing and it could be that he knows he is the 17-year-old’s father and responsible for him and knows that it’s not a good idea to leave for an extended period of time.
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You sound like you pretty much just tolerate his kids. They will be a part of his life forever. Most kids don’t move out at 18, many kids come home after college or as adults for varying reasons. That’s what they did. You need to either embrace your role in their lives or move on. I couldn’t imagine being jealous or resentful of time/energy/etc being spent on my husband’s kids. I love them as if they were my own. I don’t think about when they’re gone and he and I can be just the two of us… I think about – we’ll have to keep a room in case one of them needs a place to stay and what we’ll do when there are grandkids and a lot of other things. It will never be just you and him, he will always have 4 kids.
I think the 17 year old thing could go either way – at 17 I had graduated high school and was gearing up to start college in a couple of months. My brother at 17 was still in high school and doing a lot of partying. Ultimately it’s up to the parents to determine what’s right for their kids. It’s just weird to me to think parents wouldn’t leave a 17 year old alone based solely on age. Kids need to learn some independence, otherwise college is going to be a real shock. The people I knew with parents who did every single chore, never left them alone, woke them up in the mornings for school, etc. are the ones that had a hard time adjusting to college and ultimately dropped out. There’s no hard and fast rule and every teenager has a different level of maturity, but some 17 year olds are perfectly fine on their own.
I think the LW needs to look deeper at the relationship between Paul and his children. It sounds like he either got divorced not long before the LW and him started dating, and/or his children may not have a good relationship with their mother. I find it interesting that all four had been living him and now one lives with his/their mother (do they all have the same mother?) and one still lives with Paul. I would think that situation could be pretty stressful on the 17 year old son, whether or not he admits it. Paul may feel like he needs to be home to make sure his son has a positive relationship with at least one of his parents.
There are lots of reasons besides the kid being immature or having a party for the dad to not want to leave him alone. Many of the kids here only have a learners permit to drive until they are 18 because the cost of car insurance is so high that parents wait until the kid is 18 and the rate is cheaper to let the kid get a regular driver’s license. So dad might need to be home to drive his son to activities and/or a job and/or summer school. Since dad has four kids he may be sharing a car with his son and if he takes the car to meet his girlfriend then the kid is still stranded with no way to get to activities or a job unless he can find rides even if he has a license. They may not live near any relatives so have no one to check up on him while dad is away. Maybe the son isn’t wild and wouldn’t hold a party but wouldn’t be forceful enough to tell other kids to leave if they showed up and held a party at his house. I assume the dad knows the situation and knows what will work and what is too much time away.
My parents left us alone for a long weekend once when I was 16 and my brother was 17. They had neighbors check up on us/invite us to dinner (the same neighbors who were watching my 10 year old brother). That didn’t stop my older brother from having a big party that weekend. One of my brother’s friends managed to put a giant hole in the wall in the basement, since they were playing a game called ‘who can jump from the highest step’. The kid broke his ankle. My brother had the sense about him to take him to the ER. He told his friend’s parents that he had tripped down the stairs (luckily, there was no alcohol involved, so this was a plausible story). Then my brother stopped at Home Depot, and came home and patched the wall. The *only* reason my parents found out about the whole thing was because he had to paint the wall a couple of times to hide the patch, and the house still smelled like paint when they got home.
I get tired of all this stuff about how parents are irresponsible if they don’t make their kids do chores and how the kids will be in for a shock or maybe not even know how to function when they’re on their own. In my family we almost never had chores. I had to empty the dishwasher when asked (no more than once a week, I bet) and if there was company coming, we all pitched in for a deep clean (once or twice a year?). I think my brothers had to mow the lawn occasionally. (yes, traditional gender roles yadda yadda.) I never did my own laundry. I come from a large family and though it sounds counterintuitive, my mother found it quicker (even in the long run) to do things herself rather than wait for us to do them, nag us to do them, etc etc. The laundry was partly about cost as it costs more to have everyone doing individual loads. Also, my mother had to do a LOT of chores when she was a kid and teenager and she wanted us to be more free and have more of a “childhood” than she did. Maybe she went to the other extreme, but it’s hard to blame her. Anyone who knew us probably thought we were deeply spoiled because we didn’t have chores.
Guess what? My parents raised us with good values and work ethics through other methods. When I went away to college, I figured out how laundry worked and I kept my room clean the way I’d been taught a room should be. When I moved into an apartment, I did the same. My siblings are all clean, functioning members of society.
So basically with a 17 year old you probably have only 1 year or so to wait until the kid is off to college. When you are dating someone with kids you need to think in geological time, not your immediate needs. Sounds like the 4th kid will be fledged the nest soon enough. Meanwhile you cannot just leave a teenager to their own devises. I think you either need to be patient or don’t date someone with kids.
I see your concerns and I wouldn’t call him “ parenting at all “.. what he is doing is not teaching life skills , responsibilities or a reality cue anytime soon. This kid is 17 and 1 year off being called and adult.?? In the world of developmental psychology it would be seen close to permissive parenting rarther that an authority figure.
I think a weekend is about the right amount of time to leave a teenager alone. I feel like you and Paul have to be on the same page about chores. Now is a great time for him to start getting his kids to learn. Actually, ten years ago was a good time for Paul to teach his kids chores. Definitely don’t allow Paul to change the house rules when you too move in together it will be a great excuse for his kids to hate you. I have a niece whose parents never taught her chores. They literally flew from the west coast to the East coast in her 2 years of college to teach her how to clean. Maybe have some fore thought and teach it earlier. Parents who set their children up to fail.