“I’m Embarrassed That My Daughter Calls My Boyfriend ‘Stepdad'”

Dad and daughter

I’ve been living with my boyfriend for a year now, and I have a daughter, Carol, from my previous marriage. Lately, she’s been insinuating that he’s her stepdad. I’m very embarrassed because he’s never brought up marriage. I feel that unless you’re engaged or married, your kids should refrain from calling your partner stepdad or stepmom. Should I tell Carol to stop saying that? I don’t want my boyfriend to feel pressured. It makes me uncomfortable. — Too Embarrassed to Pressure Him

If you had never discussed marriage/long-term commitment with your boyfriend, why would you move in with him with your daughter? If the topic of marriage is so awkward for you to bring up and you’re so worried about your boyfriend feeling pressured into something, you had no business moving in with him and making him a father-like figure in your daughter’s life. What’s going on with your logic and priorities that you’re more concerned about your own discomfort and your boyfriend’s discomfort than your daughter’s feelings? She’s calling your boyfriend her stepdad because he’s a man who’s romantically involved with her mother and lives with both of them. It’s understandable that she thinks of him as a father figure.

Rather than confuse her further by telling her to stop calling him that, you and your boyfriend need to be adults and work out your own confusion. What are your plans? What do you want from each other? Where do you see this relationship headed? Instead of waiting for your boyfriend to bring up marriage, bring it up yourself. It’s beyond time. Pull on your big girl pants and say, “Hey, Carol’s been calling you stepdad lately. I know that legally that isn’t your role, but you are a father figure to her, and she loves you and I love you and how about we make it official?” If he feels “pressured” a year after living with a single mother and her daughter, then he isn’t the guy for you and you need to MOA. Even if you don’t feel like you deserve the security of knowing the man you’ve lived with for a year wants to spend his life with you, your daughter certainly does.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

17 Comments

  1. RedRoverRedRover says:

    Poor kid. 🙁 She’s just trying to make sense of the relationships in her life. Unless she’s an older teen, which it doesn’t sound like she is, you can’t ask her to stop calling him that. Wendy’s right, sort it out with him (it’s beyond time). Either he shouldn’t be living there, or you should know his role in your daughter’s life and it should be completely clear to her. And this is the perfect opening, because as in Wendy’s example you can use it as an excuse to bring up the subject.
    .
    And I know you’re afraid that bringing it up will make him run. But, isn’t it better to know sooner rather than later? If he’s not planning on sticking around, wouldn’t you rather be rid of him and have the chance to find someone who is? If not for you, at least for your daughter.

  2. What is it about this that makes you that uncomfortable? Is it the fact that you don’t feel comfortable with where the relationship is or is headed? I have to wonder too how old your daughter is. Have you talked at all about what he is to her? Or what his being in your life means? If you’re uncomfortable ask him if he is. And if you want to ask him if your relationship is headed towards marriage or where you see it going you should ask him. Wendy is right that if you’re living together and have been together for a year and you can’t even approach that topic, you do have a problem. Why be embarrassed? Why does he have to be the one to bring it up?

  3. Avatar photo Raccoon eyes says:

    Yeah, LW, Im with (most) everyone else so far. This isnt really the hill you need to be making your stand on. In my opinion, unless your daughter is calling him her uncle or something actually somewhat inappropriate, you dont really have any say in what she calls him. It is telling that your daughter’s age isnt included. Again, not that I think it matters…but has it occurred to you that HE has spoken to HER about it and is ok with it all? Since you are so hesitant to bring up YOUR relationship with YOUR live-in boyfriend, and all. Also, you say she “insinuated” it- I read that as meaning she is at least, say 12, or so- which means that no matter what, you also need to have a heart-to-heart with her about the situation.

  4. I completely agree that moving in without discussing the boyfriend’s role with regard to the daughter was a problematic move. I don’t think marriage is necessarily the answer though, at worst you’ll move too quickly into a marriage after moving in too quickly, and the end result could still be the same (separation after a few years etc.). Why not just to the boyfriend and discuss what role he should play in your daughter’s life, including what would happen if the two of you separated?

  5. Yeah, what your daughter is calling your boyfriend isn’t the real issue here. It’s that you have no idea where your relationship is going and don’t feel secure enough to talk to your live-in boyfriend of over a year about it. That would suck if it were just you, but add your daughter to the mix and it’s really irresponsible, to put it mildly.
    .
    Your daughter is attached to this guy and sees him as a father figure. You owe it to her to talk to him to see if that’s where his head is at with your relationship right now. If it is, great. If it isn’t, then one of you needs to move out before your daughter gets even more attached, and therefore more hurt, than she already is.
    .
    Something tells me that since you’re “embarrassed” and afraid to talk to your boyfriend and wish your daughter would stop inadvertently forcing the issue, that you think your boyfriend will bolt of you talk to him about this. If that’s the case, then he shouldn’t have moved in in the first place. Let him go and show your daughter that a strong woman doesn’t need to cling to a man she’s afraid to even talk about her relationship with just out of fear of being alone. You are this girl’s role model for how relationships should be. Would you want her to be living with a guy who only stays because it’s easy and no pressure? Hopefully, your response to that question would be “no.” So why settle for that yourself?

  6. dinoceros says:

    I infer from this that you haven’t had a conversation about where the relationship is headed, which should have happened way before you moved him in. If a kid that he is living with calling him “stepdad” scares him off, then you shouldn’t even be with him to begin with. Time to actually talk to him about whether you have a future together and make sure that he is willing to be a father figure, because you’ve already made him one.

  7. findingtheearth says:

    I think she also has to be careful when talking to him about it. She should not emotionally manipulate him into staying in the relationship and/or living with them. It does not appear that is a road she has taken, but it is a good thing to keep in mind. Overall, LW: talk to him.

  8. Avatar photo Guy Friday says:

    Wait. Did I miss somewhere in the letter or replies where the boyfriend is uncomfortable or offended by this? Or the biological dad? Because I understand talking it out if it’s causing friction, but without that it sounds like it’s all in the LW’s head and the boyfriend is just taking it for what it is: a child’s sign of affection toward him and the role he has in her life. And if that’s the case, who cares what the kid calls the boyfriend?

  9. M’s sister used her kids to “pressure” us about getting married. She explained that she felt the kids would be confused, as I had been around for a couple years at that point, if they didn’t know for sure whether they should call me “Uncle Diablo” or just by my name. It was actually quite funny, because the kids, who were then roughly 11 and 8, couldn’t have cared less. They were fine without the “Uncle,” and totally understood that i was M’s partner who lived with her. It was her sister who was hung up on this. My point is that kids are generally much more fluid about societal roles, because they are still in the process of learning about what they are/should be anyway. It’s adults who are rigid and demand everything be clearly defined. For the record, we got married some time after everyone stopped bugging us about it, and then the kids started calling me “uncle.” And no one is scarred for life. As long as I’m being so smug and all, I should also add that M and I are the only siblings from either side of our families who have never been through a divorce, so nyah! As for the LW, stop manufacturing drama. Everything’s fine.

  10. LW, what would you like your daughter to call him ?
    Stranger who sleeps with my mom? Uncle so and so ?
    Would you feel they are more accurate ways for a young girl to address someone who is always in her house?

  11. Like everyone else, I don’t think this is *really* about your daughter referring to him as her stepdad. I mean… what else should she say? “Mom’s boyfriend” gets old. Here’s the thing – I don’t think you have to be married to be a “stepparent” – I think you need to be in a committed relationship in which you’ve discussed roles as parents or caregivers. I was my bonus kids’ stepmom long before we were married. We weren’t sure at first that we’d ever get married, but we were clear (before even have me meet the kids) that we were in a committed, long-term relationship. That’s what’s important. I have to wonder how he feels about being referred to that way. If you not only date, but MOVE IN with someone with kids, then the label should be one you happily accept. Otherwise you’re in the wrong relationship.

  12. I can definitely relate to Carol. My step-dad (now married to my mom) lived with us when I was growing up, and my mom and he didn’t get married until I was in college. Even in the first year of us living with him, as a kid it felt really complex and not indicative of our relationship to say, “My mom’s boyfriend, who we’ve lived with for a while now, and who is like a step-father to us but isn’t really our step-father because they’re not married…” and I would resort to just calling him my step-dad to others. When addressing him in person, I would call him by his name (still do).

  13. Monkeysmommy says:

    No, marriage is not for everyone. But when you have children that you clearly have custody of most of the time, it is no longer just about what you want. I personally cannot imagine moving a man into my house, but telling my kid not to think of him as a stepfather. That would just scream selfish. And in the spirit of full disclosure, I did move a man in with me and my children; they were 5 and 7 at the time. Now they are 13 and 15, and that man still lives with me; as my husband- we married within a year of his moving in. My kids don’t call him stepdad however; they call him Dad. (And yes, they have a bio father who is around.).
    *
    Maybe you should work on setting a better example, OP. Your daughter is in 6th grade, which would make her 11-12. I have one of those myself, and let me tell you, they understand a whole lot more at that age than kids used to. If she is pushing for legal marriage, maybe she is embarrassed over mom shacking up. But really, if your boyfriend is planning long term, who cares if she calls him step dad? Just when does she do this, anyway? If it’s to her teachers, friends, etc., see my previous comment.

  14. Bittergaymark says:

    This letter is interesting — add me to the chorus of those curious as to what exactly the LW wants her daughter to call the guy. I mean, clearly he IS playing the role of stepfather here.

  15. Wendy is spot on! She said everything I was thinking in a classier way.

  16. I’m guessing maybe she and her daughter moved in with HIM, and she’s afraid if he feels pressured he’ll kick them out.

  17. My boyfriend and I lived together for many years before we got married. Early on, my kids started referring to him as their stepdad, which he was honoured by.
    The only person who wasn’t happy was their “natural” dad. Every time they referred to their “stepdad”, he would correct them (“No he’s not your stepdad, he’s not married to your mum.”), which just caused upset.
    My point is that if this is the name that LW’s daughter wants to give him, great!
    But if LW or her boyfriend aren’t comfortable with that, then they should reconsider their relationship. Single parents come as a package with their kids.

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