“My Daughter Refuses to Invite my Mother to Her Wedding”
My daughter is getting married next year, and she and her fiancé, who have high-paying professional jobs, are paying for the wedding themselves. My daughter has been very vocal about refusing to invite my mother to the wedding. Her fiancé and his family, as well as her cousins and siblings, support this decision. I’m torn.
On the one hand, she only wants people she loves and who love her steadfastly to be there, and my mother has been vocally unsupportive of my daughter and her relationship for years. My mother has insulted my daughter’s fiancé for his race as well as for his job. On the other hand, my mother is the only family member not invited.
My daughter and her fiancé recently announced to my mother that she was not invited. This occurred when she was trying to insert her own plans for their wedding, such as telling them to have it at church even though my daughter and her fiancé are non-religious. This resulted in my mother yelling, and my daughter and her fiancé first defending themselves and then, when my mother wouldn’t calm down, leaving. My mother then burst into tears and asked why my daughter hates her. She is now urging my siblings and me to convince my daughter to change her mind.
My husband has said he will support my daughter and her decision, as will I. But I don’t know what to do to make this situation better. — Mother of the Bride, Daughter of the Uninvited
This one is easy: your daughter and her fiancé are paying for their own wedding and you have absolutely ZERO say in whom they invite. The end, period. If you are honest in saying that you take steps to protect your daughter from her abusive grandmother, you will wholeheartedly support her decision to not invite the woman to her wedding.
Now, as for how to “make this situation better,” I can only assume you mean, how can you manage your mother’s feelings and behavior around this decision. And the answer to that is also simple: you can’t. You have no control over how your mother reacts or behaves to anything. If you did, I imagine you would never have let her verbally abuse your daughter (or you or any of your other loved ones she’s managed to alienate over the years). Your mom is going to behave the way she wants to behave.
The good news is you CAN control your own reaction and behavior. And you know what you should do? Refuse to discuss the wedding with your mother. Tell her she’s not invited because she has alienated your daughter and her fiancé and they don’t want her there and it’s out of your control and the topic is not up for discussion. Then when she tries to discuss it with you, as you know she will, change the topic. If she keeps bringing it back to the wedding, leave/stop talking to her. Take a cue from your daughter and set some boundaries.
I understand how difficult it must be say no to the woman who raised you and whom, I’m sure, you no doubt love despite her flaws and her mistreatment of her children and grandchildren. But setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad daughter. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your mother. It means you love yourself (and your daughter) enough to say “enough!”.
Go to your daughter’s wedding and enjoy yourself and celebrate the love she shares with her husband-to-be and be proud of how you raised a woman strong enough to stand up for herself, financially stable enough to throw her own wedding, and confident enough to stand by her decisions. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about—and so much to celebrate.
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why would you want your mother there?? she sounds absolutely horrible, and you should be supporting your DAUGHTER in her decision. why would you want to subject her to abuse from anyone?
maybe if your mother wasn’t such a huge asshole, she’d be invited to family functions. now YOU be a good mother and support your daughter.
Amen!
Has the mother always been like this or is it a behavior that manifested in recent years? If it is not the way she has always acted, then I would question whether it is perhaps the result of some neurological event or ongoing issue.
Your mother has a personality problem which is her problem and not yours. Firmly let her know that anything to do with the wedding is strictly not up not up for discussion
An idea: record every one of your mother’s tirades. Next time she wonders why she’s being ostracized, play them back for her.
Perfecto, Wendy!
“Sorry, It’s her choice” {shrug}
Not sorry.
I am against petty bickering and power games when it comes to weddings, but also, the event should be a happy one and anyone who will detract from the joy and happiness in a very huge way should not be invited. An invitation is not a right. Hopefully she will learn one day that her behavior is isolating her from her family and change, but the focus now should be on the couple’s joy and hosting a wonderful celebration.
Wendy, you nailed it.
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The only thing I would add is to ask your mother why she would expect to be invited to a wedding when she’s done nothing but insult the couple for years? Weddings are for people who support and celebrate a couple.
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Your mother chose to live her life as a hateful bitch. She made an active choice to be that way every time she opened her mouth to inflict pain on someone. There’s a price to pay for that, and now your mother is paying it, in the alienation of her family. You can be sad that she’s chosen to behave that way, but there’s not a single thing you can do about the consequences.
This. Grandma needs to realize that being a shitty person has consequences.
I’ll bet everything I have that the grandmother would never admit to being insulting or hurtful in any way, she’ll just find a way to portray herself as the victim (this is honestly a talent some people have!) and probably deny having done anything “wrong”, call all her family “ungrateful” for “everything she has done for them”, list goes on.
She’s getting what she deserves anyway, it’s good that someone is strong enough to set some boundaries.
Grandma likely considers herself as being “honest”. And nobody has ever had the guts to tell her she’s just mean.
You said it. It’s nice to see horrible people actually get the treatment they have earned themselves. Too often they get to continue their hostile behaviour under the guise of ‘family’ because nobody wants to upset the apple cart.
I have seen so many families just ripped apart because there is one bad apple (in terms of how they treat people) and one enabler. It is a sure-fire way for a family to end up in constant chaos year after year.
LW – your mother is an adult & chooses the way she treats people. The way she treats people has foreseeable consequences. You’re protecting her from learning that insulting people means you end up without people around. You’re actually helping to keep her the way she is by not setting boundaries because she knows you’ll step in and try to smooth things over. Let her feel the weight of her choices. Maybe she’s stop being such a jerk.
Why couldn’t you just tell your mother the truth when she asks why your daughter hates her. It sounds like she needs to hear the truth, because she doesn’t understand how bad she is hurting people. It is time to stop trying to make things better and lying to your mother about how she treats people.
Totally agree. The right answer when your mother asks why your daughter hates her is to tell her the freaking truth. You told us, now tell her.
I have a relative that is similar (but not nearly as bad, I wouldn’t go so far as to say “abusive”). In the past we had let this person walk all over us, but recently have begun telling them the truth– that their opinion is not welcome and that we sometimes don’t want to spend time with them because of the way they act. While it hasn’t FIXED the problem, it has helped immensely in getting them to dial it back. I’m sure they’re thinking the same things, but at least now we don’t have to hear it. Maybe your mother would shut up if someone told her that was the reason she was being cut out of your daughter’s wedding?
I fully admit this could backfire or just not work… but what if it did?
Yes, agreed!
Lw, I’m sorry you grew up a mother like this. It must have been really hard, and it’s understandable that you have a desire for your mom to be happy and included, even if she’s treated those around her so poorly. However, as Wendy said, you must back your daughter up on this. Having some consequences for her painful treatment of them over the years may actually do your mom some good. I like the suggestion of asking her why in the world she would expect to be invited, given the hateful things she’s said, and from then on tell her the subject is closed when she brings it up. It might also help you, too, to start setting some boundaries with your mom. You are not obligated to see, spend time with, or take care of someone who treats your poorly. You can set limits on how often you see her, for how long, and what kind of interactions you have with her, and you should not feel guilty about that. Even if sure tries to guilt you, if she cries, or uses other manipulative behavior. If she’s affecting your happiness, and she’s clearly affecting the happiness of your family, some time with a therapist or counselor might help you set good boundaries and let go of any negative feelings
Yes to therapy, grandma needs boundaries that the LW has tried work-arounds to before which aren’t working anymore. It’s time for a more direct approach and she needs the support to do it.
LW you are going to hear about this over and over from your mother. The only thing you can do is remove yourself from the middle of this. Do not advocate for your mother. When your mother starts complaining and begging and crying all you have to say is “She’s told you exactly why. This is her decision and I support her.” If she wants more information, she can call up her granddaughter and ask. Your daughter sounds like an intelligent woman with a strong spine. You raised her, be proud of her.
Normal, sane adults don’t need to be managed with complex contingency plans. Toddlers and infants need contingency plans.
Yes, this is the answer you need to use.
Yes! Thank god someone is finally standing up to her. Also Wendy, there’s an adorable typo in there that says “wahen” when you meant to type “when” and I imagined you typing it when your baby started “wah-wah”ing! It was just a funny image in my head 🙂
Ha – thanks. That’s what happens when I type one-handed with a baby on my lap.
A typical moment in a multitasking super mom’s life
Just be honest, LW.
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“Well, gee… Mother. Apparently, inviting deranged racists and all around horrible cunts somehow just isn’t in vogue this season. Sorry, about that. Maybe there is a local KKK rally you can attend instead.”
I laughed so hard at this I drooled a little bit. Very attractive.
Also, now I imagine Mother in a vintage Chanel suit and a KKK mask.
Tell your mom that it’s up to her to make apologies to the couple and mend bridges if she wants to be included at the wedding and she has a year until the wedding to do so. As to telling her why her granddaughter “hates” her, you can tell her the truth about her past behavior and give her specific examples because she won’t understand generalities.
I’ve heard old grannies say a lot worse than the wedding should be in a church.
Um… Being racist to the groom is… uh… pretty fucking bad.
Absolutely. And that’s why grannie has to have it explained to her in very short words: “Granny, she dislikes you because you called her fiancé a **** , she dislikes you because you said he was only marrying her for a green card, she dislikes you because called her fiancé trash. That was very rude and you don’t get a pass because you are old and that’s just how you talk. She doesn’t want you at the wedding because it would be like having Archie Bunker . She doesn’t want you to embarrass her or ruin the wedding celebration.”
That’s my favorite part about her wondering why she’s not invited to the wedding! What, they’re mad that I insulted the groom’s race??? How touchy . . .
I’m sure there’s a “But I’m only telling them the truth!” rationalizzation in there somewhere.
Someone who has felt entitled to hurt and put down their family their entire lives are not going to ‘understand’ – basically because they are entitled, and have never had to face boundaries and consequences. Well done to the bride for having her priorities in the right place. This ‘old granny’ did not only make a comment about the church, she also insulted the bridegroom’s race, and consequently his entire family.
Your mother is a verbally abusive whacko who needs a special “procedure” in place to make her presence at a wedding tolerable, and you are even questioning that your daughter doesn’t want to invite her? I’m all about big weddings and acquiescing to certain customs and cultural events in order to make family happy, but, in this circumstance the best and only thing you can do to “make it better” is to do nothing. Let your daughter leave your mother out of it and don’t interfere or try to talk her out of it. She is paying for the wedding herself for chrissakes.
I was dealing with a relative who was being all, “why are you distancing yourself from meeee?!” (which of course got worse as I plan my wedding because weddings bring out the family issues). So, instead of denying it or watering down how I felt for the sake of her feelings, I told her exactly why. For two hours. In great and honest detail. I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, and she’s been an angel ever since. I’m not saying she’ll always behave or that this works for everyone, but being brutally honest with difficult people has a way of shutting them up in a completely satisfying way. Maybe worth a try?
BGM I can’t stop laughing. Love it!
If you’ve decided to support your daughter, then stay out of it. It sounds like you’re itching to convince her to invite your mother, but that’s not your place. Even if you were helping to pay, I’d hope that you’d have the respect for your daughter and her fiance to let them make choices that will help them have an emotionally healthy wedding day.
Yeah I thought about this while reading the letter…. if they were not as financially stable and the LW was paying for at least part of the wedding (as many parents do), would she have insisted the abusive grandmother attend the wedding with the huge likelihood of causing massive chaos, drama, showing racism to the groom (!) and insulting the daughter, groom and the rest of the family who she’s managed to alienate as well?!
Some people….
Also, if she is insulting the groom’s race then she is also insulting his extended family who will also be there.
Nothing to add but just wanted to say I love Wendy’s reply. 🙂
Especially the:
“But setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad daughter. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your mother. It means you love yourself (and your daughter) enough to say “enough!”. ”
and also:
“be proud of how you raised a woman strong enough to stand up for herself, financially stable enough to throw her own wedding, and confident enough to stand by her decisions”
LW, it seems like your daughter has grown to become a very mature, healthy, stable young woman and you can only be proud of that.
When a daughter do not want her mother who always praise look after her let her experience numerous activities at school, but now that she is poor reject her and do not want her at wedding for unexplainable reasons maybe because she could not pay for wedding or as rich as her new in laws or afraid she has to take care of her, its heart breaking ….
The reason isn’t unexplainable. The grandmother has been mean to the entire family, including the granddaughter and now the granddaughter doesn’t want her at the wedding. Grandma has earned not being welcome. She did it day in and day out by being a nasty person that no one wants at the wedding. If she can’t be nice she can be lonely. It isn’t heartbreaking.
It’s called a logical consequence of being an asshole. End of story
Good for the bride and groom! An angry, insulting parent or grandparent should NOT be permitted to bring their ” issues” to this blessed event. People like that will find a way, subtly or not to get their digs in. It is very painful for others with kind intentions.
Sounds to me like you’re the only person left in your mother’s life enabling her. Everyone else has respected their boundaries enough to cut ties with her. I have been where you are. Your people-pleasing, “why can’t everyone just get along” behaviour is adding so much stress to your life with things that are out of your control. We think we are doing our best to make sure everyone is comfortable. But really it leaves us uncomfortable. Please go seek some counseling and work on making yourself comfortable with some boundaries.
Mum fucked around, and found out.
I have no idea why your mother is still ever allowed to be around people she has abused. I’m sorry she is still in your lives and I wish you would fix that too.
I married the person my mom picked, did the courtwedding.. etc.. all because I had no backbone. Got divorced, not to go into any relationship for 20 years, because I didnt want to introduce anyone to my Mom, and also not to have to not invite her to my wedding.. Now she is gone, and I just cannot have someone in my space. Well done to this young lady to stand up for herself, and choose her own happiness. Sorry Mom, your Mom is not invited, and your daughter did not make it your choice. Your Mom will get over herself, people like that, always do.
I have adult children. We hope that our parents and our children will welcome each other and treat each other kindly. When, instead, two of them are at odds, it is not uncommon for both of them to want validation and to seek further support of their position from you. That’s a totally no-win situation.
They are both adults. They are the ones who are responsible for their relationship. You can be understanding of their positions and kind with your words, and wish that things were different, but they are adults.
When you listen to them they will want you to “be on their side”. When they ask you to do something specific that is just going to put you in the middle, the mantra is, “I love you, and I understand how you feel. I can’t do that without causing more problems. Is there something else I could do?”.
Say that, or a variation on that theme, as many times as you need to. Many people will (in time) respect that response. Immature people will not. And if they respond with an attack on you, rather than with considered thought, you will know you are dealing with someone who is not, at that moment, at all interested in creating peaceful solutions.
Listening is good. So is understanding. Getting into the middle of it helps no one. They are adults.
There was a procedure in place at another function in case she acted up there? Why would anyone want that at their wedding? Sometimes you have to cut people out of your lives. The fact that she has brought up the daughter’s fiance’s race should be enough to never speak to her again.
I would advise that some kind of security is on hand at the wedding in case your mom shows up at the wedding.
I had the very same thought.
LW’s whole viewpoint strikes me as a conditioned response. LW, as a child, did you feel the need to cover up for your mother’s abuse and apologize for her to people in your life? I get that some people fall into this role as a defensive mechanism and that may have served you in your youth, but is something that is no longer serving you – you’re serving IT.
Please seek help for yourself to remove this pressure from your life. You don’t need to smooth over things for your mother and doing so is only enabling her. As many others have mentioned, the pressure is something you’re putting on yourself and it’s time to set down that cross.
I also wonder if you’re somewhat envious of your daughter for being able to set and maintain strong boundaries with your mother. That may be another driver to your behavior – you want her to smooth things over with your mother, as you’ve done, and to suffer alongside you. Even if you know in your head that she’s right, your heart hasn’t been convinced. Please find that help from a good therapist who has experience with parental codependence.
If your parents were vicious and abusive to you, then they are very likely to be abusive to your own kids. Protect your kids and don’t allow your parents to abuse them, too.
LW, this is definitely a case of “if someone shows you who they are, believe them.” There’s a reason why the rest of your family ditched her.
So this woman is racist about the groom and then wonders why she wasn’t invited? I suppose narcissists see no wrong in themselves.
I didn’t invite my narcissist mother or a racist aunt/uncle to my wedding because I knew they’d cause trouble. Before I told my um she wasn’t invited and cut off contact for good, she was making wedding planning a living hell. Cutting her off was the best thing I ever did – and I say that confidently several years later!
Nasty people don’t deserve good things from good people. She made her bed, she can lay in it now.
We all make choices and we all eventually learn from them. If my mother had asked me why my daughter hated her, I would have pointed out that she hasn’t treated her granddaughter very well, and she’s the only one that can change her behavior. Then, refuse to discuss it further with her. At all. She’ll either come to see this as a wake up call and offer an apology and start working on herself, or she won’t. Either way, your daughter is strong enough to protect herself.