“My Daughter’s Restraining Order Against My Son is Messing Up the Holidays”
Your daughter doesn’t have a restraining order against her brother simply because he had a drug problem. She has a restraining order against him because he must have crossed boundaries and threatened her security in some way. Your daughter still feels threatened by him. You don’t get to decide when she should stop feeling threatened just because you’re her mother or because you feel entitled to a family holiday with both your kids present.
You’re living with your daughter and her wife in what sounds like their home. They call the shots. If they want to continue protecting themselves from a man they feel threatened by, that is entirely their right. You have the right to move out or to have separate holiday celebrations with your kids, independently. You do not have the right to force what YOU want on your daughter who does not want the same thing, period, and who probably has a pretty good reason to want to avoid her brother right now.
I have never been a possessive or jealous wife. I’ve always trusted him completely. He’s been invited on a bachelorette party for another woman from the office and there is a zombie bride theme. He says other men are going, but I’m not sure I believe him. He was planning on going shopping with the woman he has been out with for a dress for him to wear to this party so he can go dressed as a zombie bridesmaid.
I feel really uncomfortable about this but also feel like I’m being really irrational and unreasonable. — Wife of the Bridesmaid
You have some problems in your marriage that needs to be addressed asap That you very rarely have time alone and almost never go out together is a very big problem that has caught up with you. Clearly, if your husband is keeping his interactions with this woman a secret from you — having dinner with her while you and the kids are out of town and not even mentioning it to you, then he thinks it’s something that warrants being kept a secret (despite your never having been a jealous or possessive person or otherwise giving him reason to believe his having dinner with a female friend/colleague would upset you). That you don’t trust your husband (you don’t know if you believe him when he says other men are going to the bachelorette party) is another huge problem.
Twenty years and three children is a lot, and if you haven’t been carving out time to reconnect, let alone discuss the state of your marriage, it isn’t surprising that one of you is looking for an emotional connection elsewhere. I would find a marriage therapist right away and fucking hire a babysitter (or if the oldest of your three kids is a responsible teenager, hire him or her to watch the younger siblings) and go on some dates with your husband.
In the meantime, tell him your husband that because he has been secretive about his friendship with this female colleague, your discomfort is NOT irrational and unreasonable and, until you two have a chance to discuss these feelings under the guidance of a trained mediator, you are not comfortable with him spending time alone with her anymore. If he disregards your feelings, then your marital problems are probably bigger than you thought and you should start emotionally and financially preparing yourself for the possibility of a separation.
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The fact that you aren’t telling us the whole story and reason behind the restraining order tells me she’s right to keep it in place.
Newsflash, they only give out a restraining order when someone’s life is in danger.
The fact that you care more about your druggie son, than your daughter is gross.
Yup. All of this.
The other thing glaringly missing from this retelling is what or anything the son has done to reckon with, take responsibility for, and apologise for his harm to his sister. Which leads me to believe none of that has happened. It still could–while a big accomplishment, a year is simply not very long to have maintained sobriety after a serious addiction. Often, people are still just getting through the day and putting their own internal house in order. The daughter may not ever find it in herself to forgive and rebuild a relationship with him, but if there is any hope of it happening, it has to come from true contrite responsibility-taking by the son, not pressure from the mother, which is only going to damage relationships worse.
LW2
you absolutely should feel threatened and uncomfortable with this situation! He was not transparent about having drinks on more than one occasion, and a dinner with a single woman while you were away with the kids! GIANT red flag! I hate to break it to you, but he is either already cheating, or is on the brink of it. I would insist he no longer spends time alone with this person or any time outside of strictly work, I would tell him you don’t want him to go to the bachelorette party, especially as you haven’t been invited, and book marriage counselling. Wendy is spot on, if he refuses any of these things, you had better line up a divorce lawyer, because he definitely has at least one foot out the door.
If your son doesn’t have a home to invite you to, rent an Airbnb and spend the holiday with him. Alternate holidays going forward. If your daughter ever wants to come, let her know she’s invited, but she is not obligated to host him in her home or have a relationship with him.
You don’t get to decide for your daughter when she should forgive or feel comfortable around her brother and it’s not your house. You don’t get a restraining order for just having a drug problem. You can go see him if you want but you’re also not entitled to a picture perfect holiday win both your kids.
I want you to read about Rob Reiner who along with his wife, was murdered by their son.
LW 1 is being extremely selfish. She does not have the right to decide if or when her daughter feels safe or chooses to forgive her brother for what he’s done to warrant an order of protection. This is not something she likely entered into lightly.
I can understand her wanting to spend holidays with both children but her son has created a situation where that is not possible. While the son is to be commended for a year of sobriety that does not automatically absolve him of any wrongdoing. Meet up with him elsewhere at another time or live somewhere else and do what you please.