“My Divorce is Final But Now My Boyfriend is Ignoring Me”
Dan and I met for drinks and hit it off instantly. He told me that was madly enamored since he met me but that he knew I was married. To say he was the reason I left my husband would be only half true, but he was the catalyst that started it all and he encouraged me to be happy. My husband and I were clearly separated long before any paperwork and before Dan and I started dating. I told Dan that he should keep dating other people until my divorce was finalized. But he didn’t want to wait, and we started dating shortly after my separation paperwork.
While my husband was mentally abusive, Dan made me feel safe, protected, and loved — things I’ve longed for for SO LONG! And the first six months were amazing! He even brought me home to meet his family, and I’m the only one he’s ever brought home even though he’s 37. He says he adores me, that I’m beautiful, and that he’s lucky to be with me.
Recently, my divorce was finalized (after an eight-month process). A few weeks following my divorce, Dan became distant and moody and I’m worried we’re drifting apart. I know the last few months have been hard on us both, but since January all he wants to do is lie around the couch, watch movies, and sit in a dark home theatre. I have no interest in any of those things while it’s sunny out and not snowing! I’ve been out meeting new people, rock climbing, horseback riding, golfing, etc. I’ve tried inviting him, but he doesn’t want to go, makes excuses, and only wants to partake in his hobbies. I’ve met someone rock climbing. We’re friends.But maybe there’s something more?
I don’t want to walk away from Dan; I love him dearly. But maybe I didn’t give myself time after my divorce? Maybe I jumped from one bad relationship to another? Maybe I should be single for awhile? Maybe I should tell him I need a break? Maybe he only loved me when I was married and he couldn’t really have me? I am so lost. What do you think? — Looking for My Rock
For most of your relationship, you were going through an exhausting divorce. For at least 1/3 of your relationship — the most recent 1/3 — Dan has been distant and moody. He doesn’t show any interest in meeting your family. He has no interest in pursuing activities you enjoy. It sounds like he doesn’t even want to leave the house with you, but would rather just spend all his time indoors. You, on the other hand, feel like you have a new lease on life now that you’re free of the ex-husband who dragged you down. You’re out there rock climbing, horseback riding, golfing, meeting new people–which is great! But you have this boyfriend who doesn’t want to do any of those things. So… why do you want to be with him? Because he says you’re beautiful? Because he says he feels lucky to be with you? Those are just meaningless words if there aren’t any actions to back them up.
I know it can feel lonely to be single, especially when you’re used to being in a relationship. But that’s not enough reason to stay with someone who doesn’t make you happy. And Dan? It doesn’t sound like he makes you happy. It sounds like he’s creating anxiety and anguish at time when you should be celebrating your freedom. You just got out of a bad marriage! Why not revel in that for a while? Enjoy dating around. Enjoy being single. Enjoy your independence!
This is not the time to let another man hurt you. This is the time to focus on yourself. Go to therapy. Get out all your anger over the way your ex-husband treated you. Do some soul-searching and think about what mistakes you were responsible for in your marriage and how you learn from them and do better going forward. Getting divorced sucks. It hurts, it’s painful, it’s lonely. You can’t avoid all that by jumping into a new relationship. All you do then is just sweep those feelings under a rug or shove them in a closet. But they’re still there. The mess will have to be dealt with eventually. So why not deal with it now so that you have a clean head space when you start your next relationship? Take at least six months for yourself and vow not to get serious with anyone. I promise you’ll be stronger for it and more likely to find a happy and lasting relationship.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
I haven’t read Wendy’s response yet, but it’s a probably WWS, as usual.
LW, YES to all five of your questions. You didn’t give yourself ANY time after your divorce. You did jump right into an effed up relationship. You for sure should stay single for a while. You need to break up, not a break, and finally, yes, this 37 year old man who never brought a female home before you liked you because you were sort of unavailable and now that you are available, he’s rethinking his position.
And for gosh sake, learn to be alone and happy by yourself for a while before you jump into yet another relationship with this “friend” you met while rock climbing. Or with anyone really.
Ok, I read Wendy’s advice. She was a lot more compassionate, and WWS!
I still think the LW should take some time for herself and learn to love herself before jumping into her next relationship. That doesn’t mean I don’t think she should date. I just think she take her time.
The rebounding sounds about over. WWS, focus on you. It’ll make things much better in the long run. Maybe he’s joking about things because he doesn’t know what he wants, but you know that this lack of a decision isn’t working for you. Let something that’s broken be broken.
Yeah, I think you should just let “Dan” be the person who propelled you out of a bad marriage, nothing more. I can’t quite understand or speculate what may be going on with him right now, but if this relationship is giving you grief—MOA. Like Wendy said, you JUST got divorced. Be free. (But don’t jump into another poorly thought-out relationship with your rock-climbing rando. Let yourself experience a bunch of casual relationships first, or just focus on yourself for a while & be single.)
LW, you’ve been through a lot recently. Divorces are hard. Maybe this guy helped you through that time, by giving you motivation to end a failing marriage, and emotionally supporting you after your separation. But that doesn’t mean he’s right for you. He probably was a rebound. And as Wendy said, this relationship hasn’t really seen a “normal” phase yet and things are already worsening.
WWS.
How well do you know you now? You know what the “you” in a mentally abusive relationship was like, you might vaguely remember the younger you, but have you taken any time to get to know yourself, your new hopes, goals,and dreams? Dan might not be mentally abusive like your ex-husband, but he definitely seems to be holding you back from the awesome person you could become.
Maybe Dan is depressed for some reason, but it doesn’t seem like you’re at a point where you should be signing yourself up for taking care of someone else’s issues. You should probably be learning to properly address and deal with your own issues right now. Maybe he’s just more of a couch potato than you. Either way, it doesn’t sound like it will be fulfilling to you in the future. You don’t owe him somehow for being there as you went through a divorce. Make sure you’re not holding onto the relationship for the wrong reasons.
You don’t sound fulfilled. There are so many ways you could find fulfillment, other than staying with this guy that you don’t seem to have that much in common with.
“Maybe I didn’t give myself time after my divorce?”
Is this a question? You jumped into a relationship while still married and you’re asking if you didn’t give yourself time after your divorce? Yes, you didn’t give yourself time.
That aside, WWS. Why would you want to go from a “mentally abusive” marriage & exhausting divorce, to an unfulfilling relationship? Ditch Dan for good and go out and enjoy the hobbies you like to do! You’ll start enjoying your life more without the anxiety of a ‘meh’ relationship hanging over you.
Good lord. Why is it so hard for people to be single? Like Wendy said, wait at least six months after your divorce to get in a relationship with anyone. Pretty straightforward.
Beautiful and perfect response by Wendy!
Someone on here once said that some people are only supposed to be in your life for a certain period, and that that’s ok. I’ve dragged out friendships before just because I thought that’s what you were supposed to do. It’s ok not to. My partying buddy from high school no longer served a “purpose” and I realized we really had no real friendship, or at least one that was supposed to last. That’s life. Different stages call for different people.
Dan has served his purpose in your life, and no longer is needed. I know that sounds kinda harsh, but it appears to be true.
LW, I absolutely don’t want to criticize you for jumping into a relationship before you were divorced. But I will tell you, as an objective third party with no personal stake in the matter, this Dan seems an awful lot like a rebound. If I had to guess, the first few months were great for a few reasons.
1. The first few months of ANY relationship are great.
2. You were feeling something that had long since died with your husband. Passion, intimacy, etc.
But, the rose colored glasses have worn off from that, and your divorce is final. After going through what you went through with your ex-husband, you don’t deserve the way this guy is treating you, provided everything you’re saying is true. You have no reason to waste your time and I honestly don’t see, from the outside, what about this relationship with this man is worth holding on to.
You say you’ve been doing activities, and I say keep that up. For the first time in however many years since you’ve been married, just spend some time on YOU. I would argue that, when people have been in relationships for so long, they get to the point where they don’t even know who they are anymore without someone else. Figure it out! I bet you’ll like the result. And after you’ve done you, then actively search for someone else with whom you can have a great, meaningful relationship. Good luck LW!
WWS.
Be single for a while. Enjoy all your new hobbies. Create a full life for yourself, and when you’re ready, then start dating.
I agree with Wendy. The LW was unhappy in her marriage and transferred her feelings for her husband to a new guy she didn’t really know. Now you know him – and its not a good match. Move on.
WWS. Now is ME time, LW. Not ME ME but YOU ME. I’d take this time to find out what you like to do, get involved, meet new friends, etc. … The right go will show up at the right time. <— So easy for me to say that stuff, much harder to believe it. But you can do it!
LW, Just because Dan treats you better than your Ex Husband, doesn’t mean he is a good match for you overall. Everyone has dated a “great” guy who just wasn’t the right guy for you on other levels. He might be the guy that saved you from a bad marriage but I think he is just a transition guy.
Consider that Dan has served his purpose, which was to help show you what you were missing in your marriage and help you decide that it was time to leave. But now he’s run his course. It’s not really about him, though my first thought was that things got a little too “real” for Dan once you left your husband. Even though it wasn’t really about him, I wonder if he assumes that now that you’re single, things have to get serious instead of just being casual and carefree. Who knows.
Like Wendy and everyone else has said, you need time to be single. If you go straight from an unhappy relationship (or any other relationship) into another, all you’re going to do is choose people as a reaction to your old relationship, not because of who they are as a whole. Suddenly, you’re trying to fill everything you didn’t have with your husband instead of looking for someone who simply is a good fit for you. Being in a marriage also changes you, so it’s time to find yourself as an individual again before you become yourself in a relationship.
LW, it doesn’t sound like there’s enough here to “save.” It sounds like both of you have checked out of the relationship in your own way. 3 in 4 couples who marry after one has left a prior marriage for the new partner get divorced. Don’t count on being the outlier.
Oh, LW. Please step back and look at this objectively. Your ex-husband made you feel like shit. I can only assume, since you didn’t go into a lot of detail, that your husband very likely made you feel like shit, like you had to tiptoe around him, like you were responsible for his feelings, and like you weren’t safe, physically or emotionally, or both. That sucks, and though you’ve done the big, overwhelming work of getting out, I doubt that you have any idea exactly the damage your husband did. And you’re back with a man who makes you feel like shit, you’re having to tiptoe around him, he’s either making you responsible for his feelings or you’re just repeating old patterns, and generally it sounds like you feel, if not unsafe, then at the very least like you’re balanced on the edge of a knife and your behavior could send you flying at any moment. Just because Dan isn’t as bad as your ex doesn’t make him good. If your ex was a 1, and the best relationship for you is a 10, Dan’s like a 3, if I’m being really generous. You’re so messed up right now you probably couldn’t even recognize a 10. You need to aim for the 10. It’s going to take time alone – probably more time than you’re comfortable with – to figure out what that 10 means for you. So hold out for the 10. And till that happens, work on being your own 10. Counseling, activities you love, time with friends who make you feel safe and happy, make YOU happy before working on making someone else happy.
It sounds like Dan is depressed.
But to echo what everyone else said, give yourself some time and space after your divorce. Just because Dan is a great guy, doesn’t mean he’s a great guy for you.
I have seen others behave like LW. That is, deliberately create a relationship before another one is just about terminated, and then hang onto it even if it’s not that good.
This whole sort of thing came up in a lunch group conversation not long ago. One engineer friend called it “make before break” behavior. His view was that some folk either need the support they get in a romantic relationship or fear being alone so much that they need an overlap of relationships.
The lesser of two evils does not equate to a saint.
I think Dan was the rebound relationship and the bloom is off the rose. Take some time for yourself away from any relationship and wait 1 year or so and then slowly start dating again. But not yet.
Just leave this rebound as a rebound. Rebouding doesn’t make you a bad person – but you don’t “win” by turning the rebound into a long term relationship. You actually lose, because he sucks and you sound like you want to be free and awesome and go rock climbing. So do that. Solo.
No one should be in an emotionally abusive relationship or an unfulfilling one, but the LW started the relationship with Dan while she was still married, is still involved with Dan and has met someone she may or may not be interested in. She needs to just date for a while and maybe find out why she feels the need to always be in a relationship.
I think you could see this whole situation as a positive thing. Dan was the catalyst for you finally buckling down and ending a marriage that hadn’t been working for a long time. But it seems like it’s time for the Dan chapter of your life to close, just like it was time for your marriage chapter to end. You’re moving on, trying new things, meeting new people. Leave yourself some blank pages for the next chapters rather than letting Dan’s chapter ramble on and on.
Is Dan maybe just not interested because you have all these new hobbies and aren’t dependent on him? You left your husband, were pouring your insecurities about your failed marriage into him. Now, you are out having fun and trying to enjoy life. For that, you should have a partner who wants to do the same. I would rather be with someone out doing activities with me than at home watching movies in the dark, making me feel guilty for wanting to go enjoy life.
Your signature says it all. “Looking for my rock.” Be your own rock for a while, sweetie.
He’s lazy, and selfish.
Now the chase is over, he feels he’s won you, he doesn’t put effort in.
Leave him immediately.