“My Ex-Husband Threatened My Dad and My Dad Never Told Me”
My husband and I separated, and I kept going to therapy (couples and individual) to try to see if anything could be salvaged, but by Christmas I felt ready to leave for good. I lived in AirBnBs and crashed with friends until February when I finally found a place of my own and got on with the divorce paperwork. As an aside, we never did have children, which ultimately made things easier to break off.
Recently, my sister recently told me that our dad had confided in her last year that, while I was away on a weekend trip and my dad was in town helping my ex with our backyard project, they had an altercation. Apparently, while they were drinking whisky at some point, my ex threatened to punch my dad. This is completely unacceptable.
My dad has never said a word to me about this. My dad, for context, also seems rather broken up about the divorce despite knowing the extent of my ex’s bad behavior. (I only told my parents about his past behavior after I had already left, because I was embarrassed.) I do not understand why my dad has seemingly forgiven and absolved my ex of the threat he made, but mostly I am extremely frustrated he didn’t tell me about their altercation – either when it happened, or, at least, after I explained why I was leaving. I feel abandoned – like my dad doesn’t have my back. I’m considering cutting way back on my interactions with him in part due to this (though lately his more extreme conservative views have put a strain on our relationship anyway).
My question, I guess, is is it worth confronting my dad about why he didn’t tell me this? It would have forced me to confront the kind of person I was married to much sooner. I struggle because then he would also know that my sister was the one who betrayed his confidence – Dad doesn’t have my back
No, it is not worth is to confront your dad about why he didn’t tell you about the threat your ex-husband made to your dad while you were still married and away for a weekend. What would discussing it possibly resolve now? What would be your motive? You’re out of the marriage — which, congratulations, by the way. I can’t imagine it was easy to leave and to start over on your own, but you did it and you should feel very proud of yourself.
You really can’t know for sure why your dad didn’t tell you about the altercation with your ex or that his doing so would have “forced you to confront the kind of person you were married to much sooner.” You don’t know that at all. And neither does your dad. For all the both of you know, his telling you might have put you on the major defense. Maybe he was afraid you wouldn’t believe him and you’d alienate him. Maybe he was afraid you’d blame him if you thought to ask: What did he do to provoke your ex? How much whisky were they drinking? Does he even remember the incident the way it happened? I can’t imagine that his NOT telling you was an easy choice or one based on abandoning you. That he told your sister indicates that it was, indeed, something that weighed on him and bothered him as he was probably looking for her to validate that he did the right thing.
As for why your dad didn’t tell you about the altercation after you announced your separation, or why he seems broken up about the divorce: Don’t you think it’s possible that he simply feels sad that your marriage didn’t work out, that you’re in pain, that you were treated so poorly? I would feel broken up about something like that, too, if it were my daughter. Yes, I’d feel relieved she got out of the marriage, but I think the overriding emotion so soon after learning the details would be sadness — and probably anger — that she hadn’t been happy. I think I might also feel guilty that I didn’t know about it and didn’t/wasn’t able to help when she needed it.
When a couple divorces, it’s hardest on the two spouses, of course, but it affects other people — their family and close friends. Your parents have lost a son-in-law — one whom they probably loved and whose flaws they did not see or even know about like you did. While you had years to get used to the idea of your ex being as flawed and troubled and abusive as he was, it may have come as a shock to your family when you suddenly left him. And when people are shocked, they don’t always react or behave in ways that others might wish them to or think they should.
You’re angry and I get that. You’re looking for someone to blame because it really sucks to go through a divorce and to think you’re at all responsible for it. You can look back and think you should have seen signs sooner, you should have left sooner, you shouldn’t have married him in the first place. All of that is a lot of should’ves that can be a heavy burden to carry. So I can appreciate the urge to want to hand some of that load to someone else. You think your father should have told you that your ex-husband threatened you, and then maybe you would have been more open to your ex’s flaws and you would have left him sooner. But you don’t know that for sure, and you can’t blame your dad for choosing “wrong” when you don’t know whether either choice would have been “right.”
While your and your ex’s marriage didn’t work out, and you may feel tempted to focus on that, I’d urge you to focus instead on the great steps you’ve taken to turn your life around — to get off the path of destruction and find a new way to go. You’re going to be fine. Keep going to therapy and keep working on forgiving yourself (and anyone else you’re blaming) for what happened. And as for your father having extreme, conservative views — that’s a different conversation. Given how divisive politics are these days and the damage extreme ideology is causing in the US, it may be worth exploring this topic with your therapist.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Totally agree with Wendy. There’s a lot of reasons why your dad may not have told you. Maybe he saw you excusing your ex and thought it wouldn’t matter if he told you about this. Maybe he was worried you’d confront your ex and get hurt. Maybe he was worried that it would push you away. Maybe he thought you had enough to deal with and didn’t need to worry about him too. The most likely reasons for your dad not telling you point to him trying to do the right thing or at least not knowing how to handle the situation. I mean, really, there’s no guidebook that tells you what to do when your daughter’s abusive spouse is violent toward you. And once you were broken up, what would the point of telling you be? To make you feel guilty and worse than you already did?
The thing that occurs to me is that perhaps your dad didn’t want to be seen as inserting himself into your marriage somehow, which, I kinda have to say, is a good thing. There could be all sorts of reasons, and sometimes it’s difficult to ascertain whether or not to speak up. Perhaps he now wishes he had. Would it have a difference in the moment if he had?
One half of her brain is kicking herself for not leaving sooner. The other half is shifting the ‘blame’ to her father, because it is easier to think of things that way. From what she wrote, it seems clear that her father speaking up wouldn’t have changed a thing and that she may well have pushed back against her father fairly strongly. Her father was in a can’t win position. She’ll realize that soon enough. It’s not a big deal that she hasn’t reached that point yet.
Agreed. The sad truth is that few people ever listen when somebody tells them that their partner is truly an abusive asshole. Instead, they somehow all tend to kill the messenger… Heck, in this letter it’s happening even now… MONTHS after the fact.
And just in case it’s not clear, I intend no victim-blaming! I understand that it can be so hard – even dangerous – to recognize an abuser’s behavior for what it is, and leave. I just don’t think that the dad’s telling what happened, at the time it happened, would have had a significant effect on how quickly the marriage dissolved. It sounds like the LW already recognized what a bad situation it was at the time the altercation occurred.
I agree with you on most of those points. But I don’t think they change the fact that there are much bigger dynamics at play when someone is in an abusive relationship. As much as we love “perfect” victims who cope in the right ways and make what we think are the healthiest decisions as early as possible, that doesn’t happen most of the time. Doesn’t make the person foolish. let’s just hope that the advice here and hopefully some therapy will help her channel these emotions better.
Why do your dad the discourtesy of assuming you know everything about this thoughts, feelings, and motivations when you are making these leaps to conclusions based on partial and third hand information? I am very glad that you are out; and wish you peace and healing. I hope that you follow Wendy’s advice .
You are somehow confusing your dad with your ex-husband. You ex failed you and betrayed your trust. Your dad didn’t. He tried to help and was mistreated. He shut up in order not to intrude into an obviously bad marriage. I understand that reaction. You are an adult, with your own choices, not a child he could save. Your anger is misplaced here. Don’t tell him anything because you will make your situation worse and will seem very unfair and out of your mind to him. It isn’t because you were hurt that you have to hurt him – your dad, why? You left your ex at your own pace, when it was possible for you to actually do it. Focus on yourself and your reconstruction. You made it! You will be ok, there is still a lot of anger to work on with your therapist.
Your father was put in a terrible position by your husband. I’m sure he was as stunned as you are by your ex husband threatening him. But it seems like you are looking for an excuse to be mad at him. Anger that is misplaced. Hopefully your therapist will be able to get you to a better place of healing. Good for you for leaving a bad marriage. But you have a ways to go.
And your dad’s opinions about politics have nothing to do with it. You are in a regression phase, resenting your parents. It is normal after what you have experienced but it would be very wrong to “confront” him about your own projections. Focus on yourself.
ALL OF THIS
I’m going to be in the minority here, but I think open communication within families is important. This is obviously bothering OP to the point where she’s asking for outside perspectives. This unknown would eat at me forever. I think she should approach it without an accusation, but rather wanting to understand his thought processes. Everyone is speculating what her dad was thinking, but the only way to know is by asking. She should do the courtesy of letting her sister know, as like she said she doesn’t want to betray her confidence. People are acting like this might damage her relationship with her dad, but to me it’s already damaged. I think by communicating it could help heal their relationship. It will definitely help her by getting answers.
Extreme conservative views can also include lack of rights for women including in DV situations. And not having the right to leave or divorce.
Start with discussing this with the therapist before deciding on next steps!
I considered this myself. If he does have “extremely conservative views,” it’s *possible* that his choice not to tell her was informed by having beliefs such as:
-married people should stay married no matter what
-a guy’s not really responsible if he gets a bit out of hand when drinking, so it’s only he [Dad] who had cause to have a bone to pick with Ex; it didn’t really have anything to do with LW
-what a guy does while working, drinking, and arguing with another guy is guy stuff, it isn’t indicative of how he’d act in a relationship with a woman
–Dad thinking LW might do some ‘woman thing’ like blaming the drinking factor on Dad…
…things of that nature, instead of only the things that Wendy and other people suggested.
But regardless, it’s still a big shrug. Whatever his reasons were, Dad didn’t say anything, and LW still eventually left someone she should have left, and LW’s relationship with Dad is already minimal and on the back burner already because of his views.
It’s done. It’s all water under the bridge. It’s be@ting a dead horse. If it wouldn’t upset Sister too much, I can see LW eventually getting it out in the open and saying, “Hey, Dad, I wish you had told me back then that he threatened you”.
But that’s still NOT going to improve her life in any way, regardless of the outcome, to go back and rehash this. She may as well go confront Grandma about what she could possibly have been thinking with that Christmas sweater from 3 years ago.