“My Ex Won’t Leave His Girlfriend For Me”
Fast forward to August of last year – he had just had a liver transplant and he reached out to meet up. At first, I declined but my curiosity got the better of me so I agreed. I should note, shortly after I decided we were done for good (or maybe even before that, who knows), he moved in with a mutual acquaintance and was still living with her when we started seeing each other again. He was adamant about how much he’d changed with a second chance at life, and he wanted a future with me. He said I’m his soulmate and he’s always loved me more than I know.
We saw each other for about six months before I told him that if he wanted us to work out, he needed to leave his girlfriend and be fully available. He claimed that he wanted to, he wasn’t happy, she wasn’t the woman he loved or wanted to be with, but that she was out of work, and he was paying the bills – like she did for him when he was so sick and she took care of everything. I appreciated his honesty and not wanting to leave her high and dry. I mean, she did keep him alive for three years. So, we went no contact (my choice) because I refused to be the other woman in this situationship.
Well, the girlfriend got a job in July… and he’s still with her… still claiming he really wants to leave but can’t give me a reason why he hasn’t yet or even come up with a plan of when he will leave. I told him we can be friends, but he says that he doesn’t want that, he wants to be with me.
My question is: Am I the fool? Do I continue waiting for him to make this change or cut my losses and leave the past in the past? I do love him and we’re very compatible but I’m wondering just how important I really am to him now. — Divorced & Confused
Yes, I’m sorry, but it’s foolish to think that after all you’ve been through with this man and all the ways he is currently showing you that he hasn’t, in fact, changed, that he is capable – let alone interested – in actually committing to you, being faithful to you, and meeting your needs in a way that you’ll feel satisfied and happy in a relationship with him for the rest of your lives. He has no intention of leaving his girlfriend – especially now that she is gainfully employed and has a history of supporting him when she’s employed! That’s like money in the bank for him.
Here’s what I don’t get: if you went no contact with this man, why do you know so much about his current life? Why do you know that his girlfriend got a job in July? Why are you giving him space and time to claim he wants to leave her and that he loves you? WHY are you telling him your can be friends? Why would you want to be friends with this man who has had so little regard for your feelings, so little appreciation for the (completely unearned!) trust you’ve given him over the years?
Your ex-husband may be addicted to alcohol, but I wonder if you’re not addicted to him? How else to explain why you keep returning to something you know is so bad for you – something that has disrupted your peace on such a consistent level for about a decade? It’s time to cut yourself off for good. Block him on your phone, email, social media, WhatsApp – every way he has to get in touch with you. Delete his number and move on. There’s no path that leads to a happy place if you follow him. New liver or not, all this man can offer you is more of the same he’s always given: lies; deceit; gaslighting; hurt feelings; and frustration. Just say no – and stick to it this time.
On the way home, my husband and I bickered a bit as I asked him to stop and get me food. The kids were confused and eventually it came out that I didn’t eat because food was served with unwashed hands. My kids were angry at me that I let them eat that food. My husband said I was blowing it out of proportion.
So Wendy, was I wrong to be disgusted? Is there a polite way to remind someone to wash their hands before serving food to others? — Too Disgusted to Eat
I think you probably did blow this out of proportion and missed a few opportunities to minimize any potential drama, hurt feelings, and rudeness, starting with offering to do the serving yourself. You could have said, “Hey, MIL, you’ve got your hands full with (dog’s name) – let me serve the pizza and cake!” (Or, you could have just jumped up and done this without even saying anything). I think eating a few bites of the food wouldn’t have killed you and you clearly weren’t worried about anything bad happening to you or you would have extended the same worry to your kids, right? But if you truly couldn’t stomach the idea of eating even a few bites of the food, you could have feigned a temporary stomachache that suddenly cleared up on the way home, necessitating a quick stop through a drive-through to pick up something for you to eat. I would NOT have told the truth because, of course, it was offensive to your kids that you let them eat food you didn’t think was sanitary enough for you to eat.
At this point, I’d let it drop and in the future, if you’re faced with such a dilemma again, serve yourself.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Too Disgusted to eat.
Yes, you are over reacting. Do you know how much food scarcity there is in this world? You have no idea what cooks or servers are doing when you go out to eat. Yes, your MIL should have washed her hands before serving and she pet the dog. There are way worse things. Coughing sneezing. You should have offered to help or served yourself, problem solved. You definitely seem high maintenance.
Next time, say “Oh, Jenny, let me help you. I’ll wash my hands first since it’s cold season.