“My Fiancé Doesn’t Want to Sign a Prenup”
I was married for 20 years and had two kids who are now in college. I’ve been divorced for four years. Going through a divorce was probably the darkest time period of my life. It wrecked me emotionally, physically, and financially. I finally came out on the other side and I am doing very well for myself. But I do feel like the divorce changed me and the way I view marriage.
I have been dating a man for the past couple years. He is a wonderful person – smart, funny, caring. He was also married once before and has three children. He has asked me to marry him, and I said yes. But as time goes on and the more he talks about getting married…the more I get cold feet.
I love this man and I want to spend my life with him. But the idea of marriage is giving me anxiety. He has told me that he wants to be married and he will not stick around if marriage is not in our future. I have worked so hard to get where I am in life and in my career. I easily make twice as much money as him. If we got married and then he decided to divorce me a couple years later, it would destroy me, financially. I have talked about getting a prenuptial agreement but he is resistant. He says things like “You don’t trust me?!” or “You’ve already got one foot out the door!” It’s not that I don’t trust him. But I trusted my first husband, and look where that got me.
Am I wrong to want a prenup to protect me and my children’s financial future? Should I get married without one? Or should I set him free? — Cold Feet
You are absolutely not wrong to want a prenup to protect your and your children’s financial future. Not only that, you are not wrong for coming through a divorce, which wrecked you emotionally, physically, and financially, with a changed view on marriage. I’d be concerned if, given what you went through and surely what you learned from the experience, you WEREN’T double and triple-thinking the pros and cons of a second marriage.
What I do think is wrong is your partner pressuring you in to something you’ve made clear you’re not entirely comfortable with. It’s wrong that rather than respect your boundaries and treat you with compassion, he’s centering himself and accusing you of not trusting him. I hope you see his behavior as the red flag it is and continue to give serious consideration to whether or not marrying this man will bring any benefit to your life and whether such benefit outweighs the risks.
What if, instead of accusing you of not trusting him, he told you that he understands that we arrive to each other with our own sets of past traumas and systems to prevent further harm, and he respects your boundaries that give space for love to grow without sacrificing you comfort and safety? What if he really embodied the idea of a supportive partner who centered your well-being instead of his own insecurity? It wouldn’t look like what you’re seeing from him right now.
If the only benefit you can come up with for marrying this man is to keep him from running, set him – and yourself – free. If you’ve been through hell and back already, you’re likely more attuned to the voice of your intuition. I’m here to amplify that voice for you and affirm what I think you already know. Legally tying yourself to this man would be a mistake.
My husband and I have been married for ten years and we have three children under 10; two are in primary school and one in nursery. There’s always been a bone of contention in our marriage about where we live. We met 14 years ago by chance. I had moved – temporarily, I thought – to an area for work. I met my now-husband there and we had a great time together – traveling and enjoying life as a couple. It didn’t matter so much where we lived at the time.
Both before and after we got married, and especially after we had children, I repeatedly expressed that I would like to move nearer to my hometown. It’s a far nicer area with lovely schools and open, green spaces. We can afford to do it, and my husband can work remotely, but he likes living in our current city. It’s where he grew up. His family is here, though we don’t see them very often.
My husband recognizes that where we live has its pitfalls (high crime rate, poor school options) but worries that the children will miss their friends and family and he’s also concerned about what his family will say.
I don’t want to give my husband an ultimatum but this is so important to me. I have a fantasy that I will just go alone once the kids grow up if he won’t go with me. How can I come to a compromise with him without our marriage ending? I feel like one of us is going to be unhappy. — He Remains Unmoved
Maybe a better fantasy than living the life you dream of after the kids are grown is to live it now? Maybe a safe hometown with good schools is a reality your kids deserve more than your husband deserves the comfort of his status quo? Maybe ending a marriage isn’t the worst-case scenario, if it means prioritizing the safety and education of your kids and your own happiness?
But before that, I’d work with your husband on addressing his concerns, which are legitimate. Yes, your kids will probably miss their friends if you move and his family might have some things to say. Ok, so? Missing people isn’t the end of the world, and neither is disappointing family members. Your kids can FaceTime with their old friends, you can come back and visit them and family, your kids can and will make new friends. They are young enough that the move will be a blip on the radar of their childhood, with the potential benefits of their new home more than making up for what they give up.
If your husband remains unmoved on this issue, and can give no better reasons for staying put than what you’ve shared here, I’d think long and hard about the pros and cons of staying married to him and keeping the kids in the town where you are. To prioritize one’s own comfort with what is familiar rather than his wife’s happiness and his kids’ education and safety doesn’t leave a lot of room for compromise.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Unfortunately, for LW2, even in the event of a divorce, she is not going to easily be able to move with the kids . .
Cold Feet:
Your boyfriend is exhibiting huge red flags, Did you know if you have already divorced once your chance of divorce now is higher.?! Your chance of divorce is 60%. Not only do you not want to get married and your boyfriend is ignoring this and powering through because he wants to and why wouldn’t’ he when you “easily earn double his pay”. But he is also ignoring your worries of wanting to protect your children and gaslighting you into thinking that asking for a prenup is wrong.
Please trust your instinct and protect your kids and yourself from wolves in sheeps clothing. If your boyfriend is a good guy a he would care about how you feel about marriage. Don’t make the same mistake 2X.
I would break up with him but if you aren’t brave enough then seek counselling first. A therapist will show you and him that he is in the wrong.
LW1: Oh, don’t marry under these terms! Your boyfriend’s behavior doesn’t match the description you make of a great relationship. Perhaps you can discuss again the prenup calmly, with arguments so that you both consider it seriously. Perhaps you can come with a prenup already written by a lawyer ou found on the internet as a start. It’s easier when it becomes real. Then, if he still refuses to consider it, just set “him” (and yourself) free, or give up the idea of marriage altogether with this guy. It is his problem if he really wants to leave you because of a prenup… It reveals a lot about him. Don’t be intimidated, call his bluff, stand your ground.
LW2: If you end the marriage and then leave, good luck if you want to convince a judge that it’s best for your kids to move to a “nicer” place, away of their father. I would start with something more realistic: what kind of job would you find there? What housing? Would it be more expensive? Can you afford it? You could start with a vacation there, renting a place for a summer or so, visit houses, visit schools. Take your children there more often, on every vacation. Make it real and you will see where it goes. Anyway, you can rightly argue that you made the effort a adapting to a new environment. As a matter of equality, he could make it too, for 10 years. It needn’t be definitive: he can understand that you are homesick, as it is exactly the same argument he is using for himself.
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Wendy missed the mark with LW2. A person can’t just take their kids anywhere they want after a divorce. The father deserves to be an active participant in his kids’ lives. A judge will probably make her stay in the city so the dad can easily share custody.
LW2: Please be wary of Wendy’s short-term thinking. Divorce is very difficult on children, and unless there are other major issues present you have not divulged in the letter, would likely cause more distress on your children than it is worth. I suggest instead doing some research to show your husband what it would actually look like to move (a detailed financial breakdown, including a few potential housing options, social opportunities, nearby amenities you two had not previously considered, etc.) Presenting what this beautiful future life could look like in more concrete terms may make him less uncertain of the future there. If he still does not budge, I would still caution against divorce (again, excepting other major issues not mentioned here.) Think very realistically of the benefits to them from moving versus growing up in a fractured family. I fear Wendy is leaning into prioritizing your own comfort over your kids’ actual wellbeing.
Jane Doe, did you miss the part about the husband wanting to stay where there’s a high crime rate and the schools suck? Couple that with unhappy parents and I don’t think staying put and staying married is prioritizing the kids wellbeing like you seem to think it is.
How can you just pick up and move towns with the kids? This is unfortunately the reality that if you’re living somewhere you don’t like you’re sol if your partner won’t move and you have kids. He can just get an order preventing you from taking the kids. Even if you get like 100% custody which is rare. Trust me I’m stuck in a city I hate and wishing I had gotten on a plane when pregnant then he couldn’t do anything about it.