“My Fiancé Secretly Meets Up With His Ex Girlfriend”
Initially (eight years ago), I was very uncomfortable with their friendship. This was a girl who would reach out to him all the time saying publicly on Facebook that she loved and missed him. He assured me it was nothing and insisted I meet her to get to know her. I met her and had an instinct that this girl was not one I could trust. I told him carefully how uncomfortable I was with their friendship, and, after much quarreling, he finally told her she needed to cool it with the messages.
Throughout the years my boyfriend has been extremely committed to me, but I have always mentioned that, if he planned to keep in touch with her, I would like to know. Twice before he has hid going to see her: one time at her house and now, two weeks ago, she reached out on Facebook to wish him congratulations on our engagement and he asked her for her number and started texting her to meet up and catch up. He deleted all of his messages and I found out.
My problem with this whole scenario is that he claims she means absolutely nothing to him but he has consistently hid meeting up with her over the years. I know they don’t keep in touch on a regular basis, but this lack of trust I have in him is not good. He is extremely apologetic and understands the seriousness of how upset I am with him.
Am I crazy? Is he still not over her? Or is this just innocent old friends wanting to catch up? — Crazy Fiancée?
So, in eight years, your fiancé has secretly met up with his ex exactly twice, the second time two weeks ago–did they even meet up or just talk about meeting up?–and you say that “he has consistently hid meeting up with her over the years”? I would not call two meetings in eight years “consistent.” In fact, I’d call it very inconsistent. And if this is what you’re worried about, then I would say that, yeah, maybe you do sound a little bit irrational.
I mean, it’s totally shady of your fiancé to keep any kind of meet-up with his ex a secret, and you definitely have a reason to be upset about that. But it sounds to me that, even more than the secrecy about these meet-ups, you’re bothered by what you consider the regularity of them. You’ve built up in your head that the two of them have carried on a secret friendship all these years, and if what you’ve written above is true — that they’ve seen each other twice in eight years and that your boyfriend didn’t even know his ex’s phone number and publicly asked for it over FB — then I just don’t see how theirs is a friendship that is at all deeply connected, consistent, or illicit.
Look, if you had something to worry about, don’t you think at some point in the last eight years, and certainly in the last year or two since your fiancé’s ex broke up with her boyfriend, something would have happened? If he weren’t over her, wouldn’t he have tried to make a move before, I don’t know, getting engaged to you? Clearly, they are FB friends — or at least connected through mutual friends, so they had an easy way to get in touch with each other. And yet, in eight years, they haven’t done so more than what sounds like a couple of times. But still, despite no evidence that you should worry, except your instinct upon meeting this woman eight years ago, you have “always mentioned” that, if he planned to keep in touch with her, you would like to know. Really, always? I have to wonder what “always” looks like over the course of eight years, especially when, until apparently two weeks ago, there was only one single meet-up between these two exes. Granted, it was a secret meet-up that you later found out about, but do you think that the reason your fiancé kept it a secret was because of how irrational you sounded always mentioning this ex, despite his being “extremely committed” to you and despite his being barely in touch with this person?
I don’t know, maybe there are still feelings between your fiancé and his ex, but, more than likely, they’re just two old friends who were close once, dating briefly when they were kids, and who enjoy touching base or catching up every few years as people do who knew each other during such formative times in their lives. It’s not that weird. What’s weird is the big deal you’re making about it, to the point that your fiancé feels like he can’t even be honest with you on the rare times he does talk to or see this old friend.
If I were you, I’d back off and let him know that, while you don’t condone secrecy and are hurt by that kind of betrayal, you trust him enough to occasionally talk to or see an old friend (even someone he dated years ago). Then let him know if you have any boundaries he needs to respect (like, for example, you don’t want him going to her house alone or seeing her in private). And if you can’t trust him to respect the boundaries, or if you truly think that, after all these years, he still has feelings for his ex — beyond the kind of feelings someone might have for a distant friend from the bygone days — you need to reconsider your engagement and decide if you’re really ready to marry this guy. Because marrying someone you can’t trust? That would be crazy.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
It’s been 8 years. Maybe you have reasons you didn’t disclose for why you don’t trust your fiancé. Maybe you’re having second thoughts about getting married to him and seizing on this as a reason to end your engagement. But if you’re seriously freaking out because 8 years ago, your fiancé had a girlfriend in high school that he hasn’t really kept in touch with but doesn’t hate, either – so much so that he avoids talking about her because you freak out and he doesn’t want to deal with it – then you need to get over it already because that is nuts.
Do you really want to marry someone who keeps secrets from you? Regardless of the reason, this is not a mature way to deal with this problem. A marriage based on secrecy will not last. You need to work out exactly why you don’t trust your boyfriend, and he needs to stop keeping secrets. Until both of these things are worked out, do not get married.
Am I the only one who deletes FB and text messages on a regular basis? It has nothing to do with secrecy on my part…I just want to keep it somewhat clean, unlike my out of control email inbox.
I do this, too. Also with emails (well, I put the emails into assorted folder and get them out of my inbox, anyway) and I periodically erase my browser history, too. I’m not hiding anything, I just really, really like it when everything is “clean” and tidy and “new.” It may be a slight obsession.
Im sure Wendy has to edit these somewhat before posting and such, but I feel like there is something major missing here. They didnt have each other’s phone numbers until just recently? And LW thinks there is something there from EIGHT YEARS ago? I totally agree that he is being a bit shady, but I really dont get it beyond that. Maybe Im crazy too then, because I dont really get this…
Give this guy a break. He’s hung out with his ex (who he broke up with before he even met you) twice in 8 years. The secret, deleted messages? Yeah, that’s not cool. But it’s not like he’s been carrying on a years-long affair. It sounds like the original reasons you didn’t quite like her were these inappropriate public declarations on social media. You never told him he couldn’t be in touch with her, but made it clear you were uncomfortable with the idea. He might have even forgotten about your comments about keeping in touch, or assumed that since he wasn’t planning on keeping on touch beyond this nostalgia session, it wasn’t important. So one way to not make waves with you would probably be by not telling you. I’m not saying hiding things from you was a good idea, but he likely wanted to keep you happy, especially during this happy engagement time, and saying, “my ex-girlfriend you never liked congratulated us on our engagement” would have probably put a damper on an otherwise happy time in your life.
.
If there are other reasons you don’t trust your boyfriend or don’t want to make this big step with him, address that. If what is bothering you most is the secrecy, talk about that with him. Ask him why he felt he needed or should do that and how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. But rehashing the same argument about the same ex that’s barely in his life is really going to get you nowhere and might even drive a wedge between you.
There is something more going on here and I think there are other issues in the relationship that you aren’t addressing. Either you aren’t admitting to yourself that there are issues or you don’t realize it. In a strong, healthy relationship this definitely wouldn’t be a big deal. The relationship with his ex was 8 years ago and he hasn’t given you reason not to trust him. I would look seriously at your relationship. Are you happy? Like are you honestly happy? Figure out what’s going on before getting married because marriage won’t automatically fix it.
I don’t like secrets. I would be irritated that he was being dishonest. However, is there something in your behavior that makes him think he has to keep it a secret from you to avoid drama? It’s still not fair, but maybe he does just want to have lunch with his ex and catch up. It does not mean he wants to have a torrid affair with her. You need to discuss honesty and boundaries with him, and if he can’t commit to that, then maybe you need to rethink this, while examining your own actions and behavior.
Let’s see:
*boundary-challenged ex who posted love you-miss you messages on facebook when she knew the guy was in another relationship and had met the new girlfriend; still happy to talk
*fiance who hid visits to the ex and now lately asked for her phone number so he can “text her all the time,” even though he knows that she’s been a problem for you in the past
*you asking yourself if you’re crazy for feeling uncomfortable/hurt about this
= you and your fiance have some serious talking/counseling to do that will require you both to be honest. The fact is you’re not okay if he sees/communicates with the ex at all. You need to own that. The fact is that he wants to talk to her, apparently, so he needs to tell you what it means to him, etc. You two should be working as a team to find the middle ground – because you are a team, aren’t you?
It really seems like the only reason he keeps it a secret from you is because you are jealous, and sound like you would freak out on him for catching up with an old friend. I mean really you sound overly jealous of nothing, and it seems like he must have to tip to around things for you.
I don’t think I love the idea that its ok to lie/keep secrets as long as your partner is “crazy.” If you think your partner is being crazy about something, talk to them about it and/or break up. Not that hard.
If it had been a crazy passionate relationship fraught with drama, that could never work in the real world, that might be cause for concern, but this sounds more like a friendship that ran its course and left warm feelings. If he wanted to be with her, he’d be with her. But I think it’s clear he wants to be with you.
Thanks for everyone’s advice.
To clarify – my fiancee has had a tendency in the past to hide things… it’s in his nature. He has problems expressing himself and dealing with confrontation (and this is by and large due to the fact that his parents divorced when he was only three years old). He has not fully dealt with his emotions and kept a lot of feelings in.
I was less upset about the fact of him meeting his ex nor was I was jealous of her (although I began to feel a sense of jealousy after he felt the need to hide it)…it was more so that I didn’t understand his actions for hiding it especially since I’ve told him he can be friends with her and it wouldn’t matter to me. It’s the issue with him hiding it from me and not being HONEST that bothered me, especially since this ISN’T a big deal. I feel that if he feels the need to hide little things from me… how is he going to handle larger situations? I also feel that if you have the need to hide anything, then clearly something needs to be addressed whether it’s his lack of ability to be honest with me about his feelings or if it’s something larger than that. The larger issue at hand is my being able to trust him to feel comfortable to tell me his feelings, ESPECIALLY since we are engaged.
Lastly, in the past, we have agreed in our relationship that I am more than comfortable with him meeting her under the pretense that I would feel better if he were honest about his meeting with her and/ or friendship with her. He can choose to be friends with whomever he wants, but understand that I may or may not necessarily be happy about it; that’s me being honest. I’m not going to pretend I like someone if I don’t. On the completely opposite end, my fiancee has also been uncomfortable with me being friends with exes as well (we broke up once in college for a year or so) and I have completely respected that. I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable or have him feel that someone else’s friendship is more important than him…maybe we are all different but I would expect the same respect from anyone.
Perhaps I didn’t clearly explain that in my post to Wendy…. but this is what I’m truly more upset about and I hope it provides a bit more context.
**For the record, he has admitted to me he is wrong in hiding it from me and that he did have strong feelings of care for her as a friend. He has never gone as far as to explain his care for her (which is fine)…. but to not explain that he cares for someone in the past and then go out of his way to plan to see that person and hide it from me is not fair…
Saying this “I am more than comfortable with him meeting her under the pretense that I would feel better if he were honest about his meeting with her and/ or friendship with her. He can choose to be friends with whomever he wants, but understand that I may or may not necessarily be happy about it” Is not really being honest with him, you are giving mixed signals, or almost like a threat. You tell him you are comfortable with something, but also not happy about something is just messing with his head, pick one and stick with it, either be comfortable with it or don’t. You are basically telling him, he can do it, but there will be consequences.
Where did I say it was wrong to tell somebody how you feel or hide your opinions? I’m just telling you why I think he lied, I never said it was right or wrong, just that I think you hid your feelings about how really uncomfortable you were with him meeting up with her, and he lied to you about meeting up with her. To him it was the lesser of two evils to lie to you about meeting up with his ex, because he thinks that your reaction is going to be worse than what you say it really is.
agreed bagge72. thanks for your advice.
i guess i didn’t phrase my question correctly. am i crazy for being upset over this in reference to her or him liking her… yes. at that point in time, i def was not thinking rationally in terms of the larger picture 🙂 and of course, women have a tendency to think differently than men, so it’s important to get your opinion and you’ve certainly played devil’s advocate so i appreciate it.
am i crazy for being upset that he lied to me… no. and maybe that’s the more important question.
He hid it from you because he figured you blow it WAYYYYYY out of proportion… which you promptly did. In spades. Meanwhile… You are so maddeningly vague — you go on and on about something seemingly trivial and minute. You offer up no compelling details. Instead, it’s paragraph after paragraph about… nothing. Signifying… Nothing.
Also I don’t get this part “He has never gone as far as to explain his care for her (which is fine)…. but to not explain that he cares for someone in the past and then go out of his way to plan to see that person and hide it from me is not fair…” He said from the very beginning when he met you that she was his best friend, so he did explain it from the beginning.
LW, if nothing else, put the wedding planning on hold until you and your fiance can work on your issues of honesty, trust, and communication. This is not a strong foundation to build a marriage upon.
“On the completely opposite end, my fiancee has also been uncomfortable with me being friends with exes as well (we broke up once in college for a year or so) and I have completely respected that. I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable or have him feel that someone else’s friendship is more important than him…maybe we are all different but I would expect the same respect from anyone.”
I think this is what many comments are missing.
It’s about being on the same page about what hurts your partner. If a partner was weird about you hanging out with every platonic friend of the gender you fancy, that’d be controlling. I wouldn’t advise staying with that person, or trying to deal with their issues because it’d probably be impossible. I have friends with partners like this; have to be invited to every meetup in case they get jealous.
But exes can sometimes be complicated, and a lot of people may struggle with that. And I feel it’s fair for partners to try to accommodate that as much as possible. Ultmately, seeing an ex (even if they became a good friend) would be less important to me than ensuring my partner was comfortable. If they would become upset because of issues in the past (say, an ex of theirs cheated with an ex, I don’t know) it makes sense to accommodate that, as long as they are generally accepting and understanding of everyone else in your life. i.e. they aren’t being controlling. We closethe door on relationships for a reason and that also means it’s pointless to relive the past with nostalgia.
Yes, Wendy, you’re right. Even if he wasn’t even flirting with this girl he went behind his girlfriend’s back. I would have a sit down with him and talk about how crucial it is for him to be honest in the relationship, which means if he really wants to do something that LW has a problem with, they have to talk it out.
LW I just read your comment and you are absolutely right. Honesty and trust are crucial.
I agree. Doesn’t sound like there is a lot honestly & trust in this relationship.
As someone who’s always had a lot of guy friends, I have a different take. In my experience, if a man really thinks a certain woman is “The One” and that woman hates their ex’s or friends who happen to be women, then that man has zero problems dropping his female friends like hot potatoes. Doesn’t matter how far you go back, doesn’t matter how close you were at one time, if they are madly in love and think they’re girlfriend is irreplaceable, then he will keep his distance from you if that’s what she wants.
The fact this ex is making public declarations of love, plus him keeping meetups a secret is a red flag. They may not talk very often, but they have unfinished business with each other. Otherwise, he just would’ve politely commented “Hope you are well,” or something equally as bland on her post and moved on.
Love doesn’t mean you like someone. It means you TRUST someone. You drew a boundary- that if he was going to keep in touch, he was to tell you. He lept over that boundary and broke your trust. In my marriage, we don’t play. We don’t have secret meetings with exes. And we are both very independent people, so it’s not a weird codependency thing. It’s respect for each other and our marriage. Not a chance I would marry this guy.