“My Friend Thinks I’m a Charity Case”
While I was visiting my friend, she pulled out a huge shopping bag and started to stuff it with makeup, costume jewelry, clothes, accessories, and even expensive perfume. She did not ask if I wanted these things — just handed me the bag on my way out the door. Her generosity touched me, but I am not dressed in rags. My clothes fit me well and are clean with no rips, tears, or stains. I have a good purse I picked up for a song at a local thrift shop and good basic walking shoes. I do not wear makeup or color my hair because I am usually alone for days at a time except to run to the post office or grocery store. If I need to dress up, I can fuss and put on appropriate clothes.
I feel offended. In my whole life only two other well-meaning friends have gone so far as to purchase a blouse or top for me. A whole wardrobe — which, by the way, is not to my taste or in my size, plus all the bells and whistles – is a first-time experience for me. I do not understand why people would take it upon themselves to buy/give me clothes and think it would be a swell idea. It hurts my feelings, and the clothes are wasted because I never wear them, plus a resentment develops on my part.
Since I saw her, I have received two more items in the mail from her that include a designer jacket for over $170 and a designer purse for over $75. I budget $40 a week for food for myself and eat a very healthy diet. For someone to think I would want or need a designer jacket that costs more than four weeks worth of what I would spend on groceries is ludicrous.
My friend is very smart, kind, and generous, but giving me stuff only makes me feel like I am lacking in her eyes. It makes me want to retreat from too much further contact. It makes me feel like I must look god-awful for someone to step into my life and shove clothes down my throat. I am comfortable with who I am, as I am, and these acts of generosity shake me up. I know she would die if she knew her gifts and generosity were hurting me, but I have no way of handling this situation that won’t take an emotional toll on me. — I Yam What I Yam
There are two things that I think maybe you could stand to have better perspective on. First, you say that you “suffer from chronic depression and have had to face a lot of challenges without support from a loving family or a support system,” and it is entirely possible that your friend is responding to THAT more than what you perceive is a response to your appearance. Maybe she picked up on the depression or you flat-out told her you suffer from depression and that, for most or all of your adult life, you’ve had little to no support. She is in a position of having material abundance and can share that with you as a way of showing you support. Her gifts to you are exactly that — a show of support — and not a show of intolerance or judgment about the way you look or live. Secondly, no, your friend will not “die” if she learns her gifts and generosity are hurting you! Of course, she’ll likely feel bad that she’s hurt you, but if she cares about you — and it sure sounds like she does, she would much more prefer the temporary embarrassment of learning she’s been hurting you over the longterm scenario of continuing to hurt you and continuing to waste money on things you don’t want.
You have to tell her to stop giving you these things you have no use for! Of course, you want to do this in the most tactful, face-saving way. I suggest this:
“There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you. First, I am so glad we’ve reconnected, and I have enjoyed our calls and emails and texts and our recent visit. Your friendship and support have meant so much to me! And while I appreciate the gesture and the intention behind all the generous gifts you’ve given to me, I need you to know that I’m not wanting for material things. They simply don’t fit my lifestyle. I know you want to show you support me, and you already do that perfectly just by being a caring friend who stays in close touch. That is truly all I need or want from you — you, just you, are more than enough. And I hope that I, just as I am, am enough for you, too.”
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW1, I totally agree with Wendy’s advice. One additional thought, sounds like you’re a baby boomer, and I’ve noticed that it’s not uncommon for people of that generation to accumulate a lot of “stuff,” even to the point of being hoarders. I’ve seen the parents of my S/Os having rooms stacked with Rubbermaid bins of things they definitely don’t need but can’t bear to get rid of. Your friend sounds like maybe she’s a compulsive shopper who has lots of clothes and bags with the tags still on that she hasn’t even worn yet. And beauty products she doesn’t even use. It was easy for her to fill a bag to give you on your way out the door. She thought she was doing something nice, but also she’s kind of feeding her own compulsion.
Also, my aunt is probably your age. She’s always been SUPER frugal, to the point that she thought it was unnecessary to buy any new clothes. She was wearing things that were decades old. While they weren’t ripped or stained or anything, they did make her look quite odd sometimes. My mom, who wears similar sizes, would bring her bags of gently worn clothes and she’d choose things she wanted to keep. My parents felt that my aunt didn’t look great in public, while she felt she looked fine. And I mean yeah, it turns out her frugality allowed her to have a good savings, which is coming in very handy now that she needs long term care and has to pay a portion of it out of pocket. Funny, now she’s happy to accept new clothes as gifts.
Anyway, being frugal is good, but recognize that it can look to others like neediness. Your friend is only trying to be kind, I think, but she may have issues of her own. If you enjoy her company but just want the unwanted gifts to stop, Wendy’s script is good.
I would also add that when my aunt accepted my mom’s clothing, the key was that she got to pick what she liked, and the rest could get donated. She was also ok with getting things from me for Christmas but would tell me what she wanted from LL Bean. I bought her some new outfits this year and ordered machine-washable stuff from LL Bean that would be practical in the place she’s living. The difference is these are gifts that match her lifestyle and that she would choose. That is not the case with your friend and I definitely appreciate the difference.
The key issue is that the aunt got to pick what she liked, and the clothing was likely to be in her size. And when the niece purchased presents for her aunt, the aunt had already selected the clothes.
Right, no one was forcing stuff on her that wasn’t her style… but they were definitely thinking she could use clothes that would be more in style. The LW needs to shut it down before it starts happening every time.
LW2 seems that neither her or her husband want them to stay at the house. LW should ask the husband to take care of it since it’s his BFF’s wife. I don’t think anyone is required to let someone stay at their place for free. You can offer it, but to think she’s being petty to not let them stay feels like Janet should be entitled.
LW2: I actually feel you on this. We have a beach condo in a popular vacation spot and I have a firm “no one (but our parents) stays without us being there” policy. Why? Vacation spot or not, it’s still our home, particularly since we don’t rent it out or anything when we’re not there. I don’t think that not wanting others to stay alone in your home is petty. Some people may be fine with it, but my husband and I are honestly not, so I get it. And I get why you and your husband are stressed over what may seem like a simple request to those who don’t mind that sorr of thing.
That said, there’s really no way to get out of letting Janet and your husband’s best friend stay at your place that will not seriously strain (or end) the friendship, but the strain is due to Janet’s actions, not yours. After you didn’t respond, then offered a joint vacation, it’s pretty clear the answer to Janet’s request is “we’d prefer you didn’t,” but she’s not taking the hint because she’s using your husbands’ relationship to her advantage. That’s a shitty and manipulative thing to do. Given her persistence, and that you say she’s the type to throw a fit when her hotel room isn’t ready, she’s going to have a meltdown when you deny her the use of your home. (She’ll also likely meltdown if you ask her to pay a cleaning fee, too, by the way.)
So, what to do? You can tell them “I’m sorry, but we prefer to be there when guests are there” and deal with the fallout. You can let them stay and be prepared for more and more such requests. (And they will come.) You can…well, that’s about it, really. I’d defer to your husband this time since it’s his friendship that’s going to get blown up. Sooner or later, I suspect it’s going to get blown up anyway thanks to Janet’s shamelessness, though.
LW: I think you should assume positive intent with the gifts. If they truly make you feel bad, send the gifts back and tell her they aren’t your style or that you’d prefer she not send/gift you things. That’s reasonable, and shouldn’t hurt her feelings.
That’s what I would do. She could box them up and the next time she sees her she can say thanks so much but these don’t fit me, but I appreciate the gesture. Or, she can text and say “your clothes are lovely but they don’t fit and honestly I don’t have an occasion to wear things like this. Would you like me to send them back or donate them?”
I think Wendy’s advice is so spot on. There’s nothing wrong with being frugal, and most people buy way too much stuff- but I can see how a friend might think she is being kind and generous too and it’d be sad if a friendship gets damaged over this. LW, do you maybe identify as being zero/reduced waste in your lifestyle? if so, that might be a positive spin you could put on your communications with your generous friend so she doesn’t load you up with her excess things, without feeling in any way rejected ?
LW: If pretty much EVRRYBODY you know keeps trying to help you update your wardrobe by giving you freebies… NEWSFLASH! … you AREN’T dressing nearly as spiffy as you think. Instead, you go around — wait for it! — looking like a charity case.
I never said EVERBODY does this. (Reading comprehension 101). Its a matter of boundaries and letting people be who they are and not Barbie dolls playing “makeover.” You are presumptuous to think I walk around in burlap potato sacks and a paper party hat and act surprised when someone pushes her clothes on me. Its not a case of Mammy Yokum needing to stop being a country mouse. My friend loves synthetics, bright (BRIGHT!)low cut blouses in florals and patterns, short skirts and topographically tight slacks, high, high heels, fur coats and jackets, makeup and brightly dyed hair. I am a simpler dresser, neutral colors, classical, conservative with nice accessories like scarves and belts. Do I buy $100 scarves? Yes, when they end up in the Goodwill for $1.99. I have salt and pepper hair that I like. I have good skin and a decent face that looks better with a touch of eyeliner and lipstick but without it I do not look like a typhoid victim. I am healthy and active and dress to move.
If what I described sounds hopelessly out of style and offensive to every
eye, too bad. The point is not who has the better fashion sense, the point is crossing the boundaries of personal style and the right to
be ourselves and wanting to change someone. I will take Wendy’s script and add a line or two about not wanting the issue of gifts and spending to enter our relationship….blah, blah. If it stays an issue, I will make a quick exit.
Maybe she is trying to calm your obvious insane anger by throwing gifts at you like throwing meat at an angry lion.
Your description of her clothing along comes across as insanely rude and judgemental. So the behavior you think she is having towards you, judging how you dress, you are doing to her.
Giving you gifts isn’t trying to change you. She gave you a gift. The proper response to to accept graciously. If this is ruffling your feathers so much, kindly ask her to stop gifting you such things. If she persists, donate them to Goodwillor a woman’s shelter.
I think it is pushy to try to change someones clothing style.
“I am comfortable with who I am, as I am, and these acts of generosity shake me up.”
These two things don’t go together. If you’re so comfortable with yourself, why is it such a big “emotional toll” on you, or so mortifying, if someone gives you stuff? You don’t sound comfortable with yourself exactly.
LW: You say: “I am comfortable with who I am, as I am, and these acts of generosity shake me up.” If this were so, you wouldn’t feel the least bit offended by your friend’s actions and it for sure wouldn’t shake you up or hurt you, as you implied.
LW: I assume it’s the depression, but her inappropriate generosity reflects more on HER than it does you. I think if you can get to a place where you don’t assume that her doing something awkward means that there’s something wrong with you, it will help you handle the situation smoother. She assumed that it would be fine and you wouldn’t be offended, and she was wrong. That has literally nothing to do with you. Even if she misjudged the situation and wrongly thought that you needed her to give you those things, again — SHE misjudged. We can’t control how others see us all the time.
But if she’s generally a good friend, you can easily handle this in a way that should be fine for all involved. Tell her that you appreciate her generosity, but you aren’t in need of designer . Tell her it makes you uncomfortable to get such lavish gifts. Then tell her that you’d prefer she ask first before trying to give you things like that (or tell her you’d prefer her NOT give you things).
That said, if you are disappointed by a lack of a support system, it would be in your best interest to not shun her for this, and to help her redirect her desire to be helpful. Tell her that material things don’t help much, but it would really be helpful if friends could do . If any part of this is related to how she perceives you, it’s probably that she sees that you are in need of support, but doesn’t know how to give it. (Also, she’s not going to die to be asked nicely to do things differently. I understand this is stressful to you, but this could easily be a situation that’s solve quickly and forgotten about, if you’re willing to have one awkward conversation.)
LW – absolutely you can feel comfortable with who you are, yet be unnerved by someone’s implicit criticism. Looks, and stylish attire, are really important to some people, and not to others-me, I don’t give a damn most of the time, but if circumstances require, I’ll be dressing like an alien glam princess .( A very old one at that, and unashamed) The rest of the time, I’ll be wearing exactly what I feel like that day, and it may well be a boiler suit. I took from LW1 that she could brush up perfectly nicely if required, but liked to dress neat but unremarkable for general life and visiting friends in their house. A friend taking it upon themselves to make it clear this was just not good enough would give me pause for thought.
LW: you can tell your friend: “thanks you very much, but you don’t have to offer me all these clothes. I couldn’t return the favor. I just enjoy your company.”
Gifts should be reciprocate. Otherwise, it is a bit superior of her, even though she means well. BUt I wouldn’t make a fuss about it either. If you have few friends, don’t spoil this new connection for something like this.
Anyway: now you can resell those expensive things. Put them on the internet or take them to a second hand fashion shop. You will make some money.
That the LW suffers from depression is a red herring, because the discomfort she feels from her friend’s gifts is not caused by her depression. She is upset by the tone deafness of her friend’s gifts. The friend assumed that because she likes makeup, perfume and fancy clothes, that the LW would also. The LW does put effort into dressing neatly and appropriately but she simply doesn’t have any interest in wearing makeup and perfume. Even worse, the clothes do not fit. I also dislike makeup and perfume, and over 40 years later my memory of receiving makeup and icky perfumed soap for Christmas still stings.
LW seems to be on a tight budget, and a better approach for the friend would have been to ask what she would like. Grocery gift cards may be a great present. I like the idea of one correspondent that the LW could sell the items to get a little extra spending money.
Or donate them to Goodwill and get an itemized receipt because that can be a good tax deduction. They assign a pretty high value to each item.
I don’t think it’s a red herring. Many people might feel offended or awkward because her friend did this. But not everyone would take it this personally. I might be irritated by a friend for doing this, but it wouldn’t make me question my own worth or register as this big a deal. She didn’t say “I’m annoyed that she’s tone deaf,” she’s wondering if her friend thinks she’s less-than.
LW, I feel like you’re sending mixed messages here… On the one hand, you’re dealing with depression without a good support system. That’s tough. But on the other hand, you seem to have a hard time accepting support when it’s offered. I totally get it that you may feel like the friend you recently reconnected with sees you as somehow less-than when she gives you unsolicited stuff that you have no use for. But if you’ve told her that you’ve been depressed and don’t have much of a support system, and in the next breath complimented her on her appearance and nice house, it’s completely understandable that she might like to share her good fortune and give you some stuff. Even if her gifts were too lavish and made you feel worse, I sincerely doubt that she did it out of malice or because she wanted to feel superior. When you talk to her, you should thank her for her generosity and tell her how much you value her friendship, but that she doesn’t need to show she cares by giving you excessively lavish gifts that make you uncomfortable. No need to go into details about why and how they make you uncomfortable. All that said, it’s also charitable to be able to accept generosity when it’s sincerely offered.
If you don’t like the designer clothes you could sell them and then buy something for yourself that you like, want or need.