“Do I Have to Let My Friend Stay in My Vacation Home for Free?”
Now Janet is asking to stay in our vacation home without us there. When my husband didn’t answer her right away, she texted several times asking again. She didn’t take our subtle hints that it wasn’t ok. We invited her and her husband to come with us the next time we were going, and she claimed it was too expensive to go at that time.
My husband’s brother stays in our vacation home when we are not there, but he’s family. We also trade a week’s vacation with a friend who lets us stay in his vacation home while he stays in ours. She just assumes that she can have a week now that she lied her way into staying in our home without us there.
How do I get my point across to her without ruining my husband’s friendship? He is sick over this, but I am angry that she has been so pushy. He thinks we should just let them go, but after being lied to, I refuse to be taken advantage of. I also think it will lead to more problems in the future if we do allow it.
What do you think we should do? — Don’t Want to Be Taken Advantage Of
You are right to set boundaries with Janet or she will continue to bulldoze her way through your interactions together. She is being grossly inappropriate and the best way to handle her is with a firm “no” that doesn’t over-explain or over-apologize. “You are welcome to join us at our vacation house on these dates, but otherwise, the house is not available to you without us there.” Period. If she keeps pushing back, you keep saying “no.” Not “No, but maybe we can work something out,” or “No, I’m so sorry but…” Just, simply: “No, that doesn’t work for us.”
If this ruins your husband’s friendship with his best buddy, too fuckin’ bad. Sounds like it wasn’t such a strong friendship to begin with. Men’s friendships shouldn’t be dependent on the sacrifices of the women in their lives, and that’s that.
If this is causing more harm to your marriage than you want to deal with and there’s room for you to compromise, you could offer Janet and her husband some days in your house if they pay a cleaning and maintenance fee. You can explain that in the past when you’ve had guests stay there without you, there has usually been an exchange in place, and, in lieu of that, you’re asking for X amount to go toward the electricity and energy they’ll be using and for hiring cleaners after they leave. The thing with people like Janet though is that she’ll probably be as annoyed and offended by the request to cover her expenses than if you’d denied her the privilege of staying at your house in the first place.
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Why don’t you use your words? You’re all adults. Adults articulate their needs and boundaries. Politely unless forced to do otherwise. “I’m sorry, the house is not available.” is a perfectly fine response. You don’t have to elaborate. Just keep repeating it. If she pushes back “It’s making me uncomfortable that you aren’t respecting my response.” is perfectly acceptable. You certainly can’t control how she will respond to your setting boundaries. But you can still set them without being responsible for destroying your husband’s friendship. Also highly suggest you and your husband getting on the same page here. You’re a team and should have each other’s backs. Janet sounds like a PITA at worst, and at best you just have different travel styles. Avoid vacation with them and find other ways to socialize.
Why don’t you consider everyone is different and communication amidst conflict *isn’t easy*?
The writer did use her words. She already told this person no. And Janet keeps pushing back and creating problems in her marriage. Janet is being wildly inappropriate, but the problem here is with the husband, not standing by his wife in her decision. When the couple can stand strong people like this are just a joke to laugh at.
I agree with everything Wendy said except for the last paragraph. If you give the offer to stay and have them pay, I suspect Janet and her husband will not only be offended, they will continue to push back.
A firm “No” as Wendy indicated is needed.