“It’s Been a Year and He Won’t Sleep Over”
I have introduced him to my children and my friends, but I have met only one person from his life briefly during a night out. I have performed small miracles to make myself available to him by finding people to take my kids for me, sometimes to be disappointed when he cancels. Recently, I have been struggling in that, although we have sex, it appears to be way down on his list of priorities (as we have sex 1-2 times a month). I have always made it an option that he can stay at my house – we can be up early before the kids and I am even ready to let my kids know that he is important to me and so he will be staying over. But he resists. I want to feel him sleeping beside me and have the comfort of a man’s arms around me, but it doesn’t seem to be important to him.
Recently, he has told me that the fact that I am a single parent to my children has got him scared and has been one of the reasons that he hasn’t developed the physical side of our relationship. I have never asked him to be anything more than a friend/lover/partner to me — not a father to my children. I’m reeling and very hurt – this has been going on for a year and he shows no desire to end our special relationship. I’m unclear of his motivation, and at this point I’m inclined to end things although I will miss him very much. — Unclear of His Motivation
I could certainly understand why a man who might not want to be a step-parent or have children in his daily life is hesitant to fully commit to a single mom of two kids under the age of 12. If that’s how he felt, it would explain why he might keep you at arm’s length. But… he doesn’t keep you at arm’s length. He acts like your boyfriend in all ways except that he doesn’t sleep over and he doesn’t introduce you to anyone in his life.
I don’t know what his deal is, but he sounds suspicious. Maybe he has a whole family on the side. It would explain why he’s “struggling financially” (he’s got mouths to feed!) and can barely afford to buy you an occasional drink. Or maybe there’s something else going on. But the bottom line is that your emotional and physical needs aren’t being met, and this guy says he is “scared” to develop your relationship further. You either accept how things are or you move on. I would advise the latter.
I asked her during that time if she was seeing anyone and she told me no. A month and a half goes by and she decides to “give me another chance.” I recently found out she was involved with another guy. He messaged me saying how he loved her and how she cut him off. She said she wanted to tell me but didn’t know how, so she cut him off because she realized what she was doing was wrong and that she wanted to work it out with me.
Since I found out, she has been doing everything she can to show how much she wants this to work. My questions are: Should I give her another chance? Is the relationship worth it? Can this be fixed? — Mr. Wrong Sometimes
I can’t answer whether the relationship can be fixed and whether it is “worth it.” But you do have kids together and your girlfriend did give YOU multiple chances after all of your self-described “wrongs.” So it seems fair and logical to give her another chance and to do your due diligence to make things right for a change. It’s going to take you BOTH working together, going to therapy, building your trust, and making an investment and genuine effort to prioritize your relationship and your family. Give it at least six months and then re-evaluate. A family is worth at least that much before you walk away.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Interesting that LW1 says his girlfriend “thinks” they are hotter, not necessarily that she’s told them they are hotter. Where did he learn this? Her phone, email? If she did say it, I’d be willing to bet that he forced the whole “my exes are hotter” out of her. Something like, “Is he hotter than me?” “What? I don’t know.” “He is, isn’t he?” “I don’t want to play this game.” “But if you HAD to say…” “OK, fine, I guess he was hotter.” It’s just odd because someone who tries to keep quiet about who they hooked up with when they weren’t committed doesn’t seem like someone who would run around talking about how their exes are hotter than him.
I feel so bad for LW. It seems obvious that her boyfriend is cheating on another woman with her, but I’m guessing the idea will hit her like a slap in the face. I’m surprised her friends haven’t offered up this theory yet, honestly…
LW: Red flags all around. MOA.
LW, why does he suddenly cancel your dates? That ALONE is something that should give you pause in this relationship. Your time is valuable, and you are arranging childcare. I would be seeing red if someone didn’t respect my time, and ESPECIALLY if they didn’t respect my time with my children. Could it be he cancels a lot because something came up in another relationship…? Have you been to his home? In any case, you should let this one go.
Agree, that’s pretty suspicious. Either he’s got someone else who takes priority, or he just doesn’t care to see you enough. Like, he decides he’s too tired after working all day so says forget it. Either way, that’s not a good relationship.
And it also sounds like they don’t plan very far in advance. “Performed small miracles to make myself available” sounds more like same-day planning. If he’s asking her out last-minute and then abruptly canceling, that seems like points in favor of “married”. I don’t understand how she’s not super pissed and dumping him just for that. I’d be SO pissed if someone did that to me (multiple times no less!)
I think Wendy is probably right about LW2. Not meeting his loved ones, him canceling, not wanting to stay over are all pretty sketchy. His excuse is kind of dumb, too. Typically, people who are unable to commit for whatever reason are just fine with the physical aspect of the relationship, but are less OK with the relationshippy stuff. If you are already having sex, then why would having sex more often be concerning to him, regarding his “concerns” about you being a mother?
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Also, I don’t think you need to aim for being someone who doesn’t expect their partner to be a father (at some point). Unless you’re just looking for casual relationships and aren’t interested in anything more serious, any long-term relationship is going to require your partner to become a father figure. I think that not only is he using you being single mother as an excuse for his behavior, I think he’s using it because he knows that quite a few single mothers have anxiety over pushing men away because of their kids (so instead of realizing he’s playing you, you’re looking at yourself to see what you’re doing wrong). Anybody at his age and who has been dating you for a year should know whether they are willing to commit to someone with kids. Even if he isn’t cheating on someone, for him to seem unsure at this point means it’s a big no, but he’s trying to keep you around.
LW2: Wendy, I agree with the end advice, but I see no need to jump to conclusions that this man might be cheating. The reason I felt the need to comment on this is because as a woman, I don’t like trying to put a narrative to justify why she should MOA. LW2, he’s not that in to you. And, even if he is, he doesn’t show you in the ways you’ve made it clear from your letter, are important to you. And, if it’s been over a year, odds are he’s not going to. Find the person who loves you enough to give you what you need. MOA, its not your boyfriend.
I agree with Adrienne. It’s a huge assumption to jump to the conclusion that he has a family on the side. Wouldn’t someone like that be mostly in it for the sex, which is the very thing this guy is avoiding? To me it sounds like his “excuse” could be basically true: he’s someone who is simply noncommittal and feels somewhat guilty about it (justifying to himself that if he doesn’t sleep with her, he’s not doing anything wrong).
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Regardless, he’s not giving the LW the type of relationship she wants, and it sounds like he is forcing her to be the one to rearrange her life for merely the chance to spend a few hours with him (if it’s convenient for him). I’ve been in that type of relationship before and know the trap of mistaking feelings of anxiety (over whether he will be available this time, whether I could ever truly “catch” him) for feelings of love. But it is really a shame when single mothers fall into that trap, causing them to treat their kids like they are a hassle to be dealt with, shuffling them around to sitters and dropping them last minute to run to a guy. If after a year he’s not 100% committed to you or wanting to commit to your kids and include them in plans, he never will be.
Also, can we stop praising guys for managing to do tiny/minimal nice things? Spending 10 seconds sending good morning/night texts is not a high level of commitment. In fact, it’s one of the easiest ways to string someone along. And it certainly doesn’t excuse canceling last minute, not involving you in his life, etc.
So much this. Texting me and occasionally buying me a drink aren’t amazing super special things. They’re normal. Or should be.
It is easy to find out this guy’s story. Just start looking. If there is no one in his background he may be on dating sites and those cancelled plans might be other women. Healthy men like sex. His excuse is weird.