“My Girlfriend Won’t Compromise”
I have asked my girlfriend to plan a move with me; she has not made any serious efforts. I have even told her to find us a house and we can start there, but again nothing. I have also noticed that she doesn’t support our relationship financially or set any mutual goals, like planning a vacation, for example. She has expressed to me that a man is the one who should sacrifice for the woman, but I feel as though there should a mutual effort.
Over the past year. I have started to pick up her girls from evening activities and have canceled some of my activities to make that time available to her. I help her with chores around her house, buy things for her and fix up items that need fixing in her house. The issue that is bothering me is I feel like I’m not getting anything in return. Occasionally, I don’t even get a thank you.
Wednesday has always been date night and I’ve been consistent with that for years. Her being a single mom is something I know is hard, so I always drive up to her. I also always pay for the night out even though I know she is not broke and she rarely offers. She doesn’t even give me the opportunity to say no. She has made dinner for me a handful of times — a lot less than I have. She is also a person who is never on time and always running late, and she will sometimes cancel a prior commitment, which is something that bothers me as well.
In December, I told her mother that I was going to give her a ring, but that backfired on me. I had a plan, which I always try to have, of getting my tax return back to pay off some debt, then buying the ring and planning something special to propose. Well, it appears that her mother leaked it, and now my girlfriend has been waiting for me to propose. She is angry that she has not gotten the ring, and her mother is telling her to watch out because it looks like I’m just stringing her along. Well, I was planning to propose on our trip to New Orleans this month. The trip is not something I saved for, so it is all debt on my part and, as I suspected, she didn’t offer to help. And now that we are arguing because I can’t get a commitment from her on the move, I canceled her ticket and will not propose.
We are meeting tonight after a long break. She has apologized for saying that I’m the most selfish person on earth and that I’m less of a man than her ex-husband. She wants to try and make it work, but I’m reluctant. I have discussed this issue with some of my closet “life coaches,” if you will, and, when I tell them that she is Jewish, they all say the same thing: it’s their culture for the man to provide for the woman. I just want to ignore it because I hate to stereotype anyone, but it just seems like a logical explanation.
Anyway, I think I’m trying to talk myself into believing that this relationship has run its course. I mean, I’m willing to compromise more, but she won’t budge, and I can’t afford to live in her area and commute to work. Help. — Have Ring, Need More Compromise
Yeah, this relationship has run its course, and it has nothing to do with your girlfriend being Jewish. Women from all cultures are equally capable of being loving and equally capable of being shitty. You just happened to have found a shitty one and she just happens to be Jewish. If you want some sort of cultural explanation for your imbalanced relationship, how about this one: the way a man was treated by his mother will directly influence the kind of women he chooses to date. Unfair? Untrue? Doesn’t apply to you? Well, then maybe applying stereotypes or cultural phenomenons to individual relationships is a waste of time after all.
How about we toss the stereotypes aside and focus on what we know about your relationship. Simply put, your girlfriend isn’t invested in your relationship or in you as a person. She is only interested in what you can do for her (chauffeur her daughters around, take her out once a week, do chores around her house, buy her things, fix stuff). Beyond that, it sounds like she doesn’t have much interest or use for you.
The thing is, you can’t even really be that mad at your girlfriend. She hasn’t been stringing you along. It sounds like she’s been clear from the beginning about who she is and what she wants. She wants a man who will make all the sacrifices and expect nothing from her in return. Frankly, she sounds awful. And you can’t build a future with awful. I mean, you can… but it will be awful.
Four and a half years is enough time to invest in awful. Move on already and find a woman who isn’t awful — who will respect you and treat you like an equal. It sounds like you have a lot to offer the right person. But this woman isn’t the right person. Not for you, anyway. Unless you’re a masochist who enjoys being used and emasculated and treated like garbage. In which case, hell yeah, put a ring on it.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Why are some people so desperate for a relationship that they will put up with someone who is completely self-absorbed and negative towards them?
WWS. And consider getting some new “life coaches” since I wouldn’t trust anything your current ones have to say if they’re so quick to stereotype like this. I have a graduate degree in anthropology and can tell you with all certainty that their “cultural” explanation is total bullshit.
I’m kind of insulted that these people he’s asked for advice think all Jewish women are dependent on their husbands. What the what?
I’m always so confused when a LW details how consistently awful their SO is and then talks about their plans to get engaged, buy a house, have a baby, etc. Will having a ring on her finger magically make her a kind and giving person? I suspect she’d likely get worse. Why do you want to be with this woman, LW? People as awful as your girlfriend are that awful partly because people enable their awfulness. It’s time to MOA and find someone whose expectations of reciprocity match your own.
Drop the girlfriend and the anti-Semitic life coaches. Both are vile.
You keep rationalizing it as “well she’s a single mom, so I have to do all these things.” But you don’t. You are not required to be this woman ‘s servant. You deserve an equal. You don’t sound happy and don’t you want to be? End this situation that’s draining you (I’m not even calling it a relationship) and find one that will fulfill you. Or just be single and enjoy the freedom.
Single mom here. My boyfriend makes significantly more money than I do and almost always pays for our dates, usually drives to my place since he doesn’t have a kid or pet (as I do), and frequently helps around the house by doing things like fixing my furnace, watching my daughter while I grocery shop, or making breakfast. In return, I love the shit out of him. I make dinner for him as much as possible, pay when I can (usually if we go out for lunch), leave him love notes when we’re at his house, help at his house when I can (usually with cleaning and gardening), handling things like baby gifts for his friends, and generally being as appreciative as possible. I know he’s amazing to me and I want him to know that!
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I’m not saying I’m perfect: sometimes I’m grouchy after a bad day and sometimes I don’t want to cook dinner, etc. Everyone has their bad days and no relationship is perfect. But the point is, I’m appreciative of him and there are plenty of other women (single mothers or not) out there who will appreciate all that you do and be an equal partner to you. Time to MOA. This has nothing to do with her religion and everything to do with the fact that she sounds pretty awful.
Dear LW, Can I get your number?
Sincerely, Dang, I could show some appretiation for that kind of treatment.
This woman sounds horrible. And she told you that you’re less of a man than her ex-husband. If that’s true… why is she with you? Oh yeah, because you’re a doormat and she likes the control. You need to get out of this now while you still can. And ignore those “life coaches” or whatever they are. It’s not culture. She just sucks.
>that I’m less of a man than her ex-husband
I know when people are angry they say mean things they later regret. But I think if I heard those words it would be time to go.
Great responses from everyone (especially Wendy)! And if I may add, if someone’s mistreating you, it’s best to look inward at why you’re allowing it. Unless, of course, they’re Jewish. (Sarcasm).
WWS, especially this:
“The thing is, you can’t even really be that mad at your girlfriend. She hasn’t been stringing you along. It sounds like she’s been clear from the beginning about who she is and what she wants. She wants a man who will make all the sacrifices and expect nothing from her in return. Frankly, she sounds awful. And you can’t build a future with awful. I mean, you can… but it will be awful.”
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LW, why have you allowed all this to go on for so long? You guys need to break up, and you need to take some serious time and think about why you were settling for such a crappy relationship. Also, even if it were a healthy, good relationship, it still wouldn’t work out in the long run, because neither of you is willing to more for the other. So just MOA.
Everyone else will cover that you should just MOA for many reason and talk about why this woman sucks. I don’t disagree.
However, I don’t think she sucks for not wanting to move because of having to make her kids change schools. I wouldn’t either! I also wouldn’t move to have a long commute. Both those things suck. Why should she have to move but you don’t? You want to propose to someone who doesn’t want to/can’t live near you and you continue to ignore the fact that she told you she’s not relocating! Your answer to that is “find a house.” ???
Then, you say, you’ve told her to do all these things (plan vacation, find a house, support your relationship financially), and she hasn’t. Does she want a vacation (probably haha) or different house (NO)? Can she afford it? Why is it on her to do these things? I mean, you planned a vacation (that you couldn’t afford, but I guess expected her to offer to pay for?) so why would she if you already planned it. You can’t even afford this trip, but booked it. Did you ask her prior to booking to pay half? Did you just give her the trip as a gift but secretly expected her to offer to pay half? She told you she doesn’t want to move, so you ignore her and tell her to find a house? I don’t get it. Have you asked her to pay for dinner? Has she refused? Can she not afford it? Why do you continue going out to dinner if you resent her for not paying?
If you have an expectation, let it be known.
Also, in the future, don’t date women you pity.
LW, I grew up in a community that was home to many, many Jewish people. Have lots of Jewish friends. What your life coaches told you is a crock. It’s not ‘Jewish culture’ that the man provides for the woman. At all.
What’s going on here is that you’re dating an astoundingly selfish woman. This nonsense about ‘the man is the one who is supposed to sacrifice for the woman…’ Huh? Why? Partners are supposed to take care of each other. You’ve been more than generous, and have sacrificed plenty for her. And it’s still not enough. You know what? It’s never going to be enough. No matter what you do. Marry her, and you’re going to spend the rest of your life in futile attempts to make her happy. Please don’t.
She doesn’t want a husband, she wants a servant. She should hire one, instead of taking advantage of a thoughtful, considerate man like yourself.
And for pete’s sake, you stayed after she said “you’re not as much of a man as my husband?” WHY?
Dump the girlfriend. Find new “life coaches”, or better yet, find a good therapist. Be alone for a while. Maybe buy a dog or cat or something?
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“Anyway, I think I’m trying to talk myself into believing that this relationship has run its course. I mean, I’m willing to compromise more”
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I’m not really sure what more you can compromise. Seriously. Except maybe your balls. Or your entire manhood. Sorry. That was mean. But when I read that, I was like WHAT?!?!
Wendy nailed it. This woman is just awful. It has nothing to do with her being Jewish or a single mom. In fact, it sounds like she’s using that single mom thing as leverage to get you to do things. I’m sure being a single mom is tough, but there are plenty of women out there who manage to do it without manipulating everybody else in their lives. Why would you want to be with someone who says you are less of a man than her ex-husband? (Besides, if her ex-husband was so great, why is he her EX-husband?) She says you’re the most selfish person on earth? She needs to look in the mirror if she wants to put that label on someone. You sound like a caring man. You deserve better.
So I agree with everyone’s advice. But I’d like to add this: STOP BUYING SHIT YOU CAN’T AFFORD. What’s with putting yourself into debt for a vacation? Don’t go on the vacation if you cannot afford it. Don’t buy a ring if you have to use your tax return to pay off debt. Like just stop, this is not a good way to live.
Get a new girlfriend, LW!!
But after that, get some new friends, because your current ones sound a little racist.
I’d say before you just throw the whole relationship completely away, first grow some balls and talk to your girlfriend – or even better show her your message on this website. People I think are capable of changing if they really really want to and it seems like you haven’t really made it clear to her that her behaviour is ridiculous and ungrateful and yes, it seems like she’s essentially using you. Sit her down and tell her all of this and it is so important to be firm – say that this is not what you’re looking for in a relationship, tell her what you expect and what you’re getting. If she actually loves you, she’ll acknowledge it and she might ask for a chance to change (in which case you obviously shouldn’t move in with her until you see she’s genuinely changed for a good few months/year at least). If she doesn’t, well, you tried and you can be sure she wasn’t the one for you. I think every person deserves one last change to change, I have seen too many people who don’t make it clear that they’re unhappy in a relationship for reasons the other person might not even be aware of, and when the final drop is reached they leave and the person doesn’t even get a chance. If you’ve already tried all this though, well, yeah, the relationship is over. Go on and be happy, life is too short to be with people who don’t appreciate you and use you!
Did you know that back in the shtetl days of Europe Jewish boys AND girls were taught how to read because education for everyone has always been highly valued in our culture? And that pretty early on Israel had a female prime minister? And that two of the three current female US Supreme Court justices are Jewish? Yeah, your “life coaches” are fucking idiots.
Well, you’ve got progressive Jews and old-school Jews. Progressive liberal Jewish women have been on the forefront of women’s liberation from the start: voting, labor reform, feminism, etc.
On the other hand, the old-school orthodox Jews are very much about traditional gender roles. But those women cook a lot.
So either way, what the LW is describing has nothing Jewish about it. Selfish, yes. Jewish, no.
There’s definitely fault on both sides, but I’m not letting her off the hook. She is taking advantage of the situation.
I’ve been a single mom. No way was I looking for a man to cater to my every whim and support me. I wanted a partner, not a sugar daddy.
She isn’t meeting you anywhere close to half-way in this relationship. Stop caving in and MOA. You can find someone better.
Oh, and the Jewish thing doesn’t wash. Not all Jewish women think that way. Hell, there are women from every faith that have that mindset, but it’s not the right one. Fairy tale relationships are just that – fairy tales.
Haven’t read all the other comments yet because I saw this and had to stop and breathe…
“She has expressed to me that a man is the one who should sacrifice for the woman”
That is a big basket of NOPE.
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LW, the only thing I can fault you for is trying to rescue her. The “poor single mother needs help” mentality is how you got yourself dug so far into this hole. Yes, it’s great to be supportive of a partner, but there’s a point where it goes from being her rock, to being her indentured servant. And some people, like your girlfriend, will take advantage of that.
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So beyond the advice to let this relationship die already, the other thing I’d advise you is, if you’re this close to retirement, STOP SPENDING BEYOND YOUR MEANS. No vacation is worth it, no woman is worth it. Get a grip on your budget before you start dating again. Because it looks like you are voluntarily putting yourself in debt for spurious reasons. I’m sorry to shout at you but this is the second letter this week where I’m advising someone to put a cap on what they spend on their partners.
“I just want to ignore it because I hate to stereotype anyone, but it just seems like a logical explanation.”
If you actually hated to stereotype anyone (and presumably had an intelligent basis for that), then this wouldn’t seem like a logical explanation to you. Teensy bit of a chance you already had that opinion about her as a Jew? Hmm?
Anyway, sounds like you’re not enjoying the relationship, so ending it might be best. Anything but knowing you think she’s awful and yet still planning to propose…
Wow. As a Jewish woman who also a house and a car that I pay for with my own damn job, I’m pretty offended by the so-called life coaches (actual racist assholes) and a little bit by the LW himself for considering their bullshit as if it is in any way logical.
For the record there are high maintenance bitches of every race, religion, and gender. That’s right, I said it. Your girlfriend sucks because she sucks. Not because she’s Jewish.
As always I’m blown away by how the letter says “wonderful woman” and then proceeds to describe a high maintenance, ungrateful woman instead. When you get to the end of writing this, haven’t you answered your own question. MOA.
I think everyone else has already covered this well, so I’m just going to say:
1. Don’t move for her if you’re not super into the idea. But you also can’t be mad at her for not moving for you. And if there’s not an endpoint to the distance, maybe that’s a nice and convenient way to end this relationship.
2. If you don’t like the way she treats you, end the relationship.
3. If you don’t like the way she demands things from you, end the relationship.
4. If you’re not happy, end the relationship.
5. Make a choice to be happy, and exclude the things that don’t fit into that picture.
Non-princessy Jewish woman here! Not all Jewish women are little princesses wanting to have everything done for them while they sit around and do their nails. Not me, anyway. But sadly, I met plenty of girls like this when I was in college. So there are still some pampered princesses out there, raised by mothers who are pampered princesses themselves… I wouldn’t marry her. In general, she sounds like poor WIFE material no matter what her background is. MOA and lets hope that her daughters don’t grow up to become the same. Find a woman who is more giving. Or if you don’t want to MOA, date her but sure as hell don’t marry her and keep things status quo if you are happy with things as they are. Frankly, I cannot stand girls/women like this. The ones I met in college made my stomach turn!
I think you’re saying the same thing as the LW, regarding the stereotype. Are there Jews like that? Yes. Are there non-Jews like that? Yes, also. There’s nothing about being Jewish that makes the LW’s gf or anyone else behave this way. It’s not a Jewish thing.
That is true. It has nothing to do with the religion. I did run across a lot of girls from Long Island in college who wore entirely too much makeup, wore only designer jeans, spoke with that awful Long Island accent, were spoiled and whiney and entitled and never cooked. So maybe this was just a Long Island thing and it was a culture that was completely alein to me and I could barely stomach it. These girls were walking caricatures. So I hung out with the hippies instead. And, as it turned out, the hippies from Long Island were just the other side of the same coin, actually….
Can we please just stop stereotyping people based on their race, ethnicity, religion, or borough? Is that too much to ask? Jeez, Sue.
iseeshiny I knew you would jump in! I was waiting for you! 😉
Seriously. I thought Wendy took care of the whole stereotype thing in her response.
So it’s our fault for not having a sense of humor about your incredibly rude stereotyping? What is wrong with you?
Yes, thank you iseeshiny. It’s so tiring saying that you’re not one of “those girls” or whatever. No matter who it is.
Uh, this Long Island girl thinks you are just as bad as LW’s life coaches. I didn’t have ONE friend growing up that was anything like you mention. WTF.
IRL, I get to play part-time “life coach” a lot to people who have lots of questions. Perhaps it is my white hair or my slightly nosey mentality. Perhaps it is just my tendency to follow the adage “If you want to be interesting, be interested.” But people tell me a lot of their problems and seem to want suggestions. This story seemed apropos to LW’s situation.
A younger friend of mine had a similar complaint. He was dating a girl he liked but she never offered to pay for anything. He took her to nice restaurants and outings but grumbled that it was getting expensive. He was on the verge of breaking it off after 4-5 months! My advice to him was to talk about it with her. I asked him why he did not clearly tell her that he would appreciate her sharing in the expense. Instead of paying for everything and grumbling about it, why not decide what makes him comfortable (re. the sharing of expenses) and then plan things together?
We did not talk in detail about his actual solution, but now, 5 years later, I see he is married to her and they have a baby. I like to think my advice worked! 🙂
I’d dump here. And say — “newsflash. i was going to propose, but your bratty behavior changed my mind. Thanks! I feel i dodged a bullet here. Good luck reconciling with your fabulous ex that dumped you! Adios!”
Wow. LW I feel really bad for you having to deal with this. I mean this in the nicest possible way, please raise your standards. This isn’t normal boyfriend/girlfriend behavior and I hope you realize that.