“My Husband is Always Touching His Ex-Wife”
I have been with my husband for 18 years. We are both senior citizens and between us we have five adult children from previous relationships. I have two sons who are 38 and 41, and my husband has two daughters and a son, all in their thirties. My husband and his ex split up 21 years ago and yet, they are always touching on each other when they meet which is quite often since we go to the same church. This is always initiated by her, and it’s a problem for me.
My husband’s ex-wife is always rubbing on his back and hugging him. She doesn’t hug me and far as I can see, she’s not a particularly affectionate person. Just with my husband. I don’t think it makes a difference but she left him. And while I appreciate they were married about 21 years I feel the rubbing and hugging is inappropriate. Their children are grown. An occasional hug would be one thing but it’s constant.
I spoke to my husband about it, attempting to let him know how I feel. At first, he said he was onboard but it happened at church again today. And we had a big fight about it on the way home. He says she’s a nice person and the mother of his children. She’s not friendly to me, by the way. I say it’s fine to be friendly but if you aren’t hugging other people, which neither of them do, then please stop. He says no. I don’t know where I go from here but I’ve put up with this for way too long. And he refuses to go to counseling. We went once and as soon as the therapist said I had a point, he quit going. I feel like I’m not important to him. — Beaten down and Frustrated
I don’t know what else is going on in your marriage, but if the ex-spouse hug-a-thon is enough to drive you to therapy, and your husband refuses to go after the first appointment, he doesn’t modify the behavior you have repeatedly says hurts you, and you feel like you aren’t important to him, then it’s probably time to leave him. At the very least, switch churches so you don’t have to see the ex-wife anymore. But that’s just a band-aid for the larger wound, which is that your husband doesn’t prioritize you and you don’t feel like you matter to him. Unfortunately, there’s nowhere really to go from there – especially when therapy is refused. You deserve better!
While I normally wouldn’t think saying hello to someone is reason for anyone else to lose their shit, I can understand why your friend would feel betrayed by your not only acting friendly toward the guy who abandoned her and their baby (whom you are godmother of), but then apparently relaying the interaction to her later. What was the point in telling her that? I say apologize to your friend for being insensitive, reaffirm for her that you’re on her side and you think that what her boyfriend did is the worst of the worst, and that you’ve got her back through what you know is an incredibly challenging, but hopefully also rewarding, time in her life.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW1: What Wendy said. I also view it as a red flag when they don’t even try therapy (one session doesn’t count).
LW2: it struck me that you said it’s just not you when one of the options was ignoring. It takes no effort to ignore. That’s not betraying yourself it’s just literally not doing anything. And if the guy came up to you, why would you be cordial and friendly with a guy who got your friend pregnant and then ran away from responsibility? It baffles me one wouldn’t act a bit cold to them.
I work from home and earn a respectable $6k a week, which is amazing considering that a year ago I was unemployed in a terrible economy. I always give God praise for honoring me with these rules, and now it’s my duty to practice anticipatory compassion and share it with everyone. Likewise,
Here is I begun———————————> https://goo.su/N7mzHd