I feel he is being very unfair and hurtful to me. I am now feeling that maybe I should consider divorcing him if he is unable to treat me like I matter during the process of buying our first home. Buying a home should be a journey that we do together. He is deliberately keeping me from being involved in this special process. It’s like he’s part of the big event and I’m being left on the sidelines. The house he’s selected is beautiful, but I feel like he is treating me very poorly. Should I walk away from this very hurtful situation? I have tried to express to him my feelings and concerns, but he doesn’t seem to care. He actually already took his mother to see the house, but he has yet to take me and I’m his wife. This does not seem normal or appropriate in any way. — House Wife
First: DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS MAN. Since Todd’s behavior during this process is reflective of how he’s treated you for a while, and since you have a lot of issues with him prior to this process, and since he doesn’t care about your feelings and concerns that you’ve expressed to him, I am going to say that yes, you should probably walk away from this hurtful situation. Obviously, talk with an attorney, be smart about protecting yourself financially, and if you have children, work carefully to prioritize them and create as harmonious a co-parenting relationship with your husband as possible. And whatever you do, don’t buy a house with Todd or do anything else to make yourself more entangled, financially and emotionally, with this person who seems to have so little regard for you.
From the forums:
My ex, “Brian,” and I are both in college — he’s a junior and I’m a senior. We started dating around Halloween, 2019 but ended it at the end of the semester. I was going to study in London, and it didn’t make sense to pursue things long-distance since we had been together such a short amount of time and we weren’t going to be in the same place at the same time very long. But then the world as we knew it came crashing down, and travel is a no-go for who knows how long.
Now we are both back at school, and he is in one of my classes. It’s bringing these feeling back up, but I’m conflicted. When things ended, I felt confident that what we had was nice, but I had no need to pursue it further. There were things about him I found cute and charming, but there were other things that were weird and … not so charming. But now I can’t get him out of my head. The idea of reconnecting with him feels so tempting. The rules at school are really strict – all there is to do is eat, sleep, study, and go to class. No parties, OF COURSE (I wouldn’t even think of going to one right now). But that means no way to meet people, and I’m kinda lonely.
I know these all seem like the wrong reasons to reconnect – I’m lonely, bored, have no way to meet people – but is that so wrong in a time like this? He’s a really nice guy, he’s a genuinely good person, I like him, and, with the world so fucked up, the idea seems comforting. My friend advised me: “If you feel like you want someone to talk to during this crazy time, go for it!!” Should I? Should I go for it again? Is it so wrong to just want a friend to ride out the end of the world with? In a crazy apocalyptic way it kinda seems romantic. What do you think? Should I reconnect? — It’s the End of the World as We Know It
Well, this isn’t the end of the world, even if it feels like it right now. And there’s really nothing romantic about an apocalypse anyway, especially when you’re talking about riding it out with a guy you might not have (re-)connected with if you didn’t think the world was ending. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t re-connect. But I’m not convinced you should, either. What’s most important here is why you found Brian weird and not-so-charming. Was it because he had a sock drawer full of little doll heads, or because he ate sushi with a fork? If it’s the former, no. If it’s the latter, still a no but less so. If the only reason you found him weird is some silly superficial thing that you used to soften whatever blow you might have felt about ending a relationship you were enjoying, then it’s certainly worth exploring a reconnection (at least as friends, anyway!). But if something about his actual character gave you pause, or if you recognized signs that you didn’t share the same values, or if he in anyway demeaned or disrespected you, move on. No amount of boredom or loneliness would justify putting up with any of that.
If you do decide to reach out to Brian, I would advise framing it as catching up with a friend rather than getting back together. Ask if he’d like to go for a walk after class or get a coffee or whatever seems reasonable and safe within the current restrictions of your college campus and community (and your comfort level!). Pay attention to your intuition, how he responds to you, and whether or not there’s chemistry between you. And then go from there. After a few times in his company, you should have a pretty good idea what your feelings for him are and whether he feels similarly.
Regardless whether you pursue anything with Brian or not, it’s important to build some kind of friend/support group for yourself. I understand the restrictions you’re under and won’t pretend to know what that feels like within the context of college life. It seems so unfair that, during what should be a social, fun period, your avenues of socializing are so impaired. But surely there are ways to still meet people – classes, study groups, the dining halls, residential living, any kind of extra-curricular activities that might still be allowed. What about friends you have made prior to this year? Even if you’ve drifted apart, now could be a good time to reconnect to them instead of some guy you dated for a few weeks and think is kind of weird, no? After all, like the saying goes: If you’re going to ride out the end of the world with a person, better that person be of the variety you actually like rather than someone who collects tiny doll heads in his drawer. Or … you know, something like that.